Category Archives: Entertainment

by | March 28, 2015 · 7:00 am

Dermot O’Leary to host Bland Gear

oleary

An inanimate object, in front of a racing car.

Evergrey favourite Dermot O’Leary has been chosen by the BBC to host a new show about the mundanity of transport.

Fun-tolerating Dermot, 61, welcomed his new challenge, and has pledged to own a car in the near future.

“This is an exciting time”, said O’Leary, with 13.53pm in mind.

“A lot of the 350 million worldwide viewers of Top Gear were put off by its shameless entertainment, and that’s something I’m here to nip in the bud.”

Dermot is looking forward to presenting his update of ‘a star in a reasonably underpowered car’, where the aim is to use the least fuel in an unfilmed lap of the track.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Dermot O’Leary to host Bland Gear

Filed under Entertainment, Transport

Tagged as , , , ,

by | March 25, 2015 · 4:28 pm

‘Not being allowed to punch someone at work, it’s PC gone mad’. The Internet reacts to Clarkson’s sacking

image The Internet has been reacting angrily following the BBC’s “ridiculous decision” not to renew Jeremy Clarkson’s contract after he beat up a producer.

The BBC made the decision that verbally abusing someone followed by a physical assault that sent them to A&E crossed the line, a decision that was “PC gone mad” according to the Internet.

“If you can’t punch a colleague when you are hungry, then what can you do?” one Daily Mail commenter said but with many more spelling mistakes.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on ‘Not being allowed to punch someone at work, it’s PC gone mad’. The Internet reacts to Clarkson’s sacking

Filed under Entertainment, Lifestyle, News

Tagged as , , ,

by | March 24, 2015 · 11:49 pm

Sky announce Hammond v May pay-per-view fight: both aim to be sacked

fight

Circle Finger, 3 rounds, contact wins contract.

With heavyweight Clarkson no longer a contender, James ‘Ironing’ May and Richard ‘Anklebiter’ Hammond are hoping to follow in his footsteps and get sacked by the BBC.

In a pay-per-view fight exclusive to Sky, the two featherwits will attempt to punch their way out of their contracts.

“May doesn’t scare me”, said Hammond. “Except when he stands up, looks disapprovingly at me, moves suddenly, wears a bright shirt or mentions me on Twitter.”

With a double knockout seen by many as the only way of getting out of a world Top Gear tour, both gladiators have been practising moving their arms.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Sky announce Hammond v May pay-per-view fight: both aim to be sacked

Filed under Entertainment, Motoring

Tagged as , , ,

by | March 11, 2015 · 3:07 am

‘Cheers, mate’: Cameron thanks old pal Clarkson for distracting press

Alex-James-looks-on-as-Je-007

Caption competition: what’s Alex James thinking? Tell us on our Facebook page

David Cameron is today full of praise for his close friend, Jeremy Clarkson, for distracting the media in the run up to the election.

“I’m indebted to the man we’ll all soon be calling Baron Clarkson of Chipping Norton for proving yet again that people don’t really give a toss about politics but if you criticise any element of their favourite distraction then the internet’s flooded with comments and petitions before you can say change.org.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on ‘Cheers, mate’: Cameron thanks old pal Clarkson for distracting press

Filed under Election 2015, Entertainment, Politics

Tagged as , , , ,

by | March 6, 2015 · 10:08 am

Harrison Ford narrowly avoids round of golf

Harrison FordA relieved Harrison Ford is thanking his lucky stars that a plane crash on a golf course left him too injured to play.

“Oh God, that was a close one … I could have been seriously bored out there. You take life for granted and then suddenly you are seconds away from playing golf. You wouldn’t believe the relief I felt when my femur snapped” said Ford.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Harrison Ford narrowly avoids round of golf

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , ,

by | February 13, 2015 · 9:26 pm

50 Shades of wrong

fifty-shades-grey

Do you mind if I make a sandwich?

With a much-anticipated film about sexy times about to be released in cinemas, the Evening Harold presents a list of phrases to avoid in the bedroom

‘This would be better with swans’

‘Ooh, you make me want to perform a vile sex act’

‘do it, or I will muck you’

‘phew! This is tiring’

‘Now then, now then, guys and gals’

‘Your sister wasn’t this good’

‘I can’t tie knots, so is it OK if I just paralyse you?’
Continue reading →

Comments Off on 50 Shades of wrong

Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment

Tagged as , , ,

by | February 2, 2015 · 7:00 am

Campaign for Celebrity Big Brother to last forever continues to grow

celebrity-big-brother-2015-housematesHundreds of thousands of people a day are signing the online petition for Celebrity Big Brother to last without evictions until the wolf eats the sun.

Campaign organiser and Harold resident Jane Hough says that she is pleased but not surprised by its success. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Campaign for Celebrity Big Brother to last forever continues to grow

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , , , ,

by | January 25, 2015 · 12:00 pm

Drink-driver’s ‘Coronation Street actor’ shame

camilla and babs

Well-known drinker and friend

Well-known drink-driver Barbara Knox acknowledged last week that she’s been living a double life, having appeared repeatedly in a tawdry ITV soap known to its addicted fans simply as Corrie.

Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms, says that social attitudes have changed over the years “The times are long gone when a drink-driver could end up in a couple of episodes of Crossroads by mistake, Continue reading →

Comments Off on Drink-driver’s ‘Coronation Street actor’ shame

Filed under Entertainment, Law and Order, Showbusiness, TV

Tagged as , , , ,

by | January 20, 2015 · 3:07 am

Eric Pickles writes to Katie Hopkins’ family calling on them to help combat extremism

rsz_uktv-katie-hopkins-this-morning-still-2

Should this wide-eyed fanatic be tolerated?

Eric Pickles has made a personal written plea to individual members of the Hopkins family asking them to stand with the rest of the UK in defeating hatred while one member of their clan continues to run amok.

“We know that acts of headline grabbing and offence are not representative of the Hopkins family,” he wrote. “But we need to show what is.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Eric Pickles writes to Katie Hopkins’ family calling on them to help combat extremism

Filed under Entertainment, Politics, Religion

Tagged as , , , ,

by | January 18, 2015 · 9:00 am

Wolf Hall: viewers confused as Henry VIII’s advisers less posh than Cameron’s cabinet

wolsey

Cardinal Wolsey, Ipswich butcher’s son: today he’d be on jobseeker’s thanks to Tesco moving in and causing the family shop to go tits up

As the hype builds for the BBC adaptation of Wolf Hall viewers are becoming increasingly confused by a certain aspect of the trailers and plot leaks.

“I thought is was based on real people,” said villager Julie Kettle. “But Henry VIII has advisers like Thomas Cromwell and Cardinal Wolsey who were from working class backgrounds. You just have to look at the current Cabinet to know that that would never happen, it must all be fake.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Wolf Hall: viewers confused as Henry VIII’s advisers less posh than Cameron’s cabinet

Filed under Entertainment, TV

Tagged as , , ,

by | January 16, 2015 · 3:00 pm

BBC announces Spy Competition to find leaders for Blue Peter Youth movement.

Flag made from sticky backed plastic and a pair of Val's old knickers.

Flag made from sticky backed plastic and a pair of Val’s old knickers.

BBC bosses have announced a children’s spy competition in conjunction with MI5 to find kids with the right ‘attitude and qualifications’ to lead the new Blue Peter Youth movement.

The Blue Peter Youth is being set up as a social initiative to encourage children to take part in local activities such as collecting milk bottle tops for charity, dog walking, racism, and bracing outdoor activities like cycling, hill walking and book burning. Continue reading →

Comments Off on BBC announces Spy Competition to find leaders for Blue Peter Youth movement.

Filed under Badgers, Culture, Entertainment, Media, Politics, TV, Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | January 15, 2015 · 2:09 pm

Al-Qaeda ‘disappointed’ not to be nominated for best foreign language film Oscar for ‘Death To The West’

image Al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri has declared a jihad on Hollywood after his terrorist group’s films were once again snubbed for the best foreign language film for a tenth straight year.

“We thought we had a great chance with ‘Death To The West'” he told Al Jazeera. “A two-hour emotional monologue detailing the complex issues around our fractious relationship with America.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Al-Qaeda ‘disappointed’ not to be nominated for best foreign language film Oscar for ‘Death To The West’

Filed under Entertainment, News, Politics, Uncategorized

Tagged as , , ,

by | December 18, 2014 · 12:41 pm

USA cancelled following hacking scare

kimjungunUniform

“Boo!”

It’s been happening since 1776 and has made outstanding contributions to global culture like Phyllis Diller, the chocolate chip pancake covered pork sausage on a stick (no, really) and the maine coon cat but now in the face of a non-specific threat from some unidentified hackers the USA has decided to cancel itself. Continue reading →

Comments Off on USA cancelled following hacking scare

Filed under Entertainment, International News

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | December 17, 2014 · 7:00 am

Harold abattoir’s ‘Winter Wonderland’ closes after 3 minutes

abattoir

‘An unforgettable experience’ warned a psychologist.

A ‘magical’ winter wonderland staged in Harold’s only abattoir has been closed by police after less than five minutes.

Families watched a bored elf draw on a woodbine as he fired a bolt into a pig’s brain. “That wasn’t very christmassy”, complained one parent. “Elves aren’t supposed to smoke.”

“The Santa looked jolly enough in his red clothes”, admitted PC Flegg, “if a little crazed. But the red came off on my skirt when I sat on his knee, along with a bit of kidney. And they hadn’t even wrapped the bag of chitterlings he gave me.”

