Remind us, which one’s Dumber?
Boris Johnson has flown to America to star with Donald Trump in the new Dumb and Dumber movie, sources confirmed today.
The movie, titled Dumb and Dumber 4 – Trump and Trumper will tell the story of two unintelligent friends from who set out on a cross-country trip to return a briefcase full of stolen votes to their rightful owner, only to be pursued by a group of Russian hackers.
“The pair’s childish antics will have everyone in stitches, as we all marvel at how two adult human beings could be so relentlessly stupid,” said a spokesperson.
“Then they’ll start filming the movie.”
Two little toys out of shot
Relieved Republican Party officials have finally persuaded a musician to perform at Donald Trump’s Presidential Inauguration – the well-loved Australian chart-topper Rolf Harris.
GOP insiders had been increasingly nervous that no top-ranking stars would agree to take part, after angry refusals from everyone who’s been on television in the last 70 years.
Absolutely everyone famous you’ve ever heard of respectfully declined their invitation to attend the ceremony, explaining that they had a sore throat, scheduling difficulties, and they thought Trump was an asshole.
Fortunately, the terms of Rolf’s open prison meant he was able to step in at short notice, ensuring Trump’s supporters would get the kind of entertainment they deserve.
It is believed that the star will be performing a set packed with favourites, including Two Little Boys, Tie me Kangaroo Down Sport, and I’m Jake the Peg (Grab them by the Pussy).
There have of course been concerns that associating with such an unpleasant character might be bad publicity, but Rolf is said to be fairly relaxed about this, provided Trump doesn’t get too close.
“First things first though” said Rudd “Is it inquiry or enquiry?”
The Home Secretary is to launch an inquiry, into why the head of the inquiry into why heads of inquiries resign, has resigned.
With inquiries into inquiries consuming an increasingly large proportion of the Home Office budget, a concerned Amber Rudd spoke yesterday. “We need to put a brake on it soon and I hope this new inquiry should do the job for us”.
“Otherwise the Chancellor might well order an inquiry into the costs of the bloody things.” Continue reading
Your child may be a Doctor in 25 years. Start talking to her in English
A small child has successfully developed language skills even though adults insist on talking to her in some form of Teletubbish.
In only a few weeks, nine-month old Ellie Reynolds from Harold has upped her game, from blowing bubbles simultaneously via nostrils and mouth, to forming coherent sentences with nouns, verbs, and those ‘ad…’ things you didn’t pay attention to at school. Continue reading
biscuit crumbs on the floor every morning were a clue
A ten-year old Harold boy, described by Police as being ‘unusually focused and competitive’, had been living in his toy cupboard for three years, after going missing on a particularly wet Bank Holiday weekend.
Giles Baker was found shortly after his parents moved home. The new occupants, disturbed by the disappearance of Müller Corners and Dairylea cheese slices from the fridge, considered calling in a priest but eventually left a trail of Snack Size Mars bars and trapped “an earnest looking boy” in the conservatory. Continue reading
Apparently one of these once saw an apple
After researchers discovered that a typical child’s smoothie contains eight tons of sugar, the food industry has reacted swiftly, claiming that sugar, being originally from some kind of plant, should count towards your healthy 5 a day.
Children’s fruit drinks usually have packaging featuring cartoon animals and slogans like “WILL NOT MAKE YOU FAT”, and many parents believe these are healthier than other drinks like cola, lemonade or sherry.
However, food scientists have discovered that many of these beverages are actually just bottles full of dry sugar painted orange, and the health benefits may therefore have been exaggerated.
Gavin Behemoth of the British Soft Drinks Association insisted that the ‘drinks’ were actually healthy:
“Sugar is a plant, like lettuce. And after a dab of paint, it’s the same colour. What more proof do you need? I’ve personally been drinking these delicious beverages for years, and look at me. 38 stone, terminal diabetes, and both my legs have dropped off.”
Following a plea from doctors to ban tackling in school rugby on safety grounds, a group of academics has also called on the government to stop children’s human cannonball lessons.
