Room for one thousand more on top.
David Cameron’s forehead is to be sent to the Syrian border camps to collect the 20,000 additional refugees the UK government has agreed to let live.
Aid agencies had been struggling to find a vessel large enough and empty enough to transport the refugees, and have welcomed the use of Mr Cameron’s forehead while he’s not using it. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Children, Civil rights, Europe, Save The Children, Society, Travel, Uncategorized
“oopsie.”
Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras has been greeted as a ‘true European’, after entirely ignoring the will of his people.
Despite a referendum vote to reject a punitive settlement, Tsipras agreed to a more punitive one so that some Germans would like him.
“This is exactly what the European Union is all about”, said EU president Claude Juncker. “We ask the people, and then we listen to the banks.”
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British is who you are, not what you are.
Question 1.
You are in the supermarket when the store manager announces over the tannoy that an imminent meteor strike is heading your way. Do you
A – Panic buy all the toilet paper, shoving children and old ladies out of the way in your hurry to get what’s rightfully yours?
B – Use it as an opportunity to steal a laptop while everyone is distracted?
C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?
D – Queue patiently for the self service check out, tutting occasionally at all the noise and disorder.
Question 2.
You are on a crowded bus when a frail, elderly gentleman of dark skinned appearance struggles on only to find no seats available. Do you
A – Cast your eyes everywhere but at him in the hope that you don’t meet his gaze.
B – Take the piss out of his shoes?
C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?
D – Offer him your seat insisting that it’s perfectly fine despite your broken leg and neck brace?
Question 3.
You are watching the television news when a piece comes on about a major tragedy affecting hundreds of foreign people in a country you’ve never even heard of. Do you
A – Switch over to watch “When The World’s Shoutiest TV Presenters Attack”?
B – Laugh?
C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?
D – Immediately ring the charity help line to make a small donation then go and make a cup of tea?
Question 4.
You hear that a family of Syrian asylum seekers is moving into the house next door. Do you
A – Immediately start a petition among the local residents to get the filthy scrounging foreign benefit claiming scum removed?
B – Spray paint abusive messages on their front door telling them to go home?
C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?
D – Knock on the door to see if they need anything and invite them to pop round for a nice cup of tea?
Question 5.
You are on holiday in Majorca with your family when you see a woman wearing full burka despite the 40 degree heat. Do you
A – Carry on walking to the ‘Queen Victoria’ British theme pub, grab a pint of John Smith’s and an all day fry up then sit and moan about all the foreigners coming into Europe these days bringing their weird customs and practices and doing nothing to integrate with the local culture?
B – Throw stones at her until she cries?
C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?
D – Think to yourself that she must be jolly warm under that lot and wonder whether she’d appreciate a refreshing cup of tea?
Time to check your answers.
Mostly A – You are probably aged 18 to 35 and have grown up on a diet of Jeremy Kyle, Daily Mail and social media. You’re more of a bigot than your parents but not as bad as your kids. You believe everything you read on the internet.
Mostly B – You are probably aged 11 to 18 and were brought up by people who answered mostly A.
Mostly C – You are either a member of Islamic State or an American. It’s really not easy to tell from your answers.
Mostly D – You have many of the traits that made British people great before consumerism, Americanisation, me-first attitudes and the practice of everything catering solely for the hard-of-thinking took root. Congratulations, you can stay.
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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Culture, Europe, International News, Lifestyle, News, Politics, Society, Uncategorized
Who would put a pony on Greece?
In a last desperate throw of the dice, Greece has left a small, timber-clad pony on the steps of Brussels.
Always ones to look a gift-horse in the mouth, creditors refused to drag it inside and instead bet heavily on it to win at the ten to midnight handicap at Chepstow.
“We weren’t expecting that”, admitted Greek PM Alexis Tsipras.”We’d rather banked on them popping it into the vault.”
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Can anyone else see A Big Cock?
Politicians with an eye on newspaper headlines are appalled by yet another European Court of Human Rights ruling today, that the UK breached prisoners’ rights by unlawfully refusing to give them the vote.
