Is that you’re best shot, you pussy? My mother has a stronger grip.
Islamic State have hit back in the row between David Cameron and Boris Johnson over the terror threat level. Cameron says leaving the EU will make the UK more vulnerable; Johnson says the opposite.
“Praise the Lord, Brexit or not to Brexit makes no f*cking difference,” said ISIS in a Tweet translated by Google.
IS a dork
ISIS has slammed the new execution video as ‘too derivative’, and say they regret selling the popular franchise to Disney.
An ISIS spokesman said they were disappointed with the unimaginative casting of another Britain to replace Jihadi John, and the use of the same old tired desert location.
“Where is the creative spark, where is the character development? The gimmicky use of the child was just appalling, what next – a puppy?” said the spokesman.
The unimaginable horror
Despite thousands of police patrolling all major European cities, ISIS has managed to carry out coordinated attacks using a mystery disabling substance that left millions of revellers incoherent and with sore heads.
Reports across Europe painted similar pictures of the horrifying devastation caused by the attacks, with scores of incapacitated people suddenly believing they COULD dance to that Taylor Swift song, or it was EXACTLY the right time to ring their ex and slur how much they luvvved them.
Caliphate of Ultra Nationalist Terrorists in Syria
David Cameron is expected to table an urgent commons vote this week to decide the next name to give to the terror group, formally known as ISIL.
The terrorist organization has undergone a series of radical name changes over the last 3 years as their PR machine struggles to find a universally acceptable brand. Continue reading
A UK citizen killed abroad is a tragedy. If they’re killed by their own government it’s an economic necessity
David Cameron says that flying UK citizens home from Egypt is a top priority as he much prefers it when they’re killed by his government and not Islamic fundamentalists.
“The decisions that I am taking are about putting the safety of British people first,” the Prime Minister said. “Until they’re back home and then Iain Duncan Smith can hunt them with dogs for all I care.” Continue reading
The road, the hole road and nothing but the road.
There are red faces in the Highways Agency following a rash of complaints from motorists about the large number of potholes appearing on Britain’s roads. Motoring organizations and MPs are blaming the Highways Agency after it was discovered that the lucrative road maintenance contract was awarded to an unknown firm called Integrated Expert Developments from the Islamic State. Continue reading
HMRC has waded into the war on terrorism claiming that many of the British-born jihadists are basing themselves in Syria as part of a global tax dodging scheme.
“Fundraising for IS, al-Qaeda or Boko Haram is not only morally wrong, but by moving their jihadi activity offshore they are effectively robbing the treasury of some much-needed revenue,” the Taxpayers’ Alliance said
“How can we stop radicalisation if these terrorists aren’t paying their dues?”
Paul Dacre: sweaty palms
Punishment for sins we all committed in a past life and alleged source of news, the Daily Mail, has admitted that Isis gets them a little bit sweaty.
“It’s the way they keep doing entirely unspeakable things to people and filming it that I find so fascinating,” said editor, Paul Dacre. “We then publish images from those films, with the worst details ever-so-slightly blurred, and harrumph about how evil it is. Then we do it again and again and again. Simples.” Continue reading
We don’t know who created this Lego Islamic extremist but our hat is off to them
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of Isis, has said that his end goal is a global Caliphate consisting of himself.
“Once I’ve excluded/killed women, everyone who’s LGBT, Jews, non-believers, anyone who looks at me funny, Jews again just to make sure, and all those who refuse to acknowledge that Christopher Eccelstone was the best Doctor Who there aren’t many people left,” he said in a statement released today. Continue reading
Filed under News, Religion
Apparently Isis also take dim young men, pop them into a uniform and tell them they’re better than everyone else
Prince Charles has used an interview on Radio 2’s The Sunday Hour this morning to speak of his “real worry” that radical Islam is buggering up the Middle East more emphatically than the Kardashians are screwing the very concept of reality.
Charles, who has been raised from birth to believe that he will one day be Defender of the Faith and crowned king by the Archbishop of Canterbury in Westminster Abbey, lamented the “distortions that are made of the great religions.” Continue reading
Filed under Religion, Royals
For some reason she’s got a whole page to herself in it
Following on from the recent launch of their own currency Isis has taken another commerce-focussed break from dragging the world back to the 12th century and leaving it there. Briefly embracing modern life once more they’ve released Isis sticker packs and an album to put them in. Continue reading
Big Brother studio, Elstree: who needs Guantánamo Bay?
The government has announced plans to contain British jihadis who are returning from Syria by the dozen, running scared from the world’s most violent and regressive gap year scheme.
“We can’t revoke passports and we can’t leave them stateless,” said Theresa May. “But what we can do is ensure that they are placed in a secure environment away from the any publicity or internet access.”
“The Big Brother house is perfect,” she enthused. “It’s got great security and no one’s paid it the slightest attention since 2002.”
Muslims in Harold and Dunstable are feeling the cold having been ordered by the local council to forgo clothes and instead wear giant poppies.
“It’s time we knew whose side they’re on,” said Councillor Ron Ronsson. “Muslims wearing poppies, and only poppies, is no more than the brave men and women of Her Majesty’s armed forces deserve. Anyone refusing to comply is letting Isis win.” Continue reading
Arms companies have welcomed America’s decision to supply guns and ammunition to Kurdish fighters.
There were concerns that a lack of ‘boots on the ground’ would see sales of arms reaching pre-Iraq levels.
“At the moment the world is fighting two wars,” a spokesman for arms dealers explained. “One against Ebola, and one against ISIS.
“Sadly you can’t bomb the hell out of Ebola, no matter how often we suggest it, so we are relying on a prolonged war against ISIS to help give us world peace and a decent Christmas bonus.
Filed under News, Politics
The UK and US have taken the lead in fighting Ebola and ISIS and arranged talks between the two to see if they fancy fighting each other.
“We just getting tired of getting involved in wars we can’t win,” foreign secretary Philip Hammond said.
“But ISIS and Ebola can’t get enough of the whole killing thing. For ISIS it’s in their blood, and as for Ebola it’s also in saliva and urine.”
Home Secretary outlines her get-tough policy for most people “Then, if I think they look a bit iffy, I grab them by the balls…”
New anti-extremist measures announced yesterday, targeting people and groups who “stay just within the law but spread poisonous hatred”, were described as draconian by some who might fall foul of legislation: Peter Hitchens, Richard Littlejohn, Melanie Phillips and Paul Dacre.
Although a future Conservative government would ban most extremist groups, hurried negotiations yesterday afternoon with Daily Mail owner Lord Rothermere mean the self-styled ‘newspaper’ will be exempt, due to its “unique contribution” to the cultural life of the country.
Tony’s is a strange sort of war-face
Tony Blair, Middle East peace envoy and man with the most erroneous job title in history, has published a guide to better sex on his Tony Blair Faith Foundation website. In it he says that he has discovered that the secret to being a great lover is to be near constantly trying to start a war. “War in the desert really hots things up in the bedroom,” he writes. Continue reading
He likes big bombs and he cannot lie…
In a televised address last night Barack Obama announced his Bombing for Peace plan. Revealing he means to defeat Isis and bring stability to Syria and Iraq by using the mass application of deadly violence. Over the years Obama has become ever more hawkish in his foreign policy and is now the kind of man who if you asked him if he liked bombs and drone strikes would reply “yes, I really like bombs and drone strikes” and give himself a little hug just at the mere mention of them. Continue reading