“It will only seem like an eternity”
Ending speculation that it might be rested, ITV has delivered the crushing news that X Factor will continue until hell freezes over.
An ITV spokesman dismissed this as pure speculation and confirmed that the contract actually runs to 2017, “so it will only seem like an eternity”.
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Filed under Entertainment, music, News, Showbusiness, TV
It’s like you’re always stuck behind the brown…
Following the news that former Friends star Matt LeBlanc is to join the Top Gear team, the BBC has announced another coup by signing Jennifer Aniston to present late-night snooker show Pot Black.
“Jennifer is a lifelong fellow cuehead and I’m thrilled she’s joining Pot Black,” said former Embassy World Champion Steve Davis of his new on-screen colleague.
Aniston could barely contain her excitement in an interview for the snooker magazine Balls.
“As a snooker nut and a massive fan of the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield, I’m honoured and excited to be a part of this iconic show’s new chapter,” she said. “What a thrill!”
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A giant among men
Much-beloved broadcaster Terry Wogan, who sadly died today, will be put to rest at sea in the traditional Viking fashion, strapped to a burning longboat surrounded by flaming barrels of tar, food offerings to the Gods and a genuine Blankety-Blank Chequebook and Pen.
Wogan made his BBC debut on the Light Programme (now Radio 2) before raiding the East Coast of Scotland with a hundred crazed men, leaving the streets drenched crimson with the blood of his enemies.
He took over the breakfast show on Radio 2, and was an immediate hit. His laid-back charm and quick gentle humour made him a perfect choice to present the BBC’s coverage of the Eurovision Song Contest for many years from 1971. Highlights from this time are too many to mention, but few can forget the celebrated incident in 2001 when he slaughtered the two Danish hosts, Soren Pilmark and Natasja Crone in a fight to the death on a hill outside Brussels, stark naked save for the BBC logo daubed in woad on both buttocks.
Following his enormous temper tantrum after not getting his way in the planned Fox News debate, presidential hopeful Donald Trump has been revealed to be a snotty six-year-old boy with an unfortunate genetic disorder which gives him the appearance of a 70-year-old orange scrotum.
Trump, although noticeably eccentric, had always managed to disguise the fact that he was only a child via a mix of clever tailoring and fascist ranting, until the latest incident when he learned that the notoriously left-wing Fox News would not agree to let him sack the presenter he doesn’t like.
Little Donald was reportedly found abandoned by his despairing parents in the middle of a shopping mall, rolling around screaming and beating his fists on the floor repeatedly. Passers-by reported hearing him shouting: “NO NO NO I DON’T WANT HER TAKE HER AWAY TAKE HER AWAY MUMMY!” over and over. Continue reading
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Papers please!
As details of an assassination attempt on Nigel Farage become clear, the hapless UKIP leader is being touted as the new Inspector Clouseau.
During an interview on Good Morning Britain to explain his belief that he is under constant attack, Farage leapt behind the sofa, thrashed about screaming for a few minutes, then emerged, claiming he’d had to fight off a Bulgarian assassin.
“Phew, that was a close one,” he exclaimed to a bewildered Susanna Reid, who’d just asked if he might be exaggerating the seriousness of his car crash. Continue reading
The Cribbins, seen in its natural environment
The RSPCB’s endangered species watch team reported today that ‘Voice of the Wombles’ Bernard Cribbins is now likely to be the only celebrity called ‘Bernard’ still surviving in the wild in the UK.
“Bernard numbers have been dropping steadily for many years, but until today’s count we had no idea just how rare the famous Bernard has become on these shores,” announced an RSPCB spokesman this morning.
“Conditions have been getting more and more harsh for the native Bernard, and one by one they’ve died out – Shaw, Bresslaw, even Manning – we don’t believe there remains a single breeding pair of Bernards in existence.”
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At last a Dickens character we recognise. Good old Inspector Javert
BBC One has blown the nation’s minds with Dickensian, a lavish 20-part drama that’s more confusing than a riddle wrapped in the Enigma code inside a clue from 3-2-1.
