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Category Archives: Culture
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Filed under Advertisments, Around Harold, Culture
Man blames ‘faulty’ service station flowers for Valentine’s Day sex failure
A 57 year old Harold man has gone to social media to highlight how his Valentine’s Day was ruined because of faulty flowers and chocolates purchased from the local Shell Station.
Local councillor Ron Ronsson says the flowers and chocolates seemed ok when he purchased them on the way home from the pub at 11pm on Valentine’s Day. But they deteriorated so badly on the 15 minute walk home that by the time he handed them to his wife, she threw them straight back in his face.
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Dating, Lifestyle, Sex
‘Call Clegg’ to go late night, possibly on Babestation
Nick Clegg’s radio phone-in programme ‘Call Clegg’ on LBC is to go ‘late night’ before the general election the Lib Dem leader announced. Babestation are favourite to host the show.
“I’ve not watched Babestation but it can’t be that different,” Clegg explained. “From my understanding I just need to speak to callers on a phone whilst on a webcam.
“I’ve been warned that occasionally I may be asked to make things go tits up but if I’m honest, that a speciality of mine.”
Meet the new Heiry Cornflake: Radio 1’s Nick Grimshaw replaced by Prince Charles
Prince Charles passed the Duchy on the left-hand side.
Radio 1 experienced a surprise boost to its audience figures yesterday during a live audition by Prince Charles and Camilla.
Listeners in the key 15 to 29 year-old demographic turned on in their droves to listen to someone marginally less celebrity-obsessed than Grimshaw.
Initially the broadcast was delayed for a few minutes, but eventually a technician found a set of headphones that could be forced over the Prince’s ears.
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Foreign-born cleaner resigns after discovering employer is a Tory
In hindsight, the daily cleaning of graffiti on the house should have been a clue
In the light of immigration minister Mark Harper resigning his position after it emerged he employed a cleaner who did not have permission to work in the UK, a separate incident has seen a foreign-born cleaner leaving their post after it emerged their employer was a Tory.
The cleaner has apologised for not carrying out reasonable checks on the person whose house they clean and said that although they had been a British citizen for the last 13 years, being from another country means they should have checked their employer was not, in fact, a Tory.
Horse is ‘so last year’ UK tells China
A horse doing an impression of the Princess Royal.
His Excellency Liu Xiaoming, the Chinese Ambassador to the UK, has been summoned to appear before an Environment Agency Committee to answer a charge of ‘insensitivity’ over introducing yet another Year of the Horse so soon after last year’s horsemeat scandal.
“We only just put the whole sorry business of horse behind us,” said Owen Patterson, Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs. “Now the Chinese seem intent on stirring up all the bad memories again.”
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Filed under Culture, Dating, environment, Farming, Food, Health, International News, Royals
Justin Bieber album charged with assaulting driver
Public are advised to avoid the album at all costs.
An album by Justin Bieber is facing prosecution after inflicting itself on an innocent driver.
The disparate collection of mp3 tracks, known collectively as ‘Believe’, caused the driver to deliberately drive into a wall.
“I was heading down the A34 minding my own business, doing the ‘steering wheel drums’ to a track by Bruce Springsteen”, said the victim, Derek Handley.
“Suddenly there was a terrible pain in my ears and my vision was clouded by a red mist. I’d been set upon by a youth, probably Bieber or One Direction”, said Handley.
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Filed under Crime, Culture, Showbusiness
Bread companies introduce ‘Jesus-free’ toast option
The Father, Son, and Holy Toast
Jesus-free proponents say that traditional toast contains significant amounts of images of Jesus and the Virgin Mary and this can dull the capacity for individual thought and leave people reliant on fairy stories and miracles. It also leaves a stodgy, bloated feeling in the stomach and causes wind.
“I’ve felt much more energetic and alive since moving to Jesus-free toast” observed Harold café owner Pippa Delaney. “I wake up earlier, I have the energy for a decent walk, and I’ve stopped giving ten percent of my money to the Church.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Religion
BBC find their new ‘Trigger’
Following the passing of Roger Lloyd-Pack, the BBC have announced they have already found a replacement for Trigger in the Sports Relief Only Fools and Horses episode due later this year.
“We were looking for some who could portray a character that is very popular despite being a bit dim” the BBC said in a statement.
“It was at that point David Beckham walked in a started peeing in a plant pot in the corner of the room before washing his hands on Nicholas Lindhurst.” Continue reading
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Filed under Culture, International News, Lifestyle, News, Sport
Village’s ‘3D printer’ finishes jumper
With 3D printing on the increase and a Manchester company claiming to have made a pair of 3D printed knickers, Harold’s very own ‘3D printing prototype’ has finally finished ‘printing’ a jumper.
“The project has been going for a while now, but we finally have a finished product” a spokesman for the Over-The-Hill retirement home, which houses the printer, told us.
“The technology is still a bit primitive, but Elsie Duggan, 86, can now knit 3D scarfs, over-sized 3D jumpers and gloves for people with six fingers.”
Lord McAlpine sues again after BBC accuse him of being dead
The BBC have found themselves in hot water again with Lord McAlpine after incorrectly announcing he was dead. The announcement is thought by some to be a knee jerk reaction to criticism they failed to cover the death of Elvis properly in the 1970s.
