Author Archives: verticallychallengedgiant

by | April 1, 2014 · 7:00 am

Police force admit ‘ant terrorism’ initiative result of typing error

Possibly planning acts of terrorism, but probably not.

Possibly planning acts of terrorism, but probably not.

The Harold police force has admitted that a recent focus on ant terrorism was “almost certainly” a result of a typing error, with the number of arrests still standing at zero after more than six months of hard work.

“I went to a regional conference on policing in Luton and there was a lot going on so I struggled to keep up but made the best notes I could.” explained an embarrassed PC Flegg, “There was a whole section on anti-terrorism techniques, but it would appear that when I came to type up my notes I missed the i off anti.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Police force admit ‘ant terrorism’ initiative result of typing error

Filed under Around Harold, Law and Order, News

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | March 4, 2014 · 11:00 am

30,000-year-old virus ‘comes back to life’, complains about the weather

I'm used to the cold, but this cold would get right into my bones if I had any

I’m used to the cold, but this cold would get right into my bones if I had any

An ancient virus has come back to life after lying dormant for at least 30,000 years and immediately started grumbling about the weather, rude young people, and how everything was better ‘in its day’.

Found frozen in a deep layer of Siberian permafrost the virus was thawed out by French scientists and became infectious once again, before spending fully three hours complaining about everything from the incessant rain to not being able to understand smart phones. Continue reading →

Comments Off on 30,000-year-old virus ‘comes back to life’, complains about the weather

Filed under News

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

by | February 11, 2014 · 7:00 am

Latest neknomination tragedy sees old lady die after swallowing a horse

nomnom

Don’t ask why, don’t ask how: just watch and be outraged.

The Facebook drinking game neknomination has claimed another victim as an old lady died shortly after posting a video of herself swallowing a horse.

Mavis Watkins took part in the deadly game after being nominated by her grandson, and initially tried to outdo his effort by swallowing a fly. Seeming to not fully understand the rules she then repeatedly nominated herself to take part in ever more extreme challenges before eventually swallowing the horse that killed her. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Latest neknomination tragedy sees old lady die after swallowing a horse

Filed under News

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

by | January 16, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Australian Open weather reporting reaches record high

Some tennis also being played

Some tennis also being played

Reporting of the weather at the Australian Open reached a new high today with the extremely high temperatures being mentioned 44 times during a single match, the fourth time that the previous record has been broken during this tournament.

Before this year the record stood at 27 mentions of the weather in one match, during a thunder storm at the 2010 tournament, but soaring weather references have seen that record broken on each day of the 2014 event so far. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Australian Open weather reporting reaches record high

Filed under News, Sport

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | · 7:00 am

John Virgo living under a bridge

Virgo 10 years ago, 2 years ago and an artist's impression of what he will look like next year

Virgo 10 years ago, 2 years ago and an artist’s impression of what he will look like next year

The BBC has revealed today that the ever more shabby appearance of presenter John Virgo is due to the snooker commentator having been spending most of his time living under a bridge over the last year.

“John’s appearance was never the smartest even during his playing days, where the waistcoat was always offset by the beard, but we had become increasingly concerned over the last couple of years as he deteriorated ever further. So we approached him a few months ago to ensure that everything was ok.” confirmed a spokesman for the BBC, Continue reading →

Comments Off on John Virgo living under a bridge

Filed under News, Sport

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | January 6, 2014 · 2:00 pm

New ‘Man United’ dance craze consists almost entirely of backwards steps

Everybody clap your hands. Now sliiiiiiiiiiide!

Everybody clap your hands. Now sliiiiiiiiiiide!

Gangnam Style, the Harlem Shake and Twerking have all had their day and now the latest dance craze is set to be the Manchester United dance, made up almost entirely of backwards steps.

“This is already sweeping the UK, proving especially popular in Liverpool and certain parts of Manchester with a sky blue colour theme. Given Manchester United’s global appeal I would expect it to be seen on dance floors around the world within the next few months.” said David Moyes, the man credited as being the inspiration behind the first viral dance craze of 2014. Continue reading →

Comments Off on New ‘Man United’ dance craze consists almost entirely of backwards steps

Filed under Lifestyle, News, Sport

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , ,

by | · 7:00 am

Secret society still not getting credit they deserve for averting apocalypse

Where's the rest of the month? Oh...

Where’s the rest of the month? Oh…

As the date of the latest apocalyptic prediction draws closer, with the Viking apocalypse Ragnorak set to occur on February 22nd, the leader of a secret society dedicated to the protection of mankind has bemoaned their continuing lack of recognition.

