With no-one else left in the White House, former President Trump sacked himself this afternoon, he confirmed in a tweet.
“I just wasn’t feeling the chemistry anymore,” he said, after catching sight of himself in a mirror.
Cleaner Jose Mortimer has temporarily taken the reins.
“There’s no-one here at the moment,” he told Boris Johnson, “but if you’d like to leave a message, please do so after the beep. Beep.”
Political commentators worrying about a US power vacuum were immediately reassured by Mortimer.
“No problem,” he said, “I use a Riccar Premium Radiance.”
A typical wad of cash.
HMRC’s accounts have come under scrutiny by EU tax officials, who allege jiggery-pokey and unpaid duties.
Clothing imports from China have been grossly undervalued in HMRC’s books, claims the EU, demanding £2.4bn in extra tax.
HMRC say they have a problem accessing the data just now, as unfortunately their dog ate the USB memory stick and the back-up drive has been mislaid in a snowdrift. They’re trying to get copies of their bank statements but the internet is a bit unreliable round their way and mail doesn’t always get through in bad weather.
Harold builder Herbert Fork, who’s been done for tax a few times, says he offers his sympathies to HMRC.
“I know what you go through when you get turned over by the VAT man,” he empathised.
“I just hope they don’t nearly have a heart attack during the investigation and that it can get sorted within a couple of years and not drag on and on until they’ve almost lost the will to live. You’ve got to feel for them.”
The Russian Ambassador has complained about prejudiced UK weather reports.
“You get bit of snow and immediately point finger at Russia. Not fair. You have no evidence to support theory of cold air from Siberia.”
But the met office has confirmed that the recent big freeze was correctly identified as the Beast from the East, or Storm Vladimir Putin to give it its proper name.
“The evidence is there,” said a BBC weatherwoman, pointing to the carcass of a yeti washed up on a beach in Norfolk.
Obviously no spare rooms here.
Homeless people in Windsor say their livelihoods are under threat as rumours circulate of a street-level takeover by a ruthless gang of highly professional beggars.
“The gang all claim to be members of a single yet extraordinarily extended family,” said Windsor Vagrants’ spokesperson Lindsay Tarsal. “What we do know is they use various aliases, often chosen to sound like your local. The Duke of Kent, the Prince of Wales, the Pig and Whistle… oh, hang on, that last one was David Cameron.”
“So now they’re heading down our way and all of a sudden, who would’ve guessed it, lo and behold, what’s their name now, ah, The Windsors of course, poncing about as though they own the place.”
UK nuclear command prepare for the night shift.
A weekend IMHO poll has revealed that most people feel relaxed about our nuclear warheads being under the control of wide-awake clear-thinking coke-snorting top-flight gamers, and that this is way preferable to President Trump having his finger on the big button.
“These guys in the submarine are best in class when it comes to video war games,” said Harold teenager Kevin Ronsson. “They’ve got hand-eye coordination like you wouldn’t believe and they’re so sharp-brained they can beat you at chess with one hand while fending off incoming with the other. Whereas Trump is more like a thick dickhead, still stuck on level 1 in Hungry Horace.”
Hammond slips the bill into Cameron’s pocket.
Tory Chancellor Philip Hammond may be dreaming up secret plans to get former PM and Chief Engineer of National Division David Cameron to cough up for his treachery and pay the Brexit Bill in full on behalf of the UK people.
“It’s all very well Cameron saying Oh sorry, that didn’t go to plan, byeee,” Hammond told Mrs May, “but he still has to take his share of the responsibility, which is…” pausing to consult his calculator, “one hundred percent of it.”
Astride the blue recycling bin
Snails have been feeling upbeat today after moving up a rung on the evolutionary ladder, according to a new study using the Brexit negotiations as a benchmark.
“Talk about deja vu,” said John Snail. “I’ve been all the way to the bins and back and the talks still haven’t moved. I’ve seen grass grow faster. It would be quicker if I set off to France myself and negotiated a deal with an escargot. It would probably be a better deal too. And with less slime.”
One of the posher hermits from the Oxford area. He also owns a holiday cave in Cornwall.
The inner peace of live-alone enthusiasts was shattered last night when their AGM was infiltrated by a quiet gang of introverts, intent on spreading apprehension and a general sense of unease.
“It was difficult enough getting the invitations out to the many caves and iron-age huts scattered throughout the land without post codes,” said Lionel Garage, who hosted the event in a barn on his farm.
“Trying to persuade hermits to come out of their shells for a knees-up once a year is a nightmare in itself, but when the event gets gate-crashed by other groups of a-social beings, you’ve got an impotent mix of self-examination in a non-interactive community. It was almost a metaphor for the Brexit negotiations.”
“So I lost the codes. It’s no big deal.”
The White House was in meltdown today following President Trump’s tweet “OMG I lost the codes!” only hours before he was due to declare all-out nuclear war on N Korea.
