Primal lurker beyond time* and Cabinet Office minister Michael Gove has been praised for improving the physical health of screen staring, stress eating Brits on lockdown by streaming a daily afternoon workout that sets pulses rising. “Like many people since lockdown I’ve been at risk of turning into an endgame Henry VIII but without all the fun of having had six wives and a big argument with the Pope first,” said villager Cassie Fine. “But now I’m getting some much needed daily exercise all thanks to Michael Gove. One look and I’m on my feet running from the room to get away from his wet-lipped cascade of mendacity.” “My wife stays in front of the TV and really works her muscles gesturing in disbelief at almost every word he says but she’s always been hardcore. Back in the day she could hold plank position all the way through a David Cameron speech on why it was necessary to fuck the NHS rigid without even a shiver of disgust.” Rumours that another Downing Street workout series ‘Sprinting Away with Dominic Cummings’ will soon be launched remain persistent but unconfirmed.
*August Derleth by which we really mean the Wikipedia page on Cthulhu
Animals the world over are happier than a Boris Johnson with two dicks now that they’ve got the planet back. “It’s ace and skill,” said Manky Kevin, a spokesbadger for Harold’s mustelidae community. “With you lot out of the way us animals can do our thing without being hunted, run over or getting Attenboroughed. We love Sir David really but he’s a lot. Okay, occasionally it’s fun to do something spectacular for the camera but sometimes one just wants to be left alone to groom one’s jumble-giblets or contemplate the infinite over a week old chicken carcass one dragged out of a bin.” “We’re hearing that some of you don’t like being shut away and are getting bored, maybe even a bit distressed,” added his colleague, Furry Rita. “I’ll be sure to mention that to my friends in the zoo once I’ve stopped laughing.” “We’re going to be launching a change.org petition soon for all animals to sign calling for it to be made law that humans are kept in their homes forever,” she said. “We anticipate it’ll be a great success as soon as one of us learns how to type.”
89 different local government pension funds, that’s just over a hundred.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer has promised to bring tried-and-tested private sector pension-fiddling to the public sector.
Mr Osborne’s Conservative conference speech today was peppered with trademark off-the-cuff humorous quips and interrupted by literally seconds of applause, from up to a dozen of his audience at a time.
“I’ve found new ways to fund the British infrastructure.” he told a spellbound audience. “We’ve 89 different local government pension funds, that’s just over a hundred. Continue reading →
Martin Shkreli, boss of eye-watering price-hikers Turing Pharmaceuticals, says they’ll drop the price of Daraprim, which they acquired in August, after Aids patients got a bit too loudly.
“Look, they’re Aids patients – always whining about something. OK, if going from under £10 to almost £500 in a month was a bit sudden, we’ll drop it a little. We can crank it up again later. Because we’re shits.”
Doctors’ trade union, the BMA is confused by Jeremy Hunt’s call for a 7 day service “We expected Mr Hunt to take much longer to reduce the scope of the NHS” said BMA chair Dr Mark Porter today “but we’re hoping the 7 days are in the winter, excluding Christmas & New Year”.
Hunt is generally pleased with the number of doctors baling out of the NHS or retiring early but thinks there is more he can do. Continue reading →
The first Tory budget since 1996 aims for rich people to keep more of the cash they’ve got from poor people. “We’ve a lot of years to make up but it’s much much more than just revenge.” insists George Osborne.
“It’s also about stopping the poor getting any of the cash that belongs to us. Continue reading →
One thing I learned as Minister for Education was…err…
Letting down the poorest in society should be left to politicians with a proven track record of doing so, thinks Michael Gove.
“If there’s one thing I learned as Education Secretary… two, take away one … yes one thing” said the justice minister yesterday “it’s that you can’t simply let so-called professionals run things. A politician like me, with a fresh new approach – pardon?- well yes, untrammelled by previous experience in the field is another way of putting it – can often makes things better.”
Mr Gove is particularly concerned that there are effectively two systems of justice in the country. “One Gold Standard, for the rich and well connected and another for those without financial means or influence. That is completely unacceptable to this Conservative government and we will now consign it to the history books”.
“We will rationalise things to create one simple, uniform system across the country.” he promised his audience, adding with a flourish “My predecessor Chris Grayling made a good start by slashing legal aid and decimating support services for domestic violence victims; it now falls to me to finish the job and do away with justice for the poor altogether.”
“That’s made my day!” IDS hears claimant really does have multiple sclerosis
Iain Duncan Smith has defended his department’s humiliation of Nick Gaskin, who cannot walk, talk or feed himself.
“It’s a well known fact in my head that benefits scroungers pretend to have multiple sclerosis, constructing elaborate facades by being fed and toileted by an army of well-meaning but frankly gullible carers.”
DWP officials repeatedly asked Mr Gaskin to attend a Jobcentre interview or risk his benefits being stopped. “We were pretty sure he was a wrong’un.” says IDS “When the potential consequences were explained to Mr Gaskin during a home visit, he just sat there blinking, so we clearly had him rattled.”
Nick Gaskin, from Leicestershire, was diagnosed with primary progressive multiple sclerosis (MS) 16 years ago. He needs round-the-clock care and can only communicate through blinking.
“So what?” asked IDS “I need round the clock care myself. In fact we have a dedicated DWP unit just to follow me round and sweep up the shit I make up. And I can’t actually feed myself either – not on a Ministerial salary.”
“But you don’t see me queuing up with a begging bowl and shall I tell you why? Well, yes, living rent free in a mansion on my father-in-law’s estate helps, but this isn’t about me. Don’t change the subject.”
