London’s airspace has been closed following a power outage at Swanick air traffic control centre. Luckily, Boris Johnson is offering ‘plane replacement’ Boris Bikes.
“It is hard for passengers stranded at Heathrow, Gatwick and City airports,” the Mayor of London bumbled.
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After his critically acclaimed first series which saw record-breaking global viewing figures, a South African judge has granted Gerrie Nel a second series.
Mr Nel, who plays his namesake Prosecutor ‘Bulldog’ Nel, shot to fame in ‘Gerrie Nel and the Pistorius trial’ in which he stunned audiences cross-examining Oscar Pistorius for four days trying to determine the exact location of a fan.
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After a Tory MP was pictured playing Candy Crush during a commons committee hearing, Nick Clegg has been caught out playing the childish game of ‘grown-ups’ during important cabinet meetings.
The Lib Dem leader has regularly been seen picking out a suit from the Number 10 dressing up box and trying to join in big person conversations, although the response from the other members of the coalition has often been frosty at best.
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December 8, 2014 · 2:04 pm
Ukip have come under increasing pressure to stop getting their tit out in public. After offering its opinions on a wide range of issues from immigration to breastfeeding, critics have said although they respect the right of the party to get their tit out in public, many people find it ’embarrassing’ and occasionally ‘offensive’.
Defending their stance, a campaigner for public decency said: “We understand that sometimes they have to get him out, and that is often dictated by nature.
“For example, when there a foreigner that he’s not married to to have a go at or there’s the scent of a rather nice ale in the air.
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December 6, 2014 · 7:45 am
Figures released today show net immigration has risen as tens of thousands of foreigners come to the to visit the country’s newest tourist attraction, UKIP and Nigel Farage.
Historically the UK has been an attractive prospect for those wishing to move around the globe because of its history, culture and life prospects.
But a recent survey shows modern day immigrants come to our shores in the hope they may meet an actual Ukipper, or even Nigel Farage himself, leaving his party in a ironic black hole that has baffled even the brightest of scientists.
In a bid to repair the damage to Ed Miliband’s reputation following his grilling by a singing competition winner, his PR team lined an easy interview that should have been almost impossible to cock up with the Cookie Monster.
Although he repeats the same phrase and has a famous inability to string a sentence together, Miliband’s team didn’t think it would hold him back against the Sesame Street character.
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Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics
Blatter announces which bid won the 2022 World Cup
Fifa have hit back at allegations that the bid for the Qatar World Cup may have been corrupt by releasing a report into the matter, which may be corrupt.
The report, which cleared Fifa, Russia, Qatar and anyone else with oil of any wrong doing, has since been criticised by the man who did the investigation.
The initial allegations came after Fifa voted to give a summer sporting event that gives people the chance to watch a game and have a beer in an environment that Fifa promotes as tolerant to all people, to a country that is like an oven in the summer, forbids alcohol, and gets a bit ‘stoney’ towards homosexuals and women. Continue reading
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Concerns over bankers’ bonuses were quickly quashed this morning as all of the five banks reassured customers the people responsible for huge fines for interest rate rigging would still be generously rewarded.
The collective fine of £2bn saw the public concerned that the often bashed bankers may have to forgo multi-million pound bonuses, but as Ross McEwan, Chief Executive of publicly owned RBS explained they have been punished enough.
Bob Geldof has announced that there is to be a fourth incarnation of Band Aid to highlight the 30th anniversary of Africans not knowing it’s Christmas.
“You would have thought they’d have got the message by now,” Geldof said, “but after millions of pounds, four songs, countless concerts and 30 years of Celebrities desperately trying to raise their profile, they still spend the 25th December walking 8 miles to get water instead of watching the Queen’s Christmas message.”
The UK’s first e-cigarette TV advert to show vaping will air tonight staring this year’s star of the John Lewis Christmas campaign, Monty the Penguin.
