Guy Martin, and some packets of political promises.
Guy Martin is set to become the next Labour leader, if a bookies in Harold is to be believed.
Pulling ahead of Jodie Kidd and that shouty policeman from Life on Mars, Martin is odds-on favourite in the race to the red flag.
“What’s that chief?”, asked the adrenalin junkie, “leader of the pack? That’s not really my scene, I’m more of a racer than a moderate or a rocker.”
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All participants are experts in veneers.
Tonight on BBC 4, the surprise hit ‘Slow TV’ will reach its climax with 13 hours of uninterrupted election coverage*.
Watch as five well-oiled, semi-skilled bodgers attempt to assemble a cabinet.
Going against the grain, the group uses techniques that seem to defy progress. Marvel as they tirelessly attempt to stuff a dovetail into a butt joint.
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Some green voters consider drinking their own piss.
Harold’s Green candidate is expecting a voting collapse, as a lack of wind or sunshine hampers attempts to reach polling stations.
A few plucky voters have attempted to make it to the memorial hall by tide power, but being 150 miles inland has thwarted most efforts.
“This is very disappointing”, said Pippa Delaney. “We blame bias in the BBC’s weather department. “We asked for a squall, but this is barely a breeze.”
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‘Trust me. We’ll soon have this torn apart.’
John Major has warned voters that a Labour/SNP coalition would ruin the country at a much higher cost than the Conservatives.
“When it comes to asset stripping and smashing glorious institutions into tiny pieces, the private sector has a lot more experience”, said Sir John.
“While we’re sure that Alex Salmond and Ed Miliband are more than capable of ruining almost anything, you have to ask yourself, ‘at what cost?’
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Must. Smash. Bankers.
Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls has finally been spotted in public, running in a loping gait and clutching a femur.
In a security lapse, Balls slipped into an area where the press were present, and touched a mysterious stone monolith left there by a weird alien.
“At that point, Balls made a startling transformation”, one reporter told us. “He stopped flinging his muck, and demonstrated rudimentary tool use.”
The reclusive ‘attack chimp’ first used the bone to scratch at his bottom, before stoving in the head of someone who looked a bit ‘wealthy’.
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Farage hopes to see more rotten leaflets.
Irony has given Nigel Farage another kick in the goolies this week with news that the UK has met the target dictated by Brussels for recycling as much rubbish as possible, thanks mainly to millions of anti-European UKIP leaflets going straight in the bin.
European Environment Commissioner Karmenu Vella travelled by EuroStar to Thanet, where he caught up with Nigel Farage who was there on election campaign business.
“I have come to thank you personally, Monsieur Fromage (sic),” the Commissioner told him, “for your generous contribution of paper-based rubbish which tipped the balance and made the UK do as it’s told for once.”
The Commissioner then pinned a badge on Farage’s coat, depicting the EU emblem with the words “I did my bit for Europe” underneath. A modest Farage blushed excessively on receiving the award and, mouth agape, was lost for words, while two of his heavies accidentally both punched the Commissioner believing him to be a common assailant m’lud.
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Sturgeon carries Miliband over the line.
Nicola Sturgeon is encouraging Ed Miliband to choose a ‘safeword’, which would let her know when he wants her to stop fucking him.
“We’re having a lot of fun with our power games”, said Sturgeon, “but I sense a bit of reluctance on his part. And that might be because we haven’t set out the boundaries.”
Sturgeon has felt a surge in her ballot box recently, although she worries that it may be at the expense of her partner’s enjoyment. For his part, Miliband still insists that he is capable of coming first.
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The new team decide who to pick on first.
The BBC has announced exciting plans to gently manoeuvre the hit show ‘Top Gear’ away from the race track, and into the kitchen.
“Some fans have said that the show was never really about cars, it was in fact about the chemistry between three oafs”, revealed BBC Imagineer Ross Kelp.
“So why not get in some new presenters, teach them to be shits, and get them cooking at each other in Peru?”
With 73% of the BBC’s current output focussing on food, Kelp sees this as proof that now is the time to ‘apron up’.
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Farage downs another policy.
Until now, UKIP campaigners have welcomed the slamming of doors in their faces as a strong signal in favour of their policy of slamming doors in people’s faces.
“It’s been seen as symbolic support,” say political analysts “of UKIP’s policy of shutting people out.”
But now, a fresh interpretation of the door-slamming gesture has been put forward which undermines UKIP’s positive spin.
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Test is simple and quick.
A scientist from Harold has launched a home testing kit, allowing people to diagnose whether or not they’re an arsehole.
The condition is widespread and can make those affected insufferable, but until now, it’s been hard to self-diagnose.
Local GP Dr Evans is the brains behind the kit, which he’s expecting to sell in large numbers.
“Not directly to those with arseholism, obviously”, clarified Evans. “None of them have a clue that they’re ill.”
“But work colleagues can chip in and present an arsehole with a test kit, as a hint that there might be a problem.”
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UKIP would issue everyone in Kent with an emergency flag.
Nigel Farage has condemned ‘media bias’ for encouraging the government to give foreign aid to Nepal.
Britain has pledged £5 million to the earthquake-ravaged region, money that could be ‘better spent’ on a British earthquake, if one were to happen.
