Labour to spend weekend practicing deafening silence ahead of Tory budget

We’ve honestly forgotten who the Shadow Cabinet are. Is it the Wuzzels? We hope it’s the Wuzzels.

The parliamentary Labour Party are spending the next two days on a country retreat working on how they can provide the least opposition to the first Conservative budget since November 1996.

“We hear that George Osborne is going to favour the wealthy on inheritance tax while also cutting billions from welfare,” a Labour insider who gave their name only as Harriet Harman told us. “We don’t like that at all so in response we’ll be sure to…um…well…hoo…”

“This cynical, harsh budget panders to Tory backbenchers and the rich minority,” she continued. “Unfortunately these are also the people who were bothered enough to get up off their arses on May 7th and vote.”

“I dunno, maybe we’ll carve some alternatives into a big lump of stone or something. That worked so well last time…”