The working class. This was a documentary, right?
David Cameron has been left “confused and more than a little amused” by Labour’s latest bout of hand-wringing over the working class.
“Why Emily Thornberry was sacked or what the problem with not liking the poor and those who refuse to play by the rules and better themselves is is simply beyond me,” the Prime Minister was heard to say at a private event last night. Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
For some reason she’s got a whole page to herself in it
Following on from the recent launch of their own currency Isis has taken another commerce-focussed break from dragging the world back to the 12th century and leaving it there. Briefly embracing modern life once more they’ve released Isis sticker packs and an album to put them in. Continue reading
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Blanc trying to ‘pick-up’ his hand
“Now that women won’t touch my bargepole with a bargepole, I’ve had to rethink my approach” said Blanc. “That’s when I thought I’d use all my usual pick-up techniques to seduce my hand.”
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Filed under International News, Lifestyle
It’s a hard knock life
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Filed under Politics
If a man whose work shortened the war by two years was destroyed by the state for being gay; who knows what they would have done back in the 1950s to Graham Norton for presenting insipid chat shows.
This World War II movie is a story of the relationship between eccentric mathematical genius, Alan Turing played annoyingly well by Benedict Cumberbatch, and his one true love Christopher, the machine that he created to crack the Nazi enigma codes at the top-secret Bletchley Park.
To break the monotony of frustrated ex-public schoolboys, an alluring Keira Knightley is introduced as a brilliant crossword solver, however it turns out that the gay Turing is not for turning. In a touching scene towards the end of the film, Turing declares his devotion to the whirring Christopher leaving Keira to seek a boffin elsewhere. Continue reading
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Filed under Culture, Showbusiness
So proud
Only hours after backtracking on their decision to welcome Ched Evans back to the club, Sheffield United have caused more controversy by announcing that despised ‘pick-up artist’ Julien Blanc will begin training with them on Monday.
Blanc has been struggling with fitness after legal difficulties prevented him from being loathsome in several countries, and the Sheffield club are believed to have offered him facilities to practise choking, grabbing and being an arsehole.
“We’re enormously proud,” explained manager Nigel Clough. “We feel that just because he’s a revolting piece of slime, he shouldn’t be prevented from making a living.”
“We might have been a bit naive with the whole Ched Evans thing, but who could possibly have thought that anyone would be unhappy about us welcoming back a rapist? It’s a funny old world.”
“Anyway, this time we really think we’ve got it right – surely no-one can complain about Julien Blanc.”
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Filed under Sport
Liar liar, or flyer, flyer? Either way, Billy’s pants would be on fire.
A 26-stone villager who claimed to have completed a 185 mile bike ride on Facebook has been accused of ‘peddling a lie’.
William ‘Billy’ McKean, 42, posted a map of his route, with stats showing a completion time of 3 hours, during which he burned an astonishing 27,950 calories.
“Normally, I believe everything I read on Facebook”, said Pippa Delaney. “But then it occurred to me that Billy works up a sweat just taking his trolley back in Tesco’s car park. And also, he doesn’t own a bike.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Social media, Sport
The fruit plate
The prospect of his eventual coronation coming at a time of growing civil unrest and revolution will not stop him from intervening in national affairs, even if his head should end up being cut off and placed on a spike, Prince Charles has confirmed.
Rising public disaffection with authority and unprecedented support for republicanism are likely to combine in an explosively violent uprising in which Buckingham Palace will be stormed by the masses and those within slaughtered, the Prince has admitted, but he is adamant that he will continue to press for farmers’ rights wherever possible.
“He will be true to his beliefs and convictions,” said a palace source. “Particularly those relating to Duchies. He’s not actually aware of any actual Duchies other than that of Cornwall, but he’s going ‘balls-out’ for them anyway.”
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Filed under Royals, Troubled Families
If you want a vision of the future, imagine having to stare at this face – forever.
As the Rochester & Strood by-election takes place today Britain will be forced once again to endure saturation coverage of Nigel Farage’s enormous mouth.
“I’m all for democracy,” Harold pensioner Tom Stalling told us. “I just wish it could happen without having to see a thousand images of the bleak cavern of cliché and invective that resides under that cream-faced loon’s nose.”
Other villagers have told us that they feel they will be able to cope with a day of inescapable Farage-mouth pictures.
“Doesn’t bother me,” said Sally Kettle. “I’d rather see his mouth than Kim Kardashian’s oily arse any time.”
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Filed under Politics
‘Till death do us part …
Afton Elaine Burton, the 26 year old who has just married ritualistic mass murderer Charles Manson, has filed for divorce just hours after learning that the brutal killer had unexpectedly passed a parole board hearing and the octogenarian texted her saying how much he was looking forward to consummating their marriage.
Burton, who runs a website protesting the innocence of America’s most notorious serial killer, has denied that the wedding had been an elaborate publicity stunt which had gone horribly wrong.
“The fact that my Charlie will soon be at liberty and no longer safely locked away is nothing to do with my decision to seek a divorce,” she said defiantly.
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Filed under Crime, International News
In a bid to repair the damage to Ed Miliband’s reputation following his grilling by a singing competition winner, his PR team lined an easy interview that should have been almost impossible to cock up with the Cookie Monster.
Although he repeats the same phrase and has a famous inability to string a sentence together, Miliband’s team didn’t think it would hold him back against the Sesame Street character.
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Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics
That’s the one!!!
The hotel which scandalously charged a couple £100 for leaving critical comments on travel review website Trip Advisor has been named as the BROADWAY HOTEL in BLACKPOOL , it has emerged.
