Category Archives: Business

Ocado van spotted on council estate

shit terraces

Driver left traumatised after delivering to neighbour.

There were gasps amongst Harold’s more successful residents yesterday, after an Ocado van was photographed in an area prone to social housing.

The van, later identified as ‘Alan in his Raspberry’, is thought to have contained kumquats in a built-up area.

“I expect more from a company so closely associated with Waitrose”, said cllr Ron Ronsson. “If they’re delivering in these sorts of places, who knows what their vans could pass on?”

Ocado’s head of social engineering, Hermione Cavolo-Nero, apologised for the grave error and promised to have the driver shot.
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Nivea’s new cream “audibly reduces” wrinkles

Molly (32) has used Nivea since she was a girl

Nivea launched more advertising mush this week, for women with good bathroom mirrors but low self-esteem.

“Sadly, we can’t lawfully tell outright lies in adverts nowadays” said Harold born Anastasia Blunt, Director of Word-mangling at Nivea “which is a shame, as that was the best bit of the job.”

“We have either to invent new words or slam real words together so they don’t actually mean anything. If it can’t be understood, it can’t be lying; we get our lawyers to run a check, just to be sure.”she explained, adding “The clue is in the words ‘make- up'”. Continue reading

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Filed under Advertisments, Around Harold, Business

‘We’re not influenced by advertisers’ insists Daily PotNoodleGraph

potnoodlegraph

Name change seemed a little rushed

After criticism that its coverage of the HSBC tax scandal was toned down because of commercial interests, the Daily Telegraph has fiercely denied that its recent name change to the PotNoodleGraph has anything to do with the lavish two-page advertisement taken out in its pages by noodle makers Unilever.

The paper’s chief political commentator Peter Oborne resigned on Tuesday, complaining that the influence of advertisers had ruined the newspaper’s journalistic integrity.

In a scathing editorial leader this morning, the paper “makes no apology” for its decision to ignore the HSBC tax story, and goes on to insist: “Love buckets of joy, plastic pots of paradise, call them what you will, our noodly snacks deliver knockout flavour right on the kisser.” Continue reading

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Villagers campaign to close local post office

post officeA post office in Harold is under imminent threat of closure – at least if the neighbours have their say.

Long a magnet to fat, sweet-craving children and people with inconclusively sized envelopes, the post office has been a thorn in the side of the local community for years.

“Some days, you can’t move for the queue of two or three pensioners bickering over who’s knees hurt the most”, complained farmer Dave Evans. “I have to threaten them with a muck thrower just to get to the e-cig shop.”

A detached dwelling with three bedrooms, the post office is located centrally in the village: a village with precious little housing for young families.

“That’s why it should become an estate agents”, said Evans. “They could then sell the post box to a bunch of twats from London. Once they’ve moved in, I can sell them organic sausages for 30 quid each.”
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“Amazing!” says Probation Inspector when he learned his wife had won probation contracts

amazed

Hoping for another job working with offenders. Maybe with Sodexo

“I was reading Private Eye recently and discovered that my wife was a Director of Sodexo”, said Paul McDowell the chief inspector of probation.

“I was particularly shocked when I read that Sodexo had partnered with NACRO, a charity I used to run. And if you think that was a co-incidence, that same partnership then won a whole sheaf of probation contracts! What were the chances?”

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Filed under Business, charity, Crime, Law and Order

Has Halifax helped a man who didn’t give extra?

halifaxbadge

Stephanie knows if you’ve been naughty or nice. Or is that Santa?

The Advertising Standards Authority is investigating whether the Halifax bank might have deliberately lent money to a lazy oaf described by colleagues as ‘one of life’s takers’.

Other banks might give such assistance with impunity. However, Halifax’s claim that ‘people who give extra should get extra back from their bank’, means the advertising watchdog is looking at how the company actually weeds out the sluggards from the grafters.

“We’ve not found anything yet.” said an ASA spokesperson “Indeed, after only a few moment’s moderately hard thinking, we realised it was probably impossible. There’s nothing on the loan application form about it.”

“If we can’t come up with something soon, we may have to ask George Osborne how he sorts out hard-working taxpayers from the rest of us.”

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Local landlord to use quantitative easing to pay tax bill

image Local businessman Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of The Squirrel Lickers Arms, Harold, has said he will pay his upcoming tax bill through a round of quantitative easing (QE).

In a statement on the pub’s Facebook page, Eddie explained that although German beers were doing very well, poor sales of the Greek Kofta and the Portuguese ‘Ronaldo spit roast’ meant the pubs growth was static.

