Jeremy Corbyn pledges to reintroduce bathing machines

bathing machine

Like a closed shop, but before the wheels came off.

Labour hopeful Jeremy Corbyn will push women into the sea in wheeled sheds, if elected.

The surprise announcement was made by Corbyn, who has pledged to reintroduce a number of similar initiatives abandoned by history.

“From coal mines and women-only carriages, to rickets and dinosaurs, I think we can all agree that the past was a better place”, said Corbyn.

Bathing machines were used by the Victorians, so that women could swim in the sea without men being offended by their calves.

Corbyn believes that rather than condemning the practice of ankle ogling, it would be less confrontational to set women adrift.
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Face of Donald Trump seen in pig’s anus

pig_butt_trump

Anus face (artist’s impression)

Following the mysterious appearance of Donald Trump’s image in a tub of butter, Republican campaigners were celebrating today after the face of the Presidential hopeful was miraculously seen to appear in the anus of “Ronald”, a Gloucestershire Old Spot from a farm near Stroud,

“This is a sign,” enthused one Trump supporter. “To gaze deeply into a pig’s backside and see the face of Donald – that doesn’t just happen. It means something.”

Following the good news, there was an immediate spate of copycat sightings, as pig owners the world over realised that their pigs’ anuses also bore a striking resemblance to the great man. Continue reading

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Filed under Farming, International News

Game of Thrones exclusive! Is Ned Stark back?

Sean Bean spotted in Waitrose wearing his head

Game of Trolleys

Game of Trolleys.

Game of Thrones fans have once again had their hopes raised that Ned Stark might return, and that the script writers have found a way to put his head back on.

With filming of Season Six already under way, a sharp-eyed member of the public spotted Sean Bean, at his pre-execution height.
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Cumberbatch’s Hamlet first night: Player ratings

the danish game

It was a play of two halves.

For those of you unable to make the long awaited opening night performance and unable to view it on You Tube thanks to a rather unreasonable ban on mobile filming, our Arts Correspondent Mariella Buss-Stop puts down her pint and casts her eyes over the cast’s performance at Elsinore last night.

From their hissed greeting at the appearance of old King Hamlet’s ghost to the mass weeping hysteria when the great one dies, the pubescent Cumberbitches’ in the audience made their presence felt last night at the Barbican. It could take days to mop up.

Here are my ratings for the players:            Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, Showbusiness

‘We wouldn’t call you a drugs cheat if you weren’t a drugs cheat’ BBC tell drugs cheat Gatlin

Drugs cheat Justin Gatlin, some time after his second drugs ban

Drugs cheat Justin Gatlin, some time after his second drugs ban

After drugs cheat Justin Gatlin’s decision to boycott British media because he keeps being labelled a drugs cheat, the BBC have explained to him that he wouldn’t be referred to as a drugs cheat if he wasn’t a drugs cheat.

The drugs cheat sprinter, who has twice been banned for failing drugs tests, is unhappy that British media are focussing on his history of failing drugs tests (twice) rather than his career best 100m times, which are being achieved with the long-term benefits still in his system of the drugs that he has been banned for taking. Twice. Continue reading

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France surrenders to cross-channel swimmer

The sandcastle didn't provide enough protection, so they decided to surrenderr

The sandcastle didn’t provide enough protection, so they decided to surrender

Francois Hollande has stepped down as President with immediate effect after France surrendered unconditionally to a cross-channel swimmer.

Andrew Smith, from Basingstoke, completed the swim to raise money for charity and was stunned to be confronted by the entire French military, waving white flags, when he arrived just outside Calais. Continue reading

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Graves removed from churchyard for celebrity wedding

angry bride

None of the interred have been invited.

With just days to go before the society wedding of the year, bride-to-be Sirah Evans has demanded that all the graves are removed from the church.

During a dress rehearsal, local celebrity Sirah Evans noticed ‘some big stones with names and shit on’, and demanded to know ‘what the f**k were they thinking?’

“I explained to young Sirah that when people pass on, we intern them during a ceremony”, said Rev. Tansy Forster. “The ‘headstones’ mark their final resting place, for parishioners that can read.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Society

Justin Gatlin to try taking even more drugs

Right, time for some more drugs

Right, time for some more drugs

After seeing his World Championship gold medal hopes dashed, drugs-cheat Justin Gatlin has vowed to take more and more drugs until he eventually beats Usain Bolt.

Gatlin started the race as favourite but was beaten by one hundredth of a second and now believes that the long-term benefits of the performance enhancing drugs he has already taken may not be enough to achieve his goals. Continue reading

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Gwyneth Paltrow finishes Oscar acceptance speech

Gwyneth 16 years, 5 months, and three days after being presented a best actress Oscar for ‘Shakespeare in Love’, Gwyneth Paltrow finally finished her acceptance speech.

The emotional speech started at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion on 21 March 1999 as Paltrow tearfully thanked a number of her fellow actresses, movie industry figures, and family members both living and dead.

As Gwyneth was led off the stage, she mumbled, “and my fans, I’d like to thank my fans” as she proceeded to thank all her fans individually by name, before moving onto individually thanking her fan’s friends and family.
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Giant bat-mincing machine ‘could produce electricity’ warns scientist

It minces bats, but at what price?

It minces bats, but at what price?

Harold’s new giant bat mincer could produce low-carbon electricity, scientists have warned.

Whilst acknowledging that the 100-foot high rotating blades would bring the village a step closer to being bat-free, Dr Rachel Guest fears that one side-effect could be a supply of sustainable power.

“Naturally, the bat mincer has to go ahead”, said Guest, “if we’re to rid our skies of the leathery-winged menace.”

