Category Archives: International News

Snowden’s asylum in Russia was subject to a hetro test

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Putin testing Kim Jong-il: it felt so wrong, it felt so right

NSA whistle-blower Edward Snowden has revealed that his temporary asylum in Russia was only granted after he passed a test proving his heterosexuality beyond all reasonable doubt which was personally administered by Vladimir Putin.

“While I was stuck in Sheremetyevo airport I was informed by officials that I had passed level one simply by having a super-hot girlfriend but then I was taken into a darkened sound-proofed room and told that I had to pass level two,” Snowden recalled from an undisclosed location in central Moscow. “I was told to strip, put on a pair of very small trunks and wait. I thought I was alone but once I was stood there shivering a man stepped out from the shadows. I couldn’t believe it, it was Vladimir Putin and he had a strange, almost hungry look in his eyes.” Continue reading

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Cameron denies plans to ‘go a bit Falklands’ over Gibraltar

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Creepy, isn’t it?

As the row over fishing rights and a border tax in Gibraltar escalates tensions between the UK and Spain, David Cameron has denied that he is channelling Margaret Thatcher and planning to go a bit Falklands.

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” said the Prime Minister as he gripped his handbag tightly. “I am deeply concerned about the situation in Gibraltar and considering all available options. If one of them happens to be a small victorious war which I can secure another term as PM off the back of  then that doesn’t mean I’ll definitely chose it. Just almost definitely, which is entirely different.” Continue reading

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Disgust as Justin Bieber defecates on fans

The Biebs out and about of an evening. Seriously.

The Biebs out and about of an evening. Seriously.

Unsettling Canadian pop-chipmunk Justin Bieber has topped off a controversial week by defecating on fans gathered under his hotel balcony.

Over the last few days the nineteen year old sign that the apocalypse has begun has spat on fans, allegedly attacked a DJ and been caught urinating in a mop bucket he found in a restaurant corridor. Now this latest exhibition of grim anti-social behaviour has increased speculation that The Biebs as millions of fans across the globe call him is going what’s known in the music industry as ‘a bit Michael’ and believing himself to be above the law and social convention. Continue reading

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Australia play Sussex team more on their level ahead of third test

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by | July 27, 2013 · 2:30 pm

French parliament lifts ban on insulting bell-end President

sarkozy

Knob-jockey (now official)

A change in French law means it has now become legal to insult the French president, giant bell-end Francois Hollande.

Parliament agreed on Thursday to amend legislation dating back to 1881 in favour of freedom of speech. Previously, anyone tempted to offend the huge ringpiece  of a President risked a fine, but now it is completely legal to refer to the head of state as “cockpiece”, “arsegargle” or “turdroller”.

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Royal baby named George following William’s tattoo dilemma

Duke's new tattooThe Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have finally named the ‘royal baby’ George Alexander Louis after arguing over a suitable name. The arguments revolved around the length of the third-in-line to the throne’s first name.

In his continuing efforts to modernise the monarchy the Duke wanted to be seen driving his new family home himself, has changed two nappies to give their nanny a rest and is now going to get his child’s name tattooed onto his forearm.

“The idea of getting a tattoo has been set for a while but William is a bit of a wimp”, royal watcher Nicholas Witchell told us. “Catherine always wanted a Bartholomew, Montgomery or Slartibartfast, but he had his heart set on something short and relatively painless to ink such as Bob, Jon or 3.”
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Charles insists on homeopathic birth – 10 more royal baby facts

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Here are ten more lesser known facts about the royal birth

  1. Not only will the prince will be 3rd in line to the throne in this country, but he will also be 25th in line to the throne of Abyssinia (now Ethiopia).
  2. The little bundle of joy will have a 10th share in mineral rights on the moon, thanks to a codicil in the will of astronaut Neil Armstrong.
  3. The royal birth was attended by top physicians and a leading homeopathy expert at the insistence of the child’s grandfather, Prince Charles.
  4. In line with tradition, a ceremonial rope, last used to hold down Queen Victoria during the troubled birth of Prince Alfred in 1844, was brought to the hospital and made available to the Duchess. It is understood that the rope and the historic “Boleyn” biting leather was not used on this occasion. Continue reading

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Exclusive royal baby update; nothing’s happened

After tests, we can confirm that the tumble weed is not related to the royal family.

