He can see his ears without looking in a mirror
Hapless character in a crap sitcom come to life, Ed Miliband, will give a speech at London University today listing the reasons why he should be Prime Minister. The Evening Harold has managed to obtain a copy of the speech – a nice old man called Alan J-something gave it to us with a smile and a hearty wink – and can now exclusively reveal the top ten reasons Ed Miliband believes he is the right person to lead the UK. Continue reading
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Concerns over bankers’ bonuses were quickly quashed this morning as all of the five banks reassured customers the people responsible for huge fines for interest rate rigging would still be generously rewarded.
The collective fine of £2bn saw the public concerned that the often bashed bankers may have to forgo multi-million pound bonuses, but as Ross McEwan, Chief Executive of publicly owned RBS explained they have been punished enough.
O’Leary: blandness can be hard to notice.
X-Factor presenter Dermot O’Leary has admitted he is entirely made from Lego.
Persistent rumours on social media have hinted that O’Leary doesn’t have working elbows, and is only capable of one expression.
But while the TV star revealed he was injection-moulded in a factory in Denmark, he insisted he is still ‘perfectly suited’ to hosting ITV’s top show.
“Everybody loves me because I’m so bland and unthreatening”, suggest O’Leary. “And I’m non-toxic, as well as reasonably poseable.”
“You can bend my little legs up and pop me on almost any vehicle you can think of, the only limit is your imagination”, he said. “But if you haven’t got an imagination, you can still put me on X-Factor. I’m perfect for it, because I make the acts and the judges seem more real.”
O’Leary told the press he has been secretly made from Lego for a number of years. At his lowest point, he found himself swapping his head with a Duplo horse, and pretending he was Clare Balding.
“It’s nice to have the truth out there at last”, smiled O’Leary, while holding a big microphone just yards from his face.
“People often suspect celebrities to get up to all sorts when they’re off-camera. But not me! They just take my hair off, and put me in a box.”
However, O’Leary also claimed he wasn’t entirely bland an unthreatening, and he’d been given a warning in the past. “I’ve still got it here, I keep it to remind me. It says ‘Choking hazard, not suitable for 0-3 years’.”
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No one wants to be last in a line-up
High Street sharks have warned that ‘unnecessary’ new Government regulations will force desperate families into the hands of back street sharks.
“With us, borrowers know where they are” said Peter Jackal, Wonga’s Director of Corporate Irresponsibility “Trousers round the ankles, head down the toilet and being right-royally buggered by a set of loveable cartoon characters.”
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Will we cope without them? Yes.
ITV has confirmed that it will stop broadcasting after tens of thousands of people signed an online petition calling for it to do so on the grounds that its output is damaging the nation’s IQ. Continue reading
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Bob Geldof has announced that there is to be a fourth incarnation of Band Aid to highlight the 30th anniversary of Africans not knowing it’s Christmas.
“You would have thought they’d have got the message by now,” Geldof said, “but after millions of pounds, four songs, countless concerts and 30 years of Celebrities desperately trying to raise their profile, they still spend the 25th December walking 8 miles to get water instead of watching the Queen’s Christmas message.”
The UK’s first e-cigarette TV advert to show vaping will air tonight staring this year’s star of the John Lewis Christmas campaign, Monty the Penguin.
To be shown after the watershed, the advert will show a stressed out penguin vaping for the first time on TV.
“Over 10 million YouTube hits has taken its toll,” Monty said, “and I found it hard to cope with the new found fame.
“Add living in an unnatural environment for a penguin and a forced marriage into the mix and it’s amazing I’m only on e-cigs and haven’t p-p-p-p-picked up a vodka.”
“Hmm. I don’t think much of the leader either. Who is he?”
Shadow Ministers will arrive at ‘work’ today with a spring in their steps, knowing that, as a final act of kindness, Ed Miliband will be culled before the weekend.
Lord Kinnock’s ringing endorsement of Labour’s human drag-anchor was the penultimate nail in the near-complete coffin, according to Lady Kinnock.
“Good grief! Neil didn’t know he was leading us to defeat, even when he’d already done it once before. As soon as I heard him talking-up Ed on Radio 4, I got my black dress and veil out of the attic and straight round to the cleaners”.
Colleagues queuing for tickets to stab Ed in the back, debated when the deed should be done. Some favoured Remembrance Day, with the nation’s attention elsewhere for a minute at 11am; others Friday morning, to allow the new leader a full weekend before calls for their resignation begin.
“Yes, it was only this morning that I noticed Ed was useless,” briefed a potential leadership candidate yesterday “but you can trust in my vision for economic prosperity. Sorry, gotta go, Yvette’s doing a Sunday roast.”
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“Me. Me. Meeeeeeee!”
Ukip leader Nigel Farage has poured scorn on tomorrow’s wreath laying ceremony at the Cenotaph complaining that it fails to celebrate him adequately.
“This is the ‘closed shop’ of the British political system in action,” Farage complained. “When it is clear that at this time what the nation needs is me front and centre I have been side-lined in favour of political leaders with more than one MP and an old woman in a black hat.” Continue reading
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You can’t all have bloody shot me!
Producers of the forthcoming reboot of the popular soap opera Dallas have revealed that the first season will feature a gripping “Who shot Osama?” storyline.
Details of the plot are being kept closely guarded, but a few tantalising details of the story and characters have leaked out.
Osama Bin Laden is an international terrorist and Texas oilman, the eldest son of the rich Ewing family, a sadistic bully and swindler who captures the hearts of ladies with his devilish charm.
Drinking coffee one night in his darkened compound in Abbottabad, he hears a noise. “Who’s there?” he calls, but his only answer is the arrival of a crack US Navy Seal execution force, who swiftly eliminate him before dumping the body at sea.
