“My movies are no laughing matter”
The 78-year-old filmmaker said Dylan Farrow’s open letter published last week by The New York Times included “creative flourishes that seem to have magically appeared during our 21-year estrangement.”
“Of course, I did not make funny movies,” wrote Allen. “I tried to, and hope one day she will grasp how she has been cheated out of having a funny father by a mother more interested in her own humour than her daughter’s well-being.”
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Filed under Entertainment
The rehearsal went fine
Farage enjoys a ciggie after polishing his gun
“Like all leaders, Farage wants to be seen as a strong, virile leader” said political scientist Jacob Heather. “But ‘downstairs’ he just doesn’t stack up. I think Farage thinks a Magnum 44 in his pocket would make all the difference.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics
The Father, Son, and Holy Toast
Jesus-free proponents say that traditional toast contains significant amounts of images of Jesus and the Virgin Mary and this can dull the capacity for individual thought and leave people reliant on fairy stories and miracles. It also leaves a stodgy, bloated feeling in the stomach and causes wind.
“I’ve felt much more energetic and alive since moving to Jesus-free toast” observed Harold café owner Pippa Delaney. “I wake up earlier, I have the energy for a decent walk, and I’ve stopped giving ten percent of my money to the Church.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Religion
Rooney getting married mid-pitch probably didn’t help
Moyes pointed to God’s reputation for ‘working in mysterious ways’, and said that God needed to find other ways of show His displeasure given that the traditional ‘lots of rain and floods’ is now just considered normal weather in the UK.
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QPR buy a safe pair of hands for Robert Green
The first few days of the new transplant window has seen numerous deals.
As expected, Premier League aspirants Queens Park Rangers have gone to the market for a safe pair of hands for Robert Green, and Peter Schmeichel’s large mitts have been secured for a 7 figure sum. Robert Green welcomed the news of the record transplant saying: “It won’t change me one bit, well apart from the fact that I’ll now be able to catch the ball of course.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Sport
Pietersen surprised all by writing an entire paragraph
England coach Andy Flower said he was proud of the boys, especially Kevin Pietersen who hadn’t previously written anything longer than a tweet. And the backroom staff also played their part with Geoff Boycott’s Nan encouraging the team to concentrate on ‘lines and length’ when editing the Ashes 2013-14 Wikipedia entry.
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Never ask whether Christmas sex comes with an exchange card
Speaking from his bed in Dunstable Hospital, Mr Delaney said his wife had given him Christmas sex the last 5 years in a row, and his wife seemed initially unfazed when he mentioned the exchange card.
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Filed under Around Harold, Christmas, Culture
Such fun!
A spokesmen for the Chinese companies said that traditional Christmas cracker jokes were suitable for ages 7 to 77, but only 7 year olds and 77 year olds actually found them hilarious. This was entirely deliberate as anything too funny at a Christmas dinner could be a choking hazard. By replacing the traditional jokes with Miranda jokes, the Chinese again hope to avoid messy lawsuits.
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Filed under Around Harold, Christmas, Culture, Entertainment, Showbusiness
Have you seen this man?
European Interpol chief Claude Reinmens said the search for Blair had gone cold and they needed the public’s help. “We have searched all the obvious places, Blair’s 9 houses, oil company headquarters, and Wendi Deng’s bedroom. We even searched the International Criminal Court in the Hague, but they hadn’t seen him either.”
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Filed under Crime, International News, Law and Order, Politics
Morale of many UK workers is at an all-time low after the office Xmas Party season generated next to no complaints of sexual indiscretions, punch-ups, and inappropriate Secret Santa gifts. With the traditional January pastime of gossiping over the progress of colleague’s disciplinary proceedings under threat, there is widespread fear amongst employees that they will have to spend the month actually doing work.
The sudden drop in complaints has caught HR specialists by surprise, with a variety of theories advanced to explain the worrying phenomenon.
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Filed under Around Harold, Christmas, Culture
The second coming?
“They could offer me all that and more and I still wouldn’t be interested” said Sir Alex. “I’d say no to the job even if they threw in some champion racehorses, a holiday house in Barbados, and chained David Beckham to the wall so I could throw shoes at him.”
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‘Irony’ is when mum presses my t-shirt
“Them Muslims should be banned from wearing veils – they shouldn’t be allowed to hide their faces” said Gavin, an EDL supporter who wouldn’t give his last name.
