Category Archives: Law and Order

90% of Brits think a caucus is an animal

The Binturong (Arctictis binturong), also known as the Asian Bearcat, the Palawan BearcatPalawan

Caucus?

Despite intensive coverage of the Iowa caucus it’s been revealed that most people this side of the Atlantic couldn’t give a rat’s arse about the result and fully ninety per cent think a caucus is some sort of animal.

“Caucus? Bloody hell, be careful,” local farmer Phil Evans said to us. “They can break a man’s arm you know.” Continue reading

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Raft of exciting new features promised for Laws of Physics II

Happy New Year

Happy New Year

The long-awaited sequel to The Laws of Physics may be just around the corner – or, more accurately, the bend – say excited scientists at the Large Hadron Collider.

Following a massive upgrade of the CERN facility in 2015, Prof. Brian Cox has been speaking to Harold sustainable energy enthusiast Dr John Goody about the next generation of physics and the role of minuscule particles.

“There was a time when the Higgs was the smallest thing imaginable,” Prof. Cox told him, “but after a few more collisions, it turns out to be a relative galaxy compared with the teeny-weeny fragments we’ve now smashed it into. You know, some of these particles are almost as small as the level of funding British scientists get from the government.”

“The thing with these bits is that they’re so very tiny, they slip through the enforcement net of Standard Model Laws. But fortunately they are not the anarchists we originally thought but operate instead according to their own set of rather bizarre rules.”

Once classified as Mischievous Little Rogue Particles with a Rebellious Nature, it is now thought that they operate according to the Law of Utter Unpredictability, the so-called ‘British Weather Law’.

There is however a ‘dark’ side to the new physics.

“Some of these particles are pretty fundamental,” said Cox, “and we all know that any sort of fundamentalism can be a dangerous thing. Only last week we caught a bunch of naughty little quarks trying to set up an Independent State inside the vacuum left by a retreating photon. The more hawkish scientists were all for blasting them to smithereens, until someone pointed out that that was how they were created. In the end, we found that if we looked the other way and thought out about daisies and kittens, they simply ceased to exist.”

Dr Goody asked Prof. Cox whether electric cars will ever get off the ground.

“No,” said Cox, “but we can expect to see innovative products which will help us in our everyday lives, like this new kettle, for instance, which boils as soon as you start watching it. Ah, tea?”

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Intergalactic News, Law and Order, science, Space

“Air strike decision on hold until we decide what to call the bad people” – PM.

ISIS

Caliphate of Ultra Nationalist Terrorists in Syria

David Cameron is expected to table an urgent commons vote this week to decide the next name to give to the terror group, formally known as ISIL.

The terrorist organization has undergone a series of radical name changes over the last 3 years as their PR machine struggles to find a universally acceptable brand. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, bombs, idiots, Labour, Law and Order, Media, News, Politics, Society, War

Police should follow Cameron’s example of appointing me as Britain’s first black Home Secretary says Theresa May

theresamaybonkers

Britain’s first black Home Secretary

Speaking to the National Black Police Association conference, Theresa May has identified the current UK cabinet as an ‘exemplar of equality in action’.

Mrs May went on to explain how her own experience, as a black woman from a disadvantaged social background, informs all her work on behalf of the people of Royal Windsor & Maidenhead. Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Police

Staff, classmates, swear oath never to share secret of long division with Disneyland absentees

Term time Disney - as empty as her education.

Term time Disney – as empty as her education.

Children returning to school after term-time trips abroad could face a wall of silence around work they have missed while taking advantage of cheaper fares.

That’s the recommendation of teachers who see fines as ineffective against low- and middle-income parents who believe they have a right to go on discounted vacations in June that they couldn’t have afforded at summer market prices.

“Parents may think their children can catch up, or get the worksheets they missed – but if these measures are introduced, they will not even be informed what topics were covered while they were away. They won’t even know there is a 7-times table,” warned Carly Jeffery, assistant teacher at St. Mary’s primary school. Continue reading

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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Children, Education, Holidays, Law and Order, News, Politics, Tourism, Travel

US mass shooting at [add place]

[add photo from scene]

[add photo from scene]

A gunman has shot numerous people at a US [college / school / mall / other].

Initial reports are that [add big number] have been killed and [add even bigger number] are seriously wounded.

