Graves removed from churchyard for celebrity wedding

angry bride

None of the interred have been invited.

With just days to go before the society wedding of the year, bride-to-be Sirah Evans has demanded that all the graves are removed from the church.

During a dress rehearsal, local celebrity Sirah Evans noticed ‘some big stones with names and shit on’, and demanded to know ‘what the f**k were they thinking?’

“I explained to young Sirah that when people pass on, we intern them during a ceremony”, said Rev. Tansy Forster. “The ‘headstones’ mark their final resting place, for parishioners that can read.”

“She described this as ‘sick’, and then after some confusion I told her that ‘passed on’ means ‘dead’. She pulled a face, and phoned up her wedding co-ordinator.”

“My wedding is meant to be a celebration of my amazing life so far”, said the radiant Evans. “Walking across a load of rotting corpses isn’t very romantic, is it?”

The vicar has reluctantly agreed to exhume 475 years-worth of former residents, and replace them with small ponds with swans in.

“We’ll stack the deceased in my garage”, said Forster. “I’ve bought some name badges so we don’t muddle them up. We can pop them back in once her dad’s cheque clears.”

“It’ll still be a special day, her fiancee (Harold Thursday striker) Barry Giblet chose the church personally. He thinks the cross on the altar is based on David Beckham’s tattoo.”

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