“Not how I remember the wheat fields”
As members of her cabinet withdraw to pursue new opportunities and sharpen their knives, Theresa May has drafted in ex SAS tough guy Bear Grylls to help her survive.
“Bear has unparalleled experience in self-rescue, protection and combat. His knowledge of inhospitable terrain, and his ability to stomach lugworms is going to be essential as the Brexit negotiations enter this openly aggressive stage” said a Downing Street source. “The Prime Minister believes she can hold out for a good few months at Number Ten with Bear by her side.”
Characteristically sincere smile
Chris Grayling says 24th June is a symbolic date to take over East Coast Rail and celebrate the anniversary of the EU referendum.
“During the referendum, we promised to start taking back control on 24th June and this is me delivering on that pledge” said Grayling adding, with characteristic sincerity, “I think you’ll agree we didn’t say which year. Or what we’d be taking control of.”
Mr Grayling has drawn on his experience as Justice Minister, where he developed the principles of selling off utilities for private profit. “The naysayers said it wouldn’t work but I’m not stupid.” he chuckled “The contracts allowed the government to bail out any contracts that ran into trouble. So it actually worked very well.”
“My work for … err with G4S and the tagging schemes taught me what I needed to know about bailing out railway companies and I can guarantee as soon as this railway thing is back into profit I’ll get those contracts out to tender again. That’s one in the eye for the EU, eh?”
‘Everyone needs someone to look up to – for me it’s me’
Jacob Rees-Mogg thinks if David Davis’ team was more upbeat they’d be more successful, in the same way that Kyle Edmund would have beaten Marin Čilić in straight sets if he’d just been a bit more positive. “That’s how things work”, he said.
Embodiment of all that’s wrong with inherited wealth, MP Rees-Mogg did nothing else but shuffle cash around, before landing a plum Tory seat but now likes to spend his time counting his private income and telling everyone else what they should think, Continue reading
Hammond slips the bill into Cameron’s pocket.
Tory Chancellor Philip Hammond may be dreaming up secret plans to get former PM and Chief Engineer of National Division David Cameron to cough up for his treachery and pay the Brexit Bill in full on behalf of the UK people.
“It’s all very well Cameron saying Oh sorry, that didn’t go to plan, byeee,” Hammond told Mrs May, “but he still has to take his share of the responsibility, which is…” pausing to consult his calculator, “one hundred percent of it.”
The Evening Harold has gained access to the first draft of the Prime Minister’s Article 50-triggering ‘Dear Jean’ letter, reproduced here as a world exclusive.
There is no easy way to say this, but it’s time we split up and went our separate ways.
It’s not you, it’s 52% of me.
I need some time on my own without the worries of ongoing strained relationships with close union countries.
I’d like to remain friends if we can, even better if we could be “friends with benefits” maybe get together regularly in the next few years in order to fuck each other over?
Remember, there are plenty more fish in the sea (as long as you have the correct territorial and correctly ratified multi border EU council fisheries agreement, and you must throw back half of the ones you catch anyway).
Yours as ever in splendid isolation,
Definitely better than Gove or Farage
Britains prefers Baldrick to handle Brexit negotiations, rather than any Tory or Labour politician, according to an overnight poll.
Given the options of May, Davis, Corbyn, Farage, or Baldrick, respondents overwhelmingly chose Baldrick as ‘at least he has a f*cking plan, which is more than you can say for the rest of the slimy lizards’.
Details of Baldrick’s plan are sketchy, but it is believed to be ‘a plan so cunning, you could pin Michael Gove on it, and call it a weasel’.
The Brexit vote means element Eu must be removed from the periodic table in Britain, according to Nigel Farage.
“The people have spoken and the 63rd element Eu must go. There is already substantial pressure building up, with new elements such as 115, 116 and 117 entering the periodic table without any attempt whatsoever to stop them at the border.”
“The problem is there could be no end to these additions, leading to overcrowding and instability. We need to ensure the periodic table is primarily reserved for British elements, such as H and O, and whatever beer is made of” said Farage.
Not exactly smallprint
Evil Brexit henchman Iain Duncan Smith has expressed amazement at the existence of a massive slogan on his battlebus promising to spend £350 million per week on the NHS, insisting he “never noticed it before”.
The Brexit campaign’s battlebus, outside which the former work and pensions secretary was frequently photographed, featured the slogan: “We send the EU £350 million a week – let’s fund our NHS instead.”
Vote Leave also issued posters reading: “Let’s give our NHS the £350m the EU takes every week”, and Duncan Smith himself frequently ripped off his shirt during the campain to reveal a giant tattoo covering his chest with the same message.
Despite these apparently convincing facts, Duncan Smith remained adamant that he knew nothing about it.
The enormous NHS pledge tattooed over half his body was actually an unusual birthmark, he insisted, and he’d assumed the giant white letters on his bus were the result of vandals.
“Oh, THAT giant white slogan!” he announced, when it was pointed out that he was standing in front of it. “I see what you mean now.”
“Probably kids, spray-painting ridiculous stuff like that all over a nice bus. Whoever did it should be ashamed – ruining something perfectly good just for their own twisted pleasure.”
“I wonder if they want a place on the team?”
The first bearded shadow front bench MP since Ann Widdecombe.
In a bid to kick UK political stability firmly in the nuts while the country tries to recover from an unusually bad bout of stupid; the Parliamentary Labour Party has decided that it can’t allow Jeremy Corbyn to remain as its most popular leader in a generation.
