Author Archives: malgor

Sense of trepidation flares at Annual Convention of Hermits

One of the posher hermits from the Oxford area. He also owns a holiday cave in Cornwall.

The inner peace of live-alone enthusiasts was shattered last night when their AGM was infiltrated by a quiet gang of introverts, intent on spreading apprehension and a general sense of unease.

“It was difficult enough getting the invitations out to the many caves and iron-age huts scattered throughout the land without post codes,” said Lionel Garage, who hosted the event in a barn on his farm.

“Trying to persuade hermits to come out of their shells for a knees-up once a year is a nightmare in itself, but when the event gets gate-crashed by other groups of a-social beings, you’ve got an impotent mix of self-examination in a non-interactive community. It was almost a metaphor for the Brexit negotiations.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Brexit, Europe, Farming, Lifestyle, Philosophy

Nuclear war narrowly averted as Trump loses The Codes

“So I lost the codes. It’s no big deal.”

The White House was in meltdown today following President Trump’s tweet “OMG I lost the codes!” only hours before he was due to declare all-out nuclear war on N Korea.

“These things happen,” he tweeted.

Working on the theory the codes may have been stolen by a pickpocket working for the enemy, all of Trump’s fingers were pointing at a single suspect. Continue reading

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Filed under bombs, Defence, environment, Lost and Found, Space, Trump, War

“Her nipples followed me round the room.”

‘Mona Lisa With Her Tits Out’

Da Vinci expert Mathieu Deldicque says he knew the charcoal sketch was authentic the moment he hung it on his dining room wall.

“Wherever I stood, my eyes were drawn to her enigmatic cleavage, and her nipples just seemed to follow me round the room. It’s definitely genuine.”

“Leonardo da Vinci was renowned for his meticulous research in the anatomical structure of the human body,” he said, “so it’s highly likely his first words to Mona would have been ‘Get yer kit off love’.”

The work was found in the Palace of Chantilly and was originally thought to be a sketch of a Florentine brickie. Continue reading

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Filed under Art

Labour vote to ‘bring back hanging baskets’

Hang ’em high.

The Labour Party has voted unanimously in favour of more overhead floral growth as a peaceful and environmentally-friendly deterrent against terrorism.

Moving the motion, Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott left the delegates in suspense for a moment when she called for a vote to “Bring back hanging” before pausing to take a sip of water then adding “baskets”.

The idea has been welcomed by Harold psychologist Dr Freya Fairchild.

“Studies have shown that in an environment of pretty colours, sweet scent and Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, environment, Labour, Politics

Lib Dems will be ‘victims of apathy’ predicts Harold stoner

A typical village stoner

Pinning hopes for Lib Dem election success on the decriminalisation of marijuana may be flawed logic says a village stoner.

“Most of the time we’re too stoned to remember to put things in our diaries,” said the smoker.  “Anyway, politicians are power-crazed liars, who’ll tell you anything.”

The dope smoking community is also wary that someone is trying to pull a fast one on them.

“So, they want us to register to vote for this?  So is that like your name and address and stuff?  Yeah, thought so, and the next thing you know is someone’s knocking on your door init.  Get lost.”

Nick Clegg meanwhile has been explaining more details of the marijuana policy. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Crime, Drugs, Election 2017, Lifestyle, Politics

Labour counter Tories’ Strong and Stable tag with #StringandStubble

Corbyn and McDonnell show us the size of their imaginary balls of string.

The Labour media team has launched the Party’s election tag #StringandStubble in a direct hit on the Tories’ #StrongandStable.

Appearing on Channel 4 News, Chancellor-in-Waiting John McDonnell told Jon Snow that very few people had a clue what ‘Strong and Stable’ was all about.

“Perhaps it appeals to people who own a fleet of pedigree racehorses,” he said, “but the vast majority of people want something a bit less rolling hills and open countryside.”

“Labour believes that every man, woman and child has the right to own their own ball of string. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Civil rights, Economy, Election 2017, Labour, Politics, Social media

Electorate ‘just teasing’, warns Labour Leader

Having a laugh on Red Nose Day.

Jeremy Corbyn says that while he initially felt a little disappointed with the clobbering Labour took in the Local Elections, he remains totally confident that the people will be right behind him when it comes to the ‘real thing’ on 8 June.