Following the relative success of Ukip in the English council election, and their expected results in the European ballot, many right-minded people are now having to backtrack from their pre-election smears.
With casual racism being proven an accepted political position, and the fact you are statistically never more than 15 feet from a Ukip voter, people across the country are now saying “how can I hate racists, some of my best friends are racists”.
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Filed under Election 2014, Europe, News, Politics
Nigel can see what’s happening on the streets of Britain, but do YOU have the same amazing vision?
Why not try Nigel’s “You Know the Difference” challenge, and see if you can spot the hidden difference between the nice German man and the Romanian! Nigel knows why he thinks they’re different, but he can’t say – not on the radio, anyway!
Do YOU know the difference???
You know you wouldn’t want one of them living next door to you, but can you spot the crucial reason why they’re so different?
Study these two men carefully, making sure to keep your mind nicely closed. Check your answer below!
If you can spot the difference – CONGRATULATIONS! You’re a UKIP candidate!
Next week: Join us again to play Spot the Difference between Nigel’s BRAIN and an ONION!
After over a decade of dominance in one area of the Eurovision song contest, the United Kingdom looks set to lose its ‘most hated Eurovision country’ title to Russia.
The accolade – which is often associated with the coverted ‘nil points’ – is traditionally awarded to the country the rest of Europe decides has the most trigger happy leader.
Following the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq the UK has been guaranteed the title every year since, but with no troops left in Iraq and withdrawal imminent from Camp Bastion Europe has begun looking elsewhere for its pantomime warmonger.
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Filed under Culture, Europe, International News, News
After me…
Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi arrived at a specialist brothel near Milan on Friday to start a year of community service.
He was sentenced to four years in prison for tax fraud last year, but after consideration was given to his age and special requirements, this was commuted to forty hours work a week with barely legal teenage prostitutes.
The brothel says the 77-year-old will be treated “like any other raving pervert”. Continue reading
Suspicion is growing that a photo supposedly showing UKIP leader Nigel Farage in his youth as a rebellious punk rocker is in fact a forgery.
The photo, above, seems to clearly show Sex Pistols bassist Sid Vicious looking adoringly into Farage’s eyes, and it is these subtle homoerotic overtones which have allegedly caused the UKIP hierarchy to demand a ban from all media outlets.
In fact, close examination by experts has now revealed that despite all appearances, the photo may in fact not be genuine. This is hard to believe, given its authentic appearance, but Photoshop gurus have managed to spot a few tell-tale discrepancies which may begin to cast doubts.
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Filed under Europe, Politics, Showbusiness
Nigel Garage, the formerly French-sounding leader of UKIP, has been explaining to the press why he changed his name by deed poll.
Waving a little Union Flag and talking in cockney, Garage (now pronounced ‘garridge’) claimed that he was broadening his appeal to the sort of low-thinking, closet racist who won’t eat lasagne because it ‘sounds too foreign’.
“It always infuriated me that people in UK call centres had to ask me how I spelled my name”, said Garage. “But so far, they’ve had no problem with the new one. And I have to say, it does seem to be a rather apt choice. The last chap I spoke to said he ‘could just imagine driving his car into me’.”
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Clegg was unsure whether to appeal to the left or to the right.
Nick Clegg faced further humiliation this morning, after losing a conversation with a girl working in McDonalds.
Clegg, who revealed he eats cheap meat for comfort if people are mean to him, was left looking ‘out of touch, out of ideas and out of onion rings’ by the ordeal.
Nikki Hampton works at the fast food outlet to pay her way through her degree. Responsible for mumbling the names of burgers and then sniggering as people smash their door mirrors against her booth, she was more than a match for Britain’s deputy PM.
“I knew it was someone pretending to be important by the length of their limo”, said Hampton. “And true enough, when the blackened rear window dropped there was just this sad, little boy-man staring out. When he squeaked ‘a whopper please’, I knew that I’d got him on the ropes. He was literally in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
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Filed under Europe, Politics, Showbusiness
Clegg is ‘almost certain’ his voter is still out there
Environment department Defra has said ‘very high’ levels of pollution, not seen in the UK since the evening of 26th March, would spread inexorably over the whole country today, from an epicentre near to the BBC’s Television Centre, shortly after 1900 hours BST.
