Author Archives: dvo

by | March 13, 2014 · 2:07 pm

Harold Dog Rescue needs more dogs. Can you help?

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Luckily, Rose Lee had 40 surplus dogs available

Fairly popular local animal charity, Harold Dog Rescue, is appealing for urgent financial help, following a break-in over last weekend.

“When I woke up on Monday morning, I was horrified to find that all forty dogs had been nicked” said centre manager Alison Lee, who was only appointed last month. “The very worst thing is that our well-meaning elderly and retired volunteers now have nothing to do. So as an emergency measure, we decided to buy in some new stock.”

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by | March 8, 2014 · 4:02 pm

Dyson solves yet another problem you didn’t know you had

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Getting your suitcase may take a while

Inventor James Dyson, who winters in Harold, has outlined the genesis of his latest ‘WTF is that?’ product.

“When I  got the Christmas lights down from the loft, the ladder was really cold.  Some dolt had only gone and stuffed loads of fibreglass wool above the bedroom ceilings, blocking  heat from downstairs! So  I whacked two 15 kilowatt radiators into the loft for a quick-fix.”

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by | March 5, 2014 · 11:01 am

‘Help for Zeroes’ charity launched

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Maybe this is a bit of a giveaway to photographers looking for a story

The Ministry of Defence is supporting a new charity to help those ministers and senior civil servants who have difficulty walking in public without displaying papers to the cameras of waiting journalists.

‘Help for Zeroes’ was named in recognition of the lowest number of active brain cells held by an idiot leaving a  briefing session in Downing Street, carrying Top Secret documents face-outwards. Continue reading →

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by | February 28, 2014 · 7:00 am

GCHQ now has UK’s largest home-porn stash

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Pussy webcam ‘a bit of a disappointment’

GCHQ was inundated with ‘freedom of information’ applications from perverts yesterday, following revelations that it stole millions of intimate webcam images.

However, GCHQ dismissed claims that it’s engaged in invasion of privacy and thievery.

“What the Guardian reader types don’t realise” said a spokesperson “is that it is only our constant benign vigilance that protects them from constant malign invasion of privacy and thievery. I’m sure that will now be reflected in journalists’ reports.” adding “We know where they live, the colour of their bedroom wallpaper, and the size and shape of their tattoos.”

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by | February 18, 2014 · 6:00 pm

Ed Balls welcomes latest inflation figures

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“Oh bollocks. What do I say now?”

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by | February 12, 2014 · 7:02 am

Floods: ‘a great income-stream’ for river charity

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An elite River-Warden delivers an urgent bill for overdue mooring fees on this detached house

Flooded-out residents of usually sleepy Oxfordshire town Henley-on-Thames  have received unexpected demands for mooring fees from the Canal & River Trust. “At first I thought this was just some cruel practical joke” said Deputy Mayor Jarvis Marten, whose mostly-submerged dormer bungalow is more often a good two streets away from the Thames, “but sadly not.”

Canal and River Trust  took over care of 2000 miles of historic waterways in 2012, when  stick-in-the-mud British Waterways with  its rather old-fashioned  values ceased to exist. Robert Pearce, the Trust’s Chief Executive explained the rationale for sending out invoices to house-owners.“Trustees of any registered charity have a legal duty to maximise their charity’s income, so when we spotted this potential income-stream we were on it like bankers on a bonus bond. Continue reading →

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by | February 10, 2014 · 11:00 am

Iain Duncan Smith gives ‘I’ll personally Taser the bedridden’ promise

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At this range a good quality taser will get them up on their feet and dancing

Workers who are sick and off work for more than four weeks will soon get  government sanctioned advice, to help them get back to the workplace. The Health and Work Service’s default advice will be ‘get back to work you idle sod or you’ll regret it’, although the new   government-funded agency will also offer non-compulsory amateur medical assessments and d.i.y. treatment plans.

Duncan Smith believes a much-needed economic stimulus would be provided if the bedridden could be genitally-tasered and has personally volunteered to pull as many triggers as possible. Continue reading →

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by | February 6, 2014 · 10:57 am

Olympics shock: ‘Mo Farah may never win another medal’

Mo Farah celebrates winning the men's 5,000m final at the European Championships in Helsinki in June

Please don’t try this at home. Or in Rio. Please.