After tests, we can confirm that the tumble weed is not related to the royal family.

After a nine month wait, newspapers, television news, internet sites all over the world and now the Evening Harold can confirm that nothing has happened in the royal baby story.

“There was a lady who pulled up in what we believe was a car, and made her way into the maternity ward” our reporter for the Evening Harold at the hospital said. “She was large, screaming and out of breath. Early reports suggest she was pregnant but not the Duchess of Cambridge.”

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The Sun launch their ‘unique and unrivalled’ royal baby coverage

Fake Sheikh Midwife

Young royals warned not to sheikh the baby

Following today’s launch of ‘The Sun’s royal baby monitor’, a live camera feed from outside St Mary’s Hospital, the News Group (formally News International) paper has announced how they are going to use their unique reporting methods to bring unrivalled access to the royal birth.

“Great reporters, amazing technology, and dubious moral values mean we can bring you the royal birth from the first contraction right through to long lens picture of the royal baby’s first suckle” editor David Dinsmore told readers. Continue reading

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US Marines invade Snowdonia National Park

He won't last five minutes in Porthmadog come closing time

He won’t last five minutes in Porthmadog come closing time

In a surprise move last night the 1st Battalion 6th Marines launched a full scale assault on Snowdonia involving the setting up of a beachhead on the coast roughly three miles south of Llandwrog for the landing of additional troops.

Official sources were initially alerted when locals reported seeing bright lights in the sky. These were quickly followed by more reports of shouting and shots being fired. Helen Brice, 54, who had been out walking her dog told us. “It was all very exciting. One minute it was just me and Bingo the next I was surrounded by all these soldiers. They were shouting at me and demanding to know where the traitor was. It was scary but one of them sounded just like Morgan Freeman so I quickly calmed down due to his incredibly soothing voice.” Continue reading

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“How to explain a ginger baby” replaces “free porn” as UK’s top Google search

kate ginger2The 700 week run of “free porn” being the UK’s most popular Google search has unexpectedly ended in the run-up to the royal birth, with “how to explain a ginger baby” now taking the top spot. The battle for number one was very close until a number of frenzied searches from Kensington Palace finally saw a new champion.

When quizzed by journalists at his air force base, Prince William expressed considerable surprise at the result, commenting that he had personally searched for “free porn” a number of times that week.
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Aggers urges batsmen to walk: ‘only a cur would run between stumps’

agnew

Agnew demonstrated how ‘swallowing the ball’ was acceptable if the opponents were losing.

Respected cricket buff Jonathan Agnew has slammed England’s latest approach to the Ashes, after witnessing batsmen running between stumps to score points.

“In my day, breaking into a trot was very much frowned upon”, revealed ‘Aggers’, to audiences everywhere too tight to pay for Sky. “We know we’re better than them so there’s no need to break sweat. We should thrash them at a more sportsmenlike canter.”

With the latest developments in computers, cameras and foreign scapegoats, many had assumed that controversy had abandoned the Gentleman’s Game. But with some players still insisting on waiting for a ruling from umpires rather than a Pakistani betting syndicate, Cricket risks being tarred by the same brush that daubs the sort of chap who plays football.
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Andy Murray offered asylum in England

Our precioussss. It's our birthday and we wants him.

Our precioussss. It’s our birthday and we wants him.

David Cameron has confirmed that earlier this morning Andy Murray was formally offered asylum in England to save him from the threat of Scottish independence.

“We have been worried about this young man for some time,” said Cameron. “It started when he won the U.S Open only to increase as he went on to win Olympic gold and Queen’s. Yesterday’s triumph at Wimbledon served only to confirm that he must remain British.” Continue reading

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TV coup as ex-President Morsi appears on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories

Save your kisses for me!

Save your kisses for me!

