Category Archives: EU referendum

Britain ready to give Baldrick’s cunning plan a go

Definitely better than Gove or Farage

Definitely better than Gove or Farage

Britains prefers Baldrick to handle Brexit negotiations, rather than any Tory or Labour politician, according to an overnight poll.

Given the options of May, Gove, Corbyn, Eagle, Farage, or Baldrick, respondents overwhelmingly chose Baldrick as ‘at least he has a f*cking plan, which is more than you can say for the rest of the slimy lizards’.

Details of Baldrick’s plan are sketchy, but it is believed to be ‘a plan so cunning, you could pin Michael Gove on it, and call it a weasel’.
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Farage demands element Eu be removed from periodic table

EuThe Brexit vote means element Eu must be removed from the periodic table in Britain, according to Nigel Farage.

“The people have spoken and the 63rd element Eu must go. There is already substantial pressure building up, with new elements such as 115, 116 and 117 entering the periodic table without any attempt whatsoever to stop them at the border.”

“The problem is there could be no end to these additions, leading to overcrowding and instability. We need to ensure the periodic table is primarily reserved for British elements, such as H and O, and whatever beer is made of” said Farage.
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Duncan Smith ‘never noticed’ giant £350 million NHS pledge on bus

IDS

Not exactly smallprint

Evil Brexit henchman Iain Duncan Smith has expressed amazement at the existence of a massive slogan on his battlebus promising to spend £350 million per week on the NHS, insisting he “never noticed it before”.

The Brexit campaign’s battlebus, outside which the former work and pensions secretary was frequently photographed, featured the slogan: “We send the EU £350 million a week – let’s fund our NHS instead.”

Vote Leave also issued posters reading: “Let’s give our NHS the £350m the EU takes every week”, and Duncan Smith himself frequently ripped off his shirt during the campain to reveal a giant tattoo covering his chest with the same message.

Despite these apparently convincing facts, Duncan Smith remained adamant that he knew nothing about it.

The enormous NHS pledge tattooed over half his body was actually an unusual birthmark, he insisted, and he’d assumed the giant white letters on his bus were the result of vandals.

“Oh, THAT giant white slogan!” he announced, when it was pointed out that he was standing in front of it. “I see what you mean now.”

“Probably kids, spray-painting ridiculous stuff like that all over a nice bus. Whoever did it should be ashamed – ruining something perfectly good just for their own twisted pleasure.”

“I wonder if they want a place on the team?”

 

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Labour Party Support For Coxit Up

image_0_0

The first bearded shadow front bench MP since Ann Widdecombe.

In a bid to kick UK political stability firmly in the nuts while the country tries to recover from an unusually bad bout of stupid; the Parliamentary Labour Party has decided that it can’t allow Jeremy Corbyn to remain as its most popular leader in a generation.

“There’s no room for selfless demonstrations of moral integrity in the modern Labour Party” said former shadow foreign secretary and twatfumbling cumblanket Hilary Benn. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, EU referendum, Independence referendum, Labour, News, Politics, Tony Blair

Britain First member confused why he still has no job or girlfriend after Brexit

'An orderly queue please, no pushing'

‘An orderly queue please, no pushing’

A few months after Brexit, Britain First member Gavin Mitchell is still patiently waiting for the job and girlfriend that must surely come now the UK is an immigrant-free paradise.

“To be honest, I’m a bit baffled why I’m still unemployed now we’ve given the heave-ho to those foreigners who’ve stolen our jobs. But I guess it takes a bit of time to sack those foreign doctors, and I’ll get the call up to replace them as soon as the paperwork is completed” said Mr Mitchell.
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Farage still here

Farage_lets_go

OK, you first.

The country has reacted with bitter disappointment this morning to discover on waking that Nigel Farage is for some reason still in existence.

“Leaving Europe will bugger up our country for generations,” explained Evening Harold business editor Piers Waghorn, “But if there was one faint silver lining to this massive turd cloud it was that Farage should logically cease to be.”

“What’s he thinking? Why does he still exist? By now he should be a bad memory, not a living breathing arsepipe.”

The millions who voted to Leave the EU have also all expressed disappointment, explaining that the only reason they did it was to get rid of Farage once and for all.

“We realise the country will sink into recession and England is now the most despised nation on Earth,” admitted a spokesperson for the 52%.

“But it seemed worth it on the assumption that UKIP would disappear. We feel cheated.”

However, speaking to journalists, Farage insisted that his work was far from complete.

“On one level, I’ve ruined the country, it’s true. But there’s so much more to do. Have you got a swimming pool? Well do you go to one? Good, I’m going to piss in it. Then I’ll let down your tyres. Then I’m off to Tesco’s to touch all the fruit.”

“With my cock.”

“An arsehole’s work is never done!”