Plans to rationalise Olympic judging will see many of this month’s winter games’ scoring systems being adopted at the proper Olympics in Rio 2016. “Here in Sochi, how good you look is at least  as important as the more workaday factors such as speed and distance.” says IOC President Thomas Bach “I’m not sure about girth though, let me get back to you on that”.

“Ski jumping for instance is assessed on ‘style’ during take-off, flight and landing, plus a small proportion of marks allocated for distance actually travelled.” Continue reading →

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by | February 3, 2014 · 6:56 am

IDS: “will squeeze benefits spongers”

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‘Disabled claimants could work from home’ : IDS

Under COBRA emergency powers, Ian Duncan Smith will soon deploy benefit claimants in the battle against rising flood levels. “The Prime Minister asked me to try to sink the unsinkable” the charismatic Work & Pensions Secretary announced today “and my next logical move is to use claimants’ innate spongy-ness for the public’s good”. 

Starting next week, long-term benefit claimants will lie down in flooded areas, sop up moisture until they are fully saturated, then go home to dry off overnight. “Research has shown that poor people don’t move very much anyway,” says IDS “nearly 40% of them are inactive, exercising less than 30 minutes a week. This way, they’ll simply exchange a stained sofa for a soggy field contaminated with sewage. In practice they’ll find very little difference”. Continue reading →

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by | January 27, 2014 · 1:24 pm

‘Unfair criticism drove me to tears’ sobs Ofsted chief

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Wilshire now routinely wears a heavy disguise to reduce his unpopularity

Teachers’ leaders expressed support today for Sir Michael Wilshire, the embattled boss of Ofsted. Wilshire has recently been briefed against by zealous acolytes of pasty-faced Secretary of State for Education, Michael Gove.

“It’s not like criticising someone relentlessly is going to make them do a better job, is it?”  Wilshire had demanded tearfully of a clearly embarrassed BBC interviewer Bill Turnbull on this morning’s ‘Breakfast’ show “Where’s the fairness in that?” he snuffled from behind a hankie “Everyone will think I’m a clown”. Continue reading →

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by | January 26, 2014 · 9:05 am

Lib Dem perverts: ‘still plenty in stock’

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Right, now for my ‘shocked’ and ‘concerned’ face. What do you think?

Lib Dem Party leaders have denied  persistent rumours in the Westminster Village that they have  a rogue  MP who is not a serial groper.

Nick Clegg asserts he was quick to respond. “As soon as I heard of these appalling allegations against a backbench MP, I paused to reflect for about three years and then acted immediately. How did I act? Well, I acted ‘shocked’, with eyebrows raised, like this …and acted ‘concerned’, with a frown, like this. It’s not an easy look. Go on, you try it. See?” Continue reading →

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by | January 21, 2014 · 3:50 pm

Gove rolls out ‘Teach First’ on-the-job training to Pilots

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Landing gear down. Now where’s that runway?

The Teach First initiative, currently being documented in BBC3′ ‘Tough Young Teachers’, is now offering franchises in other disciplines including Flying Big Airplanes and Open-heart Surgery (beginners). The underpinning principle of Teach First is that top graduates can be fast-tracked into front-line teaching on the back of six weeks training. Michael Gove is a keen supporter of the scheme, reasoning that as his own career was built on a short ‘Teach Yourself Journalism’ correspondence course, learning how to teach children must be a doddle.

“A big advantage of this nice cheap set-up” says Gove “is that Trainees learn just enough to pick up some flashy headline-grabbing tricks – but not quite enough to realise how little they actually know. It’s a very fine line for our Trainers to walk and of course they’ve had lengthy training for their role”. Continue reading →

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by | January 14, 2014 · 7:00 am

Tories call for UK to ‘reposition away from Europe’

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Plan will also make The North more prosperous.

Nearly 100 Tory  MPs have written to David Cameron asking for the UK to be repositioned in relation to Europe. Provisional thinking is for the UK as a whole to be moved 100 – 150  miles North-West into the Atlantic.

“The exact distance is subject to trial and error of course ” said Senior Tory Bernard Jenkin, who drafted the letter,”much the same as our financial plans for when we leave the EU. So, let’s say … far enough that we can’t smell the garlic, close enough they can hear xenophobic hectoring with a loud-hailer. Perhaps about 100 miles as a starting point. As a bonus we can use what’s left of the Tunnel to drain all our excess rainwater over to France. It’s probably their fault that it’s been so wet recently anyway.” Continue reading →

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by | January 13, 2014 · 7:00 am

Army running out of mugs

Hammond makes do with a paper cup. Again

Hammond makes do with a paper cup. Again

Philip Hammond has admitted to confusion over the Ministry of Defence’s continual need to refresh its stock of brave idiots.