“It’s obvious now that quite a lot of people were having a bit of a laugh on Thursday,” he said.  “There is, of course, such a thing as the rebellious ironic tactical vote.  But when, just by chance, huge chunks of the electorate have the same fun idea at the same time, the result can be a highly misleading picture of the mood of the country.  Fortunately, I can see straight through it.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Brexit, Election 2017, Entertainment, Labour, Politics, Society

Mrs May pledges buckets of chips for everyone

Mrs May negotiating a chip.

The Conservative Party has started its campaign of checking the quality of chips in every town in the country.

“I have been absolutely clear right from the start that the foundation of a strong economy is a good plate of chips,” she told the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg.

“Historically, we’ve always been a nation built on potatoes and we welcome the diversity of modern potato products, like crisps and waffles, along with the more traditional formats, such as roast potatoes and, of course, chips.  Not to mention jacket potatoes, which provide not only carbohydrates but also clothing for poor people.” Continue reading

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Filed under Brexit, Civil rights, Economy, environment, Europe, Farming, Food, Lifestyle, Politics

WikiTribune site closes due to lack of factual news

That’s cleared that up then.

New online site WikiTribune, dedicated to reporting only factually correct news, has closed down only days after its launch, due to the lack of any properly verified reports.

“The only story we had,” said founder Jimmy Wales, “was about a member of our own staff who had to take the day off after her goldfish died. But she couldn’t say for certain the age of the fish as she had won it in a raffle last week.”

We caught up with Mrs [name withheld], who confessed she made up the goldfish excuse to get the day off. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment, Media, News

Shrugging competition to decide French Election

“So?”

With the far left Melenchon running neck and neck with the far right Le Pen in the polls, France is left with only one method to choose between them.  A shrugging competition.

Points will be awarded for excessive shrugging postures accompanied by exaggerated facial expressions and nasal honking noises in a live display by the two candidates.

Melenchon is thought to have the edge when it comes to holding a shrug for an extended period, while Le Pen’s strength lies more in the broad variety of styles in her shrugging arsenal. Continue reading

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Literary critics hail Chancellor’s petrol tank analogy

Saving it all for a rainy day.

Language experts have welcomed Philip Hammond’s use of simplified English to explain esoteric financial matters to the general public.

“I struggle to avoid glazing over when economists refer to complex fiscal concepts like ‘contingency fund’,” said literary critic Peter Pentop, “but the idea of putting petrol in the tank before embarking on a car journey suddenly makes everything clear. I guess he’s putting up fuel duty from midnight.”
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Filed under Business, Economy, Europe, Labour, NHS, Politics, Society

New Hollywood musical Carry On Up The Oscars looks set to be a blockbuster

Wasn’t he in Star Wars?

Damien Chazelle, winner of the 2017 Academy Award for Best Director for his film La La Land, has confirmed he is already working on a new musical.

Carry On Up The Oscars is described as part-comedy, part-tragedy as it retells one of the biggest news stories ever, the Great Academy Awards Cock-Up of 2017.

The plot centres round envelopes getting mixed up, as seen through the eyes of PWC accountant Brian Cullinan and is to be filmed mainly in the wings. Russian agents, posing in a variety of backstage roles such as make-up assistants and coffee waiters, Continue reading

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Filed under Entertainment, Media, Showbusiness

Guitar George dies of old age

Coming up for auction - old, left-handed guitar. Proceeds to hospice funds.

Coming up for auction – old, left-handed guitar. Proceeds to hospice funds.

As if the deaths of Bowie, Prince and Frank Sinatra Jnr weren’t enough, now Sultans of Swing rhythm guitarist George has checked out.  He was 100 years old and had a reputation for his comprehensive knowledge of guitar chords, or tabs as they are known today.

Shortly before he died, he asked that he be given a quiet funeral.  “I do not want to make anybody cry or sing,” he said; “it’s strictly rhythm, so if you must clap, please do so in 6/8 time with occasional syncopated emphasis on the offbeat.”

The care home staff were consoled that that he died doing what he loved, with his heart-rate monitor displaying a steady beat right up to the moment of death. Continue reading

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Scientists close to explaining Donald Trump

Do not adjust your TV set.

Do not adjust your TV set.

“For decades, scientists were unable to explain Black Holes,” said Professor Brian Cox, “especially the super massive ones, but then we solved it.  Well, Trump is like a super massive Orange Hole.  Metaphorically speaking.”

