Hiding a secret addiction to the 110m hurdles
Up to a third of drug addicts have taken athletics at some point in their careers, according to information obtained by the Sunday Times.
The shocking revelations claim that the athletics range from some relatively harmless recreational jogging, right up to more hard-core activities such as triathlons and marathons. Continue reading
Make the most of it – sharing this will be illegal after December
Amendments to the UK’s Hate Crime and Terrorism laws mean any mention of the 1966 World Cup will be illegal after 31st December 2016.
“The number of survivors from English football’s solitary success is dwindling and the rest of us are sick to the back teeth of it all.” said whoever is now the Minister of Culture Media and Sports” In fact, we actually hate it, which is how we’re able to ban it under Hate Crime law.”
” This weekend’s anniversary will be awful, with Bobby Moore shirts up to your arm pits and endless re-runs of the final. Like watching The Sound of Music. On a continuous loop. They think it’s all over? It bloody well will be, after New Year’s eve.”.
It is believed that the wreckage washed up on the shores of an Indian Ocean island may belong to the Labour Party which has been missing for several years.
Nothing has been heard from the carrier since it took off with Captain Jeremy Corbyn at the controls. Experts have established that it veered sharply to the left and then disappeared from the radar screens into obscurity. Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
Is there anybody there? No, it works due to the ideomotor effect.
Local medium and Ukip member, Aileen Kinsman, is calling for her party to spearhead a campaign to get ouija boards renamed so as not to put “decent English souls” off from making contact.
“It’s unacceptable for me to have to converse with those who’ve crossed over using equipment named in French and German,” she said. “They should be called YesAbsolutely boards which everyone can understand in an instant and not by a foreign title. I’m a psychic medium, for heaven’s sake, I shouldn’t have to deal with made-up nonsense.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold
They seem pleased about something but it’s difficult to tell when you don’t understand them
Government proposals to bar anybody who doesn’t speak fluent English from public sector roles have resulted in all Geordies being put at risk of redundancy.
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Filed under News, Uncategorized
An artist’s impression of the UKIP moat
“If we make the moat at least 20 miles wide and pretty deep, and throw in a few sharks and pollutants in the water for good measure, I think you’ll find the migrant problem is solved” beamed Farage.
Farage said the moat needed to be all the way round Britain to thwart those trying to enter from Ireland and Norway, as well as from France. Farage noted it probably wasn’t necessary to have a moat between England and Scotland, but if the Scots continued being uppity, he’d consider a wall.
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Filed under News
Down with this sort of thing
Kremlin insiders have revealed that Russian President Vladimir Putin spends most of his evenings fearlessly trawling through the internet to find gay porn websites, so that he can have them blocked by his IT experts to prevent normal citizens from having to see them.
Russia is considering a ban on “gay emojis” – small cartoon pictures of people who happen to be the same sex – out of understandable fear that the tiny images might turn everyone homosexual.
The Russian president, however, has taken the further step of identifying every gay porn site on the web, the better to have them removed from the county’s internet.
“His stamina is incredible,” gushed one Kremlin insider. “He has investigated nearly every man-on-man site accessible from Moscow, at least the ones where the videos don’t take too long to download. We see him staggering down from his office in the mornings, barely able to hold himself upright.”
“Here is a man who can take it like few other men could.”
Putin’s enormous appetite for information has seen him exhaust the vast majority of the world’s gay porn, forcing the Kremlin to establish its own movie studio to produce enough output for the President’s continued researches.
Not content with saving Russia from cartoons and porn, Putin is now said to be seriously looking into whether western culture in general is putting the country at risk, and in the interests of research has purchased a Village People album, a pair of leather chaps and, confusingly, the box set of Mission Impossible films
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Filed under Dating, International News
I quite like Tony if anyone’s interested.
From Allah to Zeus, from Acan to Zinsi, religious types like to name their gods. Except Christians! ‘Blessed be thy name’ goes their favourite prayer, but what is it? Well now their prayers will be answered, as this summer sees the launch of an international campaign to give the world’s favourite omnipotent being a name.
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Filed under International News, Religion, Tony Blair
Cecilia was a ‘one off’, although her sister was a chicken bucket.
A dental hygienist has caused international outrage after eating a much-loved factory chicken called Cecilia.
Cecilia had lived to the ripe-old age of 34 days, before she was cut down in her prime fillets.
