Tag Archives: Scottish Independence

Brexiters oppose Scots having a vote on Scottish independence

“Another prick and a wall”

Brexiters believe the UK voting to leave the EU is nothing like Scotland voting to leave the UK.

“You simply can’t compare people wanting to regain sovereignty with other people wanting to regain their sovereignty. Any fool can see they’re not the same thing at all.” said Jacob Rees-Mogg Continue reading

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Theresa May promises to listen to Nicola Sturgeon before ignoring her

Britain's new Prime Minister Theresa May (L) is greet by Scotland's First Minister Nicola Sturgeon (R) as she arrives for talks at Bute House, in Edinburgh, on July 15, 2016. Theresa May visited Scotland for talks with the First Minister less than 48 hours after taking office as British prime minister. / AFP PHOTO / Lesley MartinLESLEY MARTIN/AFP/Getty Images

Sturgeon checks if May is a Freemason

Theresa May says she is “willing to listen to options” on Scotland’s relationship with the EU as long as Nicola Sturgeon understands she won’t actually be doing anything about it or changing her mind.

Indeed, so as to avoid any misunderstanding, the PM insisted that Sturgeon tick a box agreeing to May’s terms and conditions, before she’d let discussions begin.

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Astonishing! Queen tells Scots where to stuff Balmoral in accidentally released tirade

QueenThe Queen has made an astonishing attack on Scotland in a pre-recorded public broadcast only intended to be shown in the event of a ‘yes vote’ in favour of Scottish independence.

In the ten minute tirade the monarch slags off the Scots, their food, the weather and says how much she hates Balmoral Castle.

“The ungrateful people of Scotland have spoken and I am delighted that the power of the ballot box has meant that I never have to go to Scotland again,” she starts gently. “Frankly, I’ve never liked the place, the climate or the food.”

After a bitter complaint about the “god awful sound of bagpipes”, the Queen turns to her Scottish residence. Continue reading

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Voters should “think very carefully” says woman who’s never had to

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“I don’t care what you do. Just keep paying for me and mine.”

In a historical first for the House of Windsor the Queen has advocated the use of intellect. Yesterday she was asked for her opinion on the independence referendum and replied: “Well, I hope people will think very carefully about the future.” She then added “but as long as Bake Off gets another series One really doesn’t give one about anything else.” Continue reading

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Dumfries twinned with Calais as border security increased in case of Yes vote

DumContingency plans are well advanced on both sides of the border in readiness to respond to the inevitable rush of economic migrants from Scotland in the event of a “Yes” vote for independence.

With Gordon Brown’s initiative to save the Union doomed by definition of it being a Gordon Brown initiative, the Coalition Government is treating the possible invasion of hordes of insurgent Scots, once reality kicks in and they realise they have nothing to live on other than pride, porridge and potatoes, as a real threat to the Disunited Kingdom.

Realising that his, as yet unveiled, programme of ethnic cleansing may frighten off second generation Scots, Alex Salmond is said to be keen to maintain border security. Continue reading

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Thatcher rises from grave to help save Union

Ironically, it's the only Union she didn't try to break.

Ironically, it’s the only union she didn’t try to break.

In a dramatic (and slightly gruesome) turn of events, former UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has risen from the dead to wade into the battle to save the Union.

As polls show the pro-independence campaign taking the lead for the first time, Tory chiefs have made the momentous decision to deploy their ultimate weapon: the Thatchernator.

Using the dark arts of necromancy and voodoo, which many of the upper House are experienced practitioners of, Better Together leaders claim they had ‘no choice’ but to reanimate their dead leader.

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Andy Murray: “I can be just as miserable playing for an independent Scotland”

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“Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth…”

After declining to give an opinion on the referendum Andy Murray has finally acknowledged that if Scotland becomes independent then he will be just as gloomy playing tennis wearing a Saltire as he ever has been wearing a Union Flag. Continue reading

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In an independent Scotland it will always be winter but never Christmas, says Gordon Brown

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Glasgow city centre July 2015 if the Yes campaign prevails

Eerie reminder to be careful what you wish for; Gordon Brown has issued a dire warning aimed at those intending to vote for Scotland to become independent. Speaking at an event in support of the Better Together campaign the former Prime Minister announced that in an independent Scotland it will always be winter but never Christmas. He also claimed that inequality and poverty could “survive until doomsday”. Continue reading

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Alex Salmond to be replaced by womble for second Scottish independence debate

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Popular in his own right. No ice-bucket needed.

The second Scottish independence debate has this morning taken a bizarre turn with the Yes campaign revealing that they have benched Alex Salmond in favour of prominent womble Tobermory.

“Alex had a shocker in the first debate,” said his advisor Claire Howell. “Somehow he managed to fail in the very simple task of being less off-putting than Alistair Darling. So for tonight we’re pulling out the big guns and letting Tobermory fly the flag for independence.”

Tobermory is expected to centre his arguments on the basic right of being allowed to womble free and to point out that Scotland will be fine without England as it will make good use of the things that it finds, specifically billions of pounds worth of oil.

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Mrs Brown’s Boys used by Scottish referendum campaigners as a threat and a promise

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Do we want more of this or less? Less of it or more?

With less than a month to go until the independence referendum both sides are causing confusion by deploying BBC Scotland’s Mrs Brown’s Boys as their latest campaign weapon.

