Author Archives: malgor

“April fool!” says Trump, withdrawing from election race

trumpthumbsup

“April Fools!” After keeping shtum for months, Donald can finally let his hair down and relax

Red-necked US citizens were left red-faced this morning after the sudden withdrawal of Donald Trump from the election race.

Dubbed the longest running build-up to an April Fool bombshell, the news left millions dumbstruck. Eventually, small pockets of people in isolated communities began to recover their composure.

“Hey, he didn’t fool us for one minute,” they said. “We was jes’ playin’ along n’all. We sure ain’t no bigoted racists, no sir, we was jes’ pretendin’.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on “April fool!” says Trump, withdrawing from election race

Filed under International News, News, Politics

“Studying chromosomes is in my DNA” claims 3rd-generation geneticist

DNA animation by brian0918™ via Wikimedia Commons

Twists and turns

Local amateur chromosome-enthusiast Brian Aubrey, whose father and grandfather both took a keen interest in genetics, has concluded that the driving force behind their common pastime must be in his DNA.

His hypothesis was published in this month’s edition of Naturist World.

“For editorial reasons, they changed the title to ‘DNA: The Bare Facts’ and preferred to illustrate the article with a photo of some rather healthy-looking women playing volley ball on a beach in Spain, which they said was more interesting than my diagram showing the distribution of chromosomes in a double helix.”

“The problem is finding an outlet for your research. It’s a highly competitive business and sometimes it’s necessary to resort to click-bait tactics to get your message out there.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on “Studying chromosomes is in my DNA” claims 3rd-generation geneticist

Filed under Around Harold, DNA, Families, Father's Day, Lifestyle, science, Troubled Families

Raft of exciting new features promised for Laws of Physics II

Happy New Year

Happy New Year

The long-awaited sequel to The Laws of Physics may be just around the corner – or, more accurately, the bend – say excited scientists at the Large Hadron Collider.

Following a massive upgrade of the CERN facility in 2015, Prof. Brian Cox has been speaking to Harold sustainable energy enthusiast Dr John Goody about the next generation of physics and the role of minuscule particles.

“There was a time when the Higgs was the smallest thing imaginable,” Prof. Cox told him, “but after a few more collisions, it turns out to be a relative galaxy compared with the teeny-weeny fragments we’ve now smashed it into. You know, some of these particles are almost as small as the level of funding British scientists get from the government.”

“The thing with these bits is that they’re so very tiny, they slip through the enforcement net of Standard Model Laws. But fortunately they are not the anarchists we originally thought but operate instead according to their own set of rather bizarre rules.”

Once classified as Mischievous Little Rogue Particles with a Rebellious Nature, it is now thought that they operate according to the Law of Utter Unpredictability, the so-called ‘British Weather Law’.

There is however a ‘dark’ side to the new physics.

“Some of these particles are pretty fundamental,” said Cox, “and we all know that any sort of fundamentalism can be a dangerous thing. Only last week we caught a bunch of naughty little quarks trying to set up an Independent State inside the vacuum left by a retreating photon. The more hawkish scientists were all for blasting them to smithereens, until someone pointed out that that was how they were created. In the end, we found that if we looked the other way and thought out about daisies and kittens, they simply ceased to exist.”

Dr Goody asked Prof. Cox whether electric cars will ever get off the ground.

“No,” said Cox, “but we can expect to see innovative products which will help us in our everyday lives, like this new kettle, for instance, which boils as soon as you start watching it. Ah, tea?”

Comments Off on Raft of exciting new features promised for Laws of Physics II

Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Intergalactic News, Law and Order, science, Space

Jeremy Corbyn launches singing career with sure-fire Christmas hit

So sweet

So sweet

Jeremy Corbyn has hit the music scene with what critics say will be this year’s Christmas Number One.

A fabulous video now out of the kindly pensioner singing Happy Birthday Dear Katie has taken the UK by storm.

Harold media analyst Dr Lizzie Phillips says ‘out-of-tune’ is the new black.  “He’s very popular.  I’d definitely put a fiver on him winning X-factor.”

The video was tastefully shot in Cockermouth, showing Jeremy and Katie hugging in the cold air, surrounded by festive sand-bags.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Jeremy Corbyn launches singing career with sure-fire Christmas hit

Filed under Christmas, Entertainment, floods, Labour, Movies, music, Tory sex scandal, Vicars, Weather

Tired Cameron calls for vote to change Syria’s climate.