“We would like to apologise to Lord McAlpine for accusing him of being dead,” the director General said. “He can rest assured he will be getting a large payment usually reserved for sacked employees. Again.”
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Filed under breaking news, Culture, News
Putin welcomes Eastern Asians; “Just leave the dogs alone.”
Following on from his comments that gay people can “feel free in your relationship but leave the children alone”, man of the world and Russian president Vladimir Putin has been rolling out the rainbow carpet to all people from all over the Globe.
“I would like to extend the strong yet moisturised manly hand of friendship to everyone,” Putin told media.
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‘Half convicted pickpockets are Romainian’. Modern day Artful Dodger suggests better training
Recent police figures reported in the Daily Mail have suggested “over half of all convicted tube pickpockets are Romanian” leading to calls for better training.
“There are actually fewer Romanian pickpockets than there are British ones, but they are shit at it and are getting caught more often,” one modern day Artful Dodger told us.
Filed under Crime, Culture, International News, News
Channel 5 praised for most secretive Big Brother series ever
Producers at Channel 5 have been congratulated and thanked by the British public for the most secretive series of Big Brother yet.
The current run, which started just over a week ago, has some of today’s biggest names such as Jim Davidson and Lionel Blair yet has still managed to slip under the radar of even the most discerning youthful telly addicts.
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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, News, Showbusiness
DJ creates ‘perfect New Year’s Eve song’ by mixing music from Cliff Richard’s ‘Millennium Prayer’ with ‘Auld Lang Syne’ poem lyrics
After me, everyone! ‘We’re all going on a Summer holiday…’
Just in time for tonight’s celebrations, an amateur DJ from the village of Harold has unveiled what people are already calling the ‘perfect New Year’s Eve song’, by mixing up the melody from Cliff Richard’s popular classic The Millennium Prayer with the words from obscure poem Auld Lang Syne by little-known Scottish poet Robert Burns.
‘It was one of those things that just click,’ explained 46-year-old R. M. Renfield. ‘I was listening to the Cliff song – what a classic – and I just thought, great though these lyrics are, let’s think the unthinkable and see what it sounds like without them. Now, this is going to sound hard to believe, but I had a recording of someone reciting this old Scottish poem, Auld Lang Syne, it’s called, I think that’s Gaelic, and I had this sudden inspiration – why not mix them up? And my God, it sounded good, they could have been made for each other!’ Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Christmas, Crime, Culture
The future’s bright, the future’s orange
From here it all looks blue and white
After stalling over the central issue of tie colour, talks aimed at solving some of Northern Ireland’s most contentious issues have re-started The five main parties will discuss parades, flags, dealing with the past and the colour of ties.
Talks chairman, former US diplomat Dr Richard Haass, is back in Belfast “for one final effort to help these clowns reach agreement.” Continue reading
‘Mock the Week’ scoring fixed say Abu Hamza, Prescott, Bieber
Fingers pointed at Mock The Week
As embittered former Home Secretary David Blunkett calls for satirical television programmes such as Mock The Week to face tougher scrutiny from libel lawyers, other sourpuss victims of the BBC show’s lazy humour are urging government media watchdogs to go further and investigate the ‘suspicious’ scoring system used by the BBC on the show.
An unlikely ‘Coalition of the Mocked’, including pop-star Justin Bieber, former deputy PM John Prescott and Muslim cleric Abu Hamza have called the show’s integrity into question and say that point scoring is arbitrary at best, and at worst could be fixed, which would ‘seriously undermine viewer trust in the Corporation’.
Media insiders say that the BBC, already reeling from the controversy over executive pay-offs and the Jimmy Savile scandals, will do anything to avoid another parliamentary enquiry and are doing their best to block this, but they could be powerless in the face of a damning dossier prepared by the group.
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Filed under Art, Culture, Politics, Showbusiness
Husband asks wife whether gift of Christmas sex comes with exchange card
Never ask whether Christmas sex comes with an exchange card
Speaking from his bed in Dunstable Hospital, Mr Delaney said his wife had given him Christmas sex the last 5 years in a row, and his wife seemed initially unfazed when he mentioned the exchange card.
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Filed under Around Harold, Christmas, Culture
Chinese Christmas cracker makers outsource jokes to Miranda Hart
Such fun!
A spokesmen for the Chinese companies said that traditional Christmas cracker jokes were suitable for ages 7 to 77, but only 7 year olds and 77 year olds actually found them hilarious. This was entirely deliberate as anything too funny at a Christmas dinner could be a choking hazard. By replacing the traditional jokes with Miranda jokes, the Chinese again hope to avoid messy lawsuits.
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Filed under Around Harold, Christmas, Culture, Entertainment, Showbusiness
Xmas Party misconduct claims plunge – office gossips face spending January working
Morale of many UK workers is at an all-time low after the office Xmas Party season generated next to no complaints of sexual indiscretions, punch-ups, and inappropriate Secret Santa gifts. With the traditional January pastime of gossiping over the progress of colleague’s disciplinary proceedings under threat, there is widespread fear amongst employees that they will have to spend the month actually doing work.
The sudden drop in complaints has caught HR specialists by surprise, with a variety of theories advanced to explain the worrying phenomenon.
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Filed under Around Harold, Christmas, Culture
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