Tag Archives: Evening Harold

Clearest pictures yet of Pluto captured by local man standing on a dustbin

lampA brave local amateur astronomer who has captured his best ever photograph of demoted planet Pluto following a hazardous mission, has claimed the risks of clambering onto a dustbin in the middle of the night for a better view were well worth taking.

“Despite the risks, I’m delighted with the photographs,” Gerald Snoad said last night after coming out of a ten day period quarantine as a precaution against deep space contamination. “It just goes to show what you can do with some meticulous planning.”

“I believe my photos have captured the loneliness of Pluto, which is essentially an insignificant dot on the horizon, just beyond the Dunstable by-pass.”

It could so easily have been different.  The successful space shot was almost aborted when the council delivered a new wheelie bin to Mr Snoad’s Harold based mission control HQ. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Intergalactic News, science

Labour’s opposition to welfare cuts in full

sgMXV

Chillaxing: contagious across the political spectrum

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Kate and William give Camilla one of baby Charlotte’s used nappies

The Royal Wee?

The Royal Wee?

It’s been quite a week for the Duchess of Cornwall and her growing collection of white accessories. First she was given a used sweatband at Wimbledon by Andy Murray; and yesterday she was given one of little Princess Charlotte’s nappies at her Sandringham christening.

From all accounts, the Duchess has been collecting whites for many years, but this only came to public knowledge last week when the Scottish tennis star threw his sweatband into the Royal Box and a delighted Camilla popped the sweaty item into her handbag. Apparently, the only criteria for items to qualify for her collection are that the items should be white (or white-ish) and to have been used by a notable person.

Prince Charles has been long aware of his wife’s unusual hobby and gave her a set of Queen Victoria’s bloomers as a wedding gift to accompany a pair of underpants of Prince Albert which Camilla has framed above the mantelpiece in her Highgrove House dressing room. Continue reading

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Russell Brand confirmed as Princess Charlotte’s godfather

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Russell Brand: believes he can cure scrofula by touch

With hours to go until her christening Buckingham Palace has announced that Russell Brand will be Princess Charlotte’s godfather.

“I’m doing this out of pity for someone trapped in a bubble of privilege with no idea how ordinary people live,” said the princess. “I thought it would be a nice gesture. Plus we have something in common in that I don’t even superficially understand the world and just talk gibberish too.” Continue reading

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“We’re going to close our eyes and chant la la la”: Fears grow that government’s response to illegal immigrants in Calais is bobbins

head_in_the_sand-461x307

Is Dave staying like this sustainable in the long term?

After putting on his serious face and calling the situation in Calais ‘unacceptable’ David Cameron has now raised fears that the government’s response is bobbins by going to the beach and burying his head in the sand.

“It’s nice and warm in here,” the Prime Minister said in a somewhat muffled statement. “And there’s no need for me to come out. My government has everything under control and our long-term strategy of closing our eyes and chanting ‘la la la’ is far and away the best permanent solution.” Continue reading

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Labour to spend weekend practicing deafening silence ahead of Tory budget

wuzzlesgrp

We’ve honestly forgotten who the Shadow Cabinet are. Is it the Wuzzels? We hope it’s the Wuzzels.

The parliamentary Labour Party are spending the next two days on a country retreat working on how they can provide the least opposition to the first Conservative budget since November 1996.

“We hear that George Osborne is going to favour the wealthy on inheritance tax while also cutting billions from welfare,” a Labour insider who gave their name only as Harriet Harman told us. “We don’t like that at all so in response we’ll be sure to…um…well…hoo…” Continue reading

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Travel chaos: 35 degree heat ‘could cause commuters to stick together’

train

Mind the gap!

Rail experts are warning commuters to avoid travelling in their bathing suits, for fear their sweaty torsos could end up stuck together.

With some slight summer weather forecast for the coming week of summer, Network Rail’s Greg Hostage explained how this could cause chaos.

“We’re not used to it in this country, are we?”, said Hostage. “Which is why when we designed the network, we only imagined the temperature would remain a constant 15 degrees.”

Hostage explained that at 15 degrees, the carriage air-conditioning systems were already running at full capacity, and the rails were on the very point of buckling.

“Imagine what will happen when there’s a freak slight increase in temperature”, he posed. “It’s the sort of unpredictable event that can catch us out, normally during every June, July or August.”

