A ‘missing persons’ alert has been issued after it was revealed that no-one had heard from Vodafone customer services for over a month.
Confused, vulnerable and ostensibly deaf, Vodafone customer services is thought to be ‘at considerable risk’ of making anyone they may meet ‘frustrated, desperate and dangerously angry’.
According to investigating officer PC Flegg, ‘it’s not hard to imagine even Gandhi flipping out and stoving their head in with his sandal. We think they may have an extreme personality disorder, which compels them to ignore other people for as long as the money rolls in.’
The alarm was first raised when neighbours noticed there was a lot of milk bottles left on the step, and most of them had rolled-up notes stuck in the top.
‘I read a few’, revealed Flegg. ‘They mostly said things like ‘twats’, ‘bell-ends’ and ‘grrrr’. It’s almost as if people are trying to communicate without being able to resort to their phones.’
PC Flegg has emailed a locksmith, who has promised to check on Vodafone customer services within ’24 to 48 hours’.
‘The could be trapped under something heavy, eaten by cats or paralysed with painful incompetence’, said Flegg. ‘Those are just some of the things the gathering crowd has wished on them so far. I’m pretty sure they’re in there but they’re making no attempt to answer. Oh wait, did their curtains just twitch?’
The last communication from Vodafone customer services was a warm bag of sick sent to everyone in their address book, a move that didn’t actually make them any less popular.
‘They seem to have spewed the same tummy rubbish in everyone’s direction’, said Flegg. ‘There was a lot of it, they must have a really high churn rate.’
PC Flegg is now hoping that Vodafone customer services has slipped into a coma, so she can give up on them and stop attempting to make contact.
However, information from a passer-by offered an alternative solution. ‘Is it Vodafone customer services you’re after? You’re wasting your time, they’re not in at the moment’, explained the pensioner.
‘They’ve gone abroad for tax reasons.’