“People noticed that Gary Barlow and David Beckham were not knighted in the 2014 New Year Honours List, but nobody batted an eyelid at the fact that all of our members were overlooked once again, despite having prevented the end of the world numerous times.” complained a man who insisted on being referred to as ‘Grand Master’. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Secret society still not getting credit they deserve for averting apocalypse

Filed under News

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , ,

by | December 26, 2013 · 7:00 am

UK public disappointed in attempts to return unwanted politicians

I'll take a refund but I don't want to exchange her for another one

I’ll take a refund but I don’t want to exchange her for another one

Enterprising members of the public have been left disappointed after attempting to return unwanted MPs along with unwanted Christmas presents this morning.

Many people hit on the idea of returning their local MP along with the new jumper that is several sizes too small, but stores are refusing to refund or even exchange politicians as they claim it is “not their place to do so”. Continue reading →

Comments Off on UK public disappointed in attempts to return unwanted politicians

Filed under News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

by | December 20, 2013 · 11:00 am

Independent Scotland “can forget about bringing its washing home at weekends”

Our little boy is growing up and leaving home

Our little boy is growing up and leaving home

The UK has said today that they fully respect Scotland’s bid for independence, and admire their determination to stand on their own two feet, but that “they needn’t think they are going to be able to bring their washing home at weekends for me to do”.

Alex Salmond is hoping that Scotland will go with his bid for independence, swayed by the promise of being able to stay up as late as they want, not having to tidy their room if they don’t want to, and being able to bring girls home whenever they like. But there are doubts from the UK as to whether Scotland fully understands everything involved. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Independent Scotland “can forget about bringing its washing home at weekends”

Filed under News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

by | December 17, 2013 · 7:00 am

Simon Cowell to overhaul X Factor format after unattractive older woman wins

It's not about singing

It’s not about singing

Simon Cowell has announced that he will drastically overhaul the format of the X Factor for 2014 to ensure that a talented, but unattractive older woman does not accidentally win the show again.

Sam Bailey, 36, was crowned the winner of the show’s tenth series on Sunday after some incredible vocal performances, but Cowell is concerned that she is not photogenic enough to sell posters and magazines to teenage girls. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Simon Cowell to overhaul X Factor format after unattractive older woman wins

Filed under News

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

by | December 16, 2013 · 2:00 pm

‘But he doesn’t have a personality’ say people with no personality

More like 'no personality'! Eh? Eh? I'm right aren't I?

More like ‘no personality’! Eh? Eh? I’m right aren’t I?

With Andy Murray named as BBC Sports Personality of the Year for 2013, people incapable of thinking for themselves have been busy repeating a ‘joke’ about him not having a personality.

“It’s called Sports Personality of the Year right? Personality, right? So how can Andy Murray win when he doesn’t have a personality??!” said James Luck, an office worker from Northampton, while grinning like he’d just invented comedy. Continue reading →

Comments Off on ‘But he doesn’t have a personality’ say people with no personality

Filed under News, Sport

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | December 7, 2013 · 2:00 pm

World’s greatest minds baffled by perfume ad

Maybe it smells of burning feathers

Maybe it smells of burning feathers

Some of the world’s brightest minds have failed in an attempt to find any meaning in a TV perfume advert, or make any kind of logical connection between the events happening on screen and the product being advertised.

The advert, for a new fragrance from Jean-Paul Gaultier called ‘J’, sees a scantily clad woman get out of bed and walk over to an open window, then turn into a bird and fly out of it before bursting into flames. The camera then pans out to reveal that that the flame is a reflection in the eye of a moody-looking man sat on a motorbike wearing a leather jacket, heavy stubble and several kilos of hair gel. Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under News

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | · 10:00 am

Harry Styles releases new autobiography “What I’ve done since last Thursday”

Sorry, wrong book. It's difficult to keep up.

Sorry, wrong book. It’s difficult to keep up.

One Direction singer, Harry Styles, has today released his 23rd autobiography since finding fame on the X Factor five years ago. “What I’ve done since last Thursday” promises to be the most revealing book since his last one, which was released two weeks earlier.

“This is me, by me, in my own words. Well, somebody else’s words, I didn’t actually do the writing. But I told him stuff and I fully endorse it and will be getting most of the money from it.” confirmed Styles, “This book lets people have a real insight into my world over the last week, and reveals things like why I chose what I did for dinner on Friday.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Harry Styles releases new autobiography “What I’ve done since last Thursday”

Filed under News

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | December 5, 2013 · 3:00 pm

John Lewis find “George, 42” who wrote letter apologising for breaking economy

Promised £2, delivered 2p. Typical

Promised £2, delivered 2p. Typical

Department store John Lewis has made contact with the parents of a forty two-year-old man who had written a letter of apology after he broke the UK economy.

