Having a laugh on Red Nose Day.
Jeremy Corbyn says that while he initially felt a little disappointed with the clobbering Labour took in the Local Elections, he remains totally confident that the people will be right behind him when it comes to the ‘real thing’ on 8 June.
“It’s obvious now that quite a lot of people were having a bit of a laugh on Thursday,” he said. “There is, of course, such a thing as the rebellious ironic tactical vote. But when, just by chance, huge chunks of the electorate have the same fun idea at the same time, the result can be a highly misleading picture of the mood of the country. Fortunately, I can see straight through it.” Continue reading
Mrs May negotiating a chip.
The Conservative Party has started its campaign of checking the quality of chips in every town in the country.
“I have been absolutely clear right from the start that the foundation of a strong economy is a good plate of chips,” she told the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg.
“Historically, we’ve always been a nation built on potatoes and we welcome the diversity of modern potato products, like crisps and waffles, along with the more traditional formats, such as roast potatoes and, of course, chips. Not to mention jacket potatoes, which provide not only carbohydrates but also clothing for poor people.” Continue reading
That’s cleared that up then.
New online site WikiTribune, dedicated to reporting only factually correct news, has closed down only days after its launch, due to the lack of any properly verified reports.
“The only story we had,” said founder Jimmy Wales, “was about a member of our own staff who had to take the day off after her goldfish died. But she couldn’t say for certain the age of the fish as she had won it in a raffle last week.”
We caught up with Mrs [name withheld], who confessed she made up the goldfish excuse to get the day off. Continue reading
With the far left Melenchon running neck and neck with the far right Le Pen in the polls, France is left with only one method to choose between them. A shrugging competition.
Points will be awarded for excessive shrugging postures accompanied by exaggerated facial expressions and nasal honking noises in a live display by the two candidates.
Melenchon is thought to have the edge when it comes to holding a shrug for an extended period, while Le Pen’s strength lies more in the broad variety of styles in her shrugging arsenal. Continue reading
Filed under Europe, Politics
Saving it all for a rainy day.
Language experts have welcomed Philip Hammond’s use of simplified English to explain esoteric financial matters to the general public.
“I struggle to avoid glazing over when economists refer to complex fiscal concepts like ‘contingency fund’,” said literary critic Peter Pentop, “but the idea of putting petrol in the tank before embarking on a car journey suddenly makes everything clear. I guess he’s putting up fuel duty from midnight.”
Wasn’t he in Star Wars?
Damien Chazelle, winner of the 2017 Academy Award for Best Director for his film La La Land, has confirmed he is already working on a new musical.
Carry On Up The Oscars is described as part-comedy, part-tragedy as it retells one of the biggest news stories ever, the Great Academy Awards Cock-Up of 2017.
The plot centres round envelopes getting mixed up, as seen through the eyes of PWC accountant Brian Cullinan and is to be filmed mainly in the wings. Russian agents, posing in a variety of backstage roles such as make-up assistants and coffee waiters, Continue reading
Coming up for auction – old, left-handed guitar. Proceeds to hospice funds.
As if the deaths of Bowie, Prince and Frank Sinatra Jnr weren’t enough, now Sultans of Swing rhythm guitarist George has checked out. He was 100 years old and had a reputation for his comprehensive knowledge of guitar chords, or tabs as they are known today.
Shortly before he died, he asked that he be given a quiet funeral. “I do not want to make anybody cry or sing,” he said; “it’s strictly rhythm, so if you must clap, please do so in 6/8 time with occasional syncopated emphasis on the offbeat.”
The care home staff were consoled that that he died doing what he loved, with his heart-rate monitor displaying a steady beat right up to the moment of death. Continue reading
Do not adjust your TV set.
“For decades, scientists were unable to explain Black Holes,” said Professor Brian Cox, “especially the super massive ones, but then we solved it. Well, Trump is like a super massive Orange Hole. Metaphorically speaking.”
Various tests have been run at CERN and lots of scientists have been writing long equations on multiple backboards, working at the very edge of reality.
“Of course we already know that Donald Trump does not exist in the normal sense of the word,” said the Professor, “but that alone may not stop him becoming President. The current hypothesis is that he is somehow the product of the collective American Mind.”
“But we’re not quite sure yet whether to describe him as a figment of the imagination or a pigment of the imagination.” Continue reading
Is that you’re best shot, you pussy? My mother has a stronger grip.
Islamic State have hit back in the row between David Cameron and Boris Johnson over the terror threat level. Cameron says leaving the EU will make the UK more vulnerable; Johnson says the opposite.
“Praise the Lord, Brexit or not to Brexit makes no f*cking difference,” said ISIS in a Tweet translated by Google.
Look, there it is in the dictionary, just after neglect of duty.
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has apologised for his poor grasp of the English language after being advised that ‘negotiate’ does not mean ‘annihilate’.
