Caliphate of Ultra Nationalist Terrorists in Syria
David Cameron is expected to table an urgent commons vote this week to decide the next name to give to the terror group, formally known as ISIL.
The terrorist organization has undergone a series of radical name changes over the last 3 years as their PR machine struggles to find a universally acceptable brand. Continue reading
Britain’s first black Home Secretary
Speaking to the National Black Police Association conference, Theresa May has identified the current UK cabinet as an ‘exemplar of equality in action’.
Mrs May went on to explain how her own experience, as a black woman from a disadvantaged social background, informs all her work on behalf of the people of Royal Windsor & Maidenhead. Continue reading
Term time Disney – as empty as her education.
Children returning to school after term-time trips abroad could face a wall of silence around work they have missed while taking advantage of cheaper fares.
That’s the recommendation of teachers who see fines as ineffective against low- and middle-income parents who believe they have a right to go on discounted vacations in June that they couldn’t have afforded at summer market prices.
“Parents may think their children can catch up, or get the worksheets they missed – but if these measures are introduced, they will not even be informed what topics were covered while they were away. They won’t even know there is a 7-times table,” warned Carly Jeffery, assistant teacher at St. Mary’s primary school. Continue reading
[add photo from scene]
A gunman has shot numerous people at a US [college / school / mall / other].
Initial reports are that [add big number] have been killed and [add even bigger number] are seriously wounded.
Little is known about the gunman at present, but media are swarming to the area and will soon interview someone who will confirm the shooter appeared [completely normal and was a credit to his parents / to be a loner who kept to himself (note: change gender in unlikely event shooter is female)].
Wayne still waiting to hear back from Mensa
The National Rifle Association say if it wasn’t for today’s US cinema shooter having a gun to shoot himself with, many more lives would have been at risk.
“Imagine if he went into that cinema armed with just a baseball bat, he would have found it almost impossible to bash himself to death” reasoned NRA spokesman Wayne Einstein.
For a few horrible moments, Boris thought the £328,883 was coming out of his own pocket
For sale, any reasonable offer considered.
Audi, BMW and Mercedes not quite cutting it at the golf club? Try out the Wasserwerfer 9000 and water the greens at the same time ‘Springwater durch technik’.
Due to circumstances beyond my control [!] offers are invited for three much-loved water cannon, unexpectedly surplus to requirements. Very low mileage. Finished in sparkling, completely unmarked Metropolitan Police livery.
Could be delivered in time for a Reggae-based August Bank Holiday street carnival.
Inherently dangerous so would suit minor dictator with political ambition, high-functioning sociopath or Alton Towers.
Interested? Then contact:
Mayor of London
London SE1 2AA
(Note change of address from 2019: 10 Downing St, London SW1A 2AA)
One thing I learned as Minister for Education was…err…
Letting down the poorest in society should be left to politicians with a proven track record of doing so, thinks Michael Gove.
“If there’s one thing I learned as Education Secretary… two, take away one … yes one thing” said the justice minister yesterday “it’s that you can’t simply let so-called professionals run things. A politician like me, with a fresh new approach – pardon?- well yes, untrammelled by previous experience in the field is another way of putting it – can often makes things better.”
Mr Gove is particularly concerned that there are effectively two systems of justice in the country. “One Gold Standard, for the rich and well connected and another for those without financial means or influence. That is completely unacceptable to this Conservative government and we will now consign it to the history books”.
“We will rationalise things to create one simple, uniform system across the country.” he promised his audience, adding with a flourish “My predecessor Chris Grayling made a good start by slashing legal aid and decimating support services for domestic violence victims; it now falls to me to finish the job and do away with justice for the poor altogether.”
Gladys Pymm, regular winner of the ‘Harold in Bloom award for most attractive roadside memorial’ has had her name struck from the trophy after being convicted at Dunstable Crown Court for serial murder.
73 year old Mrs Pymm was crowned winner for the 7th time in 2014 for her outstanding performance in looking after the 46 roadside shrines situated along a short stretch of the B1137 that runs outside her house. Continue reading
“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids with your video camera”
A video camera has snuck up behind a US police officer and filmed him while he was minding his own business pumping eight bullets into a fleeing black man.
The incident has caused shock among racist US officers, with some vowing they will give up shooting unarmed black men in protest.
“You just don’t feel safe anymore” said Officer X. “You turn around for just a few seconds to shoot a suspected black man only for some scumbag video camera to shoot you in the back.”
It’s hard to tell, Chief. In black and white they don’t all look the same
After dozens of people including the President were shot, Selma’s Police Chief, Pete Garbut, explained his tough stance on this weekend’s civil rights march re-enactment.