The man, who signed his name simply as George, inexplicably sent the letter to the John Lewis store in Cambridge after he accidentally broke the economy while serving as Chancellor of the Exchequer. Continue reading →

Comments Off on John Lewis find “George, 42” who wrote letter apologising for breaking economy

Filed under News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

by | December 4, 2013 · 2:30 pm

People still mistaking Katie Hopkins’ opinions for news

The latest fuss surrounding self-promoting rent-a-gob, Katie Hopkins, suggests that many people in the media and the public in general are still under the misguided impression that her contrived, deliberately controversial opinions are somehow newsworthy.

More than 38,000 people have signed a petition to have Hopkins banned from the media in the wake of her comments about Scotland, completely missing the point that in doing so they are giving her exactly the publicity she craves. Continue reading →

Comments Off on People still mistaking Katie Hopkins’ opinions for news

Filed under News, Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | December 3, 2013 · 7:00 am

Tesco “giant catapult” delivery system will rival Amazon drones

tesco flinger

Device can also be used to destroy local businesses.

Tesco have responded to Amazon’s announcement that they are looking to use unmanned drones to make deliveries by revealing their own new delivery system, a series of giant catapults.

“Amazon’s plans to use unmanned drones need so much to fall their way that this is clearly just a publicity stunt.” said Philip Clarke, CEO of Tesco plc, “They are targeting 2018 for their ‘drone deliveries’ but for that to happen not only do they need significant changes in legislation, they also need huge progress in the technology involved. The technology behind our giant catapult system has been around for centuries, and as far as I know there are no laws against launching groceries through the air.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Tesco “giant catapult” delivery system will rival Amazon drones

Filed under News

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , ,

by | November 30, 2013 · 10:00 am

Mike Riley to spend rest of life on phone apologising for refereeing decisions

See this Mike? Get used to it, because you'll be spending a lot of time together

See this Mike? Get used to it, because you’ll be spending a lot of time together

After apologising to both West Brom and Sunderland for decisions that have gone against them in recent weeks, referee’s chief Mike Riley is now resigned to spending the majority of the rest of his life on the phone apologising to people.

West Brom manager, Steve Clarke, revealed that he had received a phone call from Riley apologising for the controversial penalty that cost his side a win at Stamford Bridge recently. Next on Riley’s list was Sunderland boss, Gus Poyet, who got a call to discuss Wes Brown’s wrongful dismissal last weekend. With the current standard of refereeing, and another round of Premier League fixtures coming up, Riley has been shopping around for a new deal on his mobile contract in anticipation of spending a lot of time on the phone. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Mike Riley to spend rest of life on phone apologising for refereeing decisions

Filed under News, Sport

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

by | November 15, 2013 · 2:00 pm

“Sorry you’re leaving” card still circulating office months after man retires

Didn't even care enough to get him unwanted gift vouchers

Didn’t even care enough to get him unwanted gift vouchers

A card that was supposed to be presented as a retirement gift has been found still being passed around an office eighteen months after the intended recipient retired and left the company.

John Mills retired from the accounts department of a stationery supplies company in Dunstable in May 2012, after working there for over forty years. A card and collection was passed around the office in the weeks leading up to his retirement, but due to nobody really knowing who was responsible for starting this it is still circulating today. Continue reading →

Comments Off on “Sorry you’re leaving” card still circulating office months after man retires

Filed under News

Tagged as , , , ,

by | November 14, 2013 · 12:30 pm

Long range weather forecaster predicts flurry of publicity/apocalypse

Even Geordies will need a coat

Even Geordies will need a coat

A long range weather forecaster working for a service that most of the population have never heard of has predicted a flurry of publicity for him and his company, after forecasting that the upcoming winter will be “worse than the last ice age”.

James Madden, of Exacta Weather, has a proud track record of accurately predicting the weather before it happens. Just last week, after several days of solid rain, he forecasted that it would “probably rain again tomorrow” and was then proved to be 100% correct the next day. It is this incredible accuracy that has sparked a panic among many people. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Long range weather forecaster predicts flurry of publicity/apocalypse

Filed under News

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | November 1, 2013 · 1:30 pm

Surviving the wine shortage: a tramp’s guide

Mr Horse

Mr Horse

Recent news of a global wine shortage has caused a panic among the general population, with supermarkets reporting panic-buying of Blue Nun and cross-channel ferries to France fully booked with people desperately trying to stock up to beat the crisis.

But it doesn’t have to be like this. There are other ways to escape the crushing reality of your daily life without wine, and you don’t even have to resort to hallucinogenic drugs. A number of other alcoholic drinks, which are not in short supply, will complement your meals just as well as your favourite wine, and give you that same warm, fuzzy glow that helps you to forget how awful your job is. Harold’s favourite tramp, John Horse, takes you through some of the alternatives: Continue reading →

Comments Off on Surviving the wine shortage: a tramp’s guide

Filed under Lifestyle, News

Tagged as , , , , , ,