Let it go, Mr Lama. Let it go.
The Dalai Lama is said to be ‘overjoyed’ at the prospect of annointing James Bay with his own holy water.
Mr Lama, 63, is famed for his inner calm and tranquility, but ‘completely lost his shit’ when he first heard ‘Hold Back the River’.
“I will not hold this river back”, declared the Llama. “I will project it forward with righteous velocity. With luck, I’ll knock his stupid hat off.”
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Their sacrifice paved the way for a white woman to be promoted to the top of a black organisation.
Indefensible racists the Black and White Minstrels have been praised for their brave promotion of trans-racial awareness.
Once a subject that was as much non-existent as it was controversial, trans-racial issues were given a voice by white men who blacked up and sang songs that made light of slavery.
The group of pioneers were the first to reject the burden placed on them by a thousand years of privileged chance genetics, and model themselves instead on Uncle Ben’s rice packets.
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Is this image proof of ‘The Curse of Nirvana’?
In April 1994, Kurt Cobain was killed in a freak accident while cleaning his machine gun during a leisurely breakfast.
Some had hoped this would begin and end the notorious ‘Curse of Nirvana’, but chillingly, it was not to be.
Now, just 24 short years (and 2 months or so) later to the day, Jeff Grohl has broken his leg.
In a freak accident, probably linked to The Curse, James Grohl fell gravity-wise from the podium we all put him upon, and broke his bone.
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Evans also enjoys playing golf. F**king golf.
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‘Like being abroad, but more real.’
Las Vegas is planning to make the Luxor casino resort ‘even more Egypty’, by dressing some staff as terrorists.
Renowned for its eye for historic detail, the Pyramid-inspired hotel will soon ring to the sound of small ‘entertainment explosions’.
“We know that Americans are fascinated by Egypt, just enough to drive to the desert and gawp at a fibre-glass sphinx”, said manager Chuck Kowalski.
“But a few have complained that it isn’t authentic, and that there aren’t enough terrorists for them to have a pop at.”
Kowalski blames the internet for leaking news of the ‘real Egypt’ into the conscious of America, but sees desperate suicide bombers as an opportunity, rather than a threat.
“All our staff are paid equity and we provide them with medical insurance, as well as some pretty good bullet-proof vests.”
“Why not empty a clip into the chest of a young man dressed as a terrorist?”, asked Kowalski, “and then brag about it afterwards, over a talibanana daiquiri in the Muslim Brotherhood bar?”
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Hobbly the Blackbird has already spawned his own merchandise.
An intern on popular wildlife show ‘Springwatch’ has revealed how she was forced to maim a songbird to meet BBC diversity targets.
Hayley Swank was ordered to ‘blunt its beak, or pull a wing off or something’ by an Inclusiveness Director on the programme.
“I asked if I could just give one of its legs a chinese burn”, said Swank. “But they told me I was being racist.”
Instead, Swank pulled a couple of feathers out and fed it a heavy pie, so that on camera at least, it appeared just disabled enough to not offend the audience.
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Kate Moss was yesterday escorted off an easyJet flight from Bodrum to Luton by police on the grounds that she had “no business travelling like a poor.”
Bedfordshire Police confirmed in a statement that Moss, whose wealth is estimated at around fifty-five million pounds, had been taken off the flight and provisionally cautioned under the 2005 It Just Winds People Up When You Slum It Act which is aimed at keeping the insanely wealthy out of spaces normally occupied by the mostly skint. Continue reading
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Blatter auditions for ‘Call My Bluff’.
Sky and BT are locked in a fierce battle for the the rights to televise Sepp Blatter’s trial.
Sky are promising to debut their slow-motion car crash technology, and a resolution that could see their new star locked into a 20 year contract, excluding parole.
“This is an exciting event that everyone has been looking forward to for years”, said Rupert Murdoch.
“Trust me, we have a lot of experience in how the court system works. My son James is going to head up this bid.”
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A prayer’s as good as Unity gun on a day like this
After a brief flourish of creativity video game makers have decided to yield to the inevitable and produce nothing but first person survival horror games from now on.
“Makes sense to me” said Gabe Newell, MD of Valve. “Steam’ll be much easier to run when we can lump everything into one category. What am I saying it’s easy to run now, we just let it all happen around us. We’d greenlight a screenshot of an empty plate if we thought someone would pay $9.99 for it.” Continue reading
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Eurovision: a big glittery rainbow for the soul
Dementors in human form across the globe are getting ready to suck the joy out of Europe’s daftest annual contest.
“Eurovision makes people feel good,” hateful swine Jean Polkinghorne told us. “So I’m making a special effort to be horribly scathing and let everyone who enjoys watching it know that this means they have the emotional IQ of hair gel.” Continue reading
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R R Martin is sitting on a cushion.
