Category Archives: Sport

Winter Olympics and smug Facebook posts about boycotting them begin

woman-sleeping-on-pillows

Look how hard it is to boycott something that’s on at 5:00 am.

As the Winter Olympics are officially opened in Sochi this afternoon it heralds the start not just of days of thrilling winter sports but also of people posting smug Facebook updates about not watching them.

We asked one such poster why they felt the need to do this. “I want everyone to know that I’m really aware of gay rights and stuff,” replied Harold resident Jason Beesley. “Plus if I come across as sensitive maybe women will want to sleep with me.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Winter Olympics and smug Facebook posts about boycotting them begin

Filed under Sport

Olympics shock: ‘Mo Farah may never win another medal’

Mo Farah celebrates winning the men's 5,000m final at the European Championships in Helsinki in June

Please don’t try this at home. Or in Rio. Please.

Plans to rationalise Olympic judging will see many of this month’s winter games’ scoring systems being adopted at the proper Olympics in Rio 2016. “Here in Sochi, how good you look is at least  as important as the more workaday factors such as speed and distance.” says IOC President Thomas Bach “I’m not sure about girth though, let me get back to you on that”.

“Ski jumping for instance is assessed on ‘style’ during take-off, flight and landing, plus a small proportion of marks allocated for distance actually travelled.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Olympics shock: ‘Mo Farah may never win another medal’

Filed under International News, News, Sport

Howzat! Pietersen out after 13797 runs

---pietersen-20130807181645325666-300x0

The ECB have sacked England’s highest ever run-scorer in order to…er…score more runs. More on this story should it ever make sense.

Comments Off on Howzat! Pietersen out after 13797 runs

Filed under Sport

Transfer deadline day excitement leads to public panic buying footballers

image

With football’s transfer deadline day upon us again, the whole country waits with bated breath to see who multi-millionaire footballers will be employed by tomorrow. But this year’s deadline day coverage is expected to reach such excitable levels there are fears that the public may start panic buying footballers.

“I watched Sky Sports News’ coverage for four hours this morning,” Simon Delaney, Harold resident and proud new owner of three Premier League players told us.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Transfer deadline day excitement leads to public panic buying footballers

Filed under News, Sport

Winter Olympics: heavy-handed outreach project forces ski jump on village primary school

v306735_959_488_348-1 (1)

St Mary’s Primary School ski jump as seen from Harold’s recreation ground. On a clear day if you stand at the top you can just make out Dunstable’s dreaming spires.

Villagers in Harold are getting increasingly angry over the ski jump that was forced upon the local primary school. Denounced as an eyesore it was built despite strong local protest in what some are calling an exceptionally heavy-handed grass roots campaign to get more children competing in winter sports. Continue reading

Comments Off on Winter Olympics: heavy-handed outreach project forces ski jump on village primary school

Filed under Around Harold, Sport

BBC find their new ‘Trigger’

20140121-112853.jpg

Following the passing of Roger Lloyd-Pack, the BBC have announced they have already found a replacement for Trigger in the Sports Relief Only Fools and Horses episode due later this year.

“We were looking for some who could portray a character that is very popular despite being a bit dim” the BBC said in a statement.

“It was at that point David Beckham walked in a started peeing in a plant pot in the corner of the room before washing his hands on Nicholas Lindhurst.” Continue reading

Comments Off on BBC find their new ‘Trigger’

Filed under Culture, International News, Lifestyle, News, Sport

Moyes blames ‘gay marriage’ for Man United slump

Rooney getting married mid-pitch probably didn't help

Rooney getting married mid-pitch probably didn’t help

Manchester United ex-manager elect David Moyes says that Man United’s slump is nothing to do with him, but is almost certainly God’s retribution for either the legalisation of gay marriage, giving women the vote, or possibly Wayne Rooney’s haircut.

Moyes pointed to God’s reputation for ‘working in mysterious ways’, and said that God needed to find other ways of show His displeasure given that the traditional ‘lots of rain and floods’ is now just considered normal weather in the UK.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Moyes blames ‘gay marriage’ for Man United slump

Filed under Sport

Putin welcomes Eastern Asians; “Just leave the dogs alone.”

20140117-230949.jpg

Following on from his comments that gay people can “feel free in your relationship but leave the children alone”, man of the world and Russian president Vladimir Putin has been rolling out the rainbow carpet to all people from all over the Globe.

