Category Archives: Media

Guardian journalists debate ‘where did Labour go wrong?’ over bottles of Krug NV Grand Cuveé

dancona champers

D’Ancona proposed a ‘bottoms up’ redistribution.

As the shock of Labour’s election rout slowly wears off, Guardian journalists are debating where it all went wrong over bottles of Champagne and sliced Parmigiano-Reggiano.

“I think Ed failed to connect with the worker people who do things with their hands, shop people, and the like” said Matthew d’Ancona after his third glass.

“He should have done more photo-ops with those Northern men who wear funny hats with a torch on them and go underground to get stuff. Then the worker hand-stuff people would have warmed to Ed and trusted him to spend their money wisely.”
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Leaders’ debate: who won on socks?

sox

Mmmmmm. Socks

While many discuss who best represented their party position on the economy, or on immigration, a definitive view on who had the best socks has been hard to come by. Until now.

Miliband – two odd socks, one that said “Tuesday” and one that said “Sunday”, despite it being Thursday. Both socks said “right” and he needed help from his wife to put them on.

Clegg – promised in the run up to the debate that he would wear socks, even went into great detail about exactly what type of socks they would be. Then turned up without any.

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Filed under Election 2015, Media, Politics, TV

Eyesight damage fears over Friday’s total eclipse of Brian Cox

Dr. Brian Cox

No smiles from Brian after he learns of his temporary eclipse

Keen skywatchers and other lonely men have been warned not to watch tomorrow’s total eclipse with the naked eye.

The largest glowing orb in the firmament will be temporarily out of sight, as Dara O’Briain passes briefly in front of the cameras focused on Professor Cox’s shiny visage.

John Harris, producer of BBC’s Stargazing explained the moon-faced comic’s relationship with Britain’s smiley-est man “Dara’s been running around Brian since our first series. Having only a scraped ‘pass’ in theoretical physics, he is held in orbit by the gravitational pull of Cox’s many doctorates.”

With a finite amount of cameras, it’s almost inevitable that O’Briain’s studio directions will occasionally take him in front of the pre-eminent star in the galaxy. This will happen again tomorrow but there are dangers for the unwary says Harris.

“Anyone tempted to stare directly at Professor Cox, even in eclipse, must only do so through something really opaque. Super-strong sunglasses, welding goggles or Ed Ball’s plans for the economy.”

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Filed under Intergalactic News, Media, News, science

‘We’re not influenced by advertisers’ insists Daily PotNoodleGraph

potnoodlegraph

Name change seemed a little rushed

After criticism that its coverage of the HSBC tax scandal was toned down because of commercial interests, the Daily Telegraph has fiercely denied that its recent name change to the PotNoodleGraph has anything to do with the lavish two-page advertisement taken out in its pages by noodle makers Unilever.

The paper’s chief political commentator Peter Oborne resigned on Tuesday, complaining that the influence of advertisers had ruined the newspaper’s journalistic integrity.

In a scathing editorial leader this morning, the paper “makes no apology” for its decision to ignore the HSBC tax story, and goes on to insist: “Love buckets of joy, plastic pots of paradise, call them what you will, our noodly snacks deliver knockout flavour right on the kisser.” Continue reading

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Filed under Business, Media

Daily Mail admits to getting a bit excited by Isis

Paul Dacre: sweaty palms

Punishment for sins we all committed in a past life and alleged source of news, the Daily Mail, has admitted that Isis gets them a little bit sweaty.

“It’s the way they keep doing entirely unspeakable things to people and filming it that I find so fascinating,” said editor, Paul Dacre. “We then publish images from those films, with the worst details ever-so-slightly blurred, and harrumph about how evil it is. Then we do it again and again and again. Simples.” Continue reading

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Has Halifax helped a man who didn’t give extra?

halifaxbadge

Stephanie knows if you’ve been naughty or nice. Or is that Santa?

The Advertising Standards Authority is investigating whether the Halifax bank might have deliberately lent money to a lazy oaf described by colleagues as ‘one of life’s takers’.

Other banks might give such assistance with impunity. However, Halifax’s claim that ‘people who give extra should get extra back from their bank’, means the advertising watchdog is looking at how the company actually weeds out the sluggards from the grafters.

“We’ve not found anything yet.” said an ASA spokesperson “Indeed, after only a few moment’s moderately hard thinking, we realised it was probably impossible. There’s nothing on the loan application form about it.”

“If we can’t come up with something soon, we may have to ask George Osborne how he sorts out hard-working taxpayers from the rest of us.”

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Filed under Advertisments, Business, Media, News

Lib/Lab leaders look forward to the next 100 days left in office.

job centre

I want to be an engine driver. Woo woo!

