He could be deployed at a press conference within 45 minutes
Tony Blair has been interviewed under caution on suspicion of causing harassment, alarm or distress to Radio 4 listeners who, over the weekend, heard him suggest he might return to front line politics.
“The Public OrderAct covers a wide range of anti-social behaviour.” said the Met’s new Commissioner, Cressida Dick. “True, the Act doesn’t actually specify what those behaviours are, however, I can’t think of anything more alarming than the threat of Blair gurning his way into our lives on radio and TV again, with his mock humility and those weird Continue reading
[Hold it in, you can do it … no use … too strong … aagh] “HITLER”
Ken Livingstone used the last hours before learning if banging on about Hitler and the Jews would lead to his expulsion from Labour, to bang on about Hitler.
Offered the chance to talk about Brexit, Arsene Wenger’s future at Arsenal, and the Cadburygate scandal, the loveable newt-botherer elected to keep on digging his way downwards, out of the hole in which he’d found himself. Continue reading
Somewhere ahead a bearded man is waving a red flag
Labour seems to have lost contact with its leader, in a dense fog.
A kindly-looking bearded man, thought to be Labour’s leader, was last seen waving a red flag aloft, before disappearing.
According to an Evening Harold senior lip-reader, the man had mouthed a soundless “This way everybody, follow me…” then strode off towards who knows where, whilst the party itself Continue reading
Saving it all for a rainy day.
Language experts have welcomed Philip Hammond’s use of simplified English to explain esoteric financial matters to the general public.
“I struggle to avoid glazing over when economists refer to complex fiscal concepts like ‘contingency fund’,” said literary critic Peter Pentop, “but the idea of putting petrol in the tank before embarking on a car journey suddenly makes everything clear. I guess he’s putting up fuel duty from midnight.”
Old, grey and lacking vision . Not quite Grand National form
Buckingham Palace has confirmed that the Labour Party will be humanely destroyed on 9th March, the day after John McDonnell makes a toe-clenchingly embarrassing response to the Budget.
“Her Majesty has found it painful to watch her loyal opposition wheezing along, broken winded, lame, and without its guide dog” said a Palace spokesman, who agreed that the decision to put it out of its misery should probably have been taken earlier.
“Labour’s looked on its last legs, on and off for ten years, so I suppose everyone assumed it would recover,” he explained, with a wry smile, “which does seems rather foolish now, when you say it out loud.”
Hopes that a home might have been found at The Horses Trust in Buckinghamshire were dashed when the Trust advised they were unable to accept donkeys.
“Blessed are they …who convert their neighbour’s ox, for they shall inhibit their girth …and to them only shall be given– to them only… shall… be… given…”
Jeremy Corbyn has relaunched Labour as an electoral force by calling for an end to coherent policy making and representing the views of Remainers such as, for example, sixty-five per cent of Labour voters.
“Labour now stands for the values of not being wedded to policies and mis-speaking,” he said in a landmark speech. “Let me be perfectly unclear and then let me be so again on the Today programme and again on World at One and maybe even Sky News.” Continue reading
The Stone had to be clamped in place , after twice running away
Grey, dull and seemingly hewn from the solid, Labour’s massive election cock-up, Ed Miliband has cost his Party’s election Stone dearly.
In the wake of the Electoral Commission’s £20,000 fine, Labour’s Stone has spoken for the first time about its 2015 election humiliation.
“My role was to be in the background, a solid, yet effectively blank canvass, against which party policies might be clearly outlined by a human.” Continue reading
Taking one for the team.
Casting aside his opponent’s offer of a role as party president, Mr Corbyn has told Owen Smith that when, sorry if, he is re-elected as party leader, his erstwhile challenger will be given a new honourary position of his own; that of dominated rubber clad party bitch. Continue reading
The first bearded shadow front bench MP since Ann Widdecombe.
In a bid to kick UK political stability firmly in the nuts while the country tries to recover from an unusually bad bout of stupid; the Parliamentary Labour Party has decided that it can’t allow Jeremy Corbyn to remain as its most popular leader in a generation.
