Tag Archives: Council

by | October 7, 2015 · 1:40 pm

Council spends £750k adding stone circle to town hall prayer room

henge

Pagans welcomed the stones, which they will use for ritual purposes.

A prayer room in Harold has undergone a 350 metric tonne refit, to make it more suitable for pagans.

The 6-ft by 8-ft room now features a full-scale druidic stone circle, complete with a folding cairn, to accomodate Picts.

Nigel Thorvald welcomed the move, despite the eye-watering cost. “One shouldn’t put a price on appeasing Our Goddess”, he insisted.

Other workers have complained that the ‘impossibly cramped’ prayer room is now unsuitable for their interests. The sheer volume of beef waste has been a sticking point for some.
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by | May 31, 2015 · 12:32 am

Health and safety course postponed over concerns of training manual weight

trainingA Harold Council health and safety training course due to be held on Monday has been postponed following concerns about the weight of the training folder.

The updated folders were delivered to the council offices on Friday, but due to their now excessive weight they have been left on the floor, surrounded by highly visible tape, a warning sign, and a copy of the council’s public liability insurance certificate.

“The delivery driver romantically dropped off the training material on bended knee, with a straight back, and arms at shoulder length,” Joan Willis, the council’s health and safety officer said. “It was text book manual handling. Well at least we think it was.

“Sadly we can’t be sure as the amount of health and safety rules we now need to follow means the health and safety training manual is too heavy for anyone to move and check.”
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by | May 24, 2014 · 8:00 am

“How can I hate racists? Some of my best friends are racist” Britain says

20140524-004916-2956121.jpg Following the relative success of Ukip in the English council election, and their expected results in the European ballot, many right-minded people are now having to backtrack from their pre-election smears.

With casual racism being proven an accepted political position, and the fact you are statistically never more than 15 feet from a Ukip voter, people across the country are now saying “how can I hate racists, some of my best friends are racists”.

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by | May 22, 2014 · 11:00 am

Mayor apologises for holding elections in public toilets

voter

Finger mark proves this chap used the facilities.

The Mayor of Harold has apologised for using the public toilets as a polling booth for the European elections.

Regulars found their way blocked by people with clipboards, asking them if they’d made up their mind about where they were leaving their mark.

“I often pop into these toilets to deal with a range of unpleasantries”, said local farmer David Evans. “I don’t give it much thought, or fully understand the workings of the complex system that deals with my shit.”

Evans was furious that he was unable to vote in his favourite trap, but delighted that the council had finally employed people to hand out toilet paper.
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by | November 4, 2013 · 7:00 am

‘School run mums’ teach kids ‘tuck and roll’ exit technique

Jumper

‘Don’t forget your sandwiches…’

School run mums in Harold are teaching their children to exit vehicles at speed, to avoid fines from council stooges with cameras.

Dozens of parents have been fined for parking illegally while dropping their kids off at the local primary school, with photographic evidence being used to make the charges stick in court.

But desperate families who live some 1200 yards away have adopted an alarming new technique, which involves ejecting children at speeds of up to 20 miles an hour.
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by | June 19, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Local council to use potholes to ease graveyard overcrowding

pothole grave With the number of available graveyard plots critically low, and the amount of potholes raising, a local council in the village of Harold have decided to cure the two problems with one easy solution. Any body looking to have a funeral at a reduced rate can choose to be buried in a pothole.

“This idea solves so many problems” Councillor Ronsson told us, “Graveyard don’t fill up, potholes get filled in, and the remaining family aren’t left having to find the money for a proper funeral.
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by | May 13, 2013 · 11:00 am

Third councillor ‘would back exit from Bedfordshire’

haroldsign copy

Signs will be printed very locally

With exiting organisations currently all the rage, a third Harold councillor has declared they would ‘happily walk away from Bedfordshire tomorrow’.

Harold has already declared independence from Europe, NATO and Groupon, but the latest move could see the village become ‘more insular than many dared dream’.

“There are some good things about being in Bedfordshire”, Ron Ronsson admitted. “It’s a relatively small county, and not many people visit. But given an in/out referendum, I’d have to say ‘out’. It doesn’t do to dwell too long on the positives.”
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by | May 3, 2013 · 7:00 am

Records smashed ‘in a bad way’ as local election turnout hits an all-time low

Polling_Station_2008Records were broken at the local parish elections yesterday when it was revealed that the turnout of just five votes was 50% lower than the previous record low.

