Tom Daley: been helping Dele Alli in training
The referee for tonight’s World Cup semi-final has warned all players that any diving will be punished by a yellow card.
“I know you’ve all been inspired by the amazing diving to rescue the Wild Boars football team,” said Cuneyt Cakir ahead of England v Croatia, “but don’t try to replicate it on the pitch tonight. Unless you’re the goal-keeper.”
“If you get sent off, it’ll be a problem of your own Croatian,” he warned. Continue reading
“Hmm… it’s worth a try, Spock.”
“China has been ripping us off with their steel and, if we’re not careful, they’ll have all the moon-cheese too,” said Trump. “That is why I have asked NASA to set up Space Patrol, to guard the intergalactic highways, to stop illegal aliens crossing Earth’s atmosphere and to protect against the theft of all the Kryptonite.”
Having recently travelled to N Korea to give the ‘jolly fat rocket-man’ an earful, Trump has developed a new taste for boldly going where no President has been before.
“I want NASA to fly me to Mars,” he said. “I’ve seen pictures of it and it definitely looks a bit red. You don’t need a degree in astrophysics to know what that means. And why are the Martians green? Are they naive climate-control freaks? It’s obvious to me they’re a threat and sooner or later they will invade. That’s why I need to get up there and do a deal with them.” Continue reading
UK citizens are being advised to stay indoors and not touch anything on Friday 13 July when President Trump visits the Kingdom.
“Bad Luck and Weird Coincidences are happening all the time,” explained super-meta-physicist Milton Keynes, “but compound that with the Friday the 13th phenomenon and a visit from a madman, then we could all be in big, big trouble.”
“My advice is, stay indoors lock everything and keep still. Above all, do not walk under any ladders or attempt to straighten the hall mirror. Or watch the news.”
Church leaders and soothsayers are urging Mrs May to Continue reading
Mrs May told parliament today she is perfectly within her rights to take a dump on Jeremy Corbyn’s head in the interests of protecting the nation.
“I have a much better speaking voice than the Leader of the Opposition,” she told the Commons, “and I’m far more mature than him, even though he’s a bit older than me. Not only that, but I’m Prime Minister, which he is not, so I can do what I like, including doing a poo-poo on his head if I choose.” Continue reading
Oops, wrong one. Well they all look the same, don’t they.
Comedy and Tragedy were blended together today in the Tory soup-maker to produce the finest ironic Brexit Smoothie yet.
Franco-Dutch firm Foux da fa fa et un homme qui s’appelle Lars have been awarded the contract to print the UK’s new non-EU passport, after Jacob Rees-Mogg said the existing Gateshead firm De La Rue ‘sounded a bit French’.
“The writing was on the wall,” he said. “Well, on a brass plate on the wall, anyway.”
Brexiteers’ heads have been exploding as they grapple between the desire to keep foreign hands off sovereign matters and the freedom to trade where we want. Continue reading
Following Nigel Farage’s protest about the UK government giving in to the EU by throwing fish into the Thames, the oily specimen found himself in the same boat when a dozen kippers rounded on him and dumped him in the choppy waters.
“He’s always banging on about self-determination,” said a spokesfish for the North Sea inhabitants, “but nobody’s bothered to ask us for our views.”
Totally wet and spineless, Nigel Farage is famous for having attended only one of over forty EU Fisheries Committee meetings as an MEP. Continue reading
Newly knighted Ringo Starr says he remembers ’k all about the nineteen sixties, let alone who the bands were back then.
“Never heard of him,” he replied when asked whether it had been a long wait to catch up with Paul McCartney in the Honours stakes.
Sir Ringo described his knighthood ceremony as ‘surreal’.
“I went down on one knee and asked the Duke if he’d marry me. Then somebody spoke and I went into a dream.” Continue reading
“I was gobsmacked when they told me I won,” said magician Vladimir Putin. “It hasn’t fully sunk in yet, I’m speechless.”
The shock result was announced just hours after voting closed.
“He won by a landslide,” said his agent, “beating both the unicyclist juggler and the fire-eating sword-swallower who made it through to the final round. They simply couldn’t match his magic.”
“As a child, I used to dream of winning Stars in Their Eyes,” said Mr Putin, “but it was not until I joined the KGB that I seriously started to play with smoke and mirrors, before moving on to develop my own unique style of magic.” Continue reading
With tensions rising between Westminster and the Kremlin, the UK government is planning to send the Foreign Secretary to Russia.
Kremlin officials say they will respond robustly and send a Russian doll to sit on Mrs May’s desk.
Amid fears that the hollow wooden character might arrive full of toxic shite, security has been tightened at Moscow airport. Continue reading
Gareth Southgate has written to FIFA complaining that his squad’s 2018 World Cup strip may hinder them on the counter-attack.
The new kit, designed by the FA and built by chemical warfare clothing company Nuke, may test the team’s mobility on the pitch, he said.