“There’s no room for selfless demonstrations of moral integrity in the modern Labour Party” said former shadow foreign secretary and twatfumbling cumblanket Hilary Benn. Continue reading
‘An orderly queue please, no pushing’
A few months after Brexit, Britain First member Gavin Mitchell is still patiently waiting for the job and girlfriend that must surely come now the UK is an immigrant-free paradise.
“To be honest, I’m a bit baffled why I’m still unemployed now we’ve given the heave-ho to those foreigners who’ve stolen our jobs. But I guess it takes a bit of time to sack those foreign doctors, and I’ll get the call up to replace them as soon as the paperwork is completed” said Mr Mitchell.
OK, you first.
The country has reacted with bitter disappointment this morning to discover on waking that Nigel Farage is for some reason still in existence.
“Leaving Europe will bugger up our country for generations,” explained Evening Harold business editor Piers Waghorn, “But if there was one faint silver lining to this massive turd cloud it was that Farage should logically cease to be.”
“What’s he thinking? Why does he still exist? By now he should be a bad memory, not a living breathing arsepipe.”
The millions who voted to Leave the EU have also all expressed disappointment, explaining that the only reason they did it was to get rid of Farage once and for all.
“We realise the country will sink into recession and England is now the most despised nation on Earth,” admitted a spokesperson for the 52%.
“But it seemed worth it on the assumption that UKIP would disappear. We feel cheated.”
However, speaking to journalists, Farage insisted that his work was far from complete.
“On one level, I’ve ruined the country, it’s true. But there’s so much more to do. Have you got a swimming pool? Well do you go to one? Good, I’m going to piss in it. Then I’ll let down your tyres. Then I’m off to Tesco’s to touch all the fruit.”
“With my cock.”
“An arsehole’s work is never done!”
See *that* exit? I’m going through it asap
David Cameron has told Britain that somebody else can deal with all of the shit that will come from leaving the EU, because he is not having it.
“Every economic forecaster said what would happen in the event of a vote to Leave, but you chose to believe Nigel Farage instead.” said Cameron, already packing his Margaret Thatcher memorabilia into a cardboard box.
“Falling stocks, a nosedive for the pound, early warnings of job losses from business, but that’s ok apparently, because you were made vague promises about immigration and the NHS. Well you can deal with it your fucking selves.”
The clue’s on your hat, George…
Unexpected awkwardness was growing in the Conservative party this afternoon as it became apparent that chancellor George Osborne hasn’t yet realised that he is required to resign just as much as David Cameron.
In a buttock-clenchingly embarrassing display of obliviousness, Osborne has signalled his readiness to roll up his sleeves and begin work on economic adaptation to the new realities, tweeting “It is not the outcome I wanted but I respect decision of British people and will do all I can to make it work”.
“We just haven’t got the heart to tell him,” admitted a party spokesperson. “He’s all keen to get going, he doesn’t seem to have any idea that his political life expectancy is about three milliseconds longer than his mate Dave’s.”
“It’s a bit like one of those chickens still blissfully running around after its head’s been cut off, only more awkward. And with less chicken.”
And you, and you, and you…
Nigel Farage has taken a moment’s break from his loathsome victory writhings to clarify the Leave campaign’s promise to divert an alleged £350 million per day into the National Health Service.
“That was all bollocks,” he explained. “You see, we said that so that people would vote for us, but it isn’t true.”
“For a start, it isn’t actually £350 million. That was made up. We do pay into the EU, but we get most of it back. But that wouldn’t have made you vote for us.”
“The other thing, about giving the money to the NHS, that was what we in politics call a ‘lie’. We hate the NHS, we’re going to sell it to evil American corporations and deny all health care to poor people.”
“So it wouldn’t make sense to give it money, would it? Come on, be serious.”
“Anyway, today is a great day for democracy.”
“And to further clarify, when I say that, what I mean is – ‘you’re all fucked’. Thanks for listening!”
‘Should be plenty’
News that the Zimbabwean dollar appreciated 1,483,000% against the pound has generated a flurry of inquiries at Harare travel agents.
“I’ve always wanted to visit Britain but having to save 4,945 years salary to afford the airfare and hotel put me off” said Henry Mallari. “But now I can pay for the holiday with loose change I found behind the couch.”
Having sexy time with a pig is now the second most embarrassing thing to happen to David Cameron, with leaving his child in the pub relegated to 3rd place.
“I’ve set the bar high, but this is really, really embarrassing” said Cameron. “And it will only get worse, do I really have to congratulate Boris and Nigel?”
Trust me, I was a commodities trader
UKIP’s leader has clarified that, after a Leave vote, all the good things about the EU will carry on because it’s only the bad things that will disappear.
“May I give you an analogy?” roared Farage, adding, without a pause “It’s like a divorce. The jilted one won’t shred the contents of their partner’s wardrobe and scatter the smoking remnants in the front garden. Or leave his classic vinyl collection in the microwave.” Continue reading
David Cameron says he hadn’t want to unduly alarm voters, so previously he’d just warned that Brexit would lead to a complete economic collapse and World War III, but the cruel reality is that a ‘leave vote’ means the public could lose the best and most loved Prime Minister and Chancellor they’d ever had.
“I know the affection in which George and I are held by the British people, and it doesn’t bear thinking about how upset people will be if we lose our jobs” explained Cameron. “There’ll be wailing in the streets, teeth will be gnashed.”
Is that you’re best shot, you pussy? My mother has a stronger grip.
Islamic State have hit back in the row between David Cameron and Boris Johnson over the terror threat level. Cameron says leaving the EU will make the UK more vulnerable; Johnson says the opposite.
“Praise the Lord, Brexit or not to Brexit makes no f*cking difference,” said ISIS in a Tweet translated by Google.