With only 100 days until what is expected by nobody to be a closely fought general election, both Labour leader Ed Miliband and his Lib Dem rival, Nick Clegg have stated how excited they are at the prospect of a further 100 days remaining in charge of their respective parties. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Economy, Election 2015, Election 2015, Media, News, Politics

BBC announces Spy Competition to find leaders for Blue Peter Youth movement.

Flag made from sticky backed plastic and a pair of Val's old knickers.

Flag made from sticky backed plastic and a pair of Val’s old knickers.

BBC bosses have announced a children’s spy competition in conjunction with MI5 to find kids with the right ‘attitude and qualifications’ to lead the new Blue Peter Youth movement.

The Blue Peter Youth is being set up as a social initiative to encourage children to take part in local activities such as collecting milk bottle tops for charity, dog walking, racism, and bracing outdoor activities like cycling, hill walking and book burning. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Culture, Entertainment, Media, Politics, TV, Uncategorized

East Grinstead ‘totally out of bounds for non-Scientologists’ says Fox News

Steve_Emerson_3161482c

Anal terrorism is the worst, Fox News

An American “terrorism expert” on the right-wing Fox News channel has declared that the leafy Sussex town of East Grinstead is “a totally Scientologist” city “where non-Scientologists just simply don’t go”.

Steve Emerson made the claim, which may come as a surprise to the thousands of non-Scientologist residents of West Sussex’s fourteenth-largest town, during a television discussion about no-go zones in Europe where Scientologists are apparently in complete control.

“In Britain, it’s not just no-go zones, there are actual towns like East Grinstead that are totally Scientologist, where John Travolta and  Tom Cruise stalk the streets, beating up anyone who doesn’t look like them, dress like them or make increasingly desperate comeback movies,” he said. Continue reading

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Filed under Felching Bumsquats, Media, Politics

‘Disappointment as ‘My Times’ Facebook post ‘just full of chips’

fishnchipsinnewspaper

Much too neatly arranged for our tastes. Still fish & chips though!

Local show-off Dave Evans expressed his disappointment in an app that summarised his year as a newspaper, when it turned out to be ‘just full of chips’.

‘I’d seen other ‘My Times’ posts, with pictures of people holding new babies or bragging about a new kitchen, so I immediately thought ‘who wouldn’t like to read about me?’ said Evans.

‘But when it trawled through my life, it summarised my year as a small pile of chips. Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, Media, Social media

Today is ‘Let’s remember the Daily Mail supported Hitler’ day!

rothermere

Daily Mail owner, left, with friend

It has been announced that December 28th is from now on to be the day when we should all remember that just prior to the Second World War, English newspaper the Daily Mail was actively supporting the Nazi dictator Hitler, we’ve just decided.

The decision to have a special day to remind people that behind the Mail’s paper-thin facade of middle class respectability lurks a creepingly foul fascist cesspit has been in the pipeline for a while, but finally came to fruition following the paper’s story today about the Queen’s correspondence with former nutter and cannibal Idi Amin.
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Apple crumble over human rights allegations

appleworkerscleaning

Production line staff hard at work, cleaning up for Apple

“We at Apple are shocked to the core” said Graham Cross, after secret filming at Apple’s suppliers revealed repeated staff abuse. “But rest assured. Lawyers will be all over the BBC’s arse by Monday.”

BBC’s Panorama film showed workers so fatigued that they fell asleep during rest periods and even whilst operating machines.

Cross says although it’s common practice for workers to nap during breaks, he’ll investigate any evidence of sleeping at the workbench. “If it’s proved, then firm action will definitely follow. Wages will be docked. Guilty parties will first be named and shamed and then get a verbal warning: ‘Oy, Sleepy! Don’t doze off again!’ Only in Mandarin. Probably”.

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Filed under Media, News, Technology

Plebgate latest: Andrew Mitchell’s ‘unusually high’ expenses queried

mitchelldoyouwantsome

“Come on then. Do you want some, you w**ker?”

The Parliamentary Standards Authority has queried a £3 million ‘photocopy paper & sundry office supplies’ bill, which appeared overnight on Andrew Mitchell’s expenses claim form.

“Yes, it is a bit on the high side” admitted Enid Baxter, the night-duty Emergency Expenses Officer” and we’d have preferred it to be on a printed invoice, rather than handwritten on the back of an envelope”.

However, Baxter says it wasn’t the amount of the claim which caused concern but the request for the cheque to be made out to ‘cash’.

“I expect his mind was on other things” she conceded, “what with the £3 million libel case court costs and the Judge finding out he was lying. Probably.”

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Local radio station celebrates purchase of second record

Zzzzzzz!

Zzzzzzz!

