Category Archives: Lifestyle

Advertising feature: Introducing the amazing child-cleaning power of MumSpit

Made from only the finest free range mums

Made from only the finest free range mums

Have you ever noticed how messy children can become when you’re out? Ice cream, chocolate, mud and animal fur all seem to be magnetically attracted to their faces, leaving other people thinking you don’t wash your kids. Sure you could use a wet wipe, but if anything you are just spreading the problem. That’s where we can help

Introducing ‘MumSpit’

Made with the cleaning power of spit from over 40 authentic mothers all from the village of Harold, MumSpit not only kills 99.9% of all known germs, but it also has a bloody good go at the remaining 0.1%. Sprayed liberally onto the offending face, MumSpit can then wiped away with a hanky, a jumper sleeve or a McDonald’s napkin. Continue reading

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Filed under Advertisments, Lifestyle, science

Family slammed for not organising charity event following grandfather’s death

MarathonWhen Doris Kettle’s brother, Ken, died at the age of 78 in January, his sister naturally expected his family to pay tribute to him in the usual manner by taking part in some futile project in his memory. But so far, says a disappointed Doris, nothing has happened.

“I think it’s appalling,’ said the Grandmother of six. “We had the funeral, the wake and then, of course, the memorial service and since then, nothing. The London Marathon came and went and none of the lazy buggers even bothered to take part in that. Not one of them has even had their head shaved. I can’t help thinking that Ken died in vain.” Continue reading

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Filed under Lifestyle, News

Know your limits – the danger of binge Facebook sharing

Just say no

Just say no

The serious social issue of binge Facebook sharing has reached epidemic proportions, with some people over-indulging so much that they spend almost the entire weekend in a kitten-photo induced coma.

The problem is again in the spotlight after a weekend when the Harold Accident and Emergency department was overwhelmed with binge Facebookers after they had shared one chain horse meat joke too many and had friends come round and punch their lights out.

Dunstable University social media expert Professor Luke Thorne pointed out that mild Facebook sharing wasn’t a problem, but overindulgence was.
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Technology

New bail-out required after a run on the nation’s food banks

food bank QueueWith the financial crisis still rumbling along and belts being tightened enough to make Eric Pickles look like an hour-glass, a new crisis is emerging that is going to require another bail-out. Rumours of a lack of deposits has led to the country’s first run on a food bank.

With more and more people being forced to use the banks in order to feed their family, deposits in them are now running at an all time low. The charities are now looking for a bail-out to boost their stocks they hold from the government, or Asda.
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Filed under Business, Lifestyle, News, Politics

Man dies after eating an Apple a day

To get 2 of his 5-a-day, the  iPhones were on Orange

To get 2 of his 5-a-day, the iPhones were on Orange

A 19 year old man died yesterday, after being advised to eat an apple a day by Doctor Evans. Wayne Chavley was rushed to hospital after consuming 2 iPhones, 3 iPads and a Macbook air over the course of 6 days.

It is believed he initially visited his GP for a check up. As he was found to be a little on the morbidly obese side, Doctor Evans recommended he try eating fruit as a snack instead of a family size bar of Galaxy. As Mr Chavley walked out of the doctor’s room, an eyewitness tells us she heard the doctor say ” an apple a day keeps the doctor away”. “I couldn’t believe my ears” Mrs Sandy told us. “It was obvious that the man leaving the room had no idea what fruit was”.

Mr Chavley’s girlfriend made an emotional statement outside the family bedsit. ” We just wanted Wayne to lose a couple of stone. 20 stone was his target. When the doctor recommended an apple a day, we thought he meant iPhones and that. We robbed 4 different people of their stuff and nearly got arrested in Comet as we couldn’t afford all those things, but it was all to help Wayne.” Continue reading

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Filed under Lifestyle, News

Dry cappuccino or cup of foam?

Food & Drink with Miles Anour 

Can I get an dry extra arid foamy cappuccino?

Can I get an dry extra arid foamy cappuccino?

