Hapless character in a crap sitcom come to life, Ed Miliband, will give a speech at London University today listing the reasons why he should be Prime Minister. The Evening Harold has managed to obtain a copy of the speech – a nice old man called Alan J-something gave it to us with a smile and a hearty wink – and can now exclusively reveal the top ten reasons Ed Miliband believes he is the right person to lead the UK.
- He casts no shadow.
- His casual racism and drinking beer practise has really come on. He’s just as good as Farage.
- Has an uncanny ability to make people feel better about themselves and their own abilities.
- Has learned every spell from Harry Potter – “just in case”.
- The UK needs its own George W. A pretzel is nothing compared to a bacon sandwich.
- He can ride a bike with no hands. Okay, a tricycle. But still, with no hands.
- He will get on well with Ebola and eradicate Obama.
- He can hold his breath for ten minutes.
- As an alchemist of some note he will be able to get the UK out of debt quite easily.
- We can show the world how far we’ve come: voting Ed in as Prime Minister will demonstrate how even a multi-millionaire from Hampstead can succeed in modern Britain.
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