Category Archives: Entertainment

Oh what a lovely fake war: conscription introduced for WWI centenary dramas

war-horse-costumes

No Americans needed until April 2017.

Conscription has been introduced in the UK for the first time in over fifty years in order to provide casts for the forthcoming onslaught of dramas and documentaries about the First World War which will begin in this the centenary year of the start of the conflict and be broadcast until November 11th 2018.

“Conscription is absolutely vital,” said Culture Secretary Maria Miller. “Without it this country is simply unable to provide enough young, posh actors with floppy hair to play doomed officers. Nor will we have enough short northern blokes to play chippy sergeants or older character actors with booming voices capable of growing excellent moustaches to be out-of-touch generals.” Continue reading

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Just like Sherlock: Nick Clegg reveals how he faked his own death (political)

Sherlock

We probably should’ve used a picture of Nick Clegg for this but who would you rather look at?

Since May 2010 it’s been a national obsession and finally last night we were put out of our misery when just like BBC1 One’s Sherlock, Nick Clegg revealed how he faked his own death. While in Clegg’s case the death was political not actual it too required meticulous planning and gave rise to fevered online speculation.

Clegg was seen campaigning against tuition fees, scaring the bejesus out of everyone with his talk of a ‘Tory VAT bombshell’ and promising an increase in living standards plus taxes that would benefit the many not the few. He participated televised leaders debates with Gordon Brown and David Cameron coming across as possibly the least weird and Cleggmania happened. Continue reading

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Chinese Christmas cracker makers outsource jokes to Miranda Hart

Such fun!

Such fun!

After over a century of using exactly the same jokes in Christmas crackers, Chinese manufacturers have hired comedienne Miranda Hart to provide new jokes. In keeping with her TV series, all the jokes are visual and feature pictures of Miranda falling over, making funny faces, and being involved in amusing misunderstandings.

A spokesmen for the Chinese companies said that traditional Christmas cracker jokes were suitable for ages 7 to 77, but only 7 year olds and 77 year olds actually found them hilarious. This was entirely deliberate as anything too funny at a Christmas dinner could be a choking hazard. By replacing the traditional jokes with Miranda jokes, the Chinese again hope to avoid messy lawsuits.
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Filed under Around Harold, Christmas, Culture, Entertainment, Showbusiness

Lunar robot ‘planning Christmas firework display’

moonsparkle

China may one day put a pyrotechnician on the moon.

A row has broken out between the US and China over a Christmas Day Special Event which was meant to be a surprise for everyone on Earth at Christmas.

The diplomatic row comes after NASA spotted China’s lunar robot placing Roman Candles around the edges of craters on the moon’s surface.  China has complained that NASA just wanted to spoil the surprise because they didn’t think of it.

“The US hasn’t bothered with the moon for many moons,” said Yun-Tsi Tao, head of the Chinese Space Agency.  “Now, all of a sudden, just because we put a robot up there, they’re all goggle-eyed and spoiling the surprise of the Supreme Leader’s gift to the rest of humankind at Christmas, a firework display on the waning gibbous.”

There were fears that the row could escalate after NASA observed the robot flatten the US flag placed on the moon by Neil Armstrong in 1969.  But the situation was defused when the robot carefully put the flag upright again, apparently of its own volition.  “We thought it had a moral conscience for a minute,” said NASA, “but, no.  It nailed a Catherine Wheel on the flagpole.”

NASA has said it had no idea the fireworks were meant to be a surprise, claiming that most people could see what was going on up there with the naked eye.  “I mean, I was looking through a pair of home-made binoculars that my 7-year-old made from a plastic kit,” said NASA spokesman Flt Lt Denver Colorado, “and I had no trouble reading the name of the factory printed on the fireworks.  Boy, they’re big rockets!”

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Independence custody battle starts as Andy Murray awarded Sports Personality Of The Year

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In what some are calling “the custody battle of the century”, Andy Murray has been awarded the Sports Personality Of The Year in an attempt to secure his full British status after Scottish independence.

“We have given him the award to recognise his amazing achievements over the last year” the British said. “And make sure we have him Monday to Friday, but we are willing to let Scotland have him at weekends and Boxing Day.”

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Pope fights off right-wing nut job and war criminal to win Person of the Year

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Pope Francis has been named Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year”, narrowly beating of competition from others on the short list, including Syrian president and alleged war criminal Bashir al-Assad.