Like many other people, my day always starts with a cup of coffee. Admittedly I start my day several hours later than most people, but that’s due to the heavy research that a professional writer, like what I am, has to undertake.

So there I am, standing in the queue trying to reconstruct the hazy segments of the previous evening when I hear the following grating order  from a customer.

Could I get a grande dry cappuccino?”

I have BIG ISSUES with this seemingly simple request. First, what goes the customer mean by the phrase ‘could I get’. Does he wish to serve himself?  Make the barista redundant, perhaps? Surely he either means ‘Could I have?’ or ‘Could you get?’ Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle

Council announces plan to put village on the happiness standard

Is this image better for you than money?

Is the mirth of this image better for you than money?

Returning from a controversial fact-finding tour to the Kingdom of Bhutan, Councillor Ron Ronsson has announced that Harold’s council intend to put it on the happiness standard.

“I know some of you felt that it wasn’t right for a senior member of the council and his wife, his brother-in-law, his daughter and her partner to spend two weeks in Thimphu at the council’s expense but this was a necessary trip that will change Harold as we know it.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Vikings

Feature: Six weeks to the perfect beach body

rsz_284871_4320971100476_683119832_n

Throw away those razors, girls.

Harold’s own movie star, former Bond-girl Emilie Bourdain, has come out of semi-retirement to offer women a guide to the perfect beach body. A topic she knows all about having rocketed to fame as Claire Medea in the Bond film More Deadly Than The Male which starred Roger Moore as James Bond and saw them light up the screen together in the now iconic ‘naughty hazelnut’ scene which was filmed on Crescent Head beach, New South Wales, and resulted in Emilie Bourdain winning Pipe Smoker of the Year 1975. Continue reading

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Filed under Fashion, Lifestyle

Cameron listens to grassroots – bans “swivel-eyed loon” marriage

Where are all the canapes?

Where are all the canapes?

After listening to grass-roots Tory concerns about the Marriage Equality Bill, Prime Minister David Cameron says he has reconsidered his views, and as a compromise he will ban marriages between swivel-eyed loons while allowing same-sex couples to marry.

“I heard the message loud and clear that not all groups in society should be allowed to marry” said Cameron. “When I saw the activists foam at the mouth and roll their eyes randomly while spouting anti-gay hate, I realised something had to be done.”

“It was either ban swivel-eyed loons from marrying and breeding or transport them all to Australia. Unfortunately Australia has already filled their swivel-eyed loon quota so marriage ban it is.”
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Filed under Felching Bumsquats, International News, Lifestyle, Politics

Politicians raise concerns over ‘Google Underpants’ privacy

google_ass

Say “Cheese”!

US politicians are urgently seeking assurances from Google that its new ‘smart underpants’ will respect personal privacy. The underpants, codenamed “Google Ass”, appear similar to traditional underwear, but contain a ‘heads-up’ display with camera and microphone, which sit snugly on the wearer’s right testicle (most users are believed to be male).

A letter signed by members of the Congressional privacy caucus has been sent to Google posing several questions about the data the gadget will collect from users, and concerns were also raised about the privacy implications of having a camera strapped permanently to one’s cock. The caucus has quizzed many tech companies in the past on what they do with the information they gather from users’ genitals, and famously reprimanded Sony for not making it clear to customers that the new “Buttman” music player included DRM which meant once inserted, it could only be removed in-store, causing much embarrassment to shoppers.
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Filed under Dating, Fashion, Lifestyle, Technology

What’s wrong with white wine

Food & Drink with Miles Anour

Miles puts in some serious research

Miles puts in some serious research

People often ask me “Miles, what have you got against white wine drinkers?”

Once I’ve picked myself up from the floor, not from the shock of the question, but usually because I’ve usually been researching fairly strenuously for several hours, I reply that I’ve nothing against the bastards personally, it’s just that the narrow minded Philistines are missing out on so much good drinking. Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle

African village adopts Angelina Jolie’s breasts

safe and sound

safe and sound

Support for Angelina Jolie after her double mastectomy has reached all corners of the globe with the news that the Angolan village of Malu has agreed to adopt her breasts.

