Tag Archives: Spoof news

Close deaths of Ruth Rendell and PD James spark police murder probe

RendellThe death of novelist Ruth Rendell has prompted a police investigation after a suggestion on Twitter that her death may the work of serial killer, following the recent death of her friend, bestselling author PD James.

“It sounds like an unlikely plot from one of their own novels, but it is true that our enquires were prompted by a social media report,” confirmed a uniformed police commissioner, whose only apparent qualification for his exalted position seemed to be an ability to panic in the face of a hostile press; and thus provide an object of scorn for the investigating officers.

“The killer is at large, but there is no need to panic, unless you are the author of character based crime fiction set in the UK with a quirky but well-meaning police inspector as the hero,” he continued. Continue reading

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Filed under News, Obituary, Police

Police to probe Miliband stabbing claims

Appropriate use of an NHS blanket?

Appropriate use of an NHS blanket?

The police have launched an investigation following accusations that Ed Miliband was stabbing the British people in the back with the Trident replacement.

In a statement a spokesperson for Westminster police confirmed  the Labour leader was to be questioned later today.

“At this stage we’re not sure how anyone could be stabbed with a nuclear missile, but whenever we receive allegations of wrongdoing, even from the Daily Mail, we are duty bound to investigate to ensure a criminal offence has not been committed.” Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Election 2015

Death of Beatle wife, Joni Lennon

"We couldn't work it out"

“We couldn’t work it out”

The death of John Lennon’s first wife, Joni marks the end of an era when the Beatle WAGS – Joni, Jane, Patti and the other one – were almost as famous as the Fab Four themselves.

However the glamorous life was not for Joni. Although the sixties were swinging all around her, Joni spent much of the time miserably hiding from the limelight due to an unusual aversion to citrus fruit.

Although Joni often said her Beatle husband had never written her a soppy love song, it is believed that he wrote “She’s so Heavy” towards the end of her first pregnancy when Joni was expecting their son, Julian. The couple went on to have 3 more children together – Dick, George, and Anne – before he left her for Japanese artist Yo! Sushi. Continue reading

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Filed under Obituary, Showbusiness

Richard III inspires tour with ‘missing gran’

granny_skullA local from Harold is hoping to emulate the success of Richard III’s bone tour, using the remains of his once-missing gran.

Phil Evans, a farmer from a long line of dead people, claims to have discovered the remains of Evie Evans in a shallow grave behind his silage tanks.

“She’s all there”, revealed Evans. “And in surprisingly good condition, considering she must have buried herself after stamping on her own head around 2 years ago.”

Alive Evans and Deceased Evans have already begun their tour, on the top deck of the Number 63 bus. Using a ceremonial bus pass once thought to have belonged to the thin one, the couple were commented on all the way to Dunstable and back.

PC Flegg admitted she wasn’t sure if the tour was illegal, although she’s asked Phil Evans to stop claiming Evie’s state pension.

“A large IC1 male and a really skinny girl one were questioned by officers, but released after no sense could be made”, explained Flegg.

“We would encourage the public to refrain from making public transport smell any worse than normal, but on the positive side, that’s another missing person I can take off our records.”

 

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Filed under Around Harold

Prince Harry set to step down from Royal Family

So long and thanks for the drinks

So long and thanks for the drinks

Kensington Palace has confirmed Prince Harry will be leaving the Royal Family at the end of June.

A spokesman was keen to stress that the red headed action man was not being thrown out of the Family, saying, “It’s not so much he’s being kicked out of the Royal Family; more, he was never a member of the Family in the first place.”

Palace insiders admitted things had come to a head recently with the lack of any family resemblance becoming increasingly obvious as Prince William’s hair has decided to recede faster than a Sandringham hare at the sight of a royal gun. Continue reading

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Filed under News, Royals

Lenny Henry quits: “It’s time for someone else to benefit from Comic Relief”

Lenny celebrates with stereotypical yellow duck

Lenny celebrates with stereotypical yellow duck

As Comic Relief celebrates 30 years of raising funds for deserving causes by threatening the nation’s television viewers with mild humour, two of its stalwarts have announced their retirement from the cause saying it’s time for others to step forward and benefit from the profile raising free publicity.

Former comedian, Lenny Henry, says he has a lot to thank Comic Relief for, having seen his status rise from token black guy on Tiswas to token twenty stone black guy advertising Premier Inn’s all- you-can-eat-breakfasts. Continue reading

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Filed under News, Showbusiness, TV

Hall and Oates to sue over breakfast cereal named ‘Turgid Shyte’

hallandoatesHall and Oates are suing a cereal firm, claiming its ‘Turgid Shyte’ breakfast mix infringes their copyright.

The case accuses the Tuneless Krap Foods Company of breaking the law with its “obvious play on Daryl Hall and John Oates’ well-known musical style”.

