Category Archives: International News

Britain’s beleaguered badgers get sex raccoon makeover

sexraccoon

Maxord denies badgering clients

With TB, culls and being awful at crossing roads to contend with, there’s never been a worse time to be a badger.

But a media raccoon thinks he can help Britain’s embattled brocks, by giving them a cheeky public relations makeover.

Cliff Maxord, a shuffling scavenger with a nose for publicity, thinks badgers need to work on their image. And with their stripy little faces and bumbling gait, they’re already half-way to being mistaken for raccoons.
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Filed under International News, Lifestyle, News

Murderous magician will find out what his Wandsworth

pistolwandOne of Harold’s most beguiling mysteries has finally been solved, and sadly proven to be a most despicable and gruesome crime.

Every local knew and loved the spectacular magic show put on annually by local magician “The Great Haroldo”. Although a touring performer he would end his season every year in Harold, and has done so for over 20 years. The pinnacle of the show was always a grand illusion which would culminate in a member of the audience disappearing.

In the early years the volunteer would always re-appear, looking slightly shaken, and return to their seat. However every year since 1997 the volunteer has failed to re-materialise, and none has ever been seen again.

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Filed under Crime, DNA, Golden Showers, International News

Evil dictatorship welcomed by Bahrain

f1 copyThere has been protests throughout Bahrain this week at the decision to allow a fierce and brutal dictatorship come and stage a race in the country. The FIA, Formula 1’s governing body, has been accused of ruling with an iron fist to create an environment of fear up and down the paddock.

The ruling parties main opposition, the Formula One Teams Association (FOTA), have been involved in a long battle to try to install democracy into the sport, but have suffered casualties along the way, with Eddie Jordan now being ritually humiliated on television as punishment for past signs of dissent.

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Filed under International News, News, Politics, Sport

Dress rehearsal for Queen’s funeral was lovely, says Charles

Piss off Charlie

Piss off Charlie

Prince Charles, heir to the Throne for 60 years, is said to be very impressed at how well today’s dress rehearsal for the Queen’s funeral went.

“One couldn’t help but notice how smoothly things went” said Prince Charles. “On the evidence of today’s dress rehearsal, there is no reason why one’s mother’s funeral couldn’t take place as early as next Tuesday. One will have to work things around lunch at the Dorchester though.”
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Filed under Golden Showers, International News

Entrepreneur takes Nestlé’s lead with plans to bottle air

Atmos-fear. Made by nature, bottled in Harold

Atmos-fear. Made by nature, bottled in Harold

With the revelation by the Nestlé chairman, Peter Brabeck, that the world’s problems could be solved by the privatisation of water, a local bottled gas company has announced their plans to bottle all of the breathable air and sell it back to the residents of the world for a small profit.

“With air being a natural resource, like water, coal and oil, one day it will become sparse” the entrepreneur, Fred Dilby told us. “but if we can control it in the very best spirit of capitalism, then one day the village of Harold could become as powerful as Russia”.
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Filed under International News, News, Politics

Nick Clegg claims that Margaret Thatcher would have been a Clegger

cleggy2
Nick Clegg has caused wide-spread offence by leaving a message in the visitors book at the Margaret Thatcher museum that has left many people slack-jawed with disbelief.

Simply known as Margaret Thatcher’s House, the former prime minister’s childhood home above her father’s grocery shop in Grantham, Lincolnshire has been preserved as a museum since November 1990 with many visitors left hushed and awed by its unique atmosphere of ruthlessness and scorn. Nick Clegg and his entourage spent over an hour touring it before he wrote “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Maggie was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Clegger” in the visitors book. Continue reading

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Filed under International News, News, Politics

Village Mayor blasts Madonna in lifeboat donation furore

MadonnaPop star Madonna was accused today of expecting the village of Harold to ‘roll out a red carpet and blast a 21-gun salute in her honour’.

The spat occurred after the 54-year-old self-publicist and her entourage arrived in a motorcade of black-windowed Range Rovers, demanding to see the fruits of the altruistic gesture she displayed during an accidental visit to Harold in 2006.

