A ‘magical’ winter wonderland staged in Harold’s only abattoir has been closed by police after less than five minutes.
Families watched a bored elf draw on a woodbine as he fired a bolt into a pig’s brain. “That wasn’t very christmassy”, complained one parent. “Elves aren’t supposed to smoke.”
“The Santa looked jolly enough in his red clothes”, admitted PC Flegg, “if a little crazed. But the red came off on my skirt when I sat on his knee, along with a bit of kidney. And they hadn’t even wrapped the bag of chitterlings he gave me.”
Visitors had been promised there would be reindeer in attendance, but there was just three cows with table legs in their ears. And those managed to jam up the rotating knives.
“We’d been promised a go on the big mincing machine, but they said they couldn’t because of ‘elf and safety'”, said Dave Evans. “I expected a properly immersive slaughter experience, not a shit excuse for a pun.”
Evans said that his son had enjoyed choking a small sheep to death with his thighs, but sadly it was all over too quickly. “They didn’t have anything like enough baby baah lambs to go round”, he complained.
“My kids were really upset by the experience. It would have ruined their whole day if I hadn’t managed to clip a badger on the way home. That did seem to cheer them up a bit.”
Ron Ronsson is refusing to give out refunds but has offered a stunned chicken and a claw hammer to ticket holders as a goodwill gesture.
“You can nail it to a plank and mourn it if you like”, boomed Ronsson. “It’s the Christian thing to do.”