‘Turgid Shyte’ is a nut-free cereal made from maple syrup and oats, described by its makers as a “back-to-basics flavour with all the empty pomposity of bland middle-of-the-road Eighties soul-lite”.

Hall and Oates started working together in the early 1970s, and have become one of the most successful duos in pop history.

Their hits include Maneater, I Can’t Go for That (No Rice Krispies),  and Honey Bunches of Oats with Chocolate Clusters.

The duo protects its brand identity vigorously, and only recently forced a cigarette company to stop using the brand “Middle-Aged Waankers”

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Filed under music, News

Jihadi John was our best ever traffic warden recalls Council

JJOfficials in the revenue protection department of Croydon Borough Council have been reminiscing about their former colleague Mohammed Emwazi who has been identified as vicious ISIS killer Jihadi John.

“Quite simply, Mo was the most successful traffic warden we ever had,” said his former boss, Eric Braithwaite. “He zealously carried out his duties with a fervour that bordered upon fanaticism which did wonders for the Council coffers.”

“Mo had a hypnotic glint in his eye which made motorists generously hand over cash far in excess of any incurred parking penalties,” he continued. “Of course, he realised that he wasn’t universally popular, which was apparently the reason he always carried a machete. Continue reading

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Filed under International News, News

Rifkind admits: “I may have accidentally told the truth yesterday.”

rifkind3

Got any change Mister?

Part-time politician, charmless Thatcher leftover Sir Malcolm Rifkind, apologised today for having told the truth yesterday, when insisting he was ‘entitled’ to more than an MP’s salary of £67,000.

“Quite by mistake, I said what I really believed. I now realise that made me look like a twat. A privileged Tory with my head so far up my bottom that I only see the light of day when I reappear from my own throat. I do hope that clears things up.”

When questioned about his comments on Channel 4’s Dispatches programme, Sir Malcolm Rifkind explained his remarks had been taken out of context. “Yes, I did say I’d a surprising amount of free time, was self-employed and that no-one payed me a salary. But the context was that  I’d forgotten I was an MP; a simple error of judgement. Haven’t you ever forgotten that you work for the Telegraph?”

A former political adviser to Sir Malcolm gave her reaction to his decision to stand down as an MP to BBC News: “I have to say there’s huge respect that he’s done the honourable thing … no, I’m sorry … can we take that again?

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Filed under breaking news, Election 2015, Politics

Trekkie midwife predicts babies won’t be born, but beamed down

Now all we need is a Klingon proof nappy

Now all we need is a Klingon proof nappy

Technology will soon be available to make traditional births a thing of the past with babies set to be beamed down to their nursery cots instead of expectant mothers having to endure a long and sometimes painful labour.

It is a far cry from Call the Midwife, but local midwife Betty Nunn is convinced that beamed births are the way forward, saving millions of pounds for the National Health Service.

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Filed under Health, Medicine, science

UK lends Greece Nick Clegg, to help sell their sell-out

cleggy

Nick hears the call

Greece’s Prime Minister has asked David Cameron for Nick Clegg on loan, as he prepares for a massive climb down on pledges which brought him election success.

The untried Greek government has no experience of being in power and wants a seasoned u-turner behind the scenes to help with excuses.

“Nick is going to be out of contract in May anyway” said Cameron “so we’re lending him out a couple of months early, for 30 hours a week, as a condition of his JSA payment.”

Meanwhile Finance Minister Yanis Varoufakis said he would ‘work night and day until Monday’ to devise the list of reforms. “Except for the weekend, obviously. No-one works weekends in Greece.”

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Filed under Election 2015, Greek bail-out, International News, Politics

Deep fried mars bars aren’t bad for you after all, say experts

"My nan had one every day and she lived to the grand age of 39"

“My nan had one every day and she lived to the grand age of 39”

Warnings that the legendary Scottish delicacy, the deep fried mars bar, was unhealthy were based on flawed evidence and should not have been issued, scientists have said.

An article in the BMJ’s Open Heart journal asserts that advice adopted by authorities in the 1980s was politically motivated and was aimed at stamping out ethnic foods at a time when Scottish nationalism was on the rise.

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Filed under Food, Health, News

PM dismisses Cluedo finding: “It was Reverend Green! In the Larder. With the tax-avoiders”

Fall crucifix, fall!

preaching about the love of money on Sundays and Monday to Friday

David Cameron has defended former Trade Minister Lord Green, who’s behaviour as a boss at ‘The world’s local money laundry’ has been criticised simply because HSBC as a whole were a bunch of corporate chumps.

“Look, Stephen Green only came aboard after a full integrity-vetting from Andy [Coulson]. Then I gave him a fancy title, so he didn’t have to go through all that tiresome ‘being elected’ nonsense. And a job helping businesses to earn money we didn’t have because his previous company helped people to hide money from HMRC. Do I mean HMRC? Or is that HSBC? Oh well.”