Have you ever wondered why the summer’s news is tediously predictable? Well, the EH can exclusively reveal that all newspapers pre-write the summer news so journalists can sod off to the beach rather than sit in sweaty offices waiting for something to happen. Which it never does.
So here is a sample of what we have already written for the summer:
16th July: The temperature sneaks above 20 degrees and a heatwave is finally declared. First use of “Scorcher” in a headline. Everyone rushes to the beaches and then rushes away again after a killer shark panic on a Devonian beach. The Great White Shark turns out to be a boringly harmless basking shark. Continue reading →
Even after a hectic week, some men are flat out around the house at weekends
Harold’s fathers are busy planning what not to do on 21st June when, in a break from tradition, their womenfolk will undertake the bulk of cooking, cleaning and childcare.
Many men are still recovering from their Mothers Day exertions, believing it was only ‘a couple of weeks ago’ that they left an unwrapped box of Milk Tray and a small bunch of dayglo flowers on their mum’s’ front doorstep. Continue reading →
“And a Steak Pie & chips my good man and make it snappy; the fourth quarter is about to start”
Well know sports enthusiast and part-time Prime Minister, David Cameron, has been discussing his ability to support multiple teams such as England, UK and GB “For instance, I’m a true-blue West Ham fan but that doesn’t stop me supporting Liverpool Rangers when they’re competing in the Eurasian Cup.”
The Prime Minister’s spokeman later clarified that in fact Mr Cameron is a Villa fan and must have suffered from Brain Fade when referring to his support for ‘The West Hamsters.
“I’ve supported Villa Rovers since I was a lad” said the old Etonian; “nothing like standing at The Shed end singing ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ to the world-famous recording by Freddie and the Dreamers.”
“Happy Days eh? Oh look, another spontaneous low-brow cultural reference! The Fonce was my absolute favourite, with his shaven head and lollipop sucking. ‘Who loves ya baby’ – I just loved that catchphrase.”
A greengrocer in Harold has angrily denied that he’s quitting, and instead vowed to continue in his role.
Defiantly operating his till and a sort of weighing contraption to the left of it, Dominic Evans of ‘Evans Vegetables and Sons’ faced up to a string of customers, one at a time.
The move to stay put comes quickly after the departure of Cllr Ron Ronsson: he brushed past our reporter carrying a melon and some carrots.
Despite the ‘cash for fruit’ controversy, no-one has actually called for Evans to leave. But they will do, once a journalist gets to the front of the queue. “What on earth are talking about?” demanded Evans. “Where the f*** would I go?”, before adding “do you want those potatoes or not?”
Andy heads off for a two dozen ’99’ Ice Cream cones, with extra grit
Hordes of dolts with limited imagination have been gathering along the beaches of south west England, hoping to see ‘the high tide of the century’.
“We can hardly wait” enthused popular Harold Curate Andy, pegging his windbreak with pebbles “I’ve heard it could be as high as a four-storey house. What’s that in metric then, about two feet? I can’t see anything going wrong but as I’ve brought the Sunday School class, I’ll allow three for safety.”
Andy explained that, by a stroke of bad luck, he’d just missed out on the Indonesian Tsunami. He’d been back-packing in the area only a month earlier, so he’s determined not miss out on some big-surf-wave action closer to home.
“The man on the TV said we should take precautions to ensure we stay safe and don’t put the emergency services at risk” said Andy “That’s why we’re wearing our b.o.g.o.f Eclipse Glasses.”
“No, really. You’re welcome to it.” [Circle Holdings 2015]
Circle Holdings, the first private firm to manage a NHS hospital, says it’s upset that so many sick people took advantage of a free service “… and thus spoiled it for everyone else”.
The company is so upset that it’s decided to withdraw from Hinchingbrooke hospital but made it clear that it will continue with many other NHS deals. “Some are very profitable,” agreed Circle’s top Money-Wrangler Steve Melton “and in such cases it would clearly be unethical to let the public down.” Continue reading →
For some unknown reason Andy’s last BMW rusted badly
St Paul’s deputy priest-in-charge is delighted with the new motorcycle he recently picked up from City Link’s local depot.
“My old bike was very corroded but I couldn’t claim under BMW warranty just because I’d got it free when it washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.”
Curate Andy heard people could collect parcels from the bankrupt courier company, hitched a lift to Dunstable and was first in the queue on Monday morning. “I didn’t want to go in on the sabbath Continue reading →
The music industry has heaved a huge sigh of relief after learning that last weekend’s Beckham car crash was not the warbling clotheshorse attempting another comeback.
Victoria was distraught after learning of husband David’s motor accident, having misheard the early reports.
“Oh, thank god for that, I thought you said ‘car clash’. There’s nothing worse than turning up at an event and someone has exactly the same car as you. I couldn’t have let him drive it again, for the shame he would have brought upon brand Beckham.” Continue reading →
The Parliamentary Standards Authority has queried a £3 million ‘photocopy paper & sundry office supplies’ bill, which appeared overnight on Andrew Mitchell’s expenses claim form.
“Yes, it is a bit on the high side” admitted Enid Baxter, the night-duty Emergency Expenses Officer” and we’d have preferred it to be on a printed invoice, rather than handwritten on the back of an envelope”.
However, Baxter says it wasn’t the amount of the claim which caused concern but the request for the cheque to be made out to ‘cash’.
“I expect his mind was on other things” she conceded, “what with the £3 million libel case court costs and the Judge finding out he was lying. Probably.”
High Street sharks have warned that ‘unnecessary’ new Government regulations will force desperate families into the hands of back street sharks.
“With us, borrowers know where they are” said Peter Jackal, Wonga’s Director of Corporate Irresponsibility “Trousers round the ankles, head down the toilet and being right-royally buggered by a set of loveable cartoon characters.”