Texas outsource executions to Danish Zoo

The speed and efficiency with which Copenhagen Zoo euthanized a young giraffe while completely ignoring public protests to halt the execution has led to the Zoo winning the prestigious contract to execute Texas’s death row inmates.

Texas Governor Rick Perry announced the outsourcing move in a packed news conference at state capital Austin. “The Danes just got on with the job, no bleeding heart liberal pinko appeals was going to halt their show. If they managed to ignore a Facebook campaign with hundreds of thousands of likes, they ain’t likely gunna worry what a handful of Supreme Court Justices say” said Governor Perry.

“And ya gotta love their execution method – bolt to the head, chopped into little pieces, and then fed to the lions, yea baby! I’d love to see how those ambulance chasing lawyers will argue the miscreants are suffering too long now!”

Governor Perry rejected criticisms that inmates would be getting an all-expenses paid European holiday courtesy of the Lone Star State. “Them convicts won’t get an easy ride. We’re flying them over on United Airlines, economy class, in a centre seat as far are way as possible from the toilet. And once they arrive at ‘Death Zoo’ they’ll be paraded in front of Danish schoolchildren – just as mad and bad as Texas Correctional Officers I’m told.”

Along with outsourcing executions, Governor Perry confirmed he was also thinking about transferring other parts of the criminal justice system to Copenhagen Zoo. “The Zoo got rid of Marius because it already had too many giraffes with similar genes. Well Texas already has too many citizens with liberal tendencies, I think around four in the whole state, and we could ship those folk to Denmark to be tried in front of the Zoo directors.”

Zoo spokesman Tobias Stenbaek Bro welcomed the announcement saying that the lucrative Texas execution contract would secure the Zoo’s future and allow it to purchase more animals to slaughter in front of schoolchildren to teach them anatomy. But Stenbaek Bro was at pains to point out that the Texas inmates would still be treated humanely.

“We are not animals”, said Stenbaek Bro. “Each inmate will have a whole cage to themselves, in fact we have one spare cage with a wonderfully high roof. And we will still let the inmates choose their last meal, well choose the type of meal – I think the options are giraffe steak, giraffe sausages, giraffe stew, or tofu.”