Little is known about the gunman at present, but media are swarming to the area and will soon interview someone who will confirm the shooter appeared [completely normal and was a credit to his parents / to be a loner who kept to himself (note: change gender in unlikely event shooter is female)].
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Filed under Law and Order, News, USA

NRA says mass shooter shooting himself shows how guns save lives

Wayne still waiting to hear back from Mensa

Wayne still waiting to hear back from Mensa

The National Rifle Association say if it wasn’t for today’s US cinema shooter having a gun to shoot himself with, many more lives would have been at risk.

“Imagine if he went into that cinema armed with just a baseball bat, he would have found it almost impossible to bash himself to death” reasoned NRA spokesman Wayne Einstein.
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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, USA

For sale: Water cannon. Genuine reason for sale

boris johnson

For a few horrible moments, Boris thought the £328,883 was coming out of his own pocket

For sale, any reasonable offer considered.

Audi, BMW and Mercedes not quite cutting it at the golf club? Try out the Wasserwerfer 9000 and water the greens at the same time ‘Springwater durch technik’.

Due to circumstances beyond my control [!] offers are invited for three much-loved water cannon, unexpectedly surplus to requirements. Very low mileage. Finished in sparkling, completely unmarked Metropolitan Police livery.

Could be delivered in time for a Reggae-based August Bank Holiday street carnival.

Inherently dangerous so would suit minor dictator with political ambition, high-functioning sociopath or Alton Towers.

Interested? Then contact:

Boris Johnson
Mayor of London
City Hall
London SE1 2AA

(Note change of address from 2019: 10 Downing St, London SW1A 2AA)

 

 

 

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Gove on outdated legal system failing the poor. “Hang on, that’s my job!”

michael gove again

One thing I learned as Minister for Education was…err…

Letting down the poorest in society should be left to politicians with a proven track record of doing so, thinks Michael Gove.

“If there’s one thing I learned as Education Secretary… two, take away one … yes one thing” said the justice minister yesterday “it’s that you can’t simply let so-called professionals run things. A politician like me, with a fresh new approach – pardon?- well yes, untrammelled by previous experience in the field is another way of putting it – can often makes things better.”

Mr Gove is particularly concerned that there are effectively  two systems of justice in the country. “One Gold Standard, for the rich and well connected and another for those without financial means or influence. That is completely unacceptable to this Conservative government and we will now consign it to the history books”.

“We will rationalise things to create one simple, uniform system across the country.” he promised his audience, adding with a flourish “My predecessor Chris Grayling made a good start by slashing legal aid and decimating support services for domestic violence victims; it now falls to me to finish the job and do away with justice for the poor altogether.”

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Popular ‘Harold in Bloom’ winner disqualified for mass murder.

img_4915-1 Gladys Pymm, regular winner of the ‘Harold in Bloom award for most attractive roadside memorial’ has had her name struck from the trophy after being convicted at Dunstable Crown Court for serial murder.

73 year old Mrs Pymm was crowned winner for the 7th time in 2014 for her outstanding performance in looking after the 46 roadside shrines situated along a short stretch of the B1137 that runs outside her house. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Crime, idiots, Law and Order, Motoring, Police, Society, Uncategorized

Video camera shoots armed US police officer

"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids with your video camera"

“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids with your video camera”

A video camera has snuck up behind a US police officer and filmed him while he was minding his own business pumping eight bullets into a fleeing black man.

The incident has caused shock among racist US officers, with some vowing they will give up shooting unarmed black men in protest.

“You just don’t feel safe anymore” said Officer X. “You turn around for just a few seconds to shoot a suspected black man only for some scumbag video camera to shoot you in the back.”
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Filed under Civil rights, Crime, Law and Order, USA

Selma Police celebrate 1965 march by shooting President Obama

selma

It’s hard to tell, Chief. In black and white they don’t all look the same

After dozens of people including the President were shot, Selma’s Police Chief, Pete Garbut, explained his tough stance on this weekend’s civil rights march re-enactment.

“Give an inch and they’ll take a mile. You’re too young to remember this, but black protesters have marched across this bridge once before and last time it all ended in tears … yes OK, that may have been the riot gas.”

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Filed under Civil rights, International News, News, USA

“Amazing!” says Probation Inspector when he learned his wife had won probation contracts

amazed

Hoping for another job working with offenders. Maybe with Sodexo

“I was reading Private Eye recently and discovered that my wife was a Director of Sodexo”, said Paul McDowell the chief inspector of probation.