“I would like to extend the strong yet moisturised manly hand of friendship to everyone,” Putin told media.
Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under Culture, Farming, International News, Politics, Sex, Sport

National celebrations as England nearly win

englandwinners

We did it! Nearly!

The United Kingdom was united in joy today as the England cricket team nearly won a match against the Australians.

Little was expected of the brave England team at Brisbane’s Gabba ground today, but few could have expected them to achieve it so easily. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Sport

Australian Open weather reporting reaches record high

Some tennis also being played

Some tennis also being played

Reporting of the weather at the Australian Open reached a new high today with the extremely high temperatures being mentioned 44 times during a single match, the fourth time that the previous record has been broken during this tournament.

Before this year the record stood at 27 mentions of the weather in one match, during a thunder storm at the 2010 tournament, but soaring weather references have seen that record broken on each day of the 2014 event so far. Continue reading

Comments Off on Australian Open weather reporting reaches record high

Filed under News, Sport

John Virgo living under a bridge

Virgo 10 years ago, 2 years ago and an artist's impression of what he will look like next year

Virgo 10 years ago, 2 years ago and an artist’s impression of what he will look like next year

The BBC has revealed today that the ever more shabby appearance of presenter John Virgo is due to the snooker commentator having been spending most of his time living under a bridge over the last year.

“John’s appearance was never the smartest even during his playing days, where the waistcoat was always offset by the beard, but we had become increasingly concerned over the last couple of years as he deteriorated ever further. So we approached him a few months ago to ensure that everything was ok.” confirmed a spokesman for the BBC, Continue reading

Comments Off on John Virgo living under a bridge

Filed under News, Sport

Can exercising for just two seconds a month transform your health?

fastexercise

After just two seconds a month, your head will turn into this charming timepiece

No, of course not.

It’s the most stupid idea ever, and will obviously do nothing more than persuade a generation of obese couchmongers that it’s OK to remain slumped on their fat arses doing little more than a half-hearted leg spasm once a month.

But I’ve got a book!

Or at least that’s what conventional wisdom would have you believe! But I’m the BBC’s Bob Mussolini, and I’m here to tell you all about the revolutionary quick-fix ‘fast exercise’ plan called High Intensity Training. This revolutionary quick-fix ‘fast exercise’ plan was launched recently in my book The Revolutionary Quick-Fix ‘Fast Exercise’ Plan for readers, and in the Daily Mail for everyone else, and has already virtually banished obesity from our shores.

Erection

Everyone agrees that getting more active will make you healthier and prolong your life. But exercise will also help you stop getting stuck in doorways, give you a fighting chance of achieving the occasional erection and reduce the risk of dementia, heart attacks, diabetes and dementia.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Can exercising for just two seconds a month transform your health?

Filed under Lifestyle, Sport

Rhinos queuing up to apply for hunter goring licence

rhinos

Rhinos practice the goring position.

A group of rhinos has successfully pooled its resources in order to purchase a hunter goring licence.

The thick-skinned creatures-of-habit have struggled to adapt to the modern world, and tend to blunder about destroying the environment without so much as an apology. ‘That’s why we want to gore one of the buggers’, explained a rhino.

Intitially the rhinos struggled to collect a turnip and the carcass of a wildebeest, before adding a burst armadillo a couple of days later.

But by pulling together, they soon managed to add a small hippo and a fairly sizeable rock, as well as a tanker containing 43,000 litres of gasoline which just tipped them over their financial target.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Rhinos queuing up to apply for hunter goring licence

Filed under Nature, Sport

Suicide bomber apologises for ‘insensitive’ Manchester United fancy dress costume

fancydress

On me head, son!

An Iraqi suicide bomber has apologised unreservedly for his “insensitive” decision to appear as a Manchester United player at a fancy dress party.

The anonymous Al-Qaeda fighter from Iraq’s western Anbar province wanted to make a humorous comment on the hopelessness of existence and the futility of life, and believed dressing up as a Man Utd player would be the perfect way to achieve this. Continue reading

Comments Off on Suicide bomber apologises for ‘insensitive’ Manchester United fancy dress costume

Filed under International News, Politics, Sport

Football introduce January transplant window

QPR buy a safe pair of hands for Robert Green

QPR buy a safe pair of hands for Robert Green

The English Football Association and English Premier League have bowed to pressure from clubs and introduced a January transplant window. The move will help both smaller clubs who struggle to afford a whole player in today’s overheated market, and the marquee clubs who want to improve a star player’s weak spot.

