Before the financial crisis rain and puddles were fun.
The BBC have defended their new show Famous, Rich and Sat Naked in a Puddle against allegations that it is nothing more than poverty porn. Producer Richard McKerrow has denied that teaming celebrities with “naked losers” and filming them sitting together sans clothes in a puddle for seven days is in any way exploitative or demeaning. Continue reading
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Staining story widely leaked on internet
The pressure to appear even thinner is behind the “sew-on” dress craze among leading actresses, and while the figure hugging dresses are perfect for the short photo-shoot, they proved to be less than functional in an Oscar night stretching over many hours.
Leading blogger Perez Hilton said everything appeared normal when the stars arrived and chatted with the fans as they walked down the famous carpet, but then the floodgates opened.
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Huey Lewis begged surgeon ‘I want a new drug’.
80s pop legend Huey Lewis is suing his orthopaedic surgeon Dr. Nigel Trent, after being fitted with a cube-shaped hip replacement ‘for a joke’.
Lewis (63) nearly died during the operation, which left him in crippling agony and paralysed down his right side.
“The surgeon was chatting with one of the nurses, and she mentioned my smash hit ‘hip to be square’. I saw a smile cross his face, but I thought nothing more of it”, explained Lewis. “When I woke up after the op, all the staff were giggling as they showed me a replica of the square hip joint they’d fitted.”
Lewis was appalled. “I tried to move, but the pain from my right hip was excrutiating. I could feel the point of the metal cube grinding against my pelvis.” Lewis had barely moved when the edge of the block began to saw through the sciatic nerve: “I blacked out. I don’t know how long I was out for, but I woke up laying in a pool of liquid on the floor.”
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Chris claims he thought 'BBC' stood for 'Bumpers, Boot and Cupholders'
Former Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles has said he is disappointed to discover he is not a second-hand car salesman as declared on his 2008 self-assessment tax return. The news came to Moyles during a tribunal into a claim he used “working wheels” to avoid paying up to £1m in tax.
“I genuinely thought I had what it takes,” Moyles said in a statement. “I had over £600,000 appearing in my bank account that year and hadn’t even kicked a tyre, let alone set foot on a forecourt. Imagine how well I could have done if I had put more into it.
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Prince William’s quip about calling Dame Helen Mirren ‘granny’ when presenting her with a BAFTA Fellowship was so well received that William and Dame Helen will repeat the joke in a 30 venue UK tour.
A chuffed Prince William confided that he was very nervous before his intentional comedy debut but all the practise paid off when he got the jokes words in the right order and he remembered to smile at the end.
“I got the idea from watching Helen star as the Queen in “The Queen”. I thought, hey, my gran is actually the Queen and Helen plays the part of the Queen so she in effect is playing the part of my gran. So yeah, from there I thought I’d just flip them round and pretend that Helen was my gran when she is really just my aunt or something” said William.
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End of days…
New York emergency services have warned that the city faces the ‘greatest human disaster in living memory’ after singer Morrissey announced plans to play a gig supported by aged crooner Cliff Richard.
“We’ve faced financial catastrophe and extreme climate,” warned New York City Police Commissioner William Bratton. “But I don’t think this city has ever faced a looming depression of the magnitude of a Cliff/Morrissey event.”
Panicking locals are asking why this once-in-a-lifetime disaster had to happen in their city, but experts are unable to agree on a cause, beyond terrible bad luck, and Northern whimsy.
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Former Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan has been questioned in front of a live audience of detectives by police investigating phone hacking in the latest ITV programme, Piers Morgan’s (slightly dodgy) Life Story.
The episode, which sees the tables turned on the chat show host and twitter warrior, was hosted by the officers in charge of Operation Weeting with Morgan answering questions about his past. It is understood Morgan was in tears as he recalled an upsetting phone call, between an A-list celebrity and his lover.
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Filed under breaking news, Entertainment, Law and Order, News
Such a simple idea and yet so difficult to do well. Just like communism or a sitcom on ITV
Step two: pick up hammer.
Step three: apply hammer to iPad.
Congratulations you have just beaten Flappy Bird. Now go outside and get some fresh air.
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“My movies are no laughing matter”
The 78-year-old filmmaker said Dylan Farrow’s open letter published last week by The New York Times included “creative flourishes that seem to have magically appeared during our 21-year estrangement.”
“Of course, I did not make funny movies,” wrote Allen. “I tried to, and hope one day she will grasp how she has been cheated out of having a funny father by a mother more interested in her own humour than her daughter’s well-being.”
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After yesterday’s announcement by Twitter it had made a loss of $645M, the micro-blogging site’s share price and ‘trial by twitter’ credibility took another hit today when Coronation Street actor Bill Roache was found not guilty of historical sexual assault charges.
“It turns out that sometimes our policy of users finding someone guilty without any facts isn’t as full proof as we thought,” Twitter’s CEO Dick Costolo told us.
“Normally, with the likes of Sally Bercow on our Jury of millions, we can call someone guilty before they have even been arrested, replacing the traditional ‘innocent until proven guilty’ judicial system with a ‘throw enough shit and it might stick’ technique.
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We can’t get enough of them!
A shock late rush of Oscar nominations has been announced, consisting entirely of a large selection of those fascinating “My Facebook movie” movies.