“But we have to work out how to minimise all the electricity this thing will spew out, or it’ll look like we weren’t focusing on mincing bats.”
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Filed under environment, science

Outrage as American dentist shoots Bake Off’s bread lion

bake-off-lion-3

Hit BBC show the Great British Bake Off has become the latest victim of weapon-toting dentist Walter Palmer. The blood lustin’ American burst onto the set and shot the amazing lion bread created by contestant Paul Jagger several times with a bow and arrow.

“I had to,” Palmer said. “I’m a hunter and that there bread lion was too beautiful to exist. I wanted him dead. That’s how you show the ultimate respect for bread, and for nature. You shoot it and put it in your special trophy room so no one can see it but you.” Continue reading

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Filed under TV

‘Corbyn has links to deranged warmonger’ claims Tony Blair

Corbyn has an extremely   unsavoury association with me

Corbyn has an extremely unsavoury association with me

Tony Blair has intervened again in the election, this time demanding that Jeremy Corbyn explain his links to a deranged warmonger who launched an illegal war in the Middle East in 2003.

Blair alleges that Corbyn served in a party led by the war criminal for over ten years. Continue reading

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Mumsnet users advised to change password from “sotired”

mumsnet

Mums can’t imagine how they filled their time before Mumsnet.

Following an attack by hackers, Mumsnet is advising all 12 million of its users to change their password from “sotired” to something less obvious.

“Busy mums barely have time to sneer at the parenting skills of others”, said site owner Justine Roberts, “let alone think of an original password.”

“Besides, after the hassle of choosing a name for their child that neither their husband or parents laughed at, most of our members just bang in the first thing that pops into their head.”
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Filed under Society, Technology

Misunderstood Bin Laden only wanted to be a Radio 2 DJ

bin laden tapesIt has been revealed that discovered amongst the piles of easy listening tapes left by al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden were a number of demo tapes in which the arch-terrorist brushed up his DJ patter whilst introducing songs by Cliff Richard and the Nolan Sisters.

From his whimsical style, it seems that Bin Laden saw himself as a Middle Eastern Terry Wogan, and his witty comments about the frustrations of his daily life of a revolutionary are quite amusing – if you put aside the atrocities which he directed. Continue reading

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Filed under Entertainment, International News

Jeremy Corbyn launches scathing attack on Jeremy Corbyn

Jeremy Corbyn 'refuses to serve' under Jeremy Corbyn

Jeremy Corbyn ‘refuses to serve’ under Jeremy Corbyn

Jeremy Corbyn has joined the long list of prominent politicians and commentators attacking the leadership credentials of Jeremy Corbyn.

“Jeremy Corbyn doesn’t understand big business” said Jeremy Corbyn. “He has no clue how the likes of Amazon, Google, Starbucks can make super profits but pay no tax. He doesn’t get why zero hours contracts and the stripping away of people’s self worth are necessary to make the economy function.”
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‘We’re boycotting Amazon’ is the new ‘We don’t have a TV’

smug2

Just because someone’s right it doesn’t mean they’re not also terribly annoying

Boycotting Amazon has officially become the new bullseye on the middle class morality dartboard finally ousting claiming not to have a TV.

“It’s taken years,” media and trend analyst Lizzie Philips told us. “But at long last not shopping with Amazon has become the single greatest source of conversational smugness.” Continue reading

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Mandelson attempted to get other houses to resign so Gryffindor wouldn’t win House Cup

Peter-Mandelson_2872692b

Peter Mandelson: intensely unrelaxed about democracy

It emerged late last night that Lord Mandelson involved himself in the Hogwarts House Cup by urging three houses to resign en mass in order to suspend the contest and prevent the left wing Gryffindor house from winning.

Mandelson, a Slytherin and close confident of Lord Tonymort whom he helped rise to power in 1997, is understood to have contacted the heads of each of the three houses and ordered them to resign on the grounds that a bunch of left-wingers winning something made him feel “all clammy and alarmed as it should any proud Labour member who truly embraces our party’s history and ideals.” Continue reading

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30-something realises most of their friends are just people they can’t be bothered to tell to sod off

Capture

Pffft

A local woman has been left dazed by the revelation that most of her friends are as much good to her as tits on a fish.

Cassie Fine, 35, owner of Harold geek shop Dungeons and More Dungeons, said that she came to this conclusion while scrolling her Facebook newsfeed. Continue reading

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Duchy Originals Brake Grease sells out thanks to ‘Queen Effect’

the Fat of the Landed

Suitable for vegetarians and even more annoying vegans.

Waitrose has run out of Duchy Originals Brake Grease, after the product was mentioned by the Queen.

Brake Grease is a guilt-free ‘miracle’ oil, which can reduce friction and princesses in busy households. Once the preserve of nobility, in ancient times it was known as ‘the fat of the landed’.

Prince Charles insists that all Duchy-brand products are organic. “One’s brake grease is sustainable, but completely untraceable”, he revealed. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News

Most young people will never be able to afford a tub of cinema popcorn

Just a dream for most young people

Just a dream for most young people

Soaring prices now make it practically impossible for young people to get on the cinema popcorn ladder, say economists.

A Dunstable University study says cinema popcorn is now so expensive, the only young people who can afford a tub are those whose parents help with the deposit, or those who live near unfashionable rundown cinemas.

“It is a ticking time bomb – young people know baby boomers owned their first tub of cinema popcorn in their late teens. They see the older generation having 3 or 4 tubs of popcorn each time they go the movies, when all they can hope for is crumbs. They see the super-sized drinks, the ostentatious purchase of chocolate buttons” said Professor Brian Rodgers.
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Entertainment