The head of the Roman Catholic church has been praised for the way he has pulled “the papacy out of the palace and into the streets” before retreating back in to palace and having some if the finest possessions and food known to man, managing director Nancy Gibbs explained.
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Feature: 6 reasons 90s Harold was so much better than today.

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“Kids these days, huh” and “it wasn’t like that in my day”, these are just some of the phrases wheeled out at the first sign someone is getting old and showing symptoms of envy at the younger generation. But seriously, Harold isn’t like it was in our day, and kids these days have no respect. To prove the point, here is a list of 6 reasons ’90s Harold was much better than it is today.

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UK falls down world education league tables; great result for Simon Cowell

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Shanghai may have clever kids, but do they have Jedward?

The UK has fallen outside of the top 20 in a world league table of educational standards, a result seen as “positive” by X-Factor creator, Simon Cowell.

“Having an education is one thing, but aiming for a decent career takes away people’s ambition to be famous for five minutes,” Cowell said.
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The Jeremy Kyle Show board game – in shops for Christmas

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Batteries, security and toothless idiots not included

Following on from previous successful television show themed board games, the makers of The Jeremy Kyle Show have revealed a new board game based on the controversial chat show, to be in the shops in time for Christmas.

The game contains all of the elements of the programme, including a DNA kit, a lie detector, a blow up audience and an after-game care team.

“People love spending Boxing Day with the family playing ‘who wants to be a millionaire,” Kyle told reporters at the launch in a Toys ‘R’ Us store.

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Get a vajazzle like a DualShock controller: women advised ahead of PS4 launch

SonyDualShock_4

The Sony PlayStation 4 DualShock controller. Sexy.

A Harold hair salon and beauty spa, Sally’z Cut’z, has come up with some interesting advice for women who are afraid that they will be ignored once their partners get their hands on the new PlayStation 4 games console. “Have an X, a Y, a circle and a triangle tastefully added to your Dame Anna Neagle, girls,” said owner Sally Lloyd, “and he’ll turn his back on Call of Duty: Ghosts and be pressing your new pink button faster than you can say ultra-responsive thumb stick.” Continue reading

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Andy Kaufman ‘found clocking minicabs in Harold’

kaufman

Smile on passport photo was first clue something ‘wasn’t right’.

Cult entertainer Andy Kaufman has been discovered in Harold, following a raid on a minicab firm.

Once a star of hit sitcom ‘Taxi’ and inventor of inter-gender wrestling, Kaufman’s whereabouts has been the subject of much speculation. But when immigration officers surrounded Caspiar Cabs following a tip-off, they were suprised to find the actor still in character beneath a 2003 Toyota Avensis.

“We received an anonymous call through the immigration hotline, claiming a ‘foreign man’ had been clocking cars”, explained PC Flegg. “But for some reason, this buffoon had been clocking them forwards: some of the minicabs were showing over 4 million miles.”

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Residents complain at the influx of ‘Bitstrippers’ living in the village

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Residents in the village of Harold have raised their concerns at a public meeting about the arrival of a ‘Bitstrip’ family to the village. The family have moved in next door to Carly Jeffery and her two young children.

Ms Jeffery told us: “I’m no cartoonist, but, these people are just an annoying danger to everyone around them. They are continually setting fire to things and committing other acts of violence, taking photos of themselves in the act and uploading those pictures to Facebook with some stupid comment at the bottom.”

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After losing his court case; sexist, misogynistic, bigoted McCririck still unsure why he was fired

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John McCririck, one time racing pundit and lifelong bigot, has left court today after losing his age discrimination case still unsure why he was fired.

Renowned for his 16th century view of women, McCririck was fired from his position on Chanel 4 Racing, where he was often partnered by Tanya Stevenson, or as he used to call her, ‘the female’.

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Vast Antarctic iceberg and huge London fatberg to fight to death in awesome Atlantic berg-off

icebergFatberg

Coming soon to an ocean near you!

Oceanologists were said to be “totally stoked” today at the news that the massive new Antarctic iceberg will float into the mid-Atlantic just as the famous London “fatberg”, recently disgorged from the capital’s sewers, also enters the same region of ocean.

The iceberg has appeared from a 270 square mile frozen shelf which recently split off from the Antarctic Pine Island Glacier, while the fatberg is a fifty tonne dollop of accumulated human unpleasantness which nearly crippled the London sewage system.

