Feature: Six weeks to the perfect beach body


Throw away those razors, girls.

Harold’s own movie star, former Bond-girl Emilie Bourdain, has come out of semi-retirement to offer women a guide to the perfect beach body. A topic she knows all about having rocketed to fame as Claire Medea in the Bond film More Deadly Than The Male which starred Roger Moore as James Bond and saw them light up the screen together in the now iconic ‘naughty hazelnut’ scene which was filmed on Crescent Head beach, New South Wales, and resulted in Emilie Bourdain winning Pipe Smoker of the Year 1975.

Ms Bourdain who still gives her age as late-fifties has become more famous over the last three decades for her tireless animal rights campaigning and the animal sanctuary she runs from Ashcroft Hall, her estate on the edge of Harold.

“I haven’t put on an ounce since donning those famous silver thigh boots and cavorting with dear, lovely Moorsey,” she told the Evening Harold. “However I know that a lot of women struggle with body image and weight issues and so I’m publishing this guide to help them break free and be confident and beautiful. Unless they’re a size twelve or over then I’m afraid there really is no hope apart from radical surgery.”

In her forthcoming book Beach Bitch, Emilie Bourdain says that the best bodies to emulate when soaking up the sun aren’t those of Megan Fox or Rosie Huntingdon-Whiteley but ones belonging to labrador retrievers (see above photo).

“Dogs are so much better adapted to the beach than humans,” she explained. “They have those wonderful coats to protect them from the sun and any nasty, bitey insects that could be around as well as their marvellous panting mechanism to keep them cool.”

‘Plus they are excellent swimmers, far better than humans, thanks to their strong tails and webbed feet. So if a dog goes for a paddle it is far less likely to get into trouble and if they do because they don’t panic or get distracted a dog will survive getting caught in a current with ease.”

“I urge women to unleash their inner-beach bitch. Get furry! Get joyful and enjoy your time on the sand. Think labrador retriever and you’ll soon be having more fun in the sun than ever before!”

When asked if she was planning on writing a similar guide for men the woman whose name was once romantically linked with Terence Stamp, George Best and Adnan Khashoggi made a scornful noise then replied: “Men, ha! I gave up all that nonsense years ago, darling. I’ve never done anything with a man that’s more fun than mucking out llamas.”


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