Loved by everyone who had seen a picture of her on Instagram just after her death, Cecilia was brutally killed to fulfil hygienist Wesley Evan’s sick desires.
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Filed under Around Harold, Farming, Food, Sport
“I felt the Holy water running down my leg”
Arnold Delaney revealed that last Thursday had been like any other day, although he had eaten two eggs for breakfast.
“I’d also consumed a second cup of coffee”, said Delaney. “And that’s when my true calling was revealed unto myself, Lord-ways.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Religion
“The dentist can rest assured he won’t feel a thing”
Palmer attracted widespread notoriety for paying $50,000 to hunt and kill Cecil the lion, and so Harold schoolboy Simon Delenay set up a fundraising page to allow the lions a chance to even up the score.
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Filed under International News, Nature
Corbyn’s disguise was ‘almost fool-proof’.
An undercover police officer who infiltrated the Labour leadership contest has been named as Jeremy Corbyn.
Corbyn, who has three other families through his work with Greenpeace, Amnesty International and the Beard Liberation Front, has gone back to his fishing village now his cover is blown.
“I can confirm that PC ‘Corbyn’ has worked for the Special Demonstration Squad since 1983”, said the Met’s superintendent Latechild. “Unfortunately on this occasion, he’s overstretched his remit.”
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Following a freedom of information request, the internet service provider which supplies broadband to the palace of Westminster has revealed what members of the two houses of parliament surf the web for during the really boring bits of government. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Labour, Politics, Sex, Social media, Society, Technology, Tony Blair, Tory sex scandal, Uncategorized
Post a Minion quote and this is what you’re actually telling the world
Villager Pauline Regan is now in her thirteenth week of using social media solely to post Minion quotes leaving friends and family concerned for her welfare, and wondering if she’ll ever regain her sense of humour. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment
HBO, creators of gritty and supremely violent shows such as Game of Thrones, The Wire, and Spartacus have turned to an unlikely source for their next tits ‘n’ exposition spectacular, James Herriot’s All Creatures Great and Small, promising that their show will be ‘sexier and glossier’ than the beloved BBC adaptation. We’ve managed to obtain the first three scenes from the script of the pilot episode and publish them here so readers can decide if this version will be as glorious as a night in the Drover’s Arms or if it should be sent to Jeff Mallock’s yard immediately. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment
Disappointingly, all of the performers survived.
Villagers who paid to watch a so-called ‘Wall of Death’ have reacted angrily after a rider was left with only a broken collar bone.
Members of the public paid over £2 each to watch the spectacle at the summer fete, but were disappointed by the superficial nature of the injury.
The Wall of Death is a traditional attraction, in which motorcyclists ride around a circular shed until someone is killed.
“My friend Simon said that he watched it last year, and a man’s head came off”, said Bobby Evans, 9. “But all I saw was a guy whose arm went a bit floppy. His bone wasn’t even sticking out through his leathers.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment
“Psst, could you do that more quietly? No-one else knows you’re down there.”
The Sun on Sunday has revealed how two otherwise respectable prostitutes were involved in sleazy drug-fuelled sex romp with former Labour Minister Lord Sewel.
Speaking from underneath another client this morning, one of the women said she felt betrayed by Sewel’s silence about his day job.
“I assumed he was a drug dealer or a pimp” said ‘Janice’ “so I was disgusted to find that he was in the House of Lords. Would you excuse me, just got to finish…” Continue reading
Prances McHoof: spokesdonkey
Newly elected SNP MP, Mhairi Black, has caused outrage amongst the UK’s donkeys by claiming that they make the same sound as MPs.
In an interview with the Times she commented on Parliament’s rules by saying: “So you’re not allowed to clap like an ordinary person, but you’re allowed to bray like a donkey? I mean, see PMQs, especially the Conservative side, they’ve got this weird noise they do. It actually sounds like a drunken mob.” Continue reading
“Trees, I see lots and lots of trees”
The eBay seller crackdown is expected to be followed by an HMRC campaign to tax beggars collecting money in Starbucks cups.
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Wayne still waiting to hear back from Mensa
“Imagine if he went into that cinema armed with just a baseball bat, he would have found it almost impossible to bash himself to death” reasoned NRA spokesman Wayne Einstein.
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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, USA
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