These videos are automatically generated by Facebook from a fairly random choice out of all the photos and words you’ve ever posted on the site.
As you’d expect from Facebook, the quality of the resulting movies is so outstanding that the Oscar judges have been obliged to cancel the nominations for all the ‘traditional’ movies this year, replacing them with the artistically superior Facebook ones.
Upcoming Oscar host Ellen DeGeneres spoke today of her joy that ‘American Hustle’, ‘Gravity’ and ‘Captain Phillips’ are being replaced by Melanie Delaney’s uncompromising ‘My Facebook Movie’, Kevin Ronsson’s enchanting ‘My Facebook Movie’, and experimental art-house/Dogme epic ‘My Facebook Movie’ from Simon Kettle (aged 14). Continue reading
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A man who’s had so much surgery and botox he’s turning into his own haunted waxwork dummy.
Theresa May announced yesterday that Britain is to take up to five hundred Syrian refugees but insisted that the government will retain the right to choose who it lets in. The Home Secretary acknowledged that whittling down the estimated 2.5 million refugees to just the five hundred deemed worthy of exposure to Chicken Cottage, Richard Littlejohn and The One Show will be tough and confirmed that the actual selection process will be undertaken by Simon Cowell and broadcast every Saturday and Sunday in ITV for the next six months. Continue reading
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We think they should do a mash-up of their two greatest songs and wow the crowd with Octopus’s Chorus.
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Smirking ‘Hayley’ showed ‘no remorse’
A woman on a downtrodden street in the north pretended to have cancer in order to claim a television award.
Julie Hesmondhalgh, also known by her alias ‘Hayley’, told neighbours and family that she was terminally ill. But after collecting millions of viewing figures and tweets of support, it later emerged that the woman was making it up.
“I really felt for Hayley, or should I say ‘Julie’, it was heart-breaking watching her go down hill so fast and then topping herself off”, said hoax victim Elsie Duggan.
“I’m in a retirement home so that sort of thing happens a lot. But her being in the public eye just seemed to make it all the more real.”
Television authorities have been tracking the fraudster using cameras and a massive award ceremony.
“Despite having cancer and being dead she walked unaided to the stage. She was pretty sprightly for the recently deceased”, revealed Duggan. “And to cap it all she showed no remorse whatsoever. In fact, she looked really pleased with herself.”
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Landing gear down. Now where’s that runway?
The Teach First initiative, currently being documented in BBC3′ ‘Tough Young Teachers’, is now offering franchises in other disciplines including Flying Big Airplanes and Open-heart Surgery (beginners). The underpinning principle of Teach First is that top graduates can be fast-tracked into front-line teaching on the back of six weeks training. Michael Gove is a keen supporter of the scheme, reasoning that as his own career was built on a short ‘Teach Yourself Journalism’ correspondence course, learning how to teach children must be a doddle.
“A big advantage of this nice cheap set-up” says Gove “is that Trainees learn just enough to pick up some flashy headline-grabbing tricks – but not quite enough to realise how little they actually know. It’s a very fine line for our Trainers to walk and of course they’ve had lengthy training for their role”. Continue reading
Sad but inevitable. The Nick Clegg character had long ceased to be useful.
Viewers of the soap opera Coalition Street are advised to have the tissues handy for tonight’s episode which promises to be a serious tearjerker as Nick Clegg will be seen choosing assisted suicide over annihilation at the next general election. Continue reading
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“Hurrah, a reprieve!” ………………………… “oh!”
Despite an intense campaign from viewers, ITV executives have confirmed that Coronation Street’s Hayley Cropper, currently suffering from terminal cancer and the centre of an assisted suicide storyline will not be given an eleventh hour reprieve.
The news will come as a bitter blow to devoted fans who had hoped that the popular character might receive a miracle cure, similar to that of Downton Abbey’s Matthew Crawley, who staggeringly not only regained the use of his legs after a WWI shell blast, but also had a genital transplant enabling him to father an heir to the Downton millions. Continue reading
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Sadly for Harry outstanding courage and loyalty are no help when your enemy is the DWP.
Leaked copies of the eighth Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Atos Tribunal, have confirmed speculation that this new book will see the former boy wizard all grown-up and struggling with life in David Cameron’s Britain. Continue reading
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Owen, Sassoon, Brooke, …. Baldrick?
Officials behind the launch of a major initiative detailing lives of ordinary soldiers during the First World War were embarrassed by the discovery that they had mistakenly included the work of Blackadder character, Baldrick, in the achieve release.
The work, entitled ‘The German Guns’ and attributed to Private S.O. Baldrick, was actually written by the sitcom’s writers Richard Curtis and Ben Elton some 70 years after the end of the conflict. Elton was reported to be “delighted at the news” and friends said he was already checking to see if royalty payments may be due.
Filed under Entertainment, News, Politics
At least the residents of Downing Street, whom many viewers have dubbed scum, are kept locked away from the rest of us.
Channel 4 is facing a viewer backlash over its documentary on benefits simply titled ‘Downing Street’. During the show residents of the eponymous street are seen allowing the UK to become the world’s number one haven for dodgy accounting and tax evasion which costs the economy billions a year and saying that in this time of austerity we’re all in this together while they themselves claim tens of thousands of pounds of taxpayers money in the form of MPs expenses despite being multi-millionaires. Continue reading
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