Tag Archives: climate change
“A bit more aviation fuel pollution isn’t going to do any harm,” said local climatologist Mike Fairchild. “Compared to the amount of puke and poos she’s going to drop in the ocean, it would be a drop in the ocean. It wouldn’t even be in the ocean.”
“Birds have evolved to keep out of the way of planes. Now we have to start thinking about the whales and sharks who are traumatised when a massive shit comes their way after a ship passes.”
“Thunberg is famous for her green credentials,” he continued, “and it shows on her face the moment she steps on board a boat. Puke and diarrhoea are best stored in a sewer behind a fat-ball, not dumped on the seabed.”
“This whole eco-trip by boat malarkey is going to backfire and she’ll be left with egg on her face and ketchup running down her smock,” he added.
The world continues to act surprised in the wake of an elderly sociopath proving that he has no regard for others or the future. Continue reading
Harold’s well-known organic farmer, Ted Evans regrets locking up his stable last Friday , after his horse was startled by an oddly-shaped carrot and galloped off, in what seemed to be a bid for free-range status.
“It were wicked cold on Friday night, well below minus 10 in fact.” says Evans “When I let the dogs out the next morning, I found old Lucy frozen solid to the concrete, just inches away from her heated stall. I could even see faint hoofy scratch marks on the stable door and her little nose was still stuck to the handle.” Continue reading
David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.
Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.
“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.
There is concern among Harold residents that the recent decline in European wind prices may force the village’s last remaining wind farm to cease production.
Wind products have been a major source of income for the village with exports in excess of five million cubic metres being shipped to Scotland each year alone. Continue reading
Harold academic Professor Monica Simon has launched a stinging attack on Star Wars by saying it is to blame for climate change. Her new book Laugh It Up, Fuzzball: How George Lucas Happily Destroyed Earth claims that the film director has succeeded in brain-washing everyone into “buggering up the planet because they think they can just go to another one.” Continue reading
However, the full horror of global warming has come closer to home after scientists confirmed that the weekend’s early clogging of Britain’s road network by caravans was ‘almost certainly due’ to the effects of global warming. Continue reading
Climate scientists rescued from a trapped research ship in Antarctica have claimed that their computer models ‘accurately predicted’ that they would get stuck in the first place.
The diesel-powered research ship MV Akademik Shokalskiy had set out on an 8,000 mile journey to highlight how normal people ought to cut down on unnecessary journeys.
But after grinding to a halt in unusually thick pack-ice, climatologist Dr Alan Pecher claimed that it ‘just proved how much hotter the South Pole has become’.
Harold’s green credentials were called into doubt last night, as the controversial village wind turbine finally ran out of puff.
Despite the vast cost of the equipment and 3 years of legal wrangling with local pressure groups, the windmill was only operable for 40 minutes before an engineer had to be called.
Norwegian wind experts Flattus were quickly on the scene and proceeded to remove panels from the lower sections of the tower. But a quick-eyed junior cameraman from the Evening Harold snapped the guts of the equipment, revealing an estimated 40,000 AA batteries being used to power the fan.
With the influential report from the UN climate panel giving the strongest suggestion yet that climate change is a reality, the Daily Mail has rubbished the evidence saying it refuses to answer the key question, why does it still snow.
“We accept that this paper is one of the most peer reviewed in history” the Daily Mail’s Paul Dacre said. “And it has been written by hundreds of different scientists using experiments and data that are indisputable, but last week we had to put the central heating on. In September for God’s sake”