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‘You voted for this shit, you deal with it’ Cameron tells Britain

See *that* exit? I'm going through it asap

See *that* exit? I’m going through it asap

David Cameron has told Britain that somebody else can deal with all of the shit that will come from leaving the EU, because he is not having it.

“Every economic forecaster said what would happen in the event of a vote to Leave, but you chose to believe Nigel Farage instead.” said Cameron, already packing his Margaret Thatcher memorabilia into a cardboard box.

“Falling stocks, a nosedive for the pound, early warnings of job losses from business, but that’s ok apparently, because you were made vague promises about immigration and the NHS. Well you can deal with it your fucking selves.”

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Awkwardness as Osborne hasn’t realised he’s for the chop too

osborne

The clue’s on your hat, George…

Unexpected awkwardness was growing in the Conservative party this afternoon as it became apparent that chancellor George Osborne hasn’t yet realised that he is required to resign just as much as David Cameron.

In a buttock-clenchingly embarrassing display of obliviousness, Osborne has signalled his readiness to roll up his sleeves and begin work on economic adaptation to the new realities, tweeting “It is not the outcome I wanted but I respect decision of British people and will do all I can to make it work”.

“We just haven’t got the heart to tell him,” admitted a party spokesperson. “He’s all keen to get going, he doesn’t seem to have any idea that his political life expectancy is about three milliseconds longer than his mate Dave’s.”

“It’s a bit like one of those chickens still blissfully running around after its head’s been cut off, only more awkward. And with less chicken.”

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When we said an extra £350 million a day for the NHS, we actually meant ‘f*ck you’, clarifies Farage

farage

And you, and you, and you…

Nigel Farage has taken a moment’s break from his loathsome victory writhings to clarify the Leave campaign’s promise to divert an alleged £350 million per day into the National Health Service.

“That was all bollocks,” he explained. “You see, we said that so that people would vote for us, but it isn’t true.”

“For a start, it isn’t actually £350 million. That was made up. We do pay into the EU, but we get most of it back. But that wouldn’t have made you vote for us.”

“The other thing, about giving the money to the NHS, that was what we in politics call a ‘lie’. We hate the NHS, we’re going to sell it to evil American corporations and deny all health care to poor people.”

“So it wouldn’t make sense to give it money, would it? Come on, be serious.”

“Anyway, today is a great day for democracy.”

“And to further clarify, when I say that, what I mean is – ‘you’re all fucked’. Thanks for listening!”

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Zimbabweans delighted at prospect of cheap UK holiday

'Should be plenty'

‘Should be plenty’

News that the Zimbabwean dollar appreciated 1,483,000% against the pound has generated a flurry of inquiries at Harare travel agents.

“I’ve always wanted to visit Britain but having to save 4,945 years salary to afford the airfare and hotel put me off” said Henry Mallari. “But now I can pay for the holiday with loose change I found behind the couch.”
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Entering a pig now second most embarrassing thing to happen to David Cameron

CameronHaving sexy time with a pig is now the second most embarrassing thing to happen to David Cameron, with leaving his child in the pub relegated to 3rd place.

“I’ve set the bar high, but this is really, really embarrassing” said Cameron. “And it will only get worse, do I really have to congratulate Boris and Nigel?”
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Public now nostalgic for when the news, social media was all celebrity deaths

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

The dreadful sequence of deaths of much-loved musicians, comedians and actors that saw in the year now looks like a golden age of feel-good news against the nightly horror show the public suffer now, says everyone.

As sad as it was to lose Bowie, Rickman, Wogan and Wood, there was a sense of gladness for having known them and their work which is completely absent from the current onslaught of unadulterated misery.

And as a bewildering bonfire of hatred and rage threatens to engulf their Facebook timelines, people are longing for a return to the simple times when all they had to do was tweet about how sad they are that a singer has died.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, breaking news, Entertainment, EU referendum, Europe, Facebook, Law and Order, News, Nostalgia, Obituary, Showbusiness, Social media, Society, USA

Farage on Brexit “we’ll lose the bad stuff & keep all the good bits, we’re not mad.”

pub_landlord_farage

Trust me, I was a commodities trader

UKIP’s leader has clarified that, after a Leave vote, all the good things about the EU will carry on because it’s only the bad things that will disappear.

“May I give you an analogy?” roared Farage, adding, without a pause “It’s like a divorce. The jilted one won’t shred the contents of their partner’s wardrobe and scatter the smoking remnants in the front garden. Or leave his classic vinyl collection in the microwave.” Continue reading

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Osborne warns Brexit will restrict access to cutting-edge German bondage gear

Osborne says Brexit threatens the simplest pleasures

Osborne says Brexit threatens the simplest pleasures

George Osborne says leaving the EU will make it harder for the average British Cabinet Minister to buy the German sex toys they take for granted.