“There’s no room for selfless demonstrations of moral integrity in the modern Labour Party” said former shadow foreign secretary and twatfumbling cumblanket Hilary Benn. Continue reading
“Incredibly, he even boasted about it,” says George Osborne
Media attention was diverted away from the Mossack Fonseca revelations today, following a leak of information from the UK Treasury Office which appears to implicate a former Labour Chancellor in what George Osborne described as the ‘biggest financial scam ever’.
“Gordon Brown siphoned off millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money into a secret tax haven known only by its codename,” said a communiqué issued by the Treasury. “They called it The Public Purse.”
Jeremy Corbyn has hit the music scene with what critics say will be this year’s Christmas Number One.
A fabulous video now out of the kindly pensioner singing Happy Birthday Dear Katie has taken the UK by storm.
Harold media analyst Dr Lizzie Phillips says ‘out-of-tune’ is the new black. “He’s very popular. I’d definitely put a fiver on him winning X-factor.”
The video was tastefully shot in Cockermouth, showing Jeremy and Katie hugging in the cold air, surrounded by festive sand-bags.
Dr Kelly? Nope. That’ll be £60,000. £50,000 for cash
Former Prime Minister Tony Blair, suffers from advanced ‘dementia-like’ symptoms, including memory loss and delusions of grandeur, could not recall a Dr Kelly or why the UK went to war in Iraq and had little concept of a moral or political philosophy, medics have found.
“You don’t need a weatherman…”
David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.
Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.
“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.
Filed under bombs, environment, Europe, floods, ice, International News, Labour, Nature, Politics, War, Weather
Excuse me while I let this off…
Prime Minister Cameron has sent all MPs back to their homes and constituencies this weekend with clear instructions to examine their own consciences about the exciting prospect of bombing the shit out of Syria.
“It’s diplomatic language,” explained a spokesman for Number Ten. “Most of the male members [of The Commons] haven’t got a clue how to think straight and reason with logic, especially if they try to fit it in while watching Match of the Day.
“Their wives, on the other hand, have very clear views, often expressed in a tone of voice that obviates the need for further discussion, while cooking dinner, sorting the laundry, helping the kids with their homework and planning the Christmas seating arrangements.”
“Hopefully,” he concluded, “they’ll all come back here on Monday morning, eager to toe the line, or risk hanging their members [their penises] out to dry for the foreseeable future.”
Caliphate of Ultra Nationalist Terrorists in Syria
David Cameron is expected to table an urgent commons vote this week to decide the next name to give to the terror group, formally known as ISIL.
The terrorist organization has undergone a series of radical name changes over the last 3 years as their PR machine struggles to find a universally acceptable brand. Continue reading
For Sale: Large public relations disaster inscribed with unconvincing and non specific half promises.
Would make the perfect gift for the former shadow chancellor in your life as he prepares for his new job as a landscape gardener, or simply to use as a swimming aid.
One previous owner. Selling due to lack of conviction and revised career plans. £9.00 ovno.
The Conservative party received a massive boost to its election chances today as Tony Blair came out in support of Labour’s Ed Miliband.
The two parties had been running neck and neck in the polls, but following the former Prime Minster’s announcement, the Conservatives’ “Blair bump” saw them race to an impressive 99% lead over Labour.
“Sometimes you just get lucky,” admitted a grinning David Cameron, speaking to journalists while taking a break from painting victory banners and measuring bunting. “Miliband must be gutted, the poor sod. ‘Tony’s unqualified admiration and support’ – what an absolute disaster for anyone.” Continue reading
Ed Milliband needs to win at least 67 more seats to get into Downing Street
Labour has a fight on its hands to win the General Election, as it needs to gain 67 MPs to get an overall majority.
Ed Miliband will be hoping to win back many of the seats the party lost in 2010, and will also need to take some big scalps to get into Downing Street. Continue reading