Category Archives: Politics

Plebgate latest: Andrew Mitchell’s ‘unusually high’ expenses queried

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“Come on then. Do you want some, you w**ker?”

The Parliamentary Standards Authority has queried a £3 million ‘photocopy paper & sundry office supplies’ bill, which appeared overnight on Andrew Mitchell’s expenses claim form.

“Yes, it is a bit on the high side” admitted Enid Baxter, the night-duty Emergency Expenses Officer” and we’d have preferred it to be on a printed invoice, rather than handwritten on the back of an envelope”.

However, Baxter says it wasn’t the amount of the claim which caused concern but the request for the cheque to be made out to ‘cash’.

“I expect his mind was on other things” she conceded, “what with the £3 million libel case court costs and the Judge finding out he was lying. Probably.”

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Net immigration up as people move to the UK hoping to see latest tourist attraction, Nigel Farage

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Figures released today show net immigration has risen as tens of thousands of foreigners come to the to visit the country’s newest tourist attraction, UKIP and Nigel Farage.

Historically the UK has been an attractive prospect for those wishing to move around the globe because of its history, culture and life prospects.

But a recent survey shows modern day immigrants come to our shores in the hope they may meet an actual Ukipper, or even Nigel Farage himself, leaving his party in a ironic black hole that has baffled even the brightest of scientists.

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So why is he such an egg faced ****? PM’s refusal to answer tweet causes unrest

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Anyone got any ideas?

David Cameron’s lack of response to a tweet sent to him by Rachel Johnson, sister of golden retriever with a head injury and Mayor of London Boris Johnson, has caused widespread unrest in Harold. Instead of going about their usual morning routines residents are monumentally distracted as they ponder the question Why are you such an egg faced **** finding themselves unable to move on.

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“But I thought everyone hates the working class”: PM fails to understand Labour’s problem.

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The working class. This was a documentary, right?

David Cameron has been left “confused and more than a little amused” by Labour’s latest bout of hand-wringing over the working class.

“Why Emily Thornberry was sacked or what the problem with not liking the poor and those who refuse to play by the rules and better themselves is is simply beyond me,” the Prime Minister was heard to say at a private event last night. Continue reading

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“The Queen smells bad”: heartbreaking list of why 48 year old hates being a Prime Minister goes viral

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It’s a hard knock life

Capture

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UK braced for another day of being unable to escape Farage’s gaping maw

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If you want a vision of the future, imagine having to stare at this face – forever.

As the Rochester & Strood by-election takes place today Britain will be forced once again to endure saturation coverage of Nigel Farage’s enormous mouth.

“I’m all for democracy,” Harold pensioner Tom Stalling told us. “I just wish it could happen without having to see a thousand images of the bleak cavern of cliché and invective that resides under that cream-faced loon’s nose.”

Other villagers have told us that they feel they will be able to cope with a day of inescapable Farage-mouth pictures.

“Doesn’t bother me,” said Sally Kettle. “I’d rather see his mouth than Kim Kardashian’s oily arse any time.”

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Tough interview with the Cookie Monster sees Miliband crumble

IMG_0643.JPGIn a bid to repair the damage to Ed Miliband’s reputation following his grilling by a singing competition winner, his PR team lined an easy interview that should have been almost impossible to cock up with the Cookie Monster.

Although he repeats the same phrase and has a famous inability to string a sentence together, Miliband’s team didn’t think it would hold him back against the Sesame Street character.
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Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics

Farage shows his charitable side by growing Hitler Movember moustache

You decide: Hitler, Chaplin or Blakey from 'On the Buses'?

You decide: Hitler, Chaplin or Blakey from ‘On the Buses’?

With his UKIP troops poised to take Westminster by storm, nagging doubts have been voiced after Nigel Farage appeared in public sporting a moustache reminiscent of that belonging to prominent German politician Adolf Hitler.

Amazingly it was clear from his demeanour at the Rochester hustings that the right wing leader had no idea of the similarity his upper lip bore to the Nazi leader.