Unusually for these stories, the suspects will all claim to have carried out the execution, arguing their case for being the killer in a series of magazine and television interviews.
The suspects will include:
Fans of the original series have been cautious in their reaction to the story leak, with many worried that the whole idea is so ridiculous that no-one could possibly take it seriously, much like the entire US and UK Middle East policy.
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Zzzzzzz!
Spirits were high at Radio Harold following their announcement that the popular station had doubled its record collection with the acquisition of a second record.
“The purchase of ‘Now that’s what I call Easy Listening Vol 6’ allows us to deliver our vision of a requests show,” said controller Mavis Jackson. “Obviously, listeners’ choices will be restricted to the two records in our library but they will be able to choose from some 15 tracks, if you don’t include the Cliff Richard song. That should be enough to fill the airwaves for days!”
“This exciting news gives us the opportunity to refresh our programme schedules,” continued Ms Jackson. “Our ever popular feature ‘What’s in my hedge?’ will be trimmed to a daily fifteen minutes and the God Spot, when the Rev. Tansy Forster gives advice on skin aliments, Continue reading
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Balls, Burnham and Cooper react to Ed’s assurances he won’t step down
Yvette Cooper and Andy Burnham have strenuously denied having a meeting to discuss plans to make Labour win the next election.
The meeting between the two was to discuss the possibility of Ed Miliband launching his best policy to date, his resignation.
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November 7, 2014 · 9:09 am
“I definitely came up with this first” insisted Brand.
Russell Brand has started legal action against legendary author Alan Moore, claiming he stole his face for an iconic Guy Fawkes mask.
Brand, 444, revealed he was the inspiration for graphic novel ‘V for Vendetta’, despite Moore never meeting him or caring if he was dead or alive.
“What it is, right, is a ponderous liberty with me visage”, said Brand. “I’ve been contriving for a fulmination of parliament from the first day I was on drugs. Parklife.”
Defence lawyers for Moore pointed out that he didn’t ‘draw a bloody thing’, but simply wrote the story for David Loyd to illustrate. “Aye, but the flocculent visionary was thinking of me when he wroted it, dint ‘e? Parklife”, insisted Brand.
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The Daily Bollocks
The Daily Mail’s exclusive story attacking the makers of feminist t-shirts for sweatshop conditions has been revealed to be total bollocks, it was revealed today.
In an unsurprising development, the Mail’s bitter criticism of the charity behind the ‘This is what a feminist looks like’ shirts has been comprehensively refuted by the Fawcett Society, which has produced evidence that the workers were paid above minimum wage, worked reasonable hours, were allowed to join unions and received paid overtime.
Eva Neitzert, deputy chief executive of the society, said in a statement: “We’re not surprised, frankly. That tedious bunch of bigoted arseholes will do anything to ridicule women. What a depressingly predictable load of toss.”
Following in the footsteps of Jordan Axani, the Canadian man who is giving away his ex-girlfriend’s round-the-world plane ticket to anyone sharing her name, Sir Richard Branson has announced he is giving away his ticket on the first Virgin Galactic space flight to anyone called Sir Richard Branson.
His decision to give away the ticket comes days after his relationship with space travel hit a rocky patch for what he calls “self-preservation reasons”.
“I love the thought of being one of the first people to travel on a commercial space flight, but the more I think about it the more I realise I love myself more” the bearded knight explained.
Farage gives his opinion on Gove (pot & kettle?)
The corridors of Westminster were reeling last night following the astonishing revelation that a disillusioned Michael Gove recently attempted to join UKIP and, even more amazingly, his application was rejected personally by leader Nigel Farage.
Once the class swot, it was known that the former Education Secretary had felt side-lined since his demotion to Westminster dorm monitor so the news that he had been actively seeking a new position was not a huge surprise; but the question every political commentator wanted answered yesterday was, ‘Why had the UKIP hierarchy decided not to hire Gove?’
The answer came last night at throwing out time at Farage’s favourite hostelry, known locally as The Xenophobe Arms. Besieged by journalists, Nigel Farage held an impromptu press conference.
“It’s all about image,” he started. “We want to show we are a serious political party so we can’t just allow anyone to join. In fact you could say we at UKIP have our own immigration policy,” he added jovially.” Continue reading
Muslims in Harold and Dunstable are feeling the cold having been ordered by the local council to forgo clothes and instead wear giant poppies.
“It’s time we knew whose side they’re on,” said Councillor Ron Ronsson. “Muslims wearing poppies, and only poppies, is no more than the brave men and women of Her Majesty’s armed forces deserve. Anyone refusing to comply is letting Isis win.” Continue reading
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Sad poppy, slumped in despair, yesterday
Stupid friends you have on Facebook are persisting in sharing Britain First’s posts, despite it being obvious that the organisation is a bunch of Nazi fuckwits, it emerged today. The arrival of remembrance season has made your less intelligent acquaintances even more tiresome than usual, with many happy to share a photo of Hitler provided it has a poppy and a starving dog in the picture.
Hopes had been high that even the most disappointing of your friends would have realised by now that sharing these posts is the online equivalent of wearing your own faeces as a hat, but sadly the penny seems yet to drop.
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Norma Jean Baker in happier times
Hapless Theresa May had barely sat down after pretending to apologise to the Commons for last weeks balls-ups, when ‘some Lib-Dem woman’ resigned from her team yesterday afternoon.
“I’m grateful to Norma Jean for all her work for the Home Office over the last err… Continue reading
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We can’t imagine where they got the idea
In response to his continual failure to be in any way believable as a human being, the Labour Party are to gender-swap Ed Miliband. Voting for Miliband to be Prime Minister is currently nestling between being sicked on on the nightbus and taking a long steamy shower with Piers Morgan on the official list of the top one hundred things no one ever wants to do. Continue reading
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