“I was under the impression that to negotiate meant ‘to crush your opponent’,” he said, “but now they’re telling me it means something more like ‘compromise’. I’ll have to look that one up. It’s another new word to add to my vocabulary.”
Waste land may be bought up by NCP.
Following the unearthing of a Roman Villa during a barn conversion job in Wiltshire, the archaeologists had another surprise when they dug up a mosaic floor and found Aston Villa underneath that.
“We knew they were on the verge of relegation,” said Dr David Roberts, an Historic England archaeologist, “but hadn’t quite appreciated just how low a team can go. This one was buried under a thick layer of alluvial sediment.”
Before you dump, think it through.
Food banks up and down the country now have enough jars of Dolmio pasta sauce to sink an Italian battleship, thanks to the caring generosity of well-meaning do-gooders.
“As soon as I found out just how much sugar and salt they add to the pink sludge, I emptied my cupboards and started pouring the stuff down the sink,” said housewife Daphne Newton.
“Then my teenage daughter pointed out that the amount of precious clean water and costly sink cleaner I was using far outweighed the benefits of recycling the empty jars and demanded I deliver the remaining two dozen jars to the food bank instead.”
“Well, I couldn’t believe my ears when the woman at the food bank said they already had enough of that particular item, thank you.”
He said he didn’t know she was a sex worker. Well, he would say that, wouldn’t he?
The general public has welcomed news of a Tory sex scandal.
“Tax avoidance isn’t the easiest subject for people to get their heads around,” said villager Pippa Delaney, “but a good old fashioned romp in a gimp mask is something we can all definitely relate to.”
When Culture Minister John Whittingdale discovered he had done some sex work unwittingly with a sex worker, he immediately declared it in his personal ‘Register of My Member’s Interests’, or diary.
“Even though we were having sex,” he explained, “I did not know it at the time. I thought she was another member of the Culture Committee. Other times she was a plumber. It depended which game we were playing.”
Bankrupt, both financially and morally.
In a tearful interview with ITN’s Robert Peston, David Cameron has been forced to disclose that he’s not the fabulously wealthy millionaire many of his inner circle believed.
“I feel conned,” said one city banker. “He’s not getting invited round my mansion again.”
Cameron spoke at length about how he was often on the verge of bankruptcy, how the mortgage company lay in wait, ready to repossess his home and sell it cheap at auction to a builder; and how he was forced to sneak down the food banks late at night disguised as a heroin addict and buy his suits from Oxfam.
“Samantha gives me earache every time I go overdrawn,” he said.
This is the first time Cameron has come clean about his true state of poverty. And properly wealthy members of his inner circle are already beginning to distance themselves from him for his hypocrisy.
Bank, then a launderette, now a poundshop.
From the outside, it looked like any other High Street Bank. But behind the heavy wooden doors, a laundering operation was providing services for working people with no washing machines of their own.
Documents obtained by the Evening Harold from the local Planning Committee reveal conclusively that a ‘change of use’ application was approved in 1959, subject to the building retaining its original facade.
“I’m not surprised at all,” said Doris Kettle who remembers well the massive ‘just one more sixpence’ launderette drying machine swindle of the 1960s.
“Incredibly, he even boasted about it,” says George Osborne
Media attention was diverted away from the Mossack Fonseca revelations today, following a leak of information from the UK Treasury Office which appears to implicate a former Labour Chancellor in what George Osborne described as the ‘biggest financial scam ever’.
“Gordon Brown siphoned off millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money into a secret tax haven known only by its codename,” said a communiqué issued by the Treasury. “They called it The Public Purse.”
The Hard Water Cup.
FINAL SCORE: Yorkshire 6-1 Devon & Cornwall
Yorkshire Water proved once again how hard it is, with an expected win over soft West Country underdogs in the Hard Water final in the River Calder in Yorkshire in heavy rain.
The West Countrymen had fluked a place in the final with a surprise win over Harold Waterworks last Saturday on the River Gluggle. But the visitors put in a soggy performance in Calderdale as the final ebbed and flowed during the first 20 minutes with neither side able to breach the opponent’s defences.
“We was all wet and wishy-washy,” admitted Barry Babbacombe, the flushed WC manager as they went in at half time 2-0 down. Continue reading
“April Fools!” After keeping shtum for months, Donald can finally let his hair down and relax
Red-necked US citizens were left red-faced this morning after the sudden withdrawal of Donald Trump from the election race.
Dubbed the longest running build-up to an April Fool bombshell, the news left millions dumbstruck. Eventually, small pockets of people in isolated communities began to recover their composure.
“Hey, he didn’t fool us for one minute,” they said. “We was jes’ playin’ along n’all. We sure ain’t no bigoted racists, no sir, we was jes’ pretendin’.”