Chancellor Osborne said soaring tariffs on common everyday items such as studded dog collars, rubber underpants, and full-body gimp suits, would force people to make the tough choice between living the life of perversion they were accustomed too, and keeping that second home.
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‘Brexit means George and I will lose our jobs’, warns Cameron

cameron-osborneDavid Cameron says he hadn’t want to unduly alarm voters, so previously he’d just warned that Brexit would lead to a complete economic collapse and World War III, but the cruel reality is that a ‘leave vote’ means the public could lose the best and most loved Prime Minister and Chancellor they’d ever had.

“I know the affection in which George and I are held by the British people, and it doesn’t bear thinking about how upset people will be if we lose our jobs” explained Cameron. “There’ll be wailing in the streets, teeth will be gnashed.”
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Cameron and Johnson both wrong about terror threat, say ISIS

borisdave2

Is that you’re best shot, you pussy? My mother has a stronger grip.

Islamic State have hit back in the row between David Cameron and Boris Johnson over the terror threat level. Cameron says leaving the EU will make the UK more vulnerable; Johnson says the opposite.

“Praise the Lord, Brexit or not to Brexit makes no f*cking difference,” said ISIS in a Tweet translated by Google.

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New theme park ‘En-Ger-Land’ may open in 2020

farage_braying

“En-Ger-Land, En-Ger-Land, En-Ger-Land… oh and Scotland too”

En-Ger-Land, a fantasy theme park which could encompass the entire country by 2020, may undermine prospects for a UK version of ‘Disneyland’ due to open in Kent the following year.

A company spokesperson, Mr Farage, explained how, if the shareholders give the go-ahead on 23rd June, he will start work the next day. “We’ll be rolling out traditional village pubs across the country; with jolly landlords reminiscing about a better time when no one was black or gay Continue reading

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Part-Kenyan Obama’s ancestral hatred of Britain ‘tip of the iceberg’ says new report

Is this some kind of bust?

Is this some kind of bust?

Obama’s removal of the Churchill bust from the Oval Office confirmed, as Boris Johnson pointed out in his article for The Sun newspaper, that he carries the anti-Brit gene inherited from his Kenyan side, but a new report suggests that this is just the latest in a long line of US Presidents unable to think or act rationally due to dodgy DNA.

The damning report slammed several post-war US presidents, and if speculations are to be believed, what they could have done to the Churchill statue behind closed doors makes what Obama did look pale by comparison.

Dwight Eisenhower – or to give his surname its proper spelling ‘Eisenhauer’ – was of course part German, a country with whom Britain has seldom been allies. Therefore, the report claims, he almost definitely carried the anti-UK mutation, even if he was not aware of it. Despite their good relationship in real life, some suggest that in private, Eisenhower could have made fun of our nation’s greatest leader by making the statue eat sauerkraut or sausages with mustard on.

Fast forward to the sixties and we find part-Irish John F. Kennedy in the Whitehouse. The report points out that the Irish ancestral hatred of Britain is second-to-none, and it is thought that while praising Churchill in public, it is most likely Kennedy allowed his many mistresses to give him oral sex in full view of Britain’s war-time PM’s disapproving statue eyes.

Another part-Irish chief executive, Bill Clinton, is likely to have done even worse, maybe full sex, or anal, and Clinton’s now-infamous ‘cigar incident’ could well have been a direct mocking reference to Churchill’s fondness for smoking them in his tight-lipped yet moist, yielding mouth.

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Gove and Johnson warn of terrifying ‘leap into the known’ if Britain stays in EU

The safe option?

Following a week in which sensible people everywhere advised Britain not to balls things up by leaving the EU, the leading figures in the “Leave” campaign have insisted that by not changing anything, the country risks a disastrous “leap into the known”.

“No-one can predict what could happen if we leave things exactly as they are,” insisted justice secretary and evil muppet Michael Gove.

“By not changing our entire economic and political system, we have no idea just what the consequences could be.”

“Imagine a world where you woke up and things were exactly like they were this morning, except without me banging on. It’s too scary to contemplate.”

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UKIP supporter campaigns against EU by invading Poland

massive_bellend

Massive bell-end

A UKIP supporter has invaded Poland as part of a misguided attempt to campaign against the European Union, it has emerged.

Cab driver Timothy ‘Twatty’ Miller has been slammed for hiring a tank and encroaching into Polish territory, in a mystifying bid to make the point that he was angry about something.

Miller, 99, claimed the invasion is a symbol of “freedom and democracy” and hopes it will encourage floating voters to opt for Brexit in the upcoming EU referendum. No, really.

Police interviewed Mr Miller, pointing out to him that while it was not necessarily illegal to drive a tank, he was nonetheless in grave danger of making himself look like a massive fucking bell-end.

Miller denied he was a fascist, saying: “People want to read that I’m anti-semitic but that is not the truth.”

“The truth is that I’m a massive fucking bell-end.”

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