“Muslims go home – England for the Polish” shouted Jerzey “Smith”, a carpenter from Essex.
Other EDL members just tried to stare threateningly but soon gave up when local children mistook them for clowns.
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Filed under Around Harold, Law and Order, News
Tom Daley’s announcement that ‘right now I’m dating a guy’ while also clarifying ‘I still fancy girls’ has ensured that every UK teenager now has a Tom Daley poster on their bedroom wall.
“I’ve loved Tom since he was in short trousers, well he’s still in short trousers” said Melanie Delaney, aged 19 from Harold. “I’m just so relieved that Tom is only dating that guy ‘right now’. As soon as Tom gives him the flick, I’ve got a really good chance as he’s made it clear he ‘still fancies girls’.”
Melanie’s brother, Simon Delaney aged 16, was full of excitement as he stuck his first Tom Daley poster to his wall. “I’ve always known I was gay and I can’t wait to meet Tom as soon as he finishes with the guy he is with ‘right now’.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Sport
JFK incident ‘shouldn’t detract from a really great gun’
NRA members across America today celebrated the timeless design and long range accuracy of the 6.5 mm Carcano Model 91/38 carbine, the rifle Lee Harvey Oswald used to assassinate President Kennedy.
“The Carcano 91/38 was everything you could want in a rifle, accurate for long shots from a 6th story window and yet still highly effective for the close combat stuff, like shooting a stranded motorist who stops by your house to borrow the telephone” said NRA spokesmen Jed Hicks. “The rifle was also sharply priced at $19.95, plus postage. Obviously I don’t approve of Oswald shooting the President, but his choice of mail-order rifle was excellent.”
“Obviously Oswald’s rifle was the most memorable thing from 22 November 1963, but some of the Secret Service weaponry came a close second” observed Hicks. “The Colt AR-15 high-velocity rifle that most of them had was the sort of weapon that, even now, gun fans proudly display on their bedside table to use against home invaders or provide something for the kids to play with.”
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Filed under Business, News, Technology
In a move variously stated as being ‘inclusive’ or ‘desperate’, Mensa announced the creation of an associate member category called ‘Lensa’ based on looks rather than IQ. The new Lensa category is open to people who are in the 98th percentile of physical attractiveness regardless of whether they can recite Pi to 10 places or not.
Mensa spokesman Ethan Evans from Harold said that opening up membership was necessary to address the problem that none of the existing members were getting it on with each other.
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Dating
Internet giant Google is facing scrutiny after it emerged that in its much-trumpeted crackdown on child porn, it has slipped in curbs on people searching for terms such as “Google tax avoidance” and “corporate responsibility”. Moreover, anyone searching for such terms are being reported to the police as a possible paedophile.
Google’s practice came to light when 8 year old Jason Smith from Harold was using the class computer to research a project on Google.
“The computer was already playing up after Jason clicked on some anti-capitalist websites” said Jason’s teacher Louise Hall. “When he searched for ‘why does Google pay no tax when it earns billions’, the screen went blue and the computer shut down.”
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My suitcase is already packed.
Roy Keane said it was a real honour to be given the post as the Ireland football team’s assistant coach, and he was looking forward to walking out on them as soon as possible.
Keane was at his combative and fiery best at a press conference today as he explained how he would repay head coach Martin O’Neill’s faith in him by working hard at his coaching skills, get the trust of the players, and then walk out on them at the most inconvenient moment.
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Eddie’s moobs found a good home with Brenda
A local plastic surgery clinic has gained worldwide attention for its novel idea of offering both man boob removals and female breast enlargements. The clinic run by Harold doctor Clive Evans has already conducted man boob transplants for over 100 happy customers, and is a finalist in the UK Innovation Awards.
Like all good ideas, it seems surprising that nobody thought of moob transplants before. Dr Evans said he had his “eureka” moment when he and ex-wife Sally were on holiday in Marbella and they saw all the buff men and buxom women on the beach. “Sally said we have got things the wrong way round – she was flat-chested and I had double D cups” said Dr Evans. “So I said why don’t we swap?”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Health, Medicine
Do I look like I want a pink collar?
Tiddles’ owner, Hilda Merton aged 78, and who owns 12 other cats, said she couldn’t understand why Tiddles was so depressed, especially after she had recently bought him a lovely pink collar with a pretty sounding bell.
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Nature
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