At a press conference, attended exclusively by the Evening Harold, Mayor Rufus D Jackson conceded that the polls were nothing to be proud of: “This is an historic day for our community but in a bad way. The fact that each of the candidates received just one vote each is not good, but at least I’ve retained office so it’s not all bad. It sustains my faith in democracy.”

Jackson admitted that it appeared that only the five candidates actually voted: “We will have to look into this of course,” adding “Questions will be asked in the Jackson household as to why I only received one vote.” Continue reading →

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by | April 30, 2013 · 12:30 pm

UKIP clown blames car breakdown on failure to register for election

clown

Koko – the UKIP Candidate

Dave Koko, UKIP’s representative in the village council contest has admitted that a comedy of errors has resulted in his failing to register for this Thursday’s election.

Part time fireman, Koko, 35, who has been a UKIP member for five years, was previously a member of the Monster Raving Loony Party but he was excluded for being too extreme.

Wearing his trademark UKIP outfit complete with red nose and size 19 shoes, Koko blamed his car for his not making the deadline for filing his election papers. ‘My car is always breaking down,’ he sighed. ‘First it stops moving so I get out and open the bonnet. Then water spurts into my face, so I kick the car in retaliation. Then the doors fall off and the tyres go flat. Finally the bumpers crash to the ground and the car gives out a loud fart. It’s getting beyond a joke!’ Continue reading →

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by | April 26, 2013 · 8:00 am

Bus stop gets a ‘blue plaque’ to celebrate its conception rates

Despite the rumours, the plaque was stuck on with glue

Despite the rumours, the plaque was stuck on with glue

A local bus stop has been given the honour of receiving a blue plaque in recognition of its contribution to successful conception rates in the village.

It is believed that over half of the residents of Harold have been conceived in the bus stop, and as a quick look in the adjacent litter bin will testify many more have had practice sessions.

The plaques, which are seen up and down the country, are used to denote buildings of significant importance. The shelter will be the first rural bus stop to receive the honour .
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by | April 15, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Admin error sees murder rates soar

speed copyMurder rates in the village of Harold have risen dramatically over the last 3 weeks following an admin error on a speed awareness sign. The sign, which was ordered by a now sacked JSA claimant, tells drivers to ‘kill a child, not your speed’, but a reduction in funding means it would now be too expensive to replace.

Recent local government cuts has meant replacing the sign is out of the question. The local council have tried to use Tip-ex to amend the sign to read ‘kill your speed, not a child’, but have found parents too eager to scratch it off.

Councillor Ronsson, ex-father of three, explained the difficulties the council were having. “The people of Harold are a very moral bunch, so when they see Tip-ex on a sign they immediately clear the graffiti off. Unfortunately they respect authority as well, so did exactly what the sign says, some a little too keenly.”
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by | April 11, 2013 · 8:00 am

Haroldbook’s decision to charge for messages causes upset

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Some villagers in Harold have been left distraught by Haroldbook’s decision to start charging users for sending messages to village celebrities outside of their circle of friends. Haroldbook has become a tremendous success since its launch last year by management prodigy Simon Kettle (14) with nearly everyone signing up to the website which allows them to post status updates, list their friends, anonymously harass their enemies and create a fabulous online persona entirely at odds with their real lives.

Haroldbook has been the alleged cause of rows, family break-ups and, last July, a riot when Eddie, landlord of The Squirrel Lickers’ Arms, posted that there would be no more lock ins or take homes. Peace was only restored when it was discovered that Eddie had meant to type that there would be no more Look Ins or Take Hearts as he was throwing out part of his extensive eighties children’s TV collection to make room for a job lot of Thundercats he’d got off eBay.
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by | April 8, 2013 · 11:30 am

Town twinning committee seeks new members as tragic incident depletes numbers

Road baghdadHarold’s town twinning committee is looking to recruit 3 new members after their latest overseas visit ended in tragedy.

The group of Harold town councillors and local dignitaries had been returning to Damascus from a highly successful community relation enhancement exercise in Aleppo when their bus was hit by a rocket propelled grenade, believed to have been fired by forces loyal to President Bashar-al-Assad. This latest incident brings the town twinning committee’s death toll to twelve. Continue reading →

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