“I was particularly shocked when I read that Sodexo had partnered with NACRO, a charity I used to run. And if you think that was a co-incidence, that same partnership then won a whole sheaf of probation contracts! What were the chances?”

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Filed under Business, charity, Crime, Law and Order

Health scare at Harold knitting circle as members found to have been sharing needles.

JS23831350

Just say No

Future meetings of the Harold knitting circle have been cancelled following an outbreak of Hepatitis B among the group. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Dr. Evans' Casebook, Drugs, Fashion, Health, Law and Order, Lifestyle, Medicine, Police

Drink-driver’s ‘Coronation Street actor’ shame

camilla and babs

Well-known drinker and friend

Well-known drink-driver Barbara Knox acknowledged last week that she’s been living a double life, having appeared repeatedly in a tawdry ITV soap known to its addicted fans simply as Corrie.

Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms, says that social attitudes have changed over the years “The times are long gone when a drink-driver could end up in a couple of episodes of Crossroads by mistake, Continue reading

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Filed under Entertainment, Law and Order, Showbusiness, TV

Human Rights Act should give precedence to right to have your head attached to rest of your body

Caution: may contain traces of rant

Caution: may contain traces of rant

The Evening Harold has a long history of tolerance and inclusivity. 200 years ago we made a stand against slavery by giving our office slaves their freedom and replacing them with mandrills. More recently, we reported on how the whole village had adopted the Niqab and declared it to be lovely. We looked at whether moderate cat ladies should condemn extremist cat ladies, and we made fun of Britain First because, as far as we can see, that is the point of Britain First.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Around Harold, Law and Order

WARNING: Some may find this image disturbing

Following news events over the last few days, we have decided to publish a picture that some may find controversial. We do it defiance of those who try to break us, in defiance of those who are desperate to force change upon us, and in defiance of those who wish to devalue our traditions.

creme egg

Cadbury, leave our Creme Eggs alone.

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Filed under Culture, Easter, International News, Law and Order, News, Uncategorized

Frosty reception for Saudi snowmen.

Saudi cleric Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid has issued a ban on the building of snowmen in the north of the country following the appearance overnight of a 3 foot tall icy effigy of the Prophet Mohammed.


In a statement the cleric declared that to m
ake statues in the form of any human was sinful, but to make one that looks a bit like how they imagine someone who lived 1400 odd years ago but of whom, not surprisingly, no pictures exist in a medium that doesn’t really lend itself to accurate depictions of facial features; particularly eye colour, skin tone and general beard scraggliness; was not only highly blasphemous, but also quite silly.

Snowhere to hide

Photo for satirical purposes only. Any resemblance to religious figures living or dead is purely coincidental.



Saudi riot police were despatched to the area where they set about smashing up, shooting and beheading all the offending snow demons and arresting groups of small children armed with an array of deadly bobble hats, scarves and woolly mittens.

Police eventually managed to restore order by arresting the ringleader, a jolly happy soul with a corn cob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal following a brief shootout at the offices of a French Santarist magazine.

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Filed under Badgers, Christmas, ice, Law and Order, Police, Religion, Uncategorized, War, Weather

US exacts cyber-revenge by installing Clippy on ISIS computers

Jihad ClippyAfter suffering an embarrassing hacking attack where ‘I love ISIS’ messages were posted to the US Central Command’s Twitter and YouTube accounts, the US exacted a terrible revenge by infecting all ISIS computers with Clippy, the Microsoft Office Assistant.

“We just hacked the US Central Command’s social media accounts as a bit of a joke” complained ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.

“You could understand if the US, in the spirit of banter, launched a few more drones our way, or water-boarded a few of the brothers in Guantanamo Bay. I’d even have said ‘fair cop’ if US jets dropped 1,000s of cartoons of the Prophet from the sky. But in the name of Allah, infecting all our computers with an unremovable version of Clippy is just … unnecessary.”
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Filed under International News, Law and Order

Moderate cat ladies urged to condemn extremist cat ladies

Cat ladyAfter days of terror where gangs of cats peed in neighbour’s gardens and bailed up dogs while the cats owners chanted ‘cats are great!’, moderate cat ladies have been urged to condemn extremist cat ladies.

The attacks seemed to be in retaliation to an unflattering depiction of a cat in the latest issue of the Harold Kennel Club’s monthly magazine, but most villagers say a poorly drawn cat by a dog owner can never be an excuse for a feline rampage.
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