Various tests have been run at CERN and lots of scientists have been writing long equations on multiple backboards, working at the very edge of reality.

“Of course we already know that Donald Trump does not exist in the normal sense of the word,” said the Professor, “but that alone may not stop him becoming President.  The current hypothesis is that he is somehow the product of the collective American Mind.”

“But we’re not quite sure yet whether to describe him as a figment of the imagination or a pigment of the imagination.” Continue reading

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Filed under Entertainment, idiots, Intergalactic News, Politics, science, Space, TV, USA

Cameron and Johnson both wrong about terror threat, say ISIS

borisdave2

Is that you’re best shot, you pussy? My mother has a stronger grip.

Islamic State have hit back in the row between David Cameron and Boris Johnson over the terror threat level. Cameron says leaving the EU will make the UK more vulnerable; Johnson says the opposite.

“Praise the Lord, Brexit or not to Brexit makes no f*cking difference,” said ISIS in a Tweet translated by Google.

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Filed under EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics

Hunt still struggling with the meaning of ‘negotiate’

Look, there it is in the dictionary, just after neglect of duty.

Look, there it is in the dictionary, just after neglect of duty.

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has apologised for his poor grasp of the English language after being advised that ‘negotiate’ does not mean ‘annihilate’.

“I was under the impression that to negotiate meant ‘to crush your opponent’,” he said, “but now they’re telling me it means something more like ‘compromise’. I’ll have to look that one up. It’s another new word to add to my vocabulary.”

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Aston Villa found buried beneath Roman Villa

Waste land may be bought up by NCP.

Waste land may be bought up by NCP.

Following the unearthing of a Roman Villa during a barn conversion job in Wiltshire, the archaeologists had another surprise when they dug up a mosaic floor and found Aston Villa underneath that.

“We knew they were on the verge of relegation,” said Dr David Roberts, an Historic England archaeologist, “but hadn’t quite appreciated just how low a team can go.  This one was buried under a thick layer of alluvial sediment.”

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Filed under Banal History, Dating, Europe, Lost and Found, News, Sport

We have enough jars of Dolmio now, thank you, say food banks

Before you dump, think it through.

Before you dump, think it through.

Food banks up and down the country now have enough jars of Dolmio pasta sauce to sink an Italian battleship, thanks to the caring generosity of well-meaning do-gooders.

“As soon as I found out just how much sugar and salt they add to the pink sludge, I emptied my cupboards and started pouring the stuff down the sink,” said housewife Daphne Newton.

“Then my teenage daughter pointed out that the amount of precious clean water and costly sink cleaner I was using far outweighed the benefits of recycling the empty jars and demanded I deliver the remaining two dozen jars to the food bank instead.”

“Well, I couldn’t believe my ears when the woman at the food bank said they already had enough of that particular item, thank you.”

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Filed under Around Harold, charity, Food, Health, Lifestyle, News, Shopping, spam

It’s Back to Basics as Tories launch good old fashioned sex scandal

C Keeler

He said he didn’t know she was a sex worker. Well, he would say that, wouldn’t he?

The general public has welcomed news of a Tory sex scandal.

“Tax avoidance isn’t the easiest subject for people to get their heads around,” said villager Pippa Delaney, “but a good old fashioned romp in a gimp mask is something we can all definitely relate to.”

When Culture Minister John Whittingdale discovered he had done some sex work unwittingly with a sex worker, he immediately declared it in his personal ‘Register of My Member’s Interests’, or diary.

“Even though we were having sex,” he explained, “I did not know it at the time.  I thought she was another member of the Culture Committee.  Other times she was a plumber.  It depended which game we were playing.”

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Filed under breaking news, Culture, Dating, Politics, Sex, Tory sex scandal

Late Tax Return fine elevates Corbyn to Total Hero status

Hero.

Just an ordinary taxpayer.

Millions of people were celebrating last night after hearing the news that Jeremy Corbyn was fined £100 for a late Tax Return.

“Unlike Cameron, Corbyn only had one box to fill in,” said a tax expert, “but he despises all aspects of capitalism and fascist tax collectors in particular and basically couldn’t give a monkey’s nuts about their deadlines.  The man is Legend.”

“He had from early April until the end of the following January to submit his Tax Return,” explained local accountant Geoffrey King. “It’s a remarkable level of procrastination, normally only achievable by ordinary, hard-working people.  No wonder his popularity is on the increase.”

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