“Blessed are they …who convert their neighbour’s ox, for they shall inhibit their girth …and to them only shall be given– to them only… shall… be… given…”
Jeremy Corbyn has relaunched Labour as an electoral force by calling for an end to coherent policy making and representing the views of Remainers such as, for example, sixty-five per cent of Labour voters.
“Labour now stands for the values of not being wedded to policies and mis-speaking,” he said in a landmark speech. “Let me be perfectly unclear and then let me be so again on the Today programme and again on World at One and maybe even Sky News.” Continue reading
Rejoice for He is among us
There is relief today as having heard the cries of a people suffering without an Opposition, Bono has descended and promised to fix this heaving shambles pronto, like.
“No more division. All is needed is one beautiful, humble voice. It’s time for Bono, let Him speak,” said Bono. “Guys, I feel your pain and just like Africa I will heal it.” Continue reading
Taking one for the team.
Casting aside his opponent’s offer of a role as party president, Mr Corbyn has told Owen Smith that when, sorry if, he is re-elected as party leader, his erstwhile challenger will be given a new honourary position of his own; that of dominated rubber clad party bitch. Continue reading
How can you miss an open goal as big as these two egos?
The vast majority of Labour MPs have today confirmed that they will no longer be serving their constituencies and the country as a whole and from now on will be one hundred per cent focussed on their own narrow interests and financial futures. Continue reading
The first bearded shadow front bench MP since Ann Widdecombe.
In a bid to kick UK political stability firmly in the nuts while the country tries to recover from an unusually bad bout of stupid; the Parliamentary Labour Party has decided that it can’t allow Jeremy Corbyn to remain as its most popular leader in a generation.
“There’s no room for selfless demonstrations of moral integrity in the modern Labour Party” said former shadow foreign secretary and twatfumbling cumblanket Hilary Benn. Continue reading
The first rule of the Labour Party is: you do not talk about anything else
Despite being in opposition to a pack of weasels led by a man who’d frack his own grandmother if he thought she was naturally gassy enough to make an (offshore) profit, the Labour party remain unable to look anywhere other than up their own arse.
“It’s very easy to say we’re missing an open goal,” said Jeremy Corbyn. “But the important thing to do is first establish what game we’re playing. I want to be goalie, Hilary Benn insists we’re playing rugby union and Dianne Abbott is wandering around asking everyone why she’s wearing wicket keeping gloves.” Continue reading
The Left united will never be defeated! Oops
There were celebrations all over Westminster last night as the Labour Party launched another splinter group to demonstrate their cohesiveness.
Open Labour joins Momentum, Labour First, The Labour That Melts in Your Mouth and Not in Your Hand, and The People’s Front of Judea amongst many other groups each espousing the ‘correct’ way to be left of the government. Continue reading
Excuse me while I let this off…
Prime Minister Cameron has sent all MPs back to their homes and constituencies this weekend with clear instructions to examine their own consciences about the exciting prospect of bombing the shit out of Syria.
“It’s diplomatic language,” explained a spokesman for Number Ten. “Most of the male members [of The Commons] haven’t got a clue how to think straight and reason with logic, especially if they try to fit it in while watching Match of the Day.
“Their wives, on the other hand, have very clear views, often expressed in a tone of voice that obviates the need for further discussion, while cooking dinner, sorting the laundry, helping the kids with their homework and planning the Christmas seating arrangements.”
“Hopefully,” he concluded, “they’ll all come back here on Monday morning, eager to toe the line, or risk hanging their members [their penises] out to dry for the foreseeable future.”
Corbyn’s mission is to save the planet from Tories
Jeremy Corbyn, the latest regeneration of the Labour Party leader, has become known as ‘The Doctor’ within the corridors of Labour Central Office for his eccentric behaviour and general unworldliness.
“It started as a bit of a joke because of his likeness to the actor Peter Capaldi and his dislike for wearing a tie” a Labour insider revealed, “but we soon realised that the similarity went beyond his appearance, thanks to his bizarre statements and unintelligible policies.”
“For instance,” continued the bemused insider, “as I was passing the Tardis – as his office is known – I’m almost certain I overheard Jeremy likening Ian Duncan-Smith to a Sontaran who could only be controlled by the evil Davros; and it is common knowledge that he believes the Queen is a Weeping Angel.” Continue reading
A charming trip down memory lane.
Up to 60,000 tourists have been refused entry to the deliberately grim attraction called ‘Corbynland’.
Some had waited patiently for over 30 years to visit the theme park, which features a nationalised railway for the ladies and a free lunch area for union members only.