It is expected that the two giant bergs will swirl ever-closer, each warily seeking maritime supremacy, until they finally clash in a spectacular orgy of bergy power, filling the sea for miles around with raining death of ice splinters and soft fatty globules. Continue reading

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Wheelie bin hopes for droid role at Star Wars auditions

starwarsqueue

‘Plenty of room inside for a midget’.

A wheelie bin from Harold has gone in search of his dreams, aiming for a key role in the next Star Wars film.

Fed up with being filled with fish heads, tin cans and used nappies, the star-struck receptacle thinks this could be his break.

“I’ve got plenty of life left in my tyres and there’s enough room inside me for a midget”, the general waste unit told us. “This could be my chance to go from ‘has been’ to ‘was bin’.”

Making the long trip to the Bristol auditions was a logistical nightmare, as the bin is normally only allowed on the pavement every other Tuesday.
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Wheelie bin hopes for droid role at Star Wars auditions

starwarsqueue

‘Plenty of room inside for a midget’.

A wheelie bin from Harold has gone in search of his dreams, aiming for a key role in the next Star Wars film.

Fed up with being filled with fish heads, tin cans and used nappies, the star-struck receptacle thinks this could be his break.

“I’ve got plenty of life left in my tyres and there’s enough room inside me for a midget”, the general waste unit told us. “This could be my chance to go from ‘has been’ to ‘was bin’.”

Making the long trip to the Bristol auditions was a logistical nightmare, as the bin is normally only allowed on the pavement every other Tuesday.

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Emigration crisis pending as seven out of ten Brits apply to live in Ankh-Morpork

ankh

Ankh-Morpork: a sprawling city-state ruled by a tyrant where life is often nasty, brutish and short. Beats the crap out of London.

Britain has been plunged into an emigration crisis as newly published figures reveal that no fewer than seven out of ten of us have applied to leave the country to live and work in Ankh-Morpork.

Ankh-Morpork is the largest city on the Discworld which some say is a fictional realm created by Sir Terry Pratchett but to a great many people is as real as Tamriel, The Shire and Gotham City i.e. completely. Continue reading

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‘Does my brain look big in this wig?’ Appeal Court Judges land live TV show

judges

Audience will be the judge of that.

Appeal Court Judges have landed a deal for a six-part series, to be broadcast live this autumn.  The deal follows a successful pilot episode called ‘Cameron v The Queen’ which went out live last Thursday afternoon.

Harold’s own well-loved resident actor Digby Burns, who describes himself as ‘currently laid up with a bad back,’ had the privilege of being one of those watching the pilot and has kindly written a review for the Evening Harold for a few quid to tide him over.  As a regular extra on Midsomer Murders, Mr Burns knows a thing or two about acting, especially falling flat on his face in the mud with a knife in his back.  “I’ve played that part many times for the opening credits sequence,” he said, “and the director is an absolute perfectionist.   I did 26 takes last time before she was satisfied.”
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Village Hall badly damaged during Fire Safety Awareness meeting

Fire brigade never there when you need them.

Fire brigade never there when you need them.

The annual meeting of the Fire Safety Committee in Harold Village Hall has been adjourned early after a fire broke out in the basement.  Panic set in when it became obvious that no-one at the meeting had any formal training in handling a fire extinguisher.  ‘Bucket of water,’ suggested one.  ‘No!’ screamed another.  ‘Water makes it worse if it’s the electrics.  Or is that when it’s petrol?’

The building was soon evacuated and all the attendees could do was stand by and watch as smoke began to billow out of gratings in the pavement.  News came through that the fire engine dispatched from Dunstable was held up in traffic in the Chiggley Moor Lane area, but then had to turn back due to the start of strike action.

PC Anita Flegg attended the scene and began her own investigation.  Two men in a delivery van had been spotted round the back of the building earlier in the day, but it was quickly confirmed that they were there on legitimate business.
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Thatcher Halloween flight-path looks set to give Harold sky-watchers a treat

witchy thatch

Heseltine criticised the witch for buying an American broom.

With confirmation that Baroness Thatcher’s ‘Halloween Fly-By’ route will pass directly over Harold on Tuesday, local astronomers have every chance of an excellent view of the comet-like phenomenon.

The former PM’s icy skeleton said she’s ‘really looking forward to dusting off the old broomstick and heading up North to scare the living daylights out of Arthur Scargill.’

She is due to depart Gatwick Airport at 1900 hours, regardless of the weather, flying directly over Harold before arriving in the Barnsley area around midnight. A defiant Scargill tweeted ‘Ooh, see me quaking in me pit boots, pet.’
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