Malu village chief Oongal Weel said that while the circumstances of Jolie’s breasts becoming orphaned were tragic, he was confident they would be well looked after in the village.

“The local women have vowed to treat them as they would their own” said Mr Weel. “Even a number of men have expressed an interest in caring for them.”

The move has sparked controversy, with psychologists saying that while the move was well meaning, there could be long-term issues in integrating breasts of a white, global superstar into a very poor African village.

Despite these concerns, other African villages are jumping on the celebrity body part adoption bandwagon.
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Filed under International News, Lifestyle

Dambusters in-flight catering was superior to budget airlines

Food and Drink with Miles Anour

Dambusters plane disposes of empty barrel of 1943 claret

Dambusters plane disposes of empty barrel of 1943 claret

There’s a lot being written about the 70th anniversary of the Dambusters wartime air raid. There is no doubting that the men who carried out this mission were heroically brave, but the prospect of near certain death was compensated for a little by the high standard of in-flight catering in those days. I mean, compared to EasyJet or similar frightful flight providers.

For a start, refreshments and meals would have been included. I’ll bet the crew didn’t have to pay their in-flight butler extra for a measly coffee, peanuts or a Mars bar. And I know for a fact that they started stuffing their faces from the moment the pilot called out ‘chocs away’. I’ve seen the old films.

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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle

Advertisement Feature: Could you be entitled to claim back ‘SSI’?

Claim back your 30p

Claim back your 30p

Have you ever been to a well known burger restaurant? Did you have fries and a drink with your fast food? Have you eaten your chicken out of a bucket in the last 6 years. If you answered yes to any of these, then you could be entitled to a refund of your ‘Super Size Increase’.

Many fast food outlets have been mis-selling SSI for years, but new government legislation means you could claim back all of those 30p’s. You have been mis-sold SSI if you went extra large without needing it, wanting to, or not having the extra calorie information explained to you.

Call now and our advisors can tell you if you have a claim. We have already helped thousands of people who have been mis-sold SSI. Here is what some of our satisfied customers have said

Melanie, 24 stone from Margate says:

‘I have been going to these places for years and every time I ate there I went large. Nobody explained the consequences the extra 5 fries would have on me and now I’m morbidly obese. It has undone all the good work I have done ordering each meal with a diet coke. I have managed to claim back every 30p from the last six years. Yesterday I got my cheque for £17,000.’

Sarah, size 10 from Clethorpes says:

‘I am always asked if I want to ‘Go Large’. A few times I have taken them up on the offer, only to find out I could not manage that much food. Despite that they continued to mis-sell SSI to me every visit. I received a cheque for £1.20.

So why wait. Call us today and we will fight your corner to claim back your SSI. Why not also ask our helpful customer service advisor about our other services. We can help if you have been mis-sold PPI, had an accident in the last three years, or paid a commission to a claims company for something you could have done yourself.

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Filed under Business, Lifestyle, News

Advertisement Feature: Could you be entitled to claim back ‘SSI’?

Claim back your 30p

Claim back your 30p

Have you ever been to a well known burger restaurant? Did you have fries and a drink with your fast food? Have you eaten your chicken out of a bucket in the last 6 years. If you answered yes to any of these, then you could be entitled to a refund of your ‘Super Size Increase’.

Many fast food outlets have been mis-selling SSI for years, but new government legislation means you could claim back all of those 30p’s. You have been mis-sold SSI if you went extra large without needing it, wanting to, or not having the extra calorie information explained to you.

Call now and our advisors can tell you if you have a claim. We have already helped thousands of people who have been mis-sold SSI. Here is what some of our satisfied customers have said

Melanie, 24 stone from Margate says:

‘I have been going to these places for years and every time I ate there I went large. Nobody explained the consequences the extra 5 fries would have on me and now I’m morbidly obese. It has undone all the good work I have done ordering each meal with a diet coke. I have managed to claim back every 30p from the last six years. Yesterday I got my cheque for £17,000.’