To be shown after the watershed, the advert will show a stressed out penguin vaping for the first time on TV.
“Over 10 million YouTube hits has taken its toll,” Monty said, “and I found it hard to cope with the new found fame.
“Add living in an unnatural environment for a penguin and a forced marriage into the mix and it’s amazing I’m only on e-cigs and haven’t p-p-p-p-picked up a vodka.”
Balls, Burnham and Cooper react to Ed’s assurances he won’t step down
Yvette Cooper and Andy Burnham have strenuously denied having a meeting to discuss plans to make Labour win the next election.
The meeting between the two was to discuss the possibility of Ed Miliband launching his best policy to date, his resignation.
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November 7, 2014 · 9:09 am
Following in the footsteps of Jordan Axani, the Canadian man who is giving away his ex-girlfriend’s round-the-world plane ticket to anyone sharing her name, Sir Richard Branson has announced he is giving away his ticket on the first Virgin Galactic space flight to anyone called Sir Richard Branson.
His decision to give away the ticket comes days after his relationship with space travel hit a rocky patch for what he calls “self-preservation reasons”.
“I love the thought of being one of the first people to travel on a commercial space flight, but the more I think about it the more I realise I love myself more” the bearded knight explained.
Theresa May’s attempts to organise a piss up in a brewery has entered its four year, but still looks some way off actually happening.
The piss up was supposed to celebrate her party’s election success in 2010. “I didn’t want anything too complicated, just a few drinks in a place where drink would be readily available,” the prime minister explained.
However the apparently simple task got off to a bad start when May appointed Gordon Brown to arrange the party.
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No amount of gloves and nearby buckets could make this sparkler safe to handle
Harold council has announced the cancellation of the annual fireworks display following the display organiser, NASA, suffering from some pre-event technical issues.
Nasa had agreed to set off some rockets in the village on bonfire night, however the council decided after watching their latest effort that the event shouldn’t go ahead on health and safety grounds.
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In a British tradition that dates back to the very early days of travelling, after finally leaving Camp Bastion following 13 years of war in Afghanistan, British troops had to make an embarrassing u-turn and go back to the base to check they hadn’t left the gas on.
Everything had gone according to plan with a flag lowering ceremony attended by dignitaries in front of the world’s media, and then the last troops leaving the base in an operation involving 17 waves of helicopters and planes departing marking the end of our presence in the country.
However on the plane home someone asked the question ‘did you turn the gas off?’
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Britain First leaders organising their now famous ‘library invasions’
Far-right Facebook picture sharers Britain First have called on their supporters to boycott reading after some words were written about them that were critical and questioned their practices.
The group, which is a splinter group of the BNP set up by disgruntled party members, made the call to action following their boycott of The Sun for criticising their use of Lynda Bellingham’s death to garner support and on the Daily Mail for being too socialist and left wing.
With London house prices getting beyond the reach of ordinary people, and affordable properties getting smaller and smaller, one developer has started putting a new range of properties on the market.
Modelled on a snail’s shell, the developer says their new ‘All-In-One Portable Studio Apartment’, named the Escar-Go, has everything a young aspiring professional could need and the homes fit in well with the environment, providing you spend the night in other people’s gardens.
Following in the footsteps of his wife, Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Philip has sent and almost immediately deleted his first tweet.
Tweeting under the user name @Imnotracistbut, the Prince Philip dedicated his first 140 characters to insulting at least four races.
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David Cameron is to address the EU today to remind them that in Britain just because you are a top earner doesn’t mean you should contribute more.
The prime minister is making the speech in reaction to the EU’s insistence that owing to Britain’s economy earning more than forecast, it should have to pay the same percentage contribution on the higher amount in.
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DJ Mike Read has withdrawn his best-selling UKIP Calypso song after recognising it was unlikely to win an award at tonight’s Music Of Black Origin (MOBO) awards.
The song is designed to highlight UKIP’s policies whilst dispelling the accusation that they are in any way racist.
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