Ronaldo gives instructions to his accountants
After announcing that Jose Mourinho and Cristiano Ronaldo are being investigated for tax fraud, embarrassed Spanish officials have admitted that nobody in the country has actually paid any tax since 2010.
“We thought that we were a bit light on cash lately and when we dug into it we discovered that is because we haven’t collected any taxes at all in seven years, so we are now setting about rectifying this.” said a prosecutor, who reckons he hasn’t paid any tax himself since at least 2008 now he comes to think about it.
“It is an easy mistake to make. For example Continue reading
“That is an unfortunate political decision.”
Any drug that has a psychoactive effect and dangerously low tax levels will be illegal to make or sell in the UK as of today.
The move comes soon after a shop selling so-called ‘legal highs’ in Rotherham was closed down by police investigating accusations that the only tax revenue being raised was from VAT. Continue reading
These graphs mean we know what we’re talking about
We don’t have the technical capability for fancy graphics and menus and stuff like that, so in order to explain what the new budget means for you we can’t have you clicking through options.
But we have found another way to achieve the same end result.
Think whether you are married, have children, own a business, all of those type of things that ‘proper’ news sources like the BBC would ask you. Get a really clear idea in your head of your particular circumstances, then read the below statement that will miraculously confirm exactly what the budget means for you. Continue reading
No hands on the wheel!
After months of testing, tax-avoiding giant Google has launched the first fully-driverless government, in which all the difficult decisions are taken out of the hands of error-prone politicians.
For the first time, actions usually associated with running a country will instead be remotely controlled by Google, meaning a huge reduction in errors such as trying to claim unpaid corporation tax.
“Even the best politician is liable to make mistakes,” explained a Google spokesperson. “And in the worst cases, these errors can result in significant damage to our profits.”
“Now with the driverless government, all the decision making can be left to us, safe in the knowledge that we know what’s best. For us.”
Corbyn holds up an invisible dachshund.
Pundits have noted that Jeremy Corbyn failed to rule out a punitive dog tax during his keynote conference speech.
A dog tax, which would unfairly hit owners of dogs, is likely to be very unpopular amongst the dog owning community.
Throughout his time as prime minister, David Cameron has never once raised the prospect of punishing those with canine assets, although it wasn’t specifically ruled out in the Tory manifesto.
Bono enjoying a quiet moment of smug
Many more Syrian refugees could be rehomed if Western governments introduced a system where citizens were forced to pay a portion of their income into a nationally administered central pot, according to Irish singer, activist, and thinker Bono.
“Refugees, hospitals, and schools, you name it, we could pay for it all if only the UK and other Western governments introduced a compulsory system to take money from its people” said Bono smugly.
France hasn’t bought Nigel so much as a drink.
Nigel Farage has unveiled his party’s economic policy, and within it, plans to make the French pay our taxes.
In a move which would shift the financial burden from working class, middle class and upper class Brits, UKIP will instead tax someone else entirely.
“I’m sure we’ve all heard of the French”, said Farage. “And what the people on the streets are telling me, is that a lot of the French aren’t currently paying any tax at all in the UK.”
“They’re just idling away in their own country, and refusing to fill in British tax returns. That’s typical of them, and so many others in Federal Europe.”
David Cameron is to address the EU today to remind them that in Britain just because you are a top earner doesn’t mean you should contribute more.
The prime minister is making the speech in reaction to the EU’s insistence that owing to Britain’s economy earning more than forecast, it should have to pay the same percentage contribution on the higher amount in.
Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs have announced the are to apply for charitable status in an attempt to get “celebrities” to pay some contribution towards society.
The move comes as Gary Barlow joins Jimmy Carr and Chris Moyles to be threatened with the naughty step over their dubious tax affairs.
Lin Homer, chief executive of HMRC explained: “Trying to get these wealthy people to pay their fair share is impossible. We’re sure it’s because you don’t get any publicity for filling in a self assessment form.
Tesco have this morning announced a 6% fall in annual profits. They have explained to shareholders that the only reason for the fall is they have spent the last 12 months using the actual ingredients printed on packets.
“A year on from ‘lasagne-gate’ we are now required to use real beef in beef products, not the latest casualty of the 3:15 at Ascot,” said Philip Clarke, Tesco PLC’s Chief Executive.
“But that’s not all. Customers expectation are much higher than in previous years so all of our range has become more truthful, and that costs money. Continue reading
Filed under Business, News
The irony of collecting tax in a Starbucks cup was lost on this tax collector
Corporation tax has long been a contentious issue politically, with HMRC doing their best to get multi-national companies to pay the correct levels of tax owed. These tactics have ranged from taking company directors out to dinner to the more drastic action of asking them really nicely.
Now HMRC have announced they are to try a new approach to collecting the millions of pounds owed to the public purse; begging.
Moments later, Hodge wrestled a CEO to the floor and ate their face.
Margaret Hodge has been accused of discouraging investment in the UK by the sort of greedy, psycopathic companies that would otherwise be drawn to our unique taxation loop holes.
An anonymous source has claimed that Hodge’s obsession with legality and fairness is completely at odds with the ambitions of many of the globe’s most successful rampaging monsters.
“There’s an unspoken rule about how we deal with ruthless monopolies looking to relocate here”, said a spokesman from the treasury. “If they don’t say out loud how much they’re making, then we don’t have to tax them. Hodge is being very unfair when she points out that this is catastrophically unjust. She risks them moving abroad, and not paying any tax there either.”
Labour’s shadow education secretary Tristram Hunt, has announced a Labour government would reintroduce plans for a ‘teacher MOT’ but also go one step further and make it mandatory for them to also pay for and display a tax disc and hold valid insurance.
“The MOT will take place every 5 years and would look at a teacher’s ability to engage a class, their ability to educate children , and an emissions test” Mr Hunt explained.
“Health and Safety officers have also asked us to check the tread depth of their shoes and make sure levels of caffeine are being kept topped up.
Perhaps we got the wrong address.
A ‘missing persons’ alert has been issued after it was revealed that no-one had heard from Vodafone customer services for over a month.
Confused, vulnerable and ostensibly deaf, Vodafone customer services is thought to be ‘at considerable risk’ of making anyone they may meet ‘frustrated, desperate and dangerously angry’.
According to investigating officer PC Flegg, ‘it’s not hard to imagine even Gandhi flipping out and stoving their head in with his sandal. We think they may have an extreme personality disorder, which compels them to ignore other people for as long as the money rolls in.’
The alarm was first raised when neighbours noticed there was a lot of milk bottles left on the step, and most of them had rolled-up notes stuck in the top.
‘I read a few’, revealed Flegg. ‘They mostly said things like ‘twats’, ‘bell-ends’ and ‘grrrr’. It’s almost as if people are trying to communicate without being able to resort to their phones.’
Food & Drink with Miles Anour
Can I get an dry extra arid foamy cappuccino?
Like many other people, my day always starts with a cup of coffee. Admittedly I start my day several hours later than most people, but that’s due to the heavy research that a professional writer, like what I am, has to undertake.
So there I am, standing in the queue trying to reconstruct the hazy segments of the previous evening when I hear the following grating order from a customer.
“Could I get a grande dry cappuccino?”
I have BIG ISSUES with this seemingly simple request. First, what goes the customer mean by the phrase ‘could I get’. Does he wish to serve himself? Make the barista redundant, perhaps? Surely he either means ‘Could I have?’ or ‘Could you get?’ Continue reading
‘Searching’ for the truth.
Just doing a bit of research into the hearing of the common select committee on tax avoidance, and got this.
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