The pastime, which has a near 100% fatality rate, is very popular among some parents and teachers, who say it builds character and is the only way of getting rid of the little bastards.
Rules vary across different parts of the country, but participants are generally loaded into a large cannon and fired at a tiny net some way away. Ofsted have complained that many schools are missing their targets.
Doctors warn that ‘high-impact’ activities like this can cause injuries including fractures, ligamentous tears and dislocated shoulders, although the main cause of death is usually simple ‘flattening’.
Johnny Angry, a PE teacher and father of nine at St Foolhardy’s School for Boys in the village of Harold – where human cannonball is compulsory from the age of 11 – says it provides a challenge.
What’s wrong with this picture?
The Headteacher who insisted that evolution wasn’t real has given further proof of her intellectual ability by announcing that the planet Earth moves through space on the back of a giant tortoise.
Christina Blinkerson, head of a primary school in Lancashire, claimed on Twitter that evolution was just “a theory”.
Wilkinson spouted: “Evolution is not a fact. That’s why it’s called a theory! There’s more evidence that the Bible is true. I’ve read it in a book.”
As if this were not enough to disqualify her from ever being allowed to speak to schoolchildren again, she followed up by expanding on her beliefs of something she called the “Great Tortoise”, which she had read in her other book.
“It’s true!” she spluttered over social media. “A huge tortoise, carrying the Earth through the heavens! And there’s something about elephants, but I can’t remember that bit.”
He’ll huff and he’ll puff … oh, hold on, that’s the other one
Harold resident Carol Mutter has put her home on the market just 6 weeks after moving in, following sightings of a “ghostly monster” in her son’s nursery.
The property, which sadly for Carol has no mysterious past, was a new build when Carol bought it. Thinking she had found the perfect home for herself and her 9 month old son, Jeremy, Carol soon became aware of a supernatural presence.
“At first I thought I was just imagining things” said Carol. “Sometimes I would be woken in the early hours of the morning by a crying noise. Other times I would leave Jeremy with his dinner, only to find it had been flung about the room when my back was turned. This one time, he even ended up with spaghetti all over his head, that really freaked me out.”
This much clue
Health Secretary Jeremy “Rash” Hunt, who told parents to have a look on Google to check their children’s meningitis symptoms, has helpfully pointed out that the search engine will also provide links to a wide range of undertakers once his initial advice has been followed.
Admitting that paying for fewer doctors had unexpectedly resulted in fewer doctors to do the diagnosy stuff, Hunt drew on his years of medical experience to say: “look at photographs and say ‘my child’s rash looks like this one’.”
It was pointed out that the same parents would soon be likely to be looking at photographs of dead meningitis victims and saying: “My child’s corpse also looks like this one”, but Hunt was undeterred.
The official NHS Choices website inconveniently states that with skin rashes in children “You should always see a GP for a proper diagnosis”, but this cuts little ice with the great Hunt.
“Should the inevitable unfortunately occur,” he explained, “parents are likely to still have their browser open on Google, so checking for a local undertaker who stocks smaller size coffins should take but a moment.”
A spokesperson for the National Association of Funeral Directors said they were “very grateful, if a little freaked out” by Hunt’s statements.
“You in the track suit bottoms, yes you. Vote conservative.”
David Cameron has confirmed that his Life Chances Strategy for tackling child poverty must focus on parenting skills and completely ignore the effects of his own policies.
“If we waste time finding why there’s half a million more children in poverty since I became Prime Minister,” Mr Cameron joked with journalists “we’d have precious few resources left to tackle the real issue, which is teaching your kids to vote conservative.”
The childish elements among us
The world of science was plunged into embarrassment today after sharp-eyed schoolchildren spotted that the symbols for the newly-discovered chemical elements, when seen on the Periodic Table, spell out the words: “BIG BOOBIES”.
The chance of these elements just happening to be named like this – Bi, Gb, Oob and Ies – seems so remote that red-faced heads of research at the world’s leading laboratories admit that it might not be entirely an accident.