In a bizarre local radio interview, Farage was asked about his moustache. “It’s jolly good, isn’t it?” he said, stroking the fresh growth. “I’m doing it for the Movember charity which raises funds for men without balls or something. Our PR people thought it would be a good idea.”

Once the interviewer had grasped the concept of UKIP actually having PR people, he asked Continue reading

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British jihadis returning to UK to be sent straight to the Big Brother house

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Big Brother studio, Elstree: who needs Guantánamo Bay?

The government has announced plans to contain British jihadis who are returning from Syria by the dozen, running scared from the world’s most violent and regressive gap year scheme.

“We can’t revoke passports and we can’t leave them stateless,” said Theresa May. “But what we can do is ensure that they are placed in a secure environment away from the any publicity or internet access.”

“The Big Brother house is perfect,” she enthused. “It’s got great security and no one’s paid it the slightest attention since 2002.”

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“He has his own spoon”: Miliband speech to list why he should be PM

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He can see his ears without looking in a mirror

Hapless character in a crap sitcom come to life, Ed Miliband, will give a speech at London University today listing the reasons why he should be Prime Minister. The Evening Harold has managed to obtain a copy of the speech – a nice old man called Alan J-something gave it to us with a smile and a hearty wink – and can now exclusively reveal the top ten reasons Ed Miliband believes he is the right person to lead the UK. Continue reading

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Relief that Ed Miliband will be put down later this week

Hmm. Don't think much of the leader. Who is he?

“Hmm. I don’t think much of the leader either. Who is he?”

Shadow Ministers will arrive at ‘work’ today with a spring in their steps, knowing that, as a final act of kindness, Ed Miliband will be culled before the weekend.

Lord Kinnock’s ringing endorsement of Labour’s human drag-anchor was the penultimate nail in the near-complete coffin, according to Lady Kinnock.

“Good grief! Neil didn’t know he was leading us to defeat, even when he’d already done it once before. As soon as I heard him talking-up Ed on Radio 4, I got my black dress and veil out of the attic and straight round to the cleaners”.

Colleagues queuing for tickets to stab Ed in the back, debated when the deed should be done. Some favoured Remembrance Day, with the nation’s attention elsewhere for a minute at 11am; others Friday morning, to allow the new leader a  full weekend before calls for their resignation begin.

“Yes, it was only this morning that I noticed Ed was useless,” briefed a potential leadership candidate yesterday “but you can trust in my vision for economic prosperity. Sorry, gotta go, Yvette’s doing a Sunday roast.”

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Nigel Farage demands Cenotaph ceremony be all about him

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“Me. Me. Meeeeeeee!”

Ukip leader Nigel Farage has poured scorn on tomorrow’s wreath laying ceremony at the Cenotaph complaining that it fails to celebrate him adequately.

“This is the ‘closed shop’ of the British political system in action,” Farage complained. “When it is clear that at this time what the nation needs is me front and centre I have been side-lined in favour of political leaders with more than one MP and an old woman in a black hat.” Continue reading

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Yvette Cooper and Andy Burnham deny trying to win Labour the next election

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Balls, Burnham and Cooper react to Ed’s assurances he won’t step down

Yvette Cooper and Andy Burnham have strenuously denied having a meeting to discuss plans to make Labour win the next election.

The meeting between the two was to discuss the possibility of Ed Miliband launching his best policy to date, his resignation.
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by | November 7, 2014 · 9:09 am

Russell Brand sues designers of Guy Fawkes mask

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“I definitely came up with this first” insisted Brand.

Russell Brand has started legal action against legendary author Alan Moore, claiming he stole his face for an iconic Guy Fawkes mask.

Brand, 444, revealed he was the inspiration for graphic novel ‘V for Vendetta’, despite Moore never meeting him or caring if he was dead or alive.

“What it is, right, is a ponderous liberty with me visage”, said Brand. “I’ve been contriving for a fulmination of parliament from the first day I was on drugs. Parklife.”

