Category Archives: Culture

Disgust as BBC fails to mention the war for a bit

war family

What did you do during the war programme, daddy?

Complaints have flooded in to the BBC website, after it was revealed that the war wasn’t mentioned for nearly a whole afternoon.

Despite Britain being in Europe and us All Being Friends Now, it’s generally accepted that the Nazi Menace should be dwelled upon on at least every hour and more often at weekends.

“I was appalled”, revealed local pensioner Doris Kettle. “I rely on the BBC’s Rolling Old News Channel for some comfort in these unthreatening times. But then last Thursday, they didn’t so much as a mention rationing or them brainboxes in Bletchley. They should warn us if they’re not going to do that: I assumed the war had restarted.”

Doris was eventually tracked down to a corrugated structure in her garden and calmed by relatives who coaxed her out with a banana and an old tin of ham. But that wasn’t before she’d blacked out her windows, killed her pets and reported her neighbour for being a Trotskyist agitator.
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Glastonbury sells out! Also, all the tickets have been bought

Cliff

Cliff Richard’s songs ‘a delight to clap along to’ confirmed Eavis.

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Prestigious literary award given to local teenager for ‘detailed Facebook updates’.

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There was a shock winner at the Evening Harold Online Literary Awards last night, with the main prize, online writer of the year, going to the relatively unknown local girl Melanie Delaney, 19, for her autobiographical writings on Facebook.

With her friends being kept informed of everything from the idiots on the bus on her way to work, to her decision to use a break in ‘X-Factor’ to ‘pop to the loo’ resulting in her weeing in record time, the judges agreed that no other online writer produced such a detailed account of anything else throughout the year.

“Not only did she give us an insight into how she was feeling with just a single emoticon, she also added mystery and intrigue with updates such as ‘not again’, ‘arse’ and ‘*sigh’”, one of the judging panel explained.
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World Athletics shock: The Queen thinks National Anthem is ‘a bit shit’

queenhits

Queen ‘may form one’s own band’ to record new anthem

Buckingham Palace confirmed today that the Queen has commissioned a new National Anthem following Mo Farah’s medal ceremony in Moscow. “Enough is enough!” she stormed as the tune’s last notes faded away in Moscow, throwing her hat across the room at the TV but hitting a sleeping Corgi instead.

“Do you know how often one’s heard that dirge?” the rant continued “At least 78,532 bloody times! Ronnie Biggs only got 30 years and then got out early, the crafty sod. But it’s over 60 years with no musical parole in sight for ER2. Doesn’t this breach one’s human-rights? We objected to the yanks playing the same thing over & over to their Guantanamo guests didn’t we? Mind you, that was Metallica.”

“One will tell you what though. If Brian May gets himself up on the Palace roof again and even thinks about playing it, Philip will definitely give him both barrels. It was all one could do to stop him last time.”
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Local Lothario celebrates eighth full year of paternity leave

kyle

‘Wedding video’ was widely watched.

A womaniser from Harold’s Shippam’s Estate is celebrating tonight, after securing his eighth full year of paternity leave. Dave Grobbelaar, 27, received the happy news by text message from ‘girlfriend’ Sandy Twittock, while feeling up her sister in the snug of The Squirrel Licker’s Arms.

While Grobbelaar claims to be ‘an all-round handyman’, those too close to him claim he’s inexperienced with all but one tool. Confirmed father of around 15% of the local population, Grobbelaar now has his own parking space at the Tarbuck antenatal clinic.

“Being a serial father can be a risky business”, claimed Grobbelaar, ‘you can’t rely on paternity leave, unless you’re sure the mum is working.”
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Filed under Culture, Dating, DNA, Economy

Squirrel Lickers Arms wins “Best Pub” award despite suspected voting irregularities

Harold sign

Could Harold finally be on the map?

The Squirrel Lickers Arms won the Dunstable and Surrounds “Best Pub” award for the 33rd year in a row though once again rival publicans claim that the vote was rigged, an accusation strenuously denied by the Squirrel Lickers “publican for life” Eddie.

Eddie, who long ago dropped his last name for tax purposes, says he won the award fair and square and his rivals had a bad case of “sour grapes”, which was literally correct as the wine supplies of the competing Felching and Dunstable public houses were mysteriously contaminated.

“I swear on Robert Mugabe’s grave that I didn’t fix the vote” an uncharacteristically emotional Eddie told the Evening Harold. “That the Squirrel Lickers got 120% of the vote speaks for itself – we mean that much to the people of Harold.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Felching Bumsquats

Stars come out for village Wasp Festival

waspchild

A bait child practices being attractive to wasps

With just two days to go until the Annual Harold Wasp Festival, organizers are dusting off their tennis racquets and polishing their jam traps.

And thanks to a winter breeding programme in the loft of the local pub, their are hopes that this year could break the 1976 record.