Hostage noticed that just the thought of warm weather had made his thighs stick together, which when scaled up on a computer model saw 1,500 passengers locked in an untangleable, heaving, suction-locked ball.

“Commuters can prevent this by wrapping themselves in cling-film or tin foil, and standing next to someone wearing the opposite”, insisted the Passenger Curtailment Executive. “Or you could ease overcrowding by travelling a little later, perhaps sometime in December?”

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Filed under environment, Travel

19 years on many still afraid Cliff will sing at Wimbledon again

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The horror! The horror!

It hasn’t happened since July 1996 however latest research shows that people’s biggest Wimbledon worry is still the threat of Cliff Richard bursting into song.

“I know there’s heightened security around for other reasons,” a denizen of Murray Mound who gave his name only as Yoda told us, “but for most of us the greatest concern is the weather. Every time there’s a cloud in the sky I feel my stomach tighten. Cloud leads to rain, rain leads to Cliff, Cliff leads to suffering.” Continue reading

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BBC secures rights to broadcast coverage of Wimbledon tennis WAGs

MuzzaFans of Andy Murray’s new wife, Kim, breathed a collective grunt of relief at the news that the BBC has secured the terrestrial TV rights to show the players’ girlfriends, relatives and assorted celebrities whilst they are watching the tennis at Wimbledon.

Acclaiming the news as a major coup, Barbara Slater, BBC Sport Director, said “Whilst we are obviously disappointed that our bid of £15 and dinner with Claire Balding was considered insufficient to retain the rights to cover the tennis itself, we are delighted to be able to continue the coverage of the tennis players’ sweethearts and pushy mothers. Most viewers will hardly notice the difference.” Continue reading

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“Moo about it being ‘totally unacceptable’ then just sit back down”: Cameron’s Calais plan in full

game-thrones-season-5-spoilers-white-walkers-hardhome

To be fair to Calais police some of these chaps who are intent on getting into the UK do seem a bit highly strung. We wouldn’t want to tackle them either.

  1. Blame the French.
  2. Moo about it being ‘totally unacceptable’ then just sit back down.

  3. Never mention that under the Coalition the Border Force had 20% slashed from its budget and its workforce reduced by 5,200. Continue reading

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Gove on outdated legal system failing the poor. “Hang on, that’s my job!”

michael gove again

One thing I learned as Minister for Education was…err…

Letting down the poorest in society should be left to politicians with a proven track record of doing so, thinks Michael Gove.

“If there’s one thing I learned as Education Secretary… two, take away one … yes one thing” said the justice minister yesterday “it’s that you can’t simply let so-called professionals run things. A politician like me, with a fresh new approach – pardon?- well yes, untrammelled by previous experience in the field is another way of putting it – can often makes things better.”

Mr Gove is particularly concerned that there are effectively  two systems of justice in the country. “One Gold Standard, for the rich and well connected and another for those without financial means or influence. That is completely unacceptable to this Conservative government and we will now consign it to the history books”.

“We will rationalise things to create one simple, uniform system across the country.” he promised his audience, adding with a flourish “My predecessor Chris Grayling made a good start by slashing legal aid and decimating support services for domestic violence victims; it now falls to me to finish the job and do away with justice for the poor altogether.”

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Filed under Law and Order, News, Politics

This summer’s news stories in one easy article

SummerHave you ever wondered why the summer’s news is tediously predictable? Well, the EH can exclusively reveal that all newspapers pre-write the summer news so journalists can sod off to the beach rather than sit in sweaty offices waiting for something to happen. Which it never does.

So here is a sample of what we have already written for the summer:

16th July: The temperature sneaks above 20 degrees and a heatwave is finally declared. First use of “Scorcher” in a headline.  Everyone rushes to the beaches and then rushes away again after a killer shark panic on a Devonian beach. The Great White Shark turns out to be a boringly harmless basking shark. Continue reading

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Dads look forward to a rare Sunday without household chores

man asleep on sofa

Even after a hectic week, some men are flat out around the house at weekends

Harold’s fathers are busy planning what not to do on 21st June when, in a break from tradition, their womenfolk will undertake the bulk of cooking, cleaning and childcare.