"You don't need a weatherman..."

“You don’t need a weatherman…”

David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.

Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.

“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Tired Cameron calls for vote to change Syria’s climate.

Filed under bombs, environment, Europe, floods, ice, International News, Labour, Nature, Politics, War, Weather

Izal to re-launch as ‘Dash!’

Barbaric and medieval.

Barbaric and medieval.

It was once the nation’s least-favourite toilet paper, but Izal may soon be available again in selected outlets.

“Obviously, the name Izal is a bit soiled by association now,” said Harold businessman Woodrow Gunther, who has acquired the firm for £1, “so we needed a new brand name. We were thinking about that unique combination of sprouts and Quality Street and alcohol and dried fruit and sprouts and After Eights and alcohol you get at Christmas, and very quickly came up with the name Dash!.

“The problem with Izal,” he explained, “is that it’s been smeared thanks to Obama using a sound-alike word to refer to Islamic State. So that was a bummer.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Izal to re-launch as ‘Dash!’

Filed under Around Harold, Banal History, Business, Christmas, Lifestyle, Nostalgia, War

Syrian air strikes: MPs to examine their consciences; or ‘ask the wife’.

image

Excuse me while I let this off…

Prime Minister Cameron has sent all MPs back to their homes and constituencies this weekend with clear instructions to examine their own consciences about the exciting prospect of bombing the shit out of Syria.

“It’s diplomatic language,” explained a spokesman for Number Ten. “Most of the male members [of The Commons] haven’t got a clue how to think straight and reason with logic, especially if they try to fit it in while watching Match of the Day.

“Their wives, on the other hand, have very clear views, often expressed in a tone of voice that obviates the need for further discussion, while cooking dinner, sorting the laundry, helping the kids with their homework and planning the Christmas seating arrangements.”

“Hopefully,” he concluded, “they’ll all come back here on Monday morning, eager to toe the line, or risk hanging their members [their penises] out to dry for the foreseeable future.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Syrian air strikes: MPs to examine their consciences; or ‘ask the wife’.

Filed under bombs, breaking news, Civil rights, Defence, Labour, Society, War

Government proposal for total homeopathy ban ‘likely to end up very watered down’

One small drop for man, one giant leap for the National Debt.

One small drop for the NHS, one giant leap for the National Debt.

A Department of Health proposal to reclassify homeopathy as pure cuckoo and so exclude it from NHS spending has come under fire from the alternative therapies industry.

The Department of Health says that there is no scientific evidence to support homeopathy as an effective form of medical treatment and it must be removed entirely from NHS spending. But that is missing the whole point, says local alternative practitioner George Tredinnick.

“It’s a complete category error to want to apply scientific principles to homeopathy, which by its very nature relies on Belief in Magic,” he said. “Unfortunately, Government Ministers have not one tiny drop of imagination between them.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Government proposal for total homeopathy ban ‘likely to end up very watered down’

Filed under Culture, Drugs, Health, Medicine, News, Royals

No trust left after BBC’s ‘Fake or Fortune’ revealed as a fake

Fake or Fortune.

Bremner, Bird and Fortune

The nation’s sense of trust in the BBC has reached an all-time low, following the revelation that its flagship art valuation program Fake or Fortune is itself a complete fake.

The program features a gullible member of the public who has bought a work of art by a famous artist at a massive discount because the work has not yet been authenticated. It’s Fiona Bruce’s job to trace the work’s history across Europe and establish the all-important provenance. The gullible owner is excited by the prospect of a genuine work worth millions, but ends the program in tears, when an expert points out that Chagall never signed his name with an S.

An investigation by the Broadcasting Standards Authority, however, found that the program was made up and none of the characters were real. The findings were that the program was filmed entirely in a studio in Manchester and shots of Fiona Bruce outside the Louvre in Paris were created by back projection, using a look-alike actress, with her voice dubbed on afterwards by Russell Crowe. And the works of art were all stage props, made in the BBC’s workshops.

Continue reading

Comments Off on No trust left after BBC’s ‘Fake or Fortune’ revealed as a fake

Filed under Art, Entertainment, Media, science, Showbusiness, TV

Network Rail offers pre-emptive apology for disruption this autumn

"We're sorry if our apology seems insincere."

“We’re sorry if our apology seems insincere.”