“These things happen,” he tweeted.
Working on the theory the codes may have been stolen by a pickpocket working for the enemy, all of Trump’s fingers were pointing at a single suspect. Continue reading
‘Mona Lisa With Her Tits Out’
Da Vinci expert Mathieu Deldicque says he knew the charcoal sketch was authentic the moment he hung it on his dining room wall.
“Wherever I stood, my eyes were drawn to her enigmatic cleavage, and her nipples just seemed to follow me round the room. It’s definitely genuine.”
“Leonardo da Vinci was renowned for his meticulous research in the anatomical structure of the human body,” he said, “so it’s highly likely his first words to Mona would have been ‘Get yer kit off love’.”
The work was found in the Palace of Chantilly and was originally thought to be a sketch of a Florentine brickie. Continue reading
Hang ’em high.
The Labour Party has voted unanimously in favour of more overhead floral growth as a peaceful and environmentally-friendly deterrent against terrorism.
Moving the motion, Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott left the delegates in suspense for a moment when she called for a vote to “Bring back hanging” before pausing to take a sip of water then adding “baskets”.
The idea has been welcomed by Harold psychologist Dr Freya Fairchild.
“Studies have shown that in an environment of pretty colours, sweet scent and Continue reading
A typical village stoner
Pinning hopes for Lib Dem election success on the decriminalisation of marijuana may be flawed logic says a village stoner.
“Most of the time we’re too stoned to remember to put things in our diaries,” said the smoker. “Anyway, politicians are power-crazed liars, who’ll tell you anything.”
The dope smoking community is also wary that someone is trying to pull a fast one on them.
“So, they want us to register to vote for this? So is that like your name and address and stuff? Yeah, thought so, and the next thing you know is someone’s knocking on your door init. Get lost.”
Nick Clegg meanwhile has been explaining more details of the marijuana policy. Continue reading
Having a laugh on Red Nose Day.
Jeremy Corbyn says that while he initially felt a little disappointed with the clobbering Labour took in the Local Elections, he remains totally confident that the people will be right behind him when it comes to the ‘real thing’ on 8 June.
“It’s obvious now that quite a lot of people were having a bit of a laugh on Thursday,” he said. “There is, of course, such a thing as the rebellious ironic tactical vote. But when, just by chance, huge chunks of the electorate have the same fun idea at the same time, the result can be a highly misleading picture of the mood of the country. Fortunately, I can see straight through it.” Continue reading
Mrs May negotiating a chip.
The Conservative Party has started its campaign of checking the quality of chips in every town in the country.
“I have been absolutely clear right from the start that the foundation of a strong economy is a good plate of chips,” she told the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg.
“Historically, we’ve always been a nation built on potatoes and we welcome the diversity of modern potato products, like crisps and waffles, along with the more traditional formats, such as roast potatoes and, of course, chips. Not to mention jacket potatoes, which provide not only carbohydrates but also clothing for poor people.” Continue reading
That’s cleared that up then.
New online site WikiTribune, dedicated to reporting only factually correct news, has closed down only days after its launch, due to the lack of any properly verified reports.
“The only story we had,” said founder Jimmy Wales, “was about a member of our own staff who had to take the day off after her goldfish died. But she couldn’t say for certain the age of the fish as she had won it in a raffle last week.”
We caught up with Mrs [name withheld], who confessed she made up the goldfish excuse to get the day off. Continue reading
With the far left Melenchon running neck and neck with the far right Le Pen in the polls, France is left with only one method to choose between them. A shrugging competition.
Points will be awarded for excessive shrugging postures accompanied by exaggerated facial expressions and nasal honking noises in a live display by the two candidates.
Melenchon is thought to have the edge when it comes to holding a shrug for an extended period, while Le Pen’s strength lies more in the broad variety of styles in her shrugging arsenal. Continue reading
Filed under Europe, Politics
Saving it all for a rainy day.
Language experts have welcomed Philip Hammond’s use of simplified English to explain esoteric financial matters to the general public.
“I struggle to avoid glazing over when economists refer to complex fiscal concepts like ‘contingency fund’,” said literary critic Peter Pentop, “but the idea of putting petrol in the tank before embarking on a car journey suddenly makes everything clear. I guess he’s putting up fuel duty from midnight.”
Wasn’t he in Star Wars?
Damien Chazelle, winner of the 2017 Academy Award for Best Director for his film La La Land, has confirmed he is already working on a new musical.
Carry On Up The Oscars is described as part-comedy, part-tragedy as it retells one of the biggest news stories ever, the Great Academy Awards Cock-Up of 2017.
The plot centres round envelopes getting mixed up, as seen through the eyes of PWC accountant Brian Cullinan and is to be filmed mainly in the wings. Russian agents, posing in a variety of backstage roles such as make-up assistants and coffee waiters, Continue reading