Although the new elements were discovered and named by separate teams in different countries, there is a theory that the various scientists involved might just have got together and chosen names that spelled out BIG BOOBIES deliberately. Continue reading
Local police today urged parents in the village of Harold to be “ever so careful” to keep their offspring from walking on cracks in the pavement, after an 80% increase in paving-related bear attacks.
“There seems to be a general lack of appreciation of the risks presented by the current crack-stepping craze’ warned Bear Prevention Officer James James Morrison-Morrison. ‘We can only urge greater vigilance by parents; young people are all too ready to experiment with crack-stepping, bringing with it tragic consequences. The sillies.”
On a day of stark warnings for Harold’s youth, the police also issued fresh evidence of the dangers of swallowing chewing gum, showing that ingesters face a 90% chance of the gum wrapping itself around the heart, causing instant death.
“We need a concerted campaign of health education’ said PC Anita Flegg ‘our young people are treating serious health dangers as mere playground myths: only last week we had to remove a full sized apple tree from the stomach of young man who had accidentally swallowed a pip.”
“What a tosser.”
REVIEW BY HAROLD MUSIC CORRESPONDENT PIERS WAGHORN:
Parents attending last night’s “Christmas Kaleidoscope” concert at Harold Shining Future Academy (formerly Harold Comprehensive) were shocked to discover that after sitting through 90 minutes of excruciating toss, the very last song was actually one they recognised.
In a bid to give a modern flavour to the event and keep the children interested, a musical set was designed with barely any recognisable content at all.
A first glance at the programme (kindly printed by the local branch of Dyno-rod) gave no hint of the horrors to come.
Not this time, says Dave!
The government has explained that the decision to flatten Syria will not cause any of the disastrous problems usually associated with this sort of thing.
Anti-war campaigners, innocent Syrian people and other terrorist sympathisers had pleaded desperately that the inevitiable outcome of bombing would be a hellish nightmare on Earth, but these concerns have now been addressed directly by Prime Minister David Cameron. Continue reading
Filed under bombs, Children, War
Pooh – what’s that smell?
As staff at London’s Hunterian museum prepare to exhibit the skull of the original Pooh bear, other museums have begun trawling through their store rooms for similar grisly treasures.
A sad, broken figure.
Children everywhere have got together for a grand event on Friday to raise awareness of Terry Wogan, following the well-beloved national treasure’s recent back problems, which meant him being forced to pull out of something.
“Many people today don’t realise the plight of the Wogan today,” explained a child this morning. “That’s why we’re giving our time, to get up there, do a bit of good, give something back, you know?”
“Also, it’s great exposure. We’ve got a book coming out, and sales should go through the roof. To be honest, I couldn’t give a toss about the old git. Er, I mean keep dialling, listeners!”
‘I’m going to write to Watchdog, blah, blah, blahdy blah….’
Breaking with years of well established tradition Mrs Fiona Warburton of Harold managed to complain to EDF about the accuracy of her energy bills without once mentioning her elderly mother’s advanced Alzheimer’s or her daughter’s terminal leukaemia. Continue reading
Term time Disney – as empty as her education.
Children returning to school after term-time trips abroad could face a wall of silence around work they have missed while taking advantage of cheaper fares.
That’s the recommendation of teachers who see fines as ineffective against low- and middle-income parents who believe they have a right to go on discounted vacations in June that they couldn’t have afforded at summer market prices.
“Parents may think their children can catch up, or get the worksheets they missed – but if these measures are introduced, they will not even be informed what topics were covered while they were away. They won’t even know there is a 7-times table,” warned Carly Jeffery, assistant teacher at St. Mary’s primary school. Continue reading
Very advanced for her age.
A baby that was delivered and subsequently licked by Brian Blessed now possesses powers associated with the super-human actor.
The baby girl was freed from her mother after Blessed gnawed through her umbilical cord. And just 6 months later, she was sporting a full beard.
“I remember sitting under a tree, when my pregnancy began”, said mother Charlotte Twaddle. “And then moments later, Blessed was chomping at the bits.”
After Blessed licked the baby clean of the associated unpleasantness, the child crawled almost immediately, before taking to the air.