“What happens is this,” explained Hammond who, when in front of a drab background, has to jump around in order to be seen. “I make loads of soldiers redundant and then, for some reason, I have less soldiers than I need.”Sure, at Oxford I read philosophy and so sums aren’t my strong suit but even allowing for that, I’ll be honest with you, it’s a conundrum”.

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by | January 6, 2014 · 11:00 am

Football Legend ‘sort-of’ remembered by those who didn’t know him

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Italy’s ‘Black Pearl’ played for Chelsea United for many years

Next Saturday, Harold Thursday will pay its own unique tribute to footballing legend Eusébio da Silva Ferreira, known to soccer fans worldwide simply as ‘Silva’, who died over the weekend.  Club Chairman, William ‘Supermack’ McKean explained “As soon as a few spectators arrive, there will be a ten minute rolling silence; except at the refreshment counter, which will be kept open as a mark of respect. We’ve got mince pies on two-for-one. Or three-for-two, if they’re still before the sell-by date.” Continue reading →

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by | December 30, 2013 · 5:00 pm

The future’s bright, the future’s orange

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From here it all looks blue and white

After stalling over the central issue of tie colour, talks aimed at solving some of Northern Ireland’s most contentious issues have re-started The five main parties will discuss parades, flags, dealing with the past and the colour of ties.

Talks chairman, former US diplomat Dr Richard Haass, is back in Belfast “for one final effort to help these clowns reach agreement.” Continue reading →

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by | December 13, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Minister tells stressed mental health workers to ‘cheer up’

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He’s fine. Probably just needs a tickle.

With the Royal College of Psychiatrists claiming mental health services are ‘near breaking point’, Care Minister Norman Lamb has insisted that they ‘try and cheer up’.

“The trouble with the bloody psychiatrists is that for them, the glass is always half empty, whereas in reality it’s almost a third full. Well, maybe a quarter. Certainly not very much less than a quarter, that’s for sure. They should just get a grip and snap out of it.”
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by | December 8, 2013 · 9:08 pm

Derek Acorah crash ‘blamed on spirits’

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Psychic is now considering an Acorah NSX.

Self-confessed TV psychic Derek Acorah has been charged with careless driving and failing to provide a breath specimen, after crashing half a mile from Harold’s popular Squirrel Lickers Arms.

Acorah was arrested at the scene by PC Anita Flegg who had followed the celebrity after he left the Squirrel Lickers’ monthly Frog Sandwich & Pernod Absinthe night.

According to an onlooker at the scene, Acorah asked Flegg if they’d met previously, before announcing ‘I’m getting something… it’s the driver of a Ford Ka… He says ‘iiiit waaas aaaaalll myyy faaaault, you caaaan let Mister Acorah goooo’. “Then the bloke from the ambulance announced that he wasn’t dead, just concussed”, explained Acorah. “There’s always one in the audience who plays up.”
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by | November 25, 2013 · 1:40 pm

Osborne introduces a cap on research into payday lenders

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The government is to introduce a new law to cap the growth of evidence supporting a cap on the cost of payday loans.

The Treasury says there is “growing evidence” that “growing evidence in support of the move” might adversely affect the reputations and profits of payday loan companies.

Speaking to the BBC, Chancellor George Osborne said there would be controls on the amount of research into payday loan charges, including arrangement and penalty fees and interest rates.
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by | November 24, 2013 · 2:00 pm

G4S ‘at least as trustworthy as me’ claims minister

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Grayling only lies when his fingers are crossed

G4S, ‘the serial offenders co’, has offered to repay the Ministry of Justice £24.1m, after admitting the way it charged for tagging offenders was ‘not appropriate’.

Fortunately for G4S, its internal review found this wasn’t the result of dishonesty. Rather, it had wrongly thought it could claim for tagging people who were dead or in prison. Or both.

“We had a result over Olympic staffing with only 3% of the contract performance related” said a corporate oaf. “Ripping off government is a victimless crime, it’s not like dead prisoners are moaning.”
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