“Back then, we took our seasonal wasp genocide for granted”, explained legendary ‘wasp whisperer’ John Horse. “We downed more than 1,200 of the little buggers  before Saturday lunchtime. Barely a bee was bruised but the jaspers were littering the streets. I’ve still got my commemorative rolled-up programme.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Art, Culture, Uncategorized

Do you want a vegetable-free diet? Try all new ‘PorQu’

The UK's finest Vegetable substitute

The UK’s finest Vegetable substitute

Are you having trouble convincing your children to eat their vegetables? Are you a carnivore that struggles to get your recommended daily amount of meat? Are you just looking for a way to improve your evening meal? Then why not try PorQu.

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Top Gear under fire for faking Richard Hammond’s personality

richard-hammond

Presenter ‘basically a sausage and cardboard’

The BBC has again been forced to apologise for Top Gear, after it was revealed that Richard Hammond’s personality had been faked.

Hammond, a 4’9″ pile of crudely moulded spam, has been used by the show regularly to make up the number of oafs. But audiences weren’t explicitly told that he was a shaped heap of minced cheap cuts, a situation the BBC admitted was ‘regrettable’.

“When we agreed to Clarkson’s demands for a meat-based dwarf gollum, we didn’t think anyone would take it too seriously”, insisted BBC Apologizer Quentin Sharpes. “It’s pretty obvious it’s just made from hair gel and the eyes of a Slow Loris, topped off with a massively oversized watch.”
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Filed under Culture, Fashion, Penguins, spam

Booker Longlist includes shampoo bottle, Top Trumps card, recipe for mince

scissors

Judges currently favouring single-sided entries

Organisers of the Harold Booker Literary prize have been accused of ‘dumbing down’, after the longlist was revealed to contain nothing thicker than a pamphlet.

With the label from a shampoo bottle being amongst the selected few, some think the list is just a collection of things Ron Ronsson reads while he’s sat on the toilet.

“Not a bit of it”, said Ronsson, clutching a packet of tampons. “All of the entrants are here purely on merit. And with 13 of the buggers to read before August, did you really expect us to squeeze in a novel?”
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Top Tips for the perfect summer BBQ

Food & Drink with Miles Anour

Put some bang into your bangers

Put some bang into your bangers

I was invited to a BBQ recently. The text specified that I should bring my own food, drink, something to sit on etc. Rather than being invited to a party, it seemed that I had to bring my own party with me. In fact, I had to take everything other than a roll of turf to sit on.

A special barbeque doesn’t happen by accident. Hosting the perfect barbeque carries serious responsibilities. Here are my top tips on how to put on the BBQ that everyone will relish.

Food
If you’re expecting me to give you some poncy recipe with Maldivian pesto and pomegranate seeks then you’re going to be disappointed. My message is keep it simple. Any shortcomings in the quality of the food you provide can be covered up by ensuring that the booze keeps flowing. Continue reading

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Village issues Level 3 street party warning

carnival

Mardi Gras or Mardy Bum?

Villagers in Harold are being asked to keep an eye on vulnerable neighbours who might be tempted to carnival in sweltering temperatures.

With the mercury rising and the sun beating down, some members of the community could be tempted to make the most of the weather. But Councillor Ron Ronsson warned against such infuriatingly continental behaviour, and urged residents to maintain a stiff upper lip.

“The elderly and the young are at the greatest risk of making the most of this weather”, insisted Ronsson. “Because the rest of us are stuck working in the office. But while al fresco dining and lively music might seem a good idea at first, I’ve got one word for you all: ‘wasps’.”
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Museum employee retires after 48 years being ‘the eyes that follow you around a room’

paintingAfter 48 years of loyal service, Alan ‘Beady’ Bladon has decided to retire from his position at Harold’s museum. Since joining the organisation in 1965, Alan has been the eyes in a painting that follow you around the room.

“Harold museum was struggling n the ’60s when I joined, so we had to look at different ways of bringing in visitors” Mr Bladon told us. “We quickly realised that all the best museums have a painting where the eyes follow you wherever you go.

“After having our £5.30 bid for the Mona Lisa turned down, we were left with no such portrait so opted to cut holes in an existing piece and have me look through it with my eyes following people.”

Visitors to the museum have described the painting as odd, creepy and even perverse. Since taking up his position in the piece, people have claimed the eyes have followed them around, have started winking at them, and in 1983 an outbreak of conjunctivitis was even blamed on Mr Bladon’s then pink eyes.

Describing her experience, regular chin-stroking art enthusiast and owner of ‘Sally’z Cutz’, Sally Lloyd said “I always got the strange feeling I was being watched when I was in the same room as the painting.

“However, it got weirder the closer I got. Every time I leant in to see the finer details of a picture, the eyes’ gaze seemed to move from my eyes to staring down my top.”

The museum has told us they are now looking for a replacement set of staring eyes, but admit despite having hundreds of applications, the position is proving hard to fill. “All of the applicants so far have the skills needed to look at people all day, but our insistence on a criminal records check has set us back.”

Click here to see the full picture – ‘Cats’ Eyes In A Field’.

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Village celebrates ‘Independence from Tesco Day’

butchers

Heads & Tails butchers promises to ‘make ends meat’

The villagers of Harold have taken to the high street, to celebrate their new-found independence from Tesco. Many spent under 45 minutes finding a parking space and then a business that wasn’t all boarded up.