Spirits were high at Radio Harold following their announcement that the popular station had doubled its record collection with the acquisition of a second record.

“The purchase of ‘Now that’s what I call Easy Listening Vol 6’ allows us to deliver our vision of a requests show,” said controller Mavis Jackson. “Obviously, listeners’ choices will be restricted to the two records in our library but they will be able to choose from some 15 tracks, if you don’t include the Cliff Richard song. That should be enough to fill the airwaves for days!”

“This exciting news gives us the opportunity to refresh our programme schedules,” continued Ms Jackson. “Our ever popular feature ‘What’s in my hedge?’ will be trimmed to a daily fifteen minutes and the God Spot, when the Rev. Tansy Forster gives advice on skin aliments, Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Media, News

Daily Mail talking bollocks again

dailymail

The Daily Bollocks

The Daily Mail’s exclusive story attacking the makers of feminist t-shirts for sweatshop conditions has been revealed to be total bollocks, it was revealed today.

In an unsurprising development, the Mail’s bitter criticism of the charity behind the ‘This is what a feminist looks like’ shirts has been comprehensively refuted by the Fawcett Society, which has produced evidence that the workers were paid above minimum wage, worked reasonable hours, were allowed to join unions and received paid overtime.

Eva Neitzert, deputy chief executive of the society, said in a statement: “We’re not surprised, frankly. That tedious bunch of bigoted arseholes will do anything to ridicule women. What a depressingly predictable load of toss.”

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Filed under Media, News

Latest news-umping craze takes over BBC News website

BBC top 10The latest craze of bumping old stories to prominence on media websites has reached new heights with every item this morning of the Most Popular section on the BBC News website being an archived piece, including a rare report on the revulsion of the Islam world following the beheading of Anne Boleyn in 1536.

Fans of the craze, known as News-Umping, use social media to boost old stories which are often more interesting than the current headline news.  Exponents are proudly geeky since considerable research is required to locate old articles.

“It needs a good deal of work as google only goes back about 15 years,” said one young newsumper from behind a bushy beard and thick horn rimmed spectacles Continue reading

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Filed under Media, News, Social media

Notorious serial killer tricked into retweeting photo of Margaret Thatcher

MaggieBritain’s most notorious female serial killer, Rose West, is furious after being tricked into retweeting a photo of Margaret Thatcher.

Twitter user Simon Delaney sent West the Thatcher photo saying it was his ‘Nan’ who was a big fan of West’s ruthless work ethic and could the photo please be retweeted in her memory?
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Proton Therapy Centre optimistic Ashya’s family’s finances ‘sufficiently robust to withstand treatment’

No, not your vital signs, it's your stock market performance

No, not your vital signs, it’s your stock market performance

Young brain tumour patient Ashya King has arrived in Prague after flying in from Malaga.

The centre reviewed Malaga hospital documents before Ashya travelled but need to see bank statements before determining his suitability for treatment.

Mr King is due to meet doctors at the Proton Therapy Centre to discuss options. A spokesman explained that their specialist intervention is not suitable for everyone, particularly poor people Continue reading

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Pack of braying media leeches ‘fear for Paul Gascoigne’s health’

 

Gazza thought the flashing lights when he went out in the morning were to do with his drinking

Gascoigne didn’t realise his blurred vision wasn’t always due to drinking

Paparazzi have asked fans to pray for the recovery of Paul Gascoigne (48 colummn inches).

He was papped earlier this week looking hagard, belying his ability to still shift papers.

The footballing legend is being treated in hospital for a serious illness, which many people feel entitled to be informed about and then make judgements upon.

A worried jackal, Brian (300mm, f stop 5.7), spoke from the scrum outside the hospital ‘I really hope he’s not drinking that gin I gave him, at least not all of it. I bought an appartment on the Algarve thanks to Gazza, and I really owed him one.’

Concerned vampire Simon (50mm, mainly portrait work) agreed. ‘I got him to agree to an exclusive tomorrow, if he makes it through the night. But I also spoke with Geoff, a former team mate (pundit rates, less 10% for cash) who agreed I can make up some quotes for him to say, so I’m covered whatever the outcome.’ Continue reading

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Filed under Health, Media, News, Sport

Govt. sanctioned rebellion festival ‘a success’ says State TV

glasttent

Free anarchy T-shirt with every edamame bean salad.

Thousands of citizens have enjoyed a weekend of government-approved anarchy, claimed Britain’s propaganda machine, the BBC.

Rebellious festival-goers paid £215 each to make a stand against the Status Quo, one of the few geriatric groups not performing this year.

“I love the chance to express my individualism by phoning up and buying a ticket when the media tells me to”, said a defiant-looking Nigel Farquar-Smitherington.
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