“Those with blood pressure or heart disease or of a nervous disposition are urged to avoid watching any TV from 7 o’clock this evening.” said a Defra spokesperson. “BBC2 viewers will be most at risk but the damage will certainly spread onto news and current affairs programmes across all networks. Make it 6.30 to be on the safe side.” Continue reading
Ukraine ‘never got letter from Gazprom about price increase’.
Ukraine has left angry messages on several utility comparison websites, complaining that the boxes for entering annual kilowatt hours for gas consumption are far too small.
“It was bad enough having to convert 55 billion cubic metres into kilowatt hours,” said Ukraine’s Energy Minister Yuriy Prodan, “then really annoying to find the box was too small for all the zeros.”
Uswitch and moneysupermarket.com have both replied to Ukraine, saying they are sorry the size of the boxes did not meet the customer’s expectations. “On the other hand,” said a spokesman for uSwitch, “we did point out that where it says ‘domestic usage’, the box is for a single household, not an entire sovereign nation recognised by international law.”
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Filed under Business, Economy, Europe, International News
They contain dangerous toxins and absolutely NO fresh air.
Harold inventor Simon Delaney’s new household sprays have brought a ‘breath of fresh air into our homes’. That’s the verdict on Simon’s new range of pork-based air fresheners given by workers at Dunstable Cotton Laundry.
“I work all day in an atmosphere of freshly-laundered cotton,” said Marge Pellet, “so the last thing I need when I get home is to find my husband has sprayed the entire bungalow with Tesco’s Cotton Fresh air spray. Men, eh?”
But Delaney’s new Frying Rindless Back Rashers flavour air freshener has brought Marge a new sense of joy when she returns from work and may even have saved her marriage. “I used to linger outside, picking up twigs and straightening the bins, but now I catch that distinctive whiff of a bacon butty coming down the path and I can’t wait to get indoors and sink my teeth into something meaty,” she said.
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Filed under Aggressively Tested, Around Harold, Europe, Farming, Lifestyle
There was a further blow to PM David Cameron’s pledges on immigration yesterday when it was revealed that the Romanian version of pensioners’ favourite, ‘Escape to the Country’, consistently promotes the England as the best country for economic refugees seeking a fresh start.
The show, which has become a cult classic at the GCHQ reconnaissance centre, follows a similar format to the British version but instead of looking at homes, prospective emigrant couples are shown around three countries, two meeting their exact specifications and then a mystery country which is a little different and always turns out to be England.
In the programme we watched, Natalia and Ovidiu Demestrescu from Bucharest told a Romanian Aled Jones that they were looking for a European country with character, period features and good social services to accommodate the six children they were planning. They had a budget of zero to play with.
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What, NONE? Not ONE?
One week on from the relaxation of Eastern Europe travel restrictions, the anticipated flood of Romanians and Bulgarians is so noticeably absent that Britain has gone from feeling relieved to being distinctly offended. Far from struggling to keep people out, it seems entirely possible that the foreigners have had a good look at the UK and decided: “bugger that”.
With arrivals halls empty in airports across the country, the Daily Mail has already run an outraged front page story headlined “WHAT’S WRONG WITH US YOU BASTARDS” and senior politicians are nervously enquiring whether their breath smells, or something. Continue reading
Plan will also make The North more prosperous.
Nearly 100 Tory MPs have written to David Cameron asking for the UK to be repositioned in relation to Europe. Provisional thinking is for the UK as a whole to be moved 100 – 150 miles North-West into the Atlantic.
“The exact distance is subject to trial and error of course ” said Senior Tory Bernard Jenkin, who drafted the letter,”much the same as our financial plans for when we leave the EU. So, let’s say … far enough that we can’t smell the garlic, close enough they can hear xenophobic hectoring with a loud-hailer. Perhaps about 100 miles as a starting point. As a bonus we can use what’s left of the Tunnel to drain all our excess rainwater over to France. It’s probably their fault that it’s been so wet recently anyway.” Continue reading
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Filed under Economy, Europe, International News, News, Politics
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