Harold’s Mayor, Rufus D Jackson, said that when Madonna had found herself in Harold after taking a wrong turning during the Confessions tour, she had been accosted by a fund-raiser for a Lifeboats flag day. Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, International News, News, Showbusiness

BREAKING NEWS: Graham Norton arrested naked in High Street

graham

Disgusting Graham Norton wasn’t this one

49-year-old Irish television presenter Graham Norton, host of comedy chat show The Graham Norton Show, shares his name with a man arrested naked in Harold village’s High Street this morning, it has emerged.

Norton, who took over the prestigious Friday night slot on BBC One from Jonathan Ross in 2010, is not the same man as the Harold local who police detained today for performing a lurid dance routine on the steps of the Boer War memorial, naked apart from Wellington boots and a Phillips screwdriver.

Openly gay Norton, who is known for his camp demeanour, innuendo-laden dialogue and flamboyant presentation style, has nothing in common with the local man (who has been detained for further questioning) other than the shared name, which is a total coincidence.

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Filed under Around Harold, Golden Showers, International News

Archbishop warns against ‘hero worship’: villagers dismantle statue of Jesus

shruggytwat

Recent results have been disappointing

The Archbishop of Canterbury has warned Christians against ‘expecting too much’ from one person, by putting their heroes on pedestals or large wooden crosses.

Villagers led by Phil Evans were suspiciously fast to react. Within minutes the Church of St. Haroldine The Peachy was surrounded by a mob, demanding the statue of Jesus be replaced by an etching of a committee.
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Filed under From the Vicarage, International News, Vicars

Local regrets shedding light on boy ‘raised by moths’

mothboy

Moth-erless Children

A nocturnal boy discovered in the woods outside Harold may have been ‘raised by moths’.

A group of naturalists had set out to record the night-time insects of Harold, but were shocked when their powerful lamps attracted a jittery youth with a face smeared in nectar.

“We’d set up nets, motion-sensing cameras and switched the big light on”, explained Gerladine Forster, who heads the local wildlife trust.

“There was a commotion behind us; snapping twigs, a rush of air, followed by what sounded eerily like a child muttering ‘flapflapflapflapflap’.
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Filed under International News, Lifestyle, News, Uncategorized

Tony Blair announces return to public life as HM Queen

God Bless you Ma'am/Sir.

God Bless you Ma’am/Sir.

Dodging eggs and raising his voice over the shouts of protesters, former Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Tony Blair, visited Harold today and surprised onlookers by announcing his intention to return to public life but this time as the nation’s unelected figurehead.

‘I take nothing away from the current Queen who has done an amazing job but a modern nation needs a modern representative. One who is young but not too young, let’s say late fifties, and one who is across the vibrant culture of today. We’re talking the kind of Queen who goes on holiday with Cliff Richard and once met someone from Oasis.’ Continue reading

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Filed under International News

Paris Hilton almost sighted in Harold Town Centre

imageCelebrity fever hit Harold yesterday as it emerged that Paris Hilton was almost sighted emerging from Harold shop Cuts Both Ways. News of the near miss spread quickly, and the excited crowd would have brought travel to a standstill if there had been any.

Melanie Delaney, 19, was thrilled to be mistaken for Paris Hilton. “It was a stroke of luck that my persistent body image problem and desire to self-harm meant I was out shopping for scissors in the first place. And that people thought I was Paris, even if only for a moment, shows that the bulimia is really paying off.”
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Filed under Around Harold, International News, News

Children take shop to court over admission policy

shopsign

Three schoolchildren from Harold are taking the local Tesco Expess to the ‘Dunstable Court of Human Rights’ in a bid to overturn their ‘no more than 2 schoolchildren at a time’ policy.

The policy was instated in 2010 when the retail giant successfully had the courts impose an ASBO on a local youth for stealing a packet of Space Invaders, although the three year-old’s mother still claims it was a misunderstanding Continue reading

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Filed under International News, News

Village cautious over new ‘continental breakfast’

Breakfast, the continental way

In what has been described as a relaxation of the council’s stance on Europe, a Bed and Breakfast in Harold has been licensed to trial the village’s first ‘Continental Breakfast’.

The breakfast comes served in a French style cardboard box and contains some items locals may not have seen before. One example is the juice of oranges, normally reserved as an alternative to the prawn cocktail starter in high-end restaurants, served in a plastic receptacle. In addition to the fruit juice is a muffin, some cornflakes with complimentary milk substitute and a foreign pastry known only as ‘Croissant’. Continue reading

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Filed under International News