Actor Peter Dinklage has spoken out about internet rumours that he’s actually a 4ft 5in dwarf.
Dinklage, 6ft 3, plays Tyrion Lannister in popular fantasy series ‘Game of Thrones’, and thinks that’s how the misunderstanding started.
“I suppose I should be flattered really”, said the Emmy-winning star. “Some of my fans just can’t believe it when they meet me.” That so many of his followers are convinced he’s tiny in real-life too is a testament to his incredible acting ability.
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Grylls demonstrates his new bouquet garni rucksack.
TV adventurer and annoying twat Bear Grylls was at the centre of an animal cruelty row last night as it emerged he was specially shipped to an island to be slaughtered by contestants on his show for “entertainment”.
Viewers were distressed by the scene in which the sleeping Bear was captured and killed on camera.
Animal rights campaigners claim the Bear was not afraid of people, and would not have run away when threatened.
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The new team decide who to pick on first.
The BBC has announced exciting plans to gently manoeuvre the hit show ‘Top Gear’ away from the race track, and into the kitchen.
“Some fans have said that the show was never really about cars, it was in fact about the chemistry between three oafs”, revealed BBC Imagineer Ross Kelp.
“So why not get in some new presenters, teach them to be shits, and get them cooking at each other in Peru?”
With 73% of the BBC’s current output focussing on food, Kelp sees this as proof that now is the time to ‘apron up’.
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In a shocking case of neglect, a young girl who had not heard of the movie ‘Frozen’ was taken into care by Dunstable Social Services.
Concern was first aroused when Ella Evans, 8, entered the St Marys school talent quest and sang a song that wasn’t ‘Let it go’. Then, during a cold snap, Ella expressed indifference after an invitation to build a snowman. The final straw came during school dress-up day when Ella wore a blue dress but insisted she was Marie Curie.
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Leon paused the bit where Leon was on, to try and catch a glimpse of his cock.
Popular tv show tv show Gogglebox is under investigation by police after deliberately showing Gogglebox families Gogglebox families watching Gogglebox.
“Oh no, I can’t stand this guy”, said Leon, just as Leon said “oh no, I can’t stand this guy”. That was the moment his wife noticed he was flickering on and off.
Four of the stars are now so shallow, their opinions hardly matter at all. “They’re in an observation ward”, explained Channel 4 spokesman Harry Tubes. “The doctor says they’re not serious, but still very watchable.”
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Bear Grylls, shortly after ‘freshening up’.
The family of Bear Grylls was celebrating yesterday, after the star managed to survive for over 8 hours without sticking a hose up his bottom.
Despite being outside for the best part of a day, the adventurer survived a picnic, a game of French Cricket and a close call with a wasp, without once resorting to his trusty anal pipe.
“I’m so proud of him”, said wife Ocelot Grylls. “We had a lovely time in the Cotswolds and we all ate well, without the normal strong feelings of revulsion and shame.”
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Fans have accessed a copy of Game of Thrones Season 5, days before it screens on Sky Atlantic.
The opening episode has been viewed by hundreds of fans, none of who paid a penny for the privilege.
“This is a serious matter”, said Harold’s PC Flegg. “There’s some evidence that this is the work of the criminal underground: the leak seems to have eminated from the UK’s oldest prison.”
Flegg explained that a torrent of fans had rushed to see the much-anticipated episode, by sneaking along a red carpet.
“Nothing would stop them, although some did pause for photos and autographs”, said Harold’s cybercrime specialist. “Then they shamelessly stole the entire programme using their eyes to stare at a screen outside the Tower of London.”
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London: tomorrow. Thanks liberal, SJW Guardianistas, thanks a lot.
A surprising source for the fire currently raging under central London has been revealed – God.
“In the BBC I am not well pleased,” the Supreme Being told us. “For, lo, I did most heartily love chilling out on Sunday nights and watching Jezza, Hamster and Captain Slow. Not a Holy Trinity but a wholly amusing one.” Continue reading
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An anonymous threat to not buy a television licence is being treated as ‘serious’ by police.
“We received a tip-off by email that a member of the public was planning to switch on an appliance, without having the appropriate paperwork”, said Harold’s PC Flegg.
“As soon as I read it, I put my Taser on charge and had a couple of practice shots at a potato on my sofa”, said Flegg. “I knew it was perfectly safe, because I don’t need permission to use it. Unlike my television, which costs me £145.50 a year before I can legally operate it.”
A psychological profiler thinks they’re looking for a man in their 40s, who likes cars or has a history of using one. He may also be uninterested in cooking competitively, and has possibly never knitted a bee.
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