The BROADWAY HOTEL in BLACKPOOL is so desperate to avoid bad publicity that they have a policy of threatening guests with fines for bad reviews, whether the reviews of PEELING CARPET, DIRTY BEDS, NO HOT WATER and INEDIBLE BREAKFAST are true or not.
The terms and conditions on the hotel’s booking form state: “For every bad review left on any website, the group organiser will be charged a maximum £100 per review.”
The hotel, currently rocking a massive two stars on TripAdvisor, apparently has no policy about guests leaving good reviews, presumably because this has never happened.
Trading Standards manager John Greenbank admitted that the policy was certainly an effective way of preventing bad publicity.
“Having to pay a fine will certainly stop guests from leaving bad reviews about TERRIBLE SERVICE AT THE BROADWAY HOTEL IN BLACKPOOL,” he commented.
“However, it seems possible that certain other websites run by people who have no intention of staying at the hotel will still be free to comment on the reports of PEELING CARPET, DIRTY BEDS, NO HOT WATER and INEDIBLE BREAKFAST AT THE BROADWAY HOTEL IN BLACKPOOL, and it’s not impossible that these websites could feature highly in Google’s search results,” he conceded.
The manager of the hotel was not available for comment last night, and was last seen going around frantically trying to buy up the internet.
You decide: Hitler, Chaplin or Blakey from ‘On the Buses’?
With his UKIP troops poised to take Westminster by storm, nagging doubts have been voiced after Nigel Farage appeared in public sporting a moustache reminiscent of that belonging to prominent German politician Adolf Hitler.
Amazingly it was clear from his demeanour at the Rochester hustings that the right wing leader had no idea of the similarity his upper lip bore to the Nazi leader.
In a bizarre local radio interview, Farage was asked about his moustache. “It’s jolly good, isn’t it?” he said, stroking the fresh growth. “I’m doing it for the Movember charity which raises funds for men without balls or something. Our PR people thought it would be a good idea.”
Once the interviewer had grasped the concept of UKIP actually having PR people, he asked Continue reading
Intensive training should improve speed and technique for the GP itself
Although crowd funding allows Caterham F1 to contest the season finale, high fuel costs mean cuts elsewhere and plucky Harold Scouts have agreed to step in and provide cheap pit-crew services.
“It’s not our first vehicle venture.” said Rev Tansy Forster of 3rd Harold Scouts “Last year we made over £32.73 from a sponsored car wash and we’ll carry that experience into the race next weekend.”
The in-administration race team hopes to be competitive, but has taken on board Institute of Advanced Motorist advice to ‘drive at 50 in 7th gear for best fuel efficiency’.
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November 18, 2014 · 8:54 am
Harold’s oldest man was thrown out of Dunstable Sports Centre by two over-zealous bouncers when they saw he was not in the age range that the Centre’s leaflets claimed it had fun for.
As startled visitors to the Centre looked on, Alfred “Fred” Spanner (107) was marched out of the complex in an armlock and dumped on the pavement outside, being told that, “there’s nothing for you here” by the bouncers.
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Filed under Around Harold
Come hell or high water, Evans will continue to darken people’s doors.
A postman in Harold has served the community for forty long years, and revealed how much he hated every last one.
Nigel Evans has worked for the post office since he left school at 16, and has been overlooked for promotion annually for the past four decades.
Batchelor Evans, now 56, is a familiar face in the village. Most residents occasionally notice him shuffling round the streets, or spend hours trying to console him as he sits sobbing on their doorsteps.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Society
May contain crap
Never knowingly underexposed celebrity Kim Kardashian has announced that her next project is to attempt to do mankind’s biggest defecation.
Kardashian Publicity Assistant 114 said the most common reactions to Kim’s recent naked photo shoot was ‘wow, what a massive butt’ and ‘jeez, she is full of crap’, and it was Kim’s own idea to combine the two in the ‘world’s biggest dump’ project.
“Kim is so intelligent to think of the idea, but she is dedicated too. To ensure the success of the project she is even going to eat food” said Kardashian Publicity Assistant 114.
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Filed under Entertainment
There must be somewhere around here I can get some peace
The Philae comet lander has revealed that the reason it missed its intended landing site and is now tucked under a rock somewhere is that it is trying to escape news of Kim Kardashian.
Philae got to the comet after a 10-year, 6.4 billion-km journey, but is now shielded by rocks from the light that would recharge its batteries and is not expected to be operational for much longer. This means that it will no longer have to hear any tedious updates about Kim, or see pictures of her massive ass. Continue reading
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Filed under News
Big Brother studio, Elstree: who needs Guantánamo Bay?
The government has announced plans to contain British jihadis who are returning from Syria by the dozen, running scared from the world’s most violent and regressive gap year scheme.
“We can’t revoke passports and we can’t leave them stateless,” said Theresa May. “But what we can do is ensure that they are placed in a secure environment away from the any publicity or internet access.”
“The Big Brother house is perfect,” she enthused. “It’s got great security and no one’s paid it the slightest attention since 2002.”
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Filed under Politics
Blatter announces which bid won the 2022 World Cup
Fifa have hit back at allegations that the bid for the Qatar World Cup may have been corrupt by releasing a report into the matter, which may be corrupt.
The report, which cleared Fifa, Russia, Qatar and anyone else with oil of any wrong doing, has since been criticised by the man who did the investigation.
The initial allegations came after Fifa voted to give a summer sporting event that gives people the chance to watch a game and have a beer in an environment that Fifa promotes as tolerant to all people, to a country that is like an oven in the summer, forbids alcohol, and gets a bit ‘stoney’ towards homosexuals and women. Continue reading
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