Visitors had been promised there would be reindeer in attendance, but there was just three cows with table legs in their ears. And those managed to jam up the rotating knives.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Harold abattoir’s ‘Winter Wonderland’ closes after 3 minutes

Filed under Around Harold, Christmas, Entertainment

Tagged as , ,

by | December 14, 2014 · 8:00 am

Disappointment as Harold’s annual Pooh Stones competition ends in draw for 51st time

pooh sticks

Pooh stones date back over 50 years, particularly the ones at the bottom.

Expectations were uncharacteristically high yesterday as Harold’s 51st annual Pooh Stones competition got underway.

The event, which marks the anniversary of the “Great Deluge of ’62” which washed away the allotments and opened a wide gash in the Queen’s Mound, has been contested year after year by teams from the Squirrel Licker’s Arms and the Harold branch of the Women’s Institute.

After an inspirational opening ceremony in which the Reverend Tansy Forster blessed 15 year old Debbie Fowles, this year’s Pooh Queen, the teams gathered for prayers and a warming draught of Old Freckled Badger at the bridge on the River Gluggle.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Disappointment as Harold’s annual Pooh Stones competition ends in draw for 51st time

Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment

Tagged as , ,

by | December 12, 2014 · 7:00 am

Question Time breaks new pornography rules with ‘clash of two pricks’

HunterSThompson

Hunter S Thompson briefly returned from the dead and shot at Brand, for suggesting entertainers shouldn’t stand for office.

The popular orgy show ‘Question Time’ has broken new rules on pornography, after filming two tumescent penises having ‘a go at each other’.

New rules forbid punishment and pain being enacted, rules specifically designed to prevent Nigel Farage or Russell Brand appearing on our screens.

“I don’t really got no policies as it ‘appens, but what’s important is to be all appealing to the youngun’s an’ that. I’ll keep talkin’ if you don’t take too offense to it, mind yer pardon. But I do so love the timbre of me voice”, said Farage.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Question Time breaks new pornography rules with ‘clash of two pricks’

Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment, Politics

Tagged as , ,

by | December 11, 2014 · 7:00 am

Dozens of ‘Deal or No Deal’ contestants found dead in Edmonds’ garden

deal or no deal

Edmonds claimed the bodies were there ‘by chance’.

Police have uncovered the bodies of ‘more than 50’ ungrateful gameshow contestants in the grounds of a castle belonging to Noel Edmonds.

Following a tip-off, officers began digging in the 120 hectare ‘garden of dreams’, and rapidly unearthed a number of makeshift coffins.

Daubed in red paint, their lids scratched with crude numbers, one theory is that the occupants shared a mutual lack of gratitude towards their one-time host.

“Officers are piecing the evidence together, but this is one of the worst game-show related massacres I’ve attended in nearly 3 months”, declared PC Flegg. “Who knows who we’ll find next? Let’s open that one…wait, I’ve changed my mind, I’ve got a good feeling about number 14.”
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Dozens of ‘Deal or No Deal’ contestants found dead in Edmonds’ garden

Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Entertainment

Tagged as , , ,

by | December 10, 2014 · 9:24 am

South African judge grants Gerrie Nel second series

IMG_0697.JPG After his critically acclaimed first series which saw record-breaking global viewing figures, a South African judge has granted Gerrie Nel a second series.

Mr Nel, who plays his namesake Prosecutor ‘Bulldog’ Nel, shot to fame in ‘Gerrie Nel and the Pistorius trial’ in which he stunned audiences cross-examining Oscar Pistorius for four days trying to determine the exact location of a fan.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on South African judge grants Gerrie Nel second series

Filed under Entertainment, International News, News

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | December 5, 2014 · 7:00 am

REVEALED: Every window in Russell Brand’s advent calendar contains Russell Brand

brand cal

Window 24 portrays the first coming, with a prostitute given by his father.

Russell Brand has revealed that every single window of his advent calendar has been blessed with his own presence.

“And that’s one Christmas presence no-one would turn their nose up at”, beamed Brand. “‘Cos I’m chirpy, aint I? And that’s right Christmassy.”

Brand, the brains behind the Russell Brand-brand advent calendar, told us how he came up with the idea.

“Well, it was either me, or someone traditionally Christmas, like the lord baby Jesus”, he said.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on REVEALED: Every window in Russell Brand’s advent calendar contains Russell Brand

Filed under Christmas, Entertainment, Politics

Tagged as , ,

by | December 2, 2014 · 9:00 am

Morrissey admits he likes bacon

Morrissey sneaking to the shops to buy bacon

Morrissey sneaking to the shops to buy bacon

Controversial pop icon and vegetarian activist Morrissey admits he likes bacon, and says he not only has regular fry-ups for breakfast but also the occasional bacon buttie for lunch.

Morrissey made the startling admission backstage after his recent sell-out (in the number of seats sold sense) concert at O2 Arena.

“People are always asking vegetarians how we can live without bacon, well the truth is we can’t” confessed Morrissey. “It’s so f**king tasty. If Johnny Marr was made entirely of bacon, I’d never have left the Smiths.”
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Morrissey admits he likes bacon

Filed under Entertainment, Felching Bumsquats

Tagged as , , , ,