UKIP opposes spending on foreign aid, because its members don’t read the ‘World’ section of newspapers.
“By shamelessly reporting about foreign countries, the media is encouraging Britons to care. And that’s not something UKIP thinks we can afford to do”, said Farage.
“I don’t see Nepal giving money to people in Thurrock who may or may not be trapped in an avalanche”, he revealed. “And that can only be for one reason: they have a news blackout.”
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Balls will now concentrate on trying to learn from history.
Ed Balls has given the Labour election campaign a powerful boost, after announcing he has finally passed GCSE maths.
The shadow chancellor has resat the tough exam 32 times, “which is an even number”, the newly-confident maths-whizz revealed.
But it was 30-ish times lucky for Balls, who finally has a ‘strong pass’ in one of the key qualifications any economist would strive for.
“We’ve put it on the fridge, so visiting dignitaries can see it”, said Balls. “Alex Salmond was so impressed, he gave me two pounds to spend on sweets. Just think, I could buy a penny chew every day for a year.”
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Another person of no fixed address is spotted.
Members of the EC have called an emergency search and rescue meeting, to look for some safe moral highground.
Reputations have been dashed like a small dinghy against a rescue ship, but so far, no-one else has been found responsible for the deaths of hundreds of refugees.
“We thought of blaming the victims, but that didn’t go down well at all”, said Jean-Claude Juncker. “So now we’re hoping to target the people smugglers.”
“But they insist they are only responding to market forces and that someone else created the demand in the first place. And quite frankly, that’s outside of our remit.”
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‘Something about him didn’t add up’.
Forensic officers have removed sack-fulls of numbers from the house of a rogue trader with a foreign-sounding name.
Navinder Singh’s home contained maths-making equipment, capable of producing sums or a ‘dirty equation’.
Neighbours said Singh pretty much kept himself to himself.
“He was a quiet man, not the sort of chap you’d ever suspect of doing maths”, said one. “We did hear him tapping away at a keyboard occasionally, but assumed he was only using the letters.”
Detectives suggested he could have been radicalised by the Open University.
“I don’t trust that lot”, said PC Flegg, “what with their weird clothes and beards.”
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Following a disastrous loss of over £6bn, Tesco could face being nationalised by the chancellor.
George Osborne insisted that the store was ‘too big to fail’, particularly in towns where the ‘scum’ might end up in Waitrose.
“If there’s an Asda down the road, then it’s hardly a problem”, said Osborne. “There’s plenty of room for more of the little people in there.”
“But what if they neighbour a Booths, Marks and Spencers, or Waitrose? Let me assure you, I won’t let them eat brioche.”
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Ed Balls
Labour’s top mathematician has been accused of editing the wikipedia entry for Nicola Sturgeon, after his name was spotted in several places on her page.
The shadow chancellor admitted to perusing her slot, but only to find out if she’d said anything nice about him.
“I was reading her entry, trying to find out if she likes me, when I suddenly found myself in a ‘text altering’ situation”, said Balls.
“Obviously, this was in between some routine searches for my own name in Google, and I think somewhere along the line, that search engine screwed up.”
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Phil Rudd, the drummer for AC/DC, has been sentenced to three years in Whitesnake.
Rudd pleaded guilty to charges of threatening to kill a former employee, but denied possessing a copy of the single “Is this Love”.
“Clearly, that must have been planted by someone”, said Rudd. “And if I find out who it was, I’ll have them ki…ssed?”
Amnesty International has condemned the punishment, and called for it to be commuted to a fortnight in Def Leppard.
“Until now, Rudd hasn’t had a criminal record”, said his lawyer Bruce Grobellaar. “Although he admits the stuff they released in the ’90s came close.”
Life in Whitesnake is known to be incredibly harsh: some who have served it end up taking their own hearing.
“It’s the thought of solitary confinement that scares me the most”, admitted Rudd. “We never had that in AC/DC. Imagine being on my own for what…7 or 8 minutes? Just banging away, with not so much as a bass line. And all the while you’re thrashing away at the solo, there’s the threat that when it ends, David Coverdale will come back out.”
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Leon paused the bit where Leon was on, to try and catch a glimpse of his cock.
Popular tv show tv show Gogglebox is under investigation by police after deliberately showing Gogglebox families Gogglebox families watching Gogglebox.
“Oh no, I can’t stand this guy”, said Leon, just as Leon said “oh no, I can’t stand this guy”. That was the moment his wife noticed he was flickering on and off.
Four of the stars are now so shallow, their opinions hardly matter at all. “They’re in an observation ward”, explained Channel 4 spokesman Harry Tubes. “The doctor says they’re not serious, but still very watchable.”
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Another innovation inspired by Katie Hopkins.
Twitter has announced a new button for its suite of apps, that makes it easier for people to troll celebrities and the vulnerable.
The ‘death threat’ button works in a similar way to the ‘like’ button on Facebook, seen by many as a ‘killer feature’.
“Social media is a very important way of judging your popularity”, said Ken Swansong of Twitter. “But what if you read a tweet you disagree with, and then find it was written by a woman?”
“With this ‘fix’ there’s no need to strain your limited mental capacity by stringing a half-sentence of bile-filled anger together. Just click the skull and crossbones, and let the world know what sort of man you are.”
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