Defence lawyers for Moore pointed out that he didn’t ‘draw a bloody thing’, but simply wrote the story for David Loyd to illustrate. “Aye, but the flocculent visionary was thinking of me when he wroted it, dint ‘e? Parklife”, insisted Brand.
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Farage vetoes unhappy Gove’s bid to defect to UKIP

Farage gives his opinion on Gove (pot & kettle?)

Farage gives his opinion on Gove (pot & kettle?)

The corridors of Westminster were reeling last night following the astonishing revelation that a disillusioned Michael Gove recently attempted to join UKIP and, even more amazingly, his application was rejected personally by leader Nigel Farage.

Once the class swot, it was known that the former Education Secretary had felt side-lined since his demotion to Westminster dorm monitor so the news that he had been actively seeking a new position was not a huge surprise; but the question every political commentator wanted answered yesterday was, ‘Why had the UKIP hierarchy decided not to hire Gove?

The answer came last night at throwing out time at Farage’s favourite hostelry, known locally as The Xenophobe Arms. Besieged by journalists, Nigel Farage held an impromptu press conference.

“It’s all about image,” he started.  “We want to show we are a serious political party so we can’t just allow anyone to join.  In fact you could say we at UKIP have our own immigration policy,” he added jovially.” Continue reading

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Disappointing friends still sharing Britain First posts

Sad poppy, slumped in despair, yesterday

Stupid friends you have on Facebook are persisting in sharing Britain First’s posts, despite it being obvious that the organisation is a bunch of Nazi fuckwits, it emerged today. The arrival of remembrance season has made your less intelligent acquaintances even more tiresome than usual, with many happy to share a photo of Hitler provided it has a poppy and a starving dog in the picture.

Hopes had been high that even the most disappointing of your friends would have realised by now that sharing these posts is the online equivalent of wearing your own faeces as a hat, but sadly the penny seems yet to drop.
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Theresa May: Fresh crisis as Norma Jean Baker resigns from Home Office

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Norma Jean Baker in happier times

Hapless Theresa May had barely sat down after pretending to apologise to the Commons for last weeks balls-ups, when ‘some Lib-Dem woman’ resigned from her team yesterday afternoon.

“I’m grateful to Norma Jean for all her work for the Home Office over the last err… Continue reading

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Labour to gender-swap Ed Miliband in the hope of gaining voter support

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We can’t imagine where they got the idea

In response to his continual failure to be in any way believable as a human being, the Labour Party are to gender-swap Ed Miliband. Voting for Miliband to be Prime Minister is currently nestling between being sicked on on the nightbus and taking a long steamy shower with Piers Morgan on the official list of the top one hundred things no one ever wants to do. Continue reading

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Leon Brittan to chair historical child abuse Inquiry

Leon Brittan retraces his steps hunting for the missing dossier “I’m sure I walked down this road.”

Having almost run out of idiots willing to chair the government’s child abuse inquiry, Theresa May has called in a favour from a semi-retired politician; all-time Spitting Image favourite Leon Brittan, who agreed to take on the role.

“Everybody else we’d asked knew Leon to some extent.” mumbled the gaffe-prone Home Secretary, through the red shoes stuck in her mouth,

Brittan never liked this Spitting Image puppet

Brittan never liked this Spitting Image puppet

“So I’ve cut out the middle-women and gone to the one man who probably knows what happened to the dossier he was given when he had this job”.

“We do know the papers were shredded, moulded into a papier-mache dunce’s hat and then fed to a herd of Longhorn Highland Cattle. But after that the trail went strangely cold”.

“We’ve not given up hope of finding it though” added Mrs May “if we can just trawl through enough old bull-shit.”

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Theresa May’s organising of a piss up in a brewery enters its fourth year.

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Theresa May’s attempts to organise a piss up in a brewery has entered its four year, but still looks some way off actually happening.

The piss up was supposed to celebrate her party’s election success in 2010. “I didn’t want anything too complicated, just a few drinks in a place where drink would be readily available,” the prime minister explained.

However the apparently simple task got off to a bad start when May appointed Gordon Brown to arrange the party.
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