Panama leaks reveal David Cameron is secret Mafia leader

David Cameron’s spokesperson has said his father’s alleged links with the Mafia revealed in a huge leak are a “private matter”.

Asked whether the Prime Minister’s family was still active in Mafiosi crime, his spokesperson replied: “That is a private matter, I am focused on what the Government is doing.”

When asked if “what the Government is doing” included construction, sanitation, and insurance industries in Sicily, the spokesman agreed that it was.

“However,” added the spokesman, a daunting seven-foot figure in dark overcoat and homburg, “We do not anticipate any interest from the Crown Prosecution Service. Particularly those members who possess race horses.”

The Prime Minister, or to give him his official title: “Il Cunto di Tutti Cunti” was in good spirits today, boosted by the simultaneous low profile of the main Brexit campaigners at the same time as the rapid completion of the new Westminster flyover.

Cameron did have some kindly words for rival Boris Johnson, mentioning how pleased he was that Johnson was apparently staying the night with the family of veteran weatherman Michael Fish.