“Defensively, there’s no real problem,” said Southgate, “apart from Joe Hart’s backside constantly triggering the goal-line technology. Come to think of it, he does that anyway.” Continue reading
With no-one else left in the White House, former President Trump sacked himself this afternoon, he confirmed in a tweet.
“I just wasn’t feeling the chemistry anymore,” he said, after catching sight of himself in a mirror.
Cleaner Jose Mortimer has temporarily taken the reins.
“There’s no-one here at the moment,” he told Boris Johnson, “but if you’d like to leave a message, please do so after the beep. Beep.”
Political commentators worrying about a US power vacuum were immediately reassured by Mortimer.
“No problem,” he said, “I use a Riccar Premium Radiance.”
A typical wad of cash.
HMRC’s accounts have come under scrutiny by EU tax officials, who allege jiggery-pokey and unpaid duties.
Clothing imports from China have been grossly undervalued in HMRC’s books, claims the EU, demanding £2.4bn in extra tax.
HMRC say they have a problem accessing the data just now, as unfortunately their dog ate the USB memory stick and the back-up drive has been mislaid in a snowdrift. They’re trying to get copies of their bank statements but the internet is a bit unreliable round their way and mail doesn’t always get through in bad weather.
Harold builder Herbert Fork, who’s been done for tax a few times, says he offers his sympathies to HMRC.
“I know what you go through when you get turned over by the VAT man,” he empathised.
“I just hope they don’t nearly have a heart attack during the investigation and that it can get sorted within a couple of years and not drag on and on until they’ve almost lost the will to live. You’ve got to feel for them.”
The Russian Ambassador has complained about prejudiced UK weather reports.
“You get bit of snow and immediately point finger at Russia. Not fair. You have no evidence to support theory of cold air from Siberia.”
But the met office has confirmed that the recent big freeze was correctly identified as the Beast from the East, or Storm Vladimir Putin to give it its proper name.
“The evidence is there,” said a BBC weatherwoman, pointing to the carcass of a yeti washed up on a beach in Norfolk.
Obviously no spare rooms here.
Homeless people in Windsor say their livelihoods are under threat as rumours circulate of a street-level takeover by a ruthless gang of highly professional beggars.
“The gang all claim to be members of a single yet extraordinarily extended family,” said Windsor Vagrants’ spokesperson Lindsay Tarsal. “What we do know is they use various aliases, often chosen to sound like your local. The Duke of Kent, the Prince of Wales, the Pig and Whistle… oh, hang on, that last one was David Cameron.”
“So now they’re heading down our way and all of a sudden, who would’ve guessed it, lo and behold, what’s their name now, ah, The Windsors of course, poncing about as though they own the place.”
UK nuclear command prepare for the night shift.
A weekend IMHO poll has revealed that most people feel relaxed about our nuclear warheads being under the control of wide-awake clear-thinking coke-snorting top-flight gamers, and that this is way preferable to President Trump having his finger on the big button.
“These guys in the submarine are best in class when it comes to video war games,” said Harold teenager Kevin Ronsson. “They’ve got hand-eye coordination like you wouldn’t believe and they’re so sharp-brained they can beat you at chess with one hand while fending off incoming with the other. Whereas Trump is more like a thick dickhead, still stuck on level 1 in Hungry Horace.”
Hammond slips the bill into Cameron’s pocket.
Tory Chancellor Philip Hammond may be dreaming up secret plans to get former PM and Chief Engineer of National Division David Cameron to cough up for his treachery and pay the Brexit Bill in full on behalf of the UK people.
“It’s all very well Cameron saying Oh sorry, that didn’t go to plan, byeee,” Hammond told Mrs May, “but he still has to take his share of the responsibility, which is…” pausing to consult his calculator, “one hundred percent of it.”
Astride the blue recycling bin
Snails have been feeling upbeat today after moving up a rung on the evolutionary ladder, according to a new study using the Brexit negotiations as a benchmark.
“Talk about deja vu,” said John Snail. “I’ve been all the way to the bins and back and the talks still haven’t moved. I’ve seen grass grow faster. It would be quicker if I set off to France myself and negotiated a deal with an escargot. It would probably be a better deal too. And with less slime.”
One of the posher hermits from the Oxford area. He also owns a holiday cave in Cornwall.
The inner peace of live-alone enthusiasts was shattered last night when their AGM was infiltrated by a quiet gang of introverts, intent on spreading apprehension and a general sense of unease.
“It was difficult enough getting the invitations out to the many caves and iron-age huts scattered throughout the land without post codes,” said Lionel Garage, who hosted the event in a barn on his farm.
“Trying to persuade hermits to come out of their shells for a knees-up once a year is a nightmare in itself, but when the event gets gate-crashed by other groups of a-social beings, you’ve got an impotent mix of self-examination in a non-interactive community. It was almost a metaphor for the Brexit negotiations.”