While the No side say that an independent Scotland would result in BBC Scotland being much smaller and having no money to produce shows such as Mrs Brown’s Boys and Waterloo Road the Yes side are saying exactly the same thing. Continue reading

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Alex Salmond insists ‘we’re keeping the Paul McCartney’

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Mr McCartney mulls the Kintyre.

Alex Salmond has responded to a letter signed by Mick Jagger and 200 other people you’ve heard of by insisting Scotland will keep the Paul McCartney.

With celebrities lining up to express an opinion on Scottish indepence from their tax havens, Alex Salmond revealed he had drugged Paul McCartney and now had him in his cellar.

“The Rolling Stones are smashing, I love the Rolling Stones”, said Salmond. “But at the same time I hate them and can’t wait to distance our proud nation from their Brown Sugar, Keith Richards and endearing lack of ability to maintain a basic rhythm.”
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Alex Salmond plans ‘Tartan Curtain’ to keep out the English

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Plan has been condemned by the Sporran Office.

Alex Salmond has revealed plans to use miles of unwanted ‘Commonwealth Games Tartan’ to build a defensive curtain around Scotland’s nether regions.

“When we gain independence, naturally we’ll want to strictly limit the number of our neighbours we let in”, roared Salmond. “And what better way to do that, than a wall of plaid from coast to coast?”

Salmond quickly dismissed suggestions that invaders might simply crawl underneath. “No Englishman would dare lift a tartan hem, for fear of what lies beneath”, he insisted.
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Tesco courts controversy with its Alex Salmond fillets (also comes smoked)

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Mmm, politics can be so delicious

First there was strawmurrays, a harmless renaming of strawberries as a gesture of support for Andy Murray during Wimbledon. Now, Tesco has made a controversial attempt to jump on the being twee with food names bandwagon by renaming its fresh and smoked salmon, Alex Salmond. Continue reading

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Wimbledon preparing for final outing of annual ‘Murray reverts to being Scottish after he loses’ joke

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Just give it time…

Wimbledon organisers are preparing for the end of an era this fortnight, as looming independence for Scotland has the unintended effect that everyone’s favourite joke about Andy Murray may not work any more.

The traditional “Andy Murray reverts to being Scottish” joke has been sighted every year since the plucky Scotsman first began losing at Wimbledon. The joke is a clever play on the fact that prior to losing, Murray is often referred to in the media as ‘British’, but after being defeated he is likely to be labelled ‘Scottish’, which is so amusing that pointing it out never gets tiresome.

It is traditional to wait several minutes after Murray is knocked out of Wimbledon before posting the joke on Facebook. Over the last few years, the joke has been ingeniously tweaked and subtly twisted to maintain its freshness, as seen in recent outings: “Murray reverts to being Scottish” (2012), “Murray reverts to being Scottish” (2011) and “Murray reverts to being Scottish” (2010). Continue reading

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New Scottish referendum poll: 67% say no to England but yes to Westeros

Still a better leader than David Cameron

Still a better leader than David Cameron

As the referendum gets closer a new poll has revealed a surprise swing in voter intention. A poll carried out for the Evening Harold by ICM shows that 67% of Scots are intending to vote for independence from England but would welcome joining Westeros as Eighth Kingdom.

“Scotland is small,” said one voter who was polled. “Once independent we will need allies and trade. It would also be nice to wear cloaks in the winter and not be laughed at.”
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New warning for Scotland: become independent and you’ll be responsible for Tony Blair

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You want to know where he got those scars? Sorry, wrong man. For some reason we were thinking about The Joker

With just four months until the referendum Scotland has been warned of a new consequence of independence: Tony Blair.

“The Yes campaigners are constantly bigging up famous and influential Scots,” said Better Together spokesperson Lydia Tanner. “Well, if Scotland becomes independent it will be responsible for arguably the most influential Scot of them all and must embrace Tony Blair as one of its own.” Continue reading

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“Scottish independence will bring Voldemort back” claims Lord Robertson

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Is this what you want, Scotland? Well, is it?

In a truly apocalyptic speech given in the United States former defence secretary and Nato chief Lord Robertson claimed that Voldemort would rise again if Scotland becomes independent. Citing “forces of darkness” and “cataclysmic” effects Lord Robertson warned that life as we know it would end if the union between England and Scotland is rent asunder. Continue reading

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England gets Scottish flag tattoo as a declaration of love for its northern neighbour

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If it all goes tits up then they can always have it changed into a no stopping sign or something

With just over six months to go until the independence referendum England has made a permanent declaration of love by getting a Saltire tattoo.

“This proves just how much I love Scotland,” said England. “But I had it done on the Yorkshire Dales so if I need to cover it up for work I can.”

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Needy England wishes Ireland a very happy St Patrick’s Day

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Ireland: Phwoar, look at the Causeway on that.

“You’re beautiful Ireland, you know that? You’re amazing with your, with your, with your hills and your Causeway and all the stuff. M’not just saying that because I’ve had a drink. But I have had a drink and I’ve had it for you! It’s your special day and I’m going to celebrate it sooo hard cos I love ya! I love ya. Continue reading

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Scots can’t leave UK and keep Buckfast Tonic Wine says Chancellor

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Hands off, Scotland. This is England’s precious.

Though only six days have passed since David Cameron attempted to love bomb Scotland into voting against independence in the forthcoming referendum saying he couldn’t bear to see the “the most extraordinary country in history” torn apart, the government has now ditched the nice approach and gone for the jugular saying that Buckfast Tonic Wine would not be exported to an independent Scotland. Continue reading

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