The announcement last night that deposed Egyptian President, Mohamed Morsi, is to appear on Piers Morgan’s life stories was heralded as a major coup for ITV.

Seen as the biggest TV event since Piers snatched Susan Boyle from under the noses of Virgin Media, the programme promises to showcase Morgan’s true journalistic brilliance as he holds no punches by asking the questions to which the world wants answers. Continue reading

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Tour de France bans cycling to make event a true test of drugs

Diehard Tour fans get ready to support their favourite drugs

Diehard Tour fans get ready to support their favourite drugs

The world’s most famous testing ground of performance enhancing drugs, the Tour de France, has announced that this year’s event will be totally cycling-free to finally level the playing field for the competing pharmacologists. The Tour is celebrating its hundred year anniversary this year, and officials have vowed that cycling will be totally stamped out, both to maintain the integrity of the drug competition and spare viewers the disturbing sight of French and Italian men wearing Lycra.

Tour de France Director, Christian Prudhomme, said the basic format of the event would remain the same with “riders” completing each stage in a bus and then walking down a finishing chute where they would be tested for testosterone, EPO, and human growth hormone. The leading pharmacologist at the end of each stage would hold the prestigious “yellow syringe”.
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Tightrope walker ‘walks a tightrope’ in breezy Grand Canyon tightrope walk

Did I tighten the tightropes?

Did I tighten the tightropes?

Legendary tightrope walker, Nik Wallender, completed a long-held tightrope walking ambition by doing a tightrope walk over the Grand Canyon.

Wallender, who comes from a family of tightrope walkers, prepared for his historic tightrope walk by spending the morning tightening the tightropes. “Once the tightropes were really tight, I knew the tightrope walk would be a breeze as long as the breeze didn’t get too breezy” said Wallender.
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William Hague ‘looking forward to holiday in Afghanistan’

All fixed now...Hague rides the popular petrol flume

All fixed now…Hague rides the popular petrol flume

Just 12 short years after the invasion of Afghanistan, William Hague has announced that the country is now ‘safe enough to take a nice, restful holiday in’.

With power being handed over to the Taliban in a traditional NATO ‘Washing of the Hands’ ceremony, Hague revealed that the first Kabul Butlins will open in a fortnight.

“It’s an all-inclusive resort, although that doesn’t include women”, revealed Hague. “You have to make some concessions to local brutal beliefs.”

Few would have thought that when the country was first bombed back to the stone age that it would claw its way up to a medieval state quite so quickly. But Hague insists Kabul itself is now ‘fewer than 100 years behind resorts such as Guantanamo, Somalia or Rhyl’.
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Doubts over Putin’s claim divorce is ‘work related’

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by | June 15, 2013 · 11:00 am

Murdoch to invade Blair in search of weapon of marriage destruction

Is that a WMD in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Is that a WMD in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

In the aftermath of the break up of his marriage to Wendi Deng, Rupert Murdoch announced that he will invade Tony Blair to search for weapons of marriage destruction (“WMDs”). Apparently Murdoch believes Blair possesses a long missile-shaped weapon that can fire a clear sticky substance as far as a foot.

A spokesman for Mr Murdoch said similar weapons have already been deployed around the world to break up marriages for many years, and they can be deadly from close range.

“We believe Blair is concealing a WMD in his pants” said the Murdoch spokesman. “And we have information that Blair has been conducting secret solo trials of his weapon for many years.”
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Ireland to run out of Catholic priests in 20 years: breeding program intensified

Priests are shy, solitary creatures.

Priests are shy, solitary creatures.

Reacting to a Vatican report which claims that in twenty years time it is likely that there will be no more Roman Catholic priests in Ireland a sanctuary in County Cork is intensifying its breeding program.

“Priests are shy, solitary creatures,” said Donna McAleese, chief vet at In Nomine Patris Priest Sanctuary and Botanical Gardens. “They are also very difficult to keep in captivity due to them requiring a rarefied incense-laden climate and eating up to three times their body weight in communion wafers every day.” Continue reading

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