ISIS blamed for mystery New Year’s attacks leaving millions with sore heads

Despite thousands of police patrolling all major European cities, ISIS has managed to carry out coordinated attacks using a mystery disabling substance that left millions of revellers incoherent and with sore heads.

Reports across Europe painted similar pictures of the horrifying devastation caused by the attacks, with scores of incapacitated people suddenly believing they COULD dance to that Taylor Swift song, or it was EXACTLY the right time to ring their ex and slur how much they luvvved them.

Police chief Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe said ISIS appears to have spread the disabling substance throughout Europe by poisoning the water supply with hops and grapes, and then using devious tricks such as 40 bottles of Stella for £16, or 3 bottles of grape flavoured water for £10.

Sir Bernard said he was pleased to see the public take the ISIS threat seriously, with numerous people resolving to scrupulously avoid hop and grape flavoured water for the next year at least.

“I can’t see ISIS being able to pull off a similar attack until at least next Friday” said Hogan-Howe.