“In light of those figures, We have decided to make our own money and use that to pay HMRC,” the statement said.

“This may seem like we are just making life easier by making our own money instead of dealing with the underlying issues, but this move is actually massive benefit for everyone involved. Unfortunately we have no idea why that is, but if we say it enough times you may just start believing us.”

Among the critics of the move was Lionel Garage, leader of the Harold Independence Party.

“It’s fine if the taxman is willing to accept it, but the thought of just printing money to sort your cash flow out seems too good to be true,” Garage said.

“Like the time he offered free pork scratchings with every pint at the same time his psoriasis flared up.”

Despite the criticism that this may be immoral, Eddie said that it will actually help put money back into the community, specifically within the art world.

“My printer’s run out of ink so I’m looking for someone who can draw a really good queen.”

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Richest 1% stop Oxfam complaining by buying them

Bill Gates admits he got his haircut from a charity shop

Bill Gates admits he got his haircut from a charity shop

The world’s richest 1% have completed a deal which sees them take full ownership of Oxfam in a bid to stop them complaining about inequality.

The move comes after the charity released a study that claims very soon the richest 1% would have 50% of the world’s wealth.

A lawyer speaking on behalf of Oxfam’s new owners said: “The previous owners of this charity have long been complaining about inequality and how capitalism was making things worse, so we bought them.
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Pub gets Prince Charles’ winter fuel allowance

charlesA pub has been sent a winter fuel allowance, which was intended for the heir to the throne.

The Prince of Wales hostelry received a cheque made out to ‘HRH Prince Charles’, to cover his not inconsiderate energy bills.

“I guess he’s got a lot of homes to keep warm, and architects don’t just burn themselves”, said landlord Michael Scapegoat. “And then there’s all those badgers to gas.”
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First Waitrose service station will sell sparkling diesel with twist of jasmine

waitrose fuel

They’ll even fill your tyres with hot air.

With milk now cheaper than water in some supermarkets, and petrol also cheaper than water in all of them, Waitrose are hoping to inspire shoppers to treat themselves with fancier fuel.

Offering a range of sparkling diesels and EC-compliant fruit-scented petrols, the first Waitrose service station is already drawing a queue of discerning motorists.

“People take petrol for granted, now that you can buy a litre of ‘cooking unleaded’ for under a quid”, said Rupert Thomas, Marketing Director.

“But a hint of jasmine or jojoba oil from your tailpipe lets those behind you know that you favour a more select way of burning your money.”
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Filed under Business, Culture, Motoring

Advertising Feature

For years, men have been complaining about getting that nasty, white, sticky stuff all over their fingers during those all too frequent ‘do it yourself’ sessions.

Manhandling that flexible tube all on their own has left generations frustrated, sore and dissatisfied with the finish.

Easter wouldn't be Easter without them. Right Jesus?

Easter wouldn’t be Easter without them. Right Jesus?

Well worry no more because Harold based company Inspirational Enterprises are launching a brand new product that will make your solo projects much more satisfying, rewarding and will always produce a happy ending.

Introducing ‘No More No More Nails’.

No More No More Nails is an innovative new system for fixing things to other things. Instead of using messy adhesives that inevitably get on your clothes, the carpet, your wife’s hair and even on really tough days, the cat, in fact everywhere except where you need it to go, No More No More Nails enables you to precisely position things so they go where they’re meant to go and then stay there for as long as they’re meant to stay there.

Made from the highest quality round, stiff metal wire, No More No More Nails is easy to handle and will leave no sticky residue.

Using the patented ‘one flat end and one pointy end’ technology, No More No More Nails can be used with minimal training by even the most inept of home workmen. The No More No More Nails system is so easy to master, heavens!, even a woman could do it.

No More No More Nails is available now with a bag of 2000 pieces costing just £9.99.

Stop!

Stop!

Not only that but for a limited time, there is an introductory offer which includes a further 4000 pieces at no extra cost. plus, buy before the end of January and you will also get this handy No More No More Nails applicator absolutely FREE.

No more sticky fingers. No More No More Nails. That’s nailed it!

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Filed under Advertisments, Badgers, Business, Easter, Lifestyle, science, Technology, Uncategorized

Aldi ‘posh’ salmonella chocs ‘should rid store of bourgeois’

aldi aisle

“Clean up in aisle two. Another one’s got in.”

Aldi looks set to finally rid its car parks of Range Rovers, thanks to a range of french-sounding poisonous chocolates.

