Tony Blair announces return to public life as HM Queen

God Bless you Ma'am/Sir.

God Bless you Ma’am/Sir.

Dodging eggs and raising his voice over the shouts of protesters, former Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Tony Blair, visited Harold today and surprised onlookers by announcing his intention to return to public life but this time as the nation’s unelected figurehead.

‘I take nothing away from the current Queen who has done an amazing job but a modern nation needs a modern representative. One who is young but not too young, let’s say late fifties, and one who is across the vibrant culture of today. We’re talking the kind of Queen who goes on holiday with Cliff Richard and once met someone from Oasis.’

Asked if he was expecting a rocky road to the balcony at Buckingham Palace, Blair replied confidently:

‘I’ve always been unafraid of making big changes. I turned Labour into New Labour, crumbling hospitals into decent healthcare providers, and a million Iraqis into corpses.’

‘I know the people of this nation and they’re not afraid either. They’re the kind of decent, hard-working citizens: a few pints on the weekend, vote during Strictly, two weeks in Spain, eat at Nandos, bollocks to it, I’ve got no idea how the proles amuse themselves get an intern to Google it and for fuck’s sake don’t read this bit out – AC, who would be happy to see someone else wearing the Imperial State Crown, or a Philip Tracey hat and lavender ensemble on less formal occasions.’

Blair outlined the changes he would make to the role of monarch with one crucial difference being communication.

‘Elizabeth II has never given a sit down interview, taken her jacket off at a heavily moderated town hall-style discussion or chatted to the press while casually holding a mug of tea. During my reign such moments would be a regular occurrence with the more spontaneous entered into the diary months in advance to ensure a successful roll-out and delivery. And I will of course be available to friend on Facebook and followed not just as the most important strand in the dazzling multi-cultural carpet of 21st Century Britain but, in a very real sense, on Twitter as well.’

With the deft skill of a seasoned politician Blair was quick to raise then dismiss the notion that his being a recent convert to Catholicism poses a fundamental constitutional barrier to his becoming Queen.

‘Look, I’m a pretty straight guy and now I’ve brought the issue up it’s time to forget it and move on. The same advice a lot of Catholic priests have been giving to their younger parishioners for years and I find it tremendously encouraging. Whether applied to an altar boy who’s finding all that priest stuff hard to swallow or to a nation that’s a little to obsessed with detail when it comes to things like starting wars, isn’t it time we all forgot it and moved on?’

In a surprising move, Blair declared that he would retain Prince Philip as Queen’s Consort.

‘I have met Prince Philip on many occasions and always found him to be wonderful company.’

He went on to point out that spending time with a plank-thick, overprivileged racist who can’t open his mouth without saying something ridiculous and/or offensive was second nature to him on account of his close friendship with George W. Bush.

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