“I thought it would be a fun story featuring the most famous Dickens characters,” said viewer Ange Harris. “But it’s unfathomable. Who are the Barbarys, what’s a Captain Hawdon, and am I allowed to laugh at the name Fanny Biggetywitch?” Continue reading
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These people don’t use the drive home to catch up on farting
Research shows car-sharing is being hampered by more than a simple desire for nose-picking privacy.
Dr Rachel Guest recently published her study on male aversion to car-sharing.
To save you the bother of reading all 323 pages, we have adopted government practice by cherry-picking from ‘Appendix (ii) Respondents’ comments’ and pasting them here:
“I pretend to visit the HR department every Friday afternoon, but actually go home early at 3.30.” Continue reading
Pooh – what’s that smell?
As staff at London’s Hunterian museum prepare to exhibit the skull of the original Pooh bear, other museums have begun trawling through their store rooms for similar grisly treasures.
Chinned and ginger, just like dad.
Prince Harry will not appear on the popular genealogy show ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’, a coroner for one of the producers has confirmed.
Despite being third in line for the throne, Harry Windsor has a noticeable jaw and some hair left. The BBC family tree programme will not be finding out why.
“We don’t think anyone’s that interested”, said a researcher through the telecom of their panic room. “That’s what the director said, just before he stabbed himself in the back.”
Advances in technology now allow a person’s DNA to be identified from a cheek swab in a matter of minutes.
Sadly, Prince Harry is incapable of producing saliva, revealed the widow of the show’s technical consultant.
Continue reading
Bremner, Bird and Fortune
The nation’s sense of trust in the BBC has reached an all-time low, following the revelation that its flagship art valuation program Fake or Fortune is itself a complete fake.
The program features a gullible member of the public who has bought a work of art by a famous artist at a massive discount because the work has not yet been authenticated. It’s Fiona Bruce’s job to trace the work’s history across Europe and establish the all-important provenance. The gullible owner is excited by the prospect of a genuine work worth millions, but ends the program in tears, when an expert points out that Chagall never signed his name with an S.
An investigation by the Broadcasting Standards Authority, however, found that the program was made up and none of the characters were real. The findings were that the program was filmed entirely in a studio in Manchester and shots of Fiona Bruce outside the Louvre in Paris were created by back projection, using a look-alike actress, with her voice dubbed on afterwards by Russell Crowe. And the works of art were all stage props, made in the BBC’s workshops.
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Filed under Art, Entertainment, Media, science, Showbusiness, TV
Hit BBC show the Great British Bake Off has become the latest victim of weapon-toting dentist Walter Palmer. The blood lustin’ American burst onto the set and shot the amazing lion bread created by contestant Paul Jagger several times with a bow and arrow.
“I had to,” Palmer said. “I’m a hunter and that there bread lion was too beautiful to exist. I wanted him dead. That’s how you show the ultimate respect for bread, and for nature. You shoot it and put it in your special trophy room so no one can see it but you.” Continue reading
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Evans dumps another load of former co-hosts.
Chris Evans has announced plans to clear out his garage, by auctioning off a number of unwanted ex co-presenters.
The self-confessed ginger has a vast collection of broken, long-forgotten sidekicks, which he buys at car boot sales, paints orange and then stores in his shed.
Amongst the lots are a rare Gaby Roslin, an ex-works Will McDonald and a tastefully modified Holly Hotlips.
Continue reading
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The Queen of England and Elizabeth Windsor
The BBC has announced the first contestants for this year’s series of Strictly Come Dancing.
Among the notable celebrities are some big name attractions including Robert Mugabe, Josef Fritzl, The Blessed Virgin Mary, new Taliban leader Mullah Akhtar Mansoor and Les Dennis along with some more controversial choices including Jeremy Vine, a woman off Eastenders and troubled tv chef, Ainsley Harriott. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, Christmas, Crime, Entertainment, idiots, Royals, Showbusiness, TV
Binge watchers might feel the urge to wear clogs.