Choceur Malade, a high-end sweet filled with chunks and a thin green jus, is specifically targeted at ABC1s who spend too long reading wine labels.

“Our store is a ‘volks markt’, we sell burgers in tins, für Gott’s sake”, said store manager Helmut Braun. “We leave posh stuff piled up in the corners as ein trap for red-trousered fops.”
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City Link collapse ‘good in parts’ says Harold Curate

bmwonbeach

For some unknown reason Andy’s last BMW rusted badly

St Paul’s deputy priest-in-charge is delighted with the new motorcycle he recently picked up from City Link’s local depot.

“My old bike was very corroded but I couldn’t claim under BMW warranty just because I’d got it free when it washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.”

Curate Andy heard people could collect parcels from the bankrupt courier company, hitched a lift to Dunstable and was first in the queue on Monday morning. “I didn’t want to go in on the sabbath Continue reading

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Vending machine firm has ‘best week’ in Britain’s A&Es

empty vend

Fortunately, the machine can still take money from people suffering from concussion.

A company that sells chocolate to people with head injuries is celebrating their ‘best week ever’.

With demand for slightly out-of-date Bounties reaching a peak not seen since last year’s outbreak of the norovirus, Dunstable firm SickSnacks Ltd are looking to projectily increase their coverage.

“The little spiral things in our product dispersal doodads have been empty for days”, bragged Managing Director Derek Fister. “And the recent change to our policy on giving out change is really paying dividends.”

For some people looking to not starve to death while waiting for medical treatment, the firm has literally been a lifeline.
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Joanna Lumley reveals plan for jungle motorway, jelly airport and unicorn lanes

potato bridge

There, that’s London fixed.

Joanna Lumley’s new ‘garden bridge’ is just the first step in making London less awful, she has revealed.

Now her influence over politicians has reached its full potential, Lumley has vowed to complete her vision of a Utopia based on children’s books and the dreams she has after eating cheese.

Using a mixture of feminine guile, important connections and a powerful mind-control gas, Lumley disclosed that the entire UK cabinet was effectively under her control.
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Filed under Business, Culture, environment

Long service medal marks postman’s disappointing, wasted life

postie

Come hell or high water, Evans will continue to darken people’s doors.

A postman in Harold has served the community for forty long years, and revealed how much he hated every last one.

Nigel Evans has worked for the post office since he left school at 16, and has been overlooked for promotion annually for the past four decades.

Batchelor Evans, now 56, is a familiar face in the village. Most residents occasionally notice him shuffling round the streets, or spend hours trying to console him as he sits sobbing on their doorsteps.
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Banks reassure public that despite £2bn fine, poor bankers will still get bonuses

IMG_0506.JPG
Concerns over bankers’ bonuses were quickly quashed this morning as all of the five banks reassured customers the people responsible for huge fines for interest rate rigging would still be generously rewarded.

The collective fine of £2bn saw the public concerned that the often bashed bankers may have to forgo multi-million pound bonuses, but as Ross McEwan, Chief Executive of publicly owned RBS explained they have been punished enough.

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‘Regulating loan sharks will push people towards loan sharks’ say loan sharks

wonga2

No one wants to be last in a line-up

High Street sharks have warned that ‘unnecessary’ new Government regulations will force desperate families into the hands of back street sharks.

“With us, borrowers know where they are” said Peter Jackal, Wonga’s Director of Corporate Irresponsibility “Trousers round the ankles, head down the toilet and being right-royally buggered by a set of loveable cartoon characters.”

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Tesco ask Prof. Brian Cox to investigate massive black hole in their finances

black hole copy
Tesco have announced they are going to call in Prof. Brian Cox to investigate the appearance of a financial black hole in their finances.

He will be asked to explain in a ‘complicated physics’ way how £250m has seemingly disappeared from its profits forecast.

Speaking of the upcoming investigation, Tesco chief executive said: “It is important we explain how this black hole has occurred, and no one can make people pretend they understand black holes like Brian Cox.
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Whistleblowers ‘still not being heard’ at UK’s biggest whistle factory

Make yourself heard

Whistleblowers still face real problems in getting their message heard in the UK’s largest whistle factories, campaigners say.

In most industries, great improvements have been made in allowing employees to expose misconduct or illegal activity, but for some reason whistle manufacturers lag well behind, according to unions.

“It’s as if our members are simply not being heard,” complained USDAW union spokesman Geoff Tooting. “It must be something to do with the nature of this industry that whistle-blowers’ attempts to raise awareness are going unnoticed.” Continue reading

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