“I got to the turn stile, and they asked me if I’d been to a rival tourist attraction before”, said Harold’s Phil Evans.
“I told them I’d been to a model village in Chipping Norton a few years ago, but it was very unrealistic. However, they said that was enough to get me barred from Corbynland.”
Like a closed shop, but before the wheels came off.
Labour hopeful Jeremy Corbyn will push women into the sea in wheeled sheds, if elected.
The surprise announcement was made by Corbyn, who has pledged to reintroduce a number of similar initiatives abandoned by history.
“From coal mines and women-only carriages, to rickets and dinosaurs, I think we can all agree that the past was a better place”, said Corbyn.
Bathing machines were used by the Victorians, so that women could swim in the sea without men being offended by their calves.
Corbyn believes that rather than condemning the practice of ankle ogling, it would be less confrontational to set women adrift.
Corbyn has an extremely unsavoury association with me
Tony Blair has intervened again in the Labour leadership contest, this time demanding that Jeremy Corbyn explain his links to a deranged warmonger who launched an illegal war in the Middle East in 2003.
Corbyn, the current front-runner in the leadership race, is alleged to have served in a party led by the war criminal for over ten years. Continue reading
Peter Mandelson: intensely unrelaxed about democracy
It emerged late last night that Lord Mandelson involved himself in the Hogwarts House Cup by urging three houses to resign en mass in order to suspend the contest and prevent the left wing Gryffindor house from winning.
Mandelson, a Slytherin and close confident of Lord Tonymort whom he helped rise to power in 1997, is understood to have contacted the heads of each of the three houses and ordered them to resign on the grounds that a bunch of left-wingers winning something made him feel “all clammy and alarmed as it should any proud Labour member who truly embraces our party’s history and ideals.” Continue reading
Cthulu: currently dormant and dreaming of reducing our sanity to ashes, and renationalising the railways
Former spin doctor Alastair Campbell has warned that voting for Jeremy Corbyn would be a “car crash, and more” for both Labour and the nation as a whole. Specifying that the “more” part would definitely involve the rise of Cthulu, the monstrous entity whose existence is beyond mortal comprehension and whose rise from the stone city of R’lyeh will usher in an era of madness that will destroy our minds along with civilisation itself. Continue reading
Like the Lenin hat, Jeremy!
The competence of the Labour Party has been questioned once again after it was announced that leadership hopefuls, Liz Kendall, Yvette Cooper and Andy Burnham had all withdrawn from the contest in favour of Andy Burnham, Yvette Cooper and Liz Kendall.
Driven by a combined fear that Jeremy Corbyn might have an outside chance of becoming the next Labour leader if someone didn’t step down from the contest, each of the prospective leaders fell upon their swords leaving the grizzled leftie a shoo-in for the leadership.
“It’s even worse than the Miliband debacle,” said one veteran Labour activist. “They’ve all pulled out and in seconds have collectively set the Party back by thirty five years without a single bacon roll in sight.” Continue reading
One of the maniacs who expressed an opinion.
A handful of Labour MPs have caused widespread disgust after voting in parliament in line with their principles.
Supply leader Harriet Harman had urged her MPs not to vote on welfare reforms, because doing so might make them unpopular with traditional tory voters.
“It’s those conservative voters that Labour needs to appeal to in future”, said Harman. “We’re not going to get far if we listen to the little voice inside that says ‘this is wrong, we should object to this with every fibre of our being’.”
We’ve honestly forgotten who the Shadow Cabinet are. Is it the Wuzzels? We hope it’s the Wuzzels.
The parliamentary Labour Party are spending the next two days on a country retreat working on how they can provide the least opposition to the first Conservative budget since November 1996.
“We hear that George Osborne is going to favour the wealthy on inheritance tax while also cutting billions from welfare,” a Labour insider who gave their name only as Harriet Harman told us. “We don’t like that at all so in response we’ll be sure to…um…well…hoo…” Continue reading
Sir Alan embraces his first love.
Ruthless capitalist and renowned heartless bastard Alan Sugar has just realised he shouldn’t be in the Labour party.
“I don’t really make anything these days, I just rely on my assets to generate money’, said the ex-Labour peer. “Which is why I have so much more in common with the SNP.”
Sugar is best known for surrounding himself with idiots and then firing them one-by-one: a management model much admired by UKIP.
He is one of Britain’s greenest entrepreneurs, with fewer than 5% of his products being switched on by customers, after the first twenty minutes of ownership.