Sarah, size 10 from Clethorpes says:

‘I am always asked if I want to ‘Go Large’. A few times I have taken them up on the offer, only to find out I could not manage that much food. Despite that they continued to mis-sell SSI to me every visit. I received a cheque for £1.20.

So why wait. Call us today and we will fight your corner to claim back your SSI. Why not also ask our helpful customer service advisor about our other services. We can help if you have been mis-sold PPI, had an accident in the last three years, or paid a commission to a claims company for something you could have done yourself.

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Filed under Business, Lifestyle, News

New lease of life for allotments as they turn to graveyard a plot at a time

Allotment take-up is a grave business

Allotment take-up is a grave business

Harold’s once-proud allotment plots are getting a long-overdue facelift, thanks to the astonishing average age of their owners.

For years, the village allotments have been a draw for the elderly, who pretend to grow potatoes while drinking gin in their sheds.

But with vegetables now widely available in shops, few youngsters see the point in subsistence farming.
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News

Sir Alex leaves Manchester United in preparation to take over from the Queen

Previously crowned 'king of Europe' Fergie takes on a smaller challenge

Previously crowned ‘king of Europe’ Fergie takes on a smaller challenge

Sir Alex Ferguson has announced his retirement from football today, positioning himself to take over managing the country from the Queen.

“I see Prince Charles is being sent to the commonwealth meeting in the Queen’s place to prepare him” Fergie told reporters. “These other countries need a leader they can trust and take seriously, so I will go with him.”

This move has led to speculation that not even the Queen can trust the Prince of Wales to take on the role as head of state when the time comes. Insiders at the palace have denied that claim, but with Sir Alex expected to sit beside the Queen during the state opening of Parliament, the rumours continue.

Earlier there were conflicting reports. Some had suggested he was going to take the top job at Reading FC, but the ‘royals’ he is going to manage turned out to be the Windsors.
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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Politics, Royals, Sport, Uncategorized

Lazy women demand men-free space

We'll overthrow the patriarchy tomorrow today is about cake

We’ll overthrow the patriarchy tomorrow today is about cake

As women-only gym sessions grow in popularity exercisephobic women in Harold are demanding their own man-free space.

‘At the fitness centre in Dunstable they have women-only classes and women-only swimming sessions plus times when the whole place is only open to girls,’ Jane Hough wistfully told The Evening Harold. ‘I bet it’s brilliant but I can’t participate because I’m completely lazy and haven’t exercised since school.’

Fellow Haroldite Melissa Barker was quick to agree. ‘Fit women and those on the way to being fit get loads of gender-specific events,’ she said. ‘Like gym sessions and the Blimp to Shrimp slimming club in the village hall. But because I refuse to take responsibility for my own health and well-being I have to put up with men all the time and it’s not fair.’ Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News, Sport

Britain’s beleaguered badgers get sex raccoon makeover

sexraccoon

Maxord denies badgering clients

With TB, culls and being awful at crossing roads to contend with, there’s never been a worse time to be a badger.

But a media raccoon thinks he can help Britain’s embattled brocks, by giving them a cheeky public relations makeover.

Cliff Maxord, a shuffling scavenger with a nose for publicity, thinks badgers need to work on their image. And with their stripy little faces and bumbling gait, they’re already half-way to being mistaken for raccoons.
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Filed under International News, Lifestyle, News

Canine lingerie website is the dogs bollocks

Woof, woof!

Woof, woof!

The Chinese internet craze for posting photos of dogs dressed in lingerie has reached Harold courtesy of Dave Zhou, owner of the 38th Parallel, the village’s North Korean Restaurant.

Dave explained how he had set up his ‘Bitches in Fishnets’ website which enables allows pet owners to anonymously post photographs of their pooches dressed in what he describes as “very sexy leg wear”,

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Filed under Lifestyle, News