For decades Harold has lived under the cruel tyranny of Tesco, suffering from a wide range of goods at near-affordable prices. But now a reasonably hygienic butchers has opened up on the High Street, breaking Tesco’s stranglehold on the community’s meat-based desires. Cllr Ron Ronsson spoke for many when he simply could not hold back his delight with this new place to get his chop on.

“I’ve been shopping in Tesco for so long now, I’d forgotten about the high street completely”, said Ronsson. “Then I found this amazing business that just sells meat and things made from the wobbly bits, so I thought ‘why don’t I buy everything from here?'”
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BBC announce Doctor Who Ramadan special

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Nothing is more British than this

The BBC announced today that it is to broadcast a special episode of family favourite Doctor Who to coincide with start of Ramadan on 9th July. The exact details of the plot remain a closely guarded secret but it is understood that the Doctor will make a new acquaintance and share the meal that breaks their daily fast – iftar – with them and their family.

“There have been and always will be Christmas specials of Doctor Who,” said Paul Regan, a spokesperson for the show. “But as someone who travels throughout space and time the Doctor has of course witnessed many different religious festivals so this year we are showing him getting involved in one as well as reflecting a part of the hugely diverse Doctor Who audience.” Continue reading

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Socialites go crazy for new Ian Brady ‘hunger strike diet’

novbig2

Taking no chances. The don’t see food diet

As notorious child killer Ian Brady finally reveals how he keeps his wraith-like figure despite being on hunger strike for 14 years, self-absorbed socialites are adopting his diet.

Buoyed by the news that ‘food doesn’t count if you eat it in secret’, many are finding that  the Brady Hunger Strike Diet is surprisingly easy to stick to.

Villagers from Harold’s new unaffordable homes development have adopted a range of decorative nasal feeding tubes, while pretending that they ‘basically never eat’. Any weight gain can be blamed on food being hosed up their nose by the government, rather than on the mountain of toast and soup that they stuff down in the dark.
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Leading Fromologist discovers meaning of ‘Fromology’ on day of retirement

Cheesewatch

Retirement present was ‘first clue’

Britain’s leading Fromologist has finally discovered what it was that he was supposed to be doing, just hours before his official retirement.

Dr Tristan Moorchamps, 68, has enjoyed the trappings of success associated with his field for nearly 40 years. Indeed, many of his learned colleagues have spoken of their admiration for a man who would regularly stop at nothing in his relentless pursuit of Fromological excellence.

Renowned for his impressively obscure vocabulary as much as his manifold speech impediments, Moorchamps was custodian to his college’s hallowed fromology library. There he would spend many a long decade, translating tomes from the original Latin into Swahili and back, looking for amusing discrepancies that could be used in after-dinner anecdotes.
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Working class girls urged to ‘adopt an endangered toff’

harry charity

One day, this nob could be released back into the wild

Britain’s working classes are being encouraged to ‘do their bit for the struggling posh’, especially self-loathing toffs who crave a meaningless life of drudgery and filth.

With poshness now less welcome than leprosy in many UK homes, campaigners fear that the class system is becoming dangerously heavy-bottomed.

“Its rare to see someone in red trousers braying in a public place these days”, explained Margaret Hounslow of the charity ‘Snob It Out’. “They’re hunted ruthlessly for their thick skins, massive teeth and tiny chins.”
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Talking Heads’ ‘Road to Nowhere’ found in village

Stairway to heaven?

Stairway to heaven?

In a desperate attempt to boost local tourism, the village of Harold has decided to institute a Rock ’n’ Roll Trail by renaming several local features after classic music tracks.

The idea after a planning committee met to consider a name for a path which leads out of the village with no apparent destination. “It’s very old,” said committee chairman, Eileen Remnant, 76, “but no one has a clue where it used to go to. It just fizzles out at the top of a slope.”

“When I joked that it was a road to nowhere, Councillor Cummerbund pointed out that this was title of a hit by a pop group apparently called The Talking Heads. Then the idea of naming other village places after popular songs and groups grew.”

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Australia’s reputation for sexual equality ‘in tatters’

les-patterson

It’s all about respect

There were fears today that the excellent reputation for women’s rights built up over many years in Australia could be fatally tarnished after various unsavoury incidents, including Chris Gayle’s embarrassing flirting and Member of Parliament Peter Dutton being forced to apologise for calling a female journalist a “fucking witch”.

Over the past hundred years or so, few countries have had the excellent reputation for sexual equality enjoyed by Australia. It has always been a given that at work or leisure, sexism was quite unheard of, and females could enjoy a life of absolute equality without the faintest hint of lechery or belittlement. This ingrained culture of inclusiveness is displayed just as much towards the country’s aboriginal community, who have always enjoyed better treatment than that of any other developed nation, and are so well represented in parliament.

It is all the more shocking that a country with Australia’s unparalleled cultural heritage should be besmirched in this way, placing at risk the great intellectual legacy left by former Prime Minister Tony Abbott.

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