In a move designed to scupper rail management critics, Network Rail operations boss Mark Carne has issued a full apology in advance of the unexpected disruptions to services this coming autumn.

“A sophisticated and coordinated attack on rail lines by foliage around November can be neither foreseen nor planned for, no matter how good your intelligence,” he said.

“I want to say a sincere and personal ‘sorry’ to all those commuters stuck in the middle of nowhere, who will have paid good money for the privilege.”

“I would also like to reassure our customers that we are doing all we can to prepare for the winter, but there is no climatologist alive can be expected to predict freak conditions causing snow on such an unprecedented scale. Again, I say I’m sorry.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Network Rail offers pre-emptive apology for disruption this autumn

Filed under Transport

Seagulls up in wings over soaring chimney prices

Conference location a bit too grand for the likes of some.

Conference location a bit too grand for the likes of some.

Rising chimney prices was top of the agenda at the Seagull Union’s Annual Conference in Scarborough this week.

Delegates complained about the cramped conditions many of their members endure, living in over-crowded squalor in crannies in the cliffs.

“I blame the government for failing to stimulate the chimney-building sector,” said one delegate, while other more radical gulls blamed the EU for restrictive anti-greenhouse gas policies.

Conference concluded that, whatever the root cause, the lack of affordable housing was due to a shortage of new chimneys, and passed a motion in favour of re-nationalising the coal industry.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Seagulls up in wings over soaring chimney prices

Filed under Election 2015, Nature, Politics, Society

Stephen Hawking vouches for mathematical accuracy of local 3-bean salad

'To me, beans means Heinz Wolff' - Stephen Hawking

‘To me, beans means Heinz Wolff’ – Stephen Hawking

Trading Standards were left red-faced today after a case they brought against a local eatery was thrown out by a magistrate.

The case was brought against Pippa Delaney, owner of Harold vegetarian restaurant Veggie! Veggie! Veggie!, under the Foods Description Act.

However, the magistrate said there was no case to answer after a top mathematician vouched for the accuracy of the restaurant’s labelling.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Stephen Hawking vouches for mathematical accuracy of local 3-bean salad

Filed under Around Harold, Business, Food, Law and Order

New crack in universe traced to Brazil football defeat

fissure

Brazilian net ‘like a black hole’

A massive super-fissure in the fabric of the universe was most likely caused by Brazil’s unprecedented thrashing by Germany, claim scientists at Jodrell Bank.

“The devastating effect of Brazil’s defeat should not be understated,” said Professor Brian Cox. “It almost destroyed the universe.”

The giant crack was first observed Tuesday evening and opened up wide enough to give astrophysicists an unparalleled view of a parallel universe.

“We sat awhile watching an alternative reality fixture between Brazil and Germany,” continued Cox. “The first 80 minutes were much the same as in our own universe, with Germany holding a 7-goal lead over the opposition. But matters took a different turn when the managers made their substitutions.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on New crack in universe traced to Brazil football defeat

Filed under science, Sport, World Cup

Cyclist arrested after dramatic high-speed chase

cyclesting

Reckless maniac didn’t even have a bell.

PC Anita Flegg has been hailed a hero in Harold today following the dramatic arrest of a crazy cyclist who could have caused mayhem on the roads around Harold.

The speeding cyclist was spotted by eagle-eyed PC Flegg during a routine check of local cycle paths.

“He was travelling at an astonishing speed along the main road,” said PC Flegg, “and drinking from a bottle which he threw at me as he passed.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Cyclist arrested after dramatic high-speed chase

Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Sport

New GM chickens born with leg elastic already in place

What's for dinner?

What’s for dinner?

A new breed of genetically modified chickens has been hailed a success by its developer, Harold farmer Lionel Garage.

“The new chicken type is featherless from birth,” Mr Garage told the Evening Harold, “pre-basted and also comes with the all-important leg elastic as a built-in feature.”

Farmer Garage claims the new design will result in increased profitability for chicken producers, saving them much of the cost of traditional posthumous poultry processing.

“Standard-type chickens require labour-intensive after-death attention,” he said, “and I’m frankly sick off forking out so much plucking cash. And you wouldn’t believe how long it takes to get that elastic band round its back legs.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on New GM chickens born with leg elastic already in place

Filed under Around Harold, DNA, Economy, environment, Farming, Food, Health, Nature, Pets, spam

‘No cure’ for addiction to cold turkey

Connor Harris seen leaving the doctor’s surgery today.