Many men are still recovering from their Mothers Day exertions, believing it was only ‘a couple of weeks ago’ that they left an unwrapped box of Milk Tray and a small bunch of dayglo flowers on their mum’s’ front doorstep.
Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Greetings cards, Lifestyle, News

Villagers adopt Ramadan to get away with being crap at work for a month

Sunshine

Opportunist slackers remember, when the sun is in the sky at work you don’t have to try

With one day left until Ramadan workshy villagers are preparing to embrace the idea of fasting for a month during daylight hours in the belief it will give them a brilliant excuse for being rubbish at work.

“I’m not a Muslim,” healthcare assistant Daphne Newton said. “But can you imagine not eating or drinking for up to nineteen hours a day? I reckon I’d be quite cranky and non-productive so I thought I’d slack off for the next thirty days. Then if the boss has a go I’ll say it’s Ramadan and all cultural and she’ll leave me alone.” Continue reading

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Harold Mayor ‘outed as white’ by his own family

Minstrel

Rufus D Jackson in his mayoral robes

Harold Mayor and one time US movie star Rufus D. Jackson has been ‘outed’ as a white man by his parents.

Derek & Rita Jackson wrote to The Evening Harold from their home in South Yorkshire, alleging that Rufus has been falsely portraying himself as black for many years.

We spoke with Derek, a retired duck farmer, and Rita, a former nursery nurse. They told us that Rufus was born Richard Derek Jackson, and began blacking up in 1972 in order to break into the blaxplotation film industry. Rufus enjoyed a successful movie carer, staring in many films including Black Knuckle Sandwich, Black Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, and Black Fruit Punch, before returning to the UK to pursue his love of local politics.

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EH Quiz: Have I just been knighted or made a dame?

knighthood_2102973iThe Queen’s birthday honours list can be confusing. With so many names and different gongs being handed out it’s hard to keep track of who’s got what. So here’s our guide to determining if you’re one of the lucky ones who now has to shog off to the palace and not flinch when an old woman comes at them with a blade.

  1. Premier Inns are:

a) fuck huts for proles.
b) pretty good for the price.
c) the single greatest achievement in human history. Continue reading

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Elizabeth Hurley named as Britain’s national bird

Look at the beak on that!

Look at the beak on that!

The news that Elizabeth Hurley has been named by readers of the Daily Telegraph as Britain’s favourite bird has been greeted with delight by the nation’s bird fanciers.

The much loved Hurley is a common sight in our gardens and is easily identified by her prominent orange breast, often referred to as ‘that plumage’ by aficionados.  She is highly territorial and can often be spotted begging for worms near gardeners who are doing a bit of digging. Continue reading

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Filed under Nature, Showbusiness

Business as usual for Christopher Lee following his un-death

Fangs for the memory ...

Fangs for the memory …

The inconvenience of death will not interrupt the amazing career of Christopher Lee who, according to his agent, was signed up to star in a Zombie blockbuster movie only moments after the announcement of his undeath from supernatural causes.

“For many actors, stepping over to the other side is something of a setback to their career, but for Christopher, it will be business as usual,” said his agent Morticia De’ath. “The offers have been flooding in since news of his demise came through.” Continue reading

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E-cigarettes ‘could make you look like a bell-end’ warn scientists

There's something wrong with your pen

There’s something wrong with your pen mate

With e-cigarettes in the spotlight amid a potential ban in Wales, scientists have warned that using the devices can make you look like a bell-end.
“Most debate focusses around the relative health benefits compared to regular cigarettes”, explained Doctor Adam Wale, Professor of self-image at the University of Exeter, “But we do not yet fully understand the long-term risks associated with making yourself look like a bell-end by essentially smoking a pen.”
“This is an issue that can stay with you forever, especially if you are photographed with your device as a permanent reminder of just how ridiculous you look.”

Continue reading

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Naked climber accused of causing earthquake denies fracking

"So, our customs override their traditions, right?"

“So, our customs override their traditions, right?”

Eleanor Hawkins, the British backpacker accused of causing an earthquake by stripping off at the summit of a sacred mountain, has denied she or any of her fellow naked tourists engaged in any fracking activities.

Speaking from her cell in a Malaysian jail, the 26 year old, “I admit we took off our clothes for a group selfie, and I admit that we all urinated on the mountain. But wouldn’t anybody if they found that their leader had jokingly replaced the drinking water with champagne?” she asked defiantly. Continue reading

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