A box set of all 55 seasons of Coronation Street is ‘unwieldy’, according to fans.
The cult show had hoped to appeal to box set-obsessed middle class viewers in the new format, but it would take 174 Sky boxes to store every episode.
Set in the fictional town of Salford, season 1 of ‘Corrie’ had the audience hooked from Day 1. But despite the show’s success, some people deliberately avoid watching it because they don’t want to dip in and ruin it.
“When the show started, I had to wait another twenty years to be born”, complained Harold’s Morgan Delaney. “That’s my parents’ fault, the selfish old sods.”
Because Morgan’s parents had decided not to have her when they were three, she never really got a chance to catch up with the plot.
“But now, if I can watch just four episodes a night, in six years time I’ll only be six years behind. I’ll finally be able to join in the conversation at the office. Assuming they’re recording it now, so they can catch up with the Archers.”
For people without broadband, the box set is also available on Blu-ray. “It’s been re-edited in 3D, you can watch it with the special Deidre glasses”, revealed Morgan. “Amazon are delivering mine tomorrow, by Chinook.”
Continue reading
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In a bold bid to revive their moribund 2015 campaign, McLaren F1 have had Juan Manuel Fangio exhumed.
The legendary Argentian won five World Championships in the 1950s “…but we rather hoped he’d been buried in a Maserati 250F.” said McLaren boss Ron Dennis “Computer simulations show that it’s 3 seconds a lap quicker than our current car.”
Dennis was initially disappointed to find no car but soon cheered up “It turns out the Hertz van we hired is astonishingly fast. Even fully loaded with pick axes, shovels, soil and coffin. So we’ve hired it for the rest of the season”.
“And once we’d hosed him down” he added “Fangio looked a bit more lively than Jenson or Fernando so we signed him up too. We’re just a bit concerned that his level of activity might wake up armchair F1 fans on Sunday afternoons.”
“You’re asking for benefits? Smithers, release the hounds.”
Fears that actor Harry Shearer’s departure from The Simpsons could mean the end of the show have been dispelled following the casting of Iain Duncan Smith as Mr Burns.
“We’re just delighted that Iain’s agreed to come on board,” said Simpson’s creator Matt Groening. “We thought we’d never be able to find someone to convey Mr Burn’s sociopathy as convincingly as Harry did but this IDS guy is even better! We had him read a scene about using the poor for fuel, and sanctioning benefits claimants who use two slices of bread to make a sandwich when one will do, and he knocked it out of the park. The script was ridiculous however he made it sound chillingly real and at the end thanked us for the great ideas. That’s your quirky British humour, right?” Continue reading
“Wake me up when Newsnight’s over”
‘The Great British Sleep Off’ adds napping to the list of things we used to find therapeutic, such as cooking tea, doing a bit in the garden, or knitting a scarf.
“This is brilliant news”, said Harold’s Pippa Delaney. “I used to worry that my night-times were completely wasted. But now I can use that 7 or 8 hours to show off to my neighbours. Or make them cry, which is even better.”
Continue reading
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Mmmmmm. Socks
While many discuss who best represented their party position on the economy, or on immigration, a definitive view on who had the best socks has been hard to come by. Until now.
Miliband – two odd socks, one that said “Tuesday” and one that said “Sunday”, despite it being Thursday. Both socks said “right” and he needed help from his wife to put them on.
Clegg – promised in the run up to the debate that he would wear socks, even went into great detail about exactly what type of socks they would be. Then turned up without any.
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Filed under Election 2015, Media, Politics, TV
New evidence that Nigel Farage may indeed be colour blind
UKIP will scrap laws preventing racial discrimination at work, says Nigel Farage.
Asked if he would retain a ban on discrimination on the grounds of race or colour, he said: “No, as a party we are colour-blind. Luckily, we can still make out light and dark shades.”
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