You are what you eat.  This is Connor Harris.

Harold GP Dr Evans has warned that no cure may ever be found for a patient’s addiction to cold turkey.

Fifteen-year-old local lad Connor Harris was already obese due a junk-food obsession. But his life took a dramatic turn last Christmas when he started ‘experimenting’ with cold turkey late on Christmas Day. By Boxing Day, his addiction was cemented.

“There was certainly an element of social pressure that fateful evening,” said Dr Evans, “but it was mainly down to his personal desire to consume a savoury snack at precisely the moment his mum handed him a plate of cold turkey.”

“Personally, I’ve had enough turkey for one year after cooking the basted thing,” said Connor’s mum Ange Harris, “but, as Dr Evans has explained, it depends on whether the individual carries the cold turkey addiction gene.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on ‘No cure’ for addiction to cold turkey

Filed under Around Harold, Christmas, Dr. Evans' Casebook, Food, Health, Lifestyle, Medicine, spam

Irish President ‘comes on a bit strong’ in the Royal Chambers

Do that again and one will nut you, do you understand?

Do that again and one will nut you, do you understand?

What started out as pomp and ceremony and a little light pecking ended in a near-brawl in Buckingham Palace last night after Irish President Michael D Higgins ‘had a bit too much to drink’ and started coming on to the Queen.

Rumours had previously suggested he ‘might try to get in there’ when Scotland moves out, but it seems he could wait no longer to declare himself to Her Majesty.

“Things started getting a little raucous during after-dinner drinks,” said Harold teenager Melanie Delaney (19) who works part-time as a Palace waitress.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Irish President ‘comes on a bit strong’ in the Royal Chambers

Filed under Dating, Entertainment, International News, Royals

Rare goat-sheep-donkey-boy born on local farm

DNA pool getting a bit murky.

DNA pool getting a bit murky.

A rare hybrid being that is part goat, part sheep, part donkey and part human boy child has been born on a farm on the outskirts of Harold Village.

The animal, referred to as a gooney boy, was born about two weeks ago on local farmer Lionel Garage’s farm.

The unexpected arrival is thought to be the result of mating between a goat, a sheep, a donkey and one of the potato-pickers.

Mr Garage said the cross-breeding was not intentional.  “It was a pure shock to the system,” he said, “definitely a one-off.”

“I’ve never seen anything like him before,” he told the Evening Harold, “and I come from a long line of sheep-shaggers.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Rare goat-sheep-donkey-boy born on local farm

Filed under Around Harold, Dating, DNA, Farming, Lifestyle, Nature, Pets, Sex

Mrs Miller’s Tale: Chaucer manuscript found in local kitchen drawer

Miller 2An expert from Sotheby’s has confirmed that a medieval-looking manuscript he found in the kitchen of a vegetarian restaurant in Harold is an authentic Chaucerian artefact from the mid-fourteenth century.

Restaurant owner Pippa Delaney was incredulous on hearing the news. “I can’t believe how long I’ve been saying I must sort out that kitchen drawer,” she said.

“Quaint little villages like Harold are full of priceless gems from yesteryear, tucked away in cupboards and attics,” said the Sotheby’s expert. “I just had a gut feeling in Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! although that may have been the lentil and three-bean soup.”

“Well, thank goodness he asked for a rummage in my drawers,” said Pippa, “I would have put that smelly scrap of paper in the bin for sure. The mustiness was bad enough, but the handwriting and spelling were a disgrace.”

Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Culture, Dating, Economy, Law and Order, Politics

Big Sneeze Theory: local cosmologist ‘in with a shout for a Nobel’

Cosmic Microwave Background.  Now wash your hands.

Cosmic Microwave Background. Now wash your hands.

The beginning of the Universe has always perplexed the human mind.

But new findings by some of the most powerful telescopes in the world have given credence to the Big Sneeze Theory first propounded by Harold cosmologist Alec Fairchild ten years ago in the Squirrel Lickers’ Arms.

‘Professor’ Fairchild, as he’s known locally, has put in his claim for a Nobel Prize, supported by Eddie, landlord of the SLA.  “I remember it well,” Eddie told the Evening Harold, “he was expounding his sneezing theory left, right and centre.  In the end, I had to ask him to leave to prevent a flu epidemic.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Big Sneeze Theory: local cosmologist ‘in with a shout for a Nobel’

Filed under Around Harold, Intergalactic News, science