“Give an inch and they’ll take a mile. You’re too young to remember this, but black protesters have marched across this bridge once before and last time it all ended in tears … yes OK, that may have been the riot gas.”
Hoping for another job working with offenders. Maybe with Sodexo
“I was reading Private Eye recently and discovered that my wife was a Director of Sodexo”, said Paul McDowell the chief inspector of probation.
“I was particularly shocked when I read that Sodexo had partnered with NACRO, a charity I used to run. And if you think that was a co-incidence, that same partnership then won a whole sheaf of probation contracts! What were the chances?”
Just say No
Future meetings of the Harold knitting circle have been cancelled following an outbreak of Hepatitis B among the group. Continue reading
Well-known drinker and friend
Well-known drink-driver Barbara Knox acknowledged last week that she’s been living a double life, having appeared repeatedly in a tawdry ITV soap known to its addicted fans simply as Corrie.
Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms, says that social attitudes have changed over the years “The times are long gone when a drink-driver could end up in a couple of episodes of Crossroads by mistake, Continue reading
Caution: may contain traces of rant
The Evening Harold has a long history of tolerance and inclusivity. 200 years ago we made a stand against slavery by giving our office slaves their freedom and replacing them with mandrills
. More recently, we reported on how the whole village had adopted the Niqab and declared it to be lovely
. We looked at whether moderate cat ladies should condemn extremist cat ladies
, and we made fun of Britain First
because, as far as we can see, that is the point of Britain First.
Following news events over the last few days, we have decided to publish a picture that some may find controversial. We do it defiance of those who try to break us, in defiance of those who are desperate to force change upon us, and in defiance of those who wish to devalue our traditions.
Cadbury, leave our Creme Eggs alone.
Saudi cleric Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid has issued a ban on the building of snowmen in the north of the country following the appearance overnight of a 3 foot tall icy effigy of the Prophet Mohammed.
In a statement the cleric declared that to make statues in the form of any human was sinful, but to make one that looks a bit like how they imagine someone who lived 1400 odd years ago but of whom, not surprisingly, no pictures exist in a medium that doesn’t really lend itself to accurate depictions of facial features; particularly eye colour, skin tone and general beard scraggliness; was not only highly blasphemous, but also quite silly.
Photo for satirical purposes only. Any resemblance to religious figures living or dead is purely coincidental.
Saudi riot police were despatched to the area where they set about smashing up, shooting and beheading all the offending snow demons and arresting groups of small children armed with an array of deadly bobble hats, scarves and woolly mittens.
Police eventually managed to restore order by arresting the ringleader, a jolly happy soul with a corn cob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal following a brief shootout at the offices of a French Santarist magazine.
After suffering an embarrassing hacking attack where ‘I love ISIS’ messages were posted to the US Central Command’s Twitter and YouTube accounts, the US exacted a terrible revenge by infecting all ISIS computers with Clippy, the Microsoft Office Assistant.
“We just hacked the US Central Command’s social media accounts as a bit of a joke” complained ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.
“You could understand if the US, in the spirit of banter, launched a few more drones our way, or water-boarded a few of the brothers in Guantanamo Bay. I’d even have said ‘fair cop’ if US jets dropped 1,000s of cartoons of the Prophet from the sky. But in the name of Allah, infecting all our computers with an unremovable version of Clippy is just … unnecessary.”
After days of terror where gangs of cats peed in neighbour’s gardens and bailed up dogs while the cats owners chanted ‘cats are great!’, moderate cat ladies have been urged to condemn extremist cat ladies.
The attacks seemed to be in retaliation to an unflattering depiction of a cat in the latest issue of the Harold Kennel Club’s monthly magazine, but most villagers say a poorly drawn cat by a dog owner can never be an excuse for a feline rampage.
“Trust me. I’m the Home Secretary, I know what I’m doing.”
Deaths from mood-altering-yet-legal substances remain stubbornly stuck down in double figures, according to a new Home Office report.
Home Secretary Theresa May wrote the foreword but denies some of its apparent support for decriminalising drugs, or indeed having read her own department’s report.
“It was a Home Office report on drugs,” carped Mrs May “why would I bother to read it? Continue reading
Don’t worry, they won’t be your kids, or those of your friends. Their parents probably shop in Lidl.
Chris Grayling has defended his latest blundering about in the criminal justice system, building children’s super-prisons, pointing out that they will always be for other people’s kids so nice people like you haven’t got anything to worry about.
Like Mr Graylings other initiatives, this one is soundly based on European research; his gardeners are all from Turkey and agreed the idea seemed good when it was explained to them in the greenhouse last Thursday. Continue reading