The Prime Minister went on “Thieving bastards? No, not at all. And thieving is such a subjective term don’t you think?.”

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Filed under Politics, Religion, Vicars

Wife runs off with ‘listening’ TV

tv_woman

“Sometimes I turn it on”

A housewife from the village of Harold has eloped with the family’s new ‘listening’ Samsung TV, claiming it pays far more attention to her than her husband ever did.

In an interview with the Radio Times, Elsie Renfrew, 42, explained that she  had spent twenty years being ignored by husband Roger, and that the couple had in fact last exchanged greetings in 1997.

“Then we got this new Samsung telly,” she told journalists, “And suddenly I knew something was actually listening to me at long last – for once, something actually cared.”

The television, a FH6200 Series with 60″ screen (diagonal), features voice recognition for channel selection, volume control and wistful confidences about what you could have been if only you’d married someone with a bit more life to them. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Dating, TV

Labour to delay publishing manifesto until after General Election to focus on saving the NHS

One of Labour's controversial new posters

One of Labour’s controversial new posters

Faced with increasing internal pressure to come up with fresh policy ideas, Labour Party strategists have come up with what they describe as a ‘sure fire election winner’ by postponing the publication of their election manifesto until after the General Election.

In interviews over the next few days, leaders will deny accusations that this is due to a dearth of policies by regurgitating their new set of NHS saving mantras which they have spent the last six months working on.

According to an insider at Labour HQ, Ed Miliband feels that working on a lengthy manifesto, which will only provide ammunition to opponents and is never read by the electorate, is a waste of time and resources. The thinking is that Labour can get their message across far more convincingly with sound bites and random promises to throw money at target voters. Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2015, Housing, News

“Amazing!” says Probation Inspector when he learned his wife had won probation contracts

amazed

Hoping for another job working with offenders. Maybe with Sodexo

“I was reading Private Eye recently and discovered that my wife was a Director of Sodexo”, said Paul McDowell the chief inspector of probation.

“I was particularly shocked when I read that Sodexo had partnered with NACRO, a charity I used to run. And if you think that was a co-incidence, that same partnership then won a whole sheaf of probation contracts! What were the chances?”

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Filed under Business, charity, Crime, Law and Order

“Racist” diaries halt Cumberbatch’s campaign to pardon Alan Turing

Another regrettable publication from the past

Another regrettable publication from the past

The campaign led by Benedict Cumberbatch to gain pardons for gay men who were persecuted by the state for the indecency laws of the time, has had a major setback after evidence has come out showing that homosexual men of the era were just as racist as everyone was in those days.

Recently discovered diaries of Alan Turing, mathematical genius and Cumberbatch’s’ best chance of bagging an Academy Award have suggested that Turing had the same prejudiced attitudes towards the black community as everyone else in the early 1950’s as illustrated by the following shocking  extract. Continue reading

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Filed under News, Showbusiness

Liverpool to hire out Balotelli for children’s parties

balotelli

When asked about his stupid hair, he said it was still there, under the wig.

After confirming that Mario Balotelli will not be leaving Liverpool during the January transfer window, Brendan Rodgers has also revealed that the out of favour striker will be available for short-term hire for children’s parties.

The club are hoping to cover a portion of the Italy international’s wages by charging by the hour for him to entertain children with classic routines such as ‘trying to put a training bib on’ and ‘opting to shoot from thirty yards when several teammates are better placed’. Continue reading

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Filed under Sport

Benedict Cumberbatch joins UKIP

cumberbatch

Take this. I’m off to save the pound.

After facing criticism for calling black people  ‘coloured’ on US television, Benedict Cumberbatch has confirmed he has gone one step further and become a member of UKIP.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage was reportedly ‘delighted’ at finding someone else rich, white and gaffe-prone to help replace the increasing numbers of his party who are defecting to even more extreme right-wing organisations, like the Conservative Party.

Cumberbatch swiftly issued an apology for his ‘incorrect’ and ‘offensive’ use of the phrase, saying: ‘I’m devastated to have caused offense by using this outmoded terminology.”

“I appreciate that by accidentally using one word instead of another word I have committed the ultimate crime, for which no punishment can ever be sufficient, no humiliation too great. And so I have decided to join UKIP.” Continue reading

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Filed under Politics, Showbusiness

Drink-driver’s ‘Coronation Street actor’ shame

camilla and babs

Well-known drinker and friend

Well-known drink-driver Barbara Knox acknowledged last week that she’s been living a double life, having appeared repeatedly in a tawdry ITV soap known to its addicted fans simply as Corrie.

Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms, says that social attitudes have changed over the years “The times are long gone when a drink-driver could end up in a couple of episodes of Crossroads by mistake, Continue reading

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Filed under Entertainment, Law and Order, Showbusiness, TV