The first few days of the new transplant window has seen numerous deals.

As expected, Premier League aspirants Queens Park Rangers have gone to the market for a safe pair of hands for Robert Green, and Peter Schmeichel’s large mitts have been secured for a 7 figure sum. Robert Green welcomed the news of the record transplant saying: “It won’t change me one bit, well apart from the fact that I’ll now be able to catch the ball of course.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Football introduce January transplant window

Filed under Around Harold, Sport

New ‘Man United’ dance craze consists almost entirely of backwards steps

Everybody clap your hands. Now sliiiiiiiiiiide!

Everybody clap your hands. Now sliiiiiiiiiiide!

Gangnam Style, the Harlem Shake and Twerking have all had their day and now the latest dance craze is set to be the Manchester United dance, made up almost entirely of backwards steps.

“This is already sweeping the UK, proving especially popular in Liverpool and certain parts of Manchester with a sky blue colour theme. Given Manchester United’s global appeal I would expect it to be seen on dance floors around the world within the next few months.” said David Moyes, the man credited as being the inspiration behind the first viral dance craze of 2014. Continue reading

Comments Off on New ‘Man United’ dance craze consists almost entirely of backwards steps

Filed under Lifestyle, News, Sport

Football Legend ‘sort-of’ remembered by those who didn’t know him

images (2)

Italy’s ‘Black Pearl’ played for Chelsea United for many years

Next Saturday, Harold Thursday will pay its own unique tribute to footballing legend Eusébio da Silva Ferreira, known to soccer fans worldwide simply as ‘Silva’, who died over the weekend.  Club Chairman, William ‘Supermack’ McKean explained “As soon as a few spectators arrive, there will be a ten minute rolling silence; except at the refreshment counter, which will be kept open as a mark of respect. We’ve got mince pies on two-for-one. Or three-for-two, if they’re still before the sell-by date.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Football Legend ‘sort-of’ remembered by those who didn’t know him

Filed under Around Harold, Showbusiness, Sport

Ashes tour was ‘great triumph, not shambles’ proclaims Michael Gove

Michael Gove school visit

Safe pair of hands at first slip

Fresh from his announcement that World War One was actually a masterpiece of military planning, Education Secretary Michael Gove has now claimed that the Ashes tour was a ‘triumph’ for the England team.

“Left-wing defeatist commentators are trying to spread the myth that the Ashes tour was some sort of shambles, with under-prepared men sent to certain disaster by an out-of-touch elite,” he snarled this morning. “But let me tell you that good historians, such as myself, see the hostilities as necessary, and a price worth paying to show the Australians very clearly who’s the boss.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Ashes tour was ‘great triumph, not shambles’ proclaims Michael Gove

Filed under Politics, Sport

England retain Ashes 6-0 after successful Wikipedia edit

Pietersen surprised all by writing an entire paragraph

Pietersen surprised all by writing an entire paragraph

The England cricket team have come back from the brink and recorded a 6-0 Ashes victory thanks to a superb team effort in editing Wikipedia. Captain Alistair Cook said the emphatic victory should silence all the knockers who thought the team couldn’t tie their own shoelaces, let alone competently operate a laptop computer.

England coach Andy Flower said he was proud of the boys, especially Kevin Pietersen who hadn’t previously written anything longer than a tweet. And the backroom staff also played their part with Geoff Boycott’s Nan encouraging the team to concentrate on ‘lines and length’ when editing the Ashes 2013-14 Wikipedia entry.
Continue reading

Comments Off on England retain Ashes 6-0 after successful Wikipedia edit

Filed under Sport

Captain Alistair Cook sets off to sea to ‘undiscover Australia’

nostralia

No-stralia: the undiscovered country.

The England Cricket Board has funded a major sea voyage, with the hope that Captain Cook can ‘undiscover Australia’.

Whittled from ash and unusually rudderless, it’s hoped the vessel can complete its voyage before sinking without trace.

Speaking from the poop deck, the dashing figure of Alistair Cook pledged that he ‘would not return until the seas below Indonesia were proved to be completely devoid of any troubling land masses’.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Captain Alistair Cook sets off to sea to ‘undiscover Australia’

Filed under Sport, Technology