Princess Buttercup says quiz results “inconceivable”
“I was sure I’d be a Ford Cortina” said Princess Buttercup, previously known as Brian Green.
Buttercup, whose favourite colour is mauve (“slightly effeminate, passive-aggressive”), is also the US state of Montana (“you like wide-open spaces and animals, and drink corn liquor through a straw”) and is / was John Lennon (“you are peace-loving, like Japanese women, and are incautious around strangers”).
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture
Overcooked turkey and rock-hard Christmas cake was still making its way through the nation’s alimentary canals when the first of many unwanted Christmas arguments was put for sale on eBay with a £1 reserve.
Many consider it not in the Christmas spirit to sell off Christmas arguments that family members have sometimes spent decades lovingly crafting, but eBay UK manager Mike Smith said it was simply a matter of supply and demand.
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Filed under Around Harold, Christmas
Morrissey sneaking to the shops to buy bacon
Morrissey made the startling admission backstage after his recent sell-out (in the number of seats sold sense) concert at O2 Arena.
“People are always asking vegetarians how we can live without bacon, well the truth is we can’t” confessed Morrissey. “It’s so f**king tasty. If Johnny Marr was made entirely of bacon, I’d never have left the Smiths.”
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Filed under Entertainment, Felching Bumsquats
Police were nearly called to the Harpenden Waitrose after a conversation between two customers over who should have the last jar of sacla organic pesto ended with a passive / aggressive jibe.
“The debate seemed civilised at first, with what seemed like routine pleasantries”, said Waitrose assistant manager Julie Fleck.
“But then the slightly older lady took the jar and said ‘it goes with your hair’ and then ‘you need it more than me’ as she placed it in the slightly younger lady’s trolley. The slightly older lady then marched off to aisle 4 and bought 10 blocks of our most expensive cheeses.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture
Americans should unite in protesting the decision not to charge Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson with the shooting of Michael Brown, and the protests should continue ‘forever’, according to Bill Cosby, 77, 6 foot 1, athletic build.
“Whether you are black, or white, whether you are young or old, whether you are in Missouri or California, I urge everybody to honour the memory of Michael Brown by single mindedly protesting this decision for as long as it takes” said Cosby, GSOH.
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Filed under Entertainment, International News
Blanc trying to ‘pick-up’ his hand
“Now that women won’t touch my bargepole with a bargepole, I’ve had to rethink my approach” said Blanc. “That’s when I thought I’d use all my usual pick-up techniques to seduce my hand.”
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Filed under International News, Lifestyle
May contain crap
Never knowingly underexposed celebrity Kim Kardashian has announced that her next project is to attempt to do mankind’s biggest defecation.
Kardashian Publicity Assistant 114 said the most common reactions to Kim’s recent naked photo shoot was ‘wow, what a massive butt’ and ‘jeez, she is full of crap’, and it was Kim’s own idea to combine the two in the ‘world’s biggest dump’ project.
“Kim is so intelligent to think of the idea, but she is dedicated too. To ensure the success of the project she is even going to eat food” said Kardashian Publicity Assistant 114.
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Filed under Entertainment
Lollies don’t work with zombies
“They were very pale, with a fixed smile and vacant stare” said shopkeeper Julie Kettle. “I suspect they were zombies, or from Norwich.”
“I tried to get rid of them with a handful of lollies but they insisted they wanted my soul. In desperation I stabbed the younger one with scissors, but even then they left a pamphlet and said they would be back next week.”
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Filed under Around Harold
Colleagues of Harold Council worker Neville Brand are still reeling after he collected his 50 million pound cheque and vowed ‘the win won’t change me’.
Mr Brand, 65, is the unofficial Harold Council social club secretary, keeper of the stationary cupboard keys, and a keen sharer of tennis updates in the staff tearoom, and he said he didn’t want to let his colleagues down by quitting. “The only way I’ll leave the council is in a box” said Mr Brand on nationwide TV.
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Filed under Around Harold, News
Britain’s most notorious female serial killer, Rose West, is furious after being tricked into retweeting a photo of Margaret Thatcher.
Twitter user Simon Delaney sent West the Thatcher photo saying it was his ‘Nan’ who was a big fan of West’s ruthless work ethic and could the photo please be retweeted in her memory?
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Wives and girlfriends are on high alert as reports emerge of an outbreak of ‘man-Ebola’ in the UK. The man-Ebola virus is so debilitating that men have lain stricken on the couch for weeks on end, unable to do anything more than watch Game of Thrones and football on telly.
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Filed under Around Harold, Health, Medicine
“Where’s my bloody ball?”
“He strode out of the helicopter and asked where the first tee was” said English Heritage’s Stonehenge manager Kate Davies. “I thought he wanted a cuppa so I pointed him in the direction of the visitor centre.”
“Next thing I heard a loud bang and Obama muttering ‘bloody stones’.”
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Filed under International News, News, Politics
Manchester United reacted to its poor start to the season by obtaining a super injunction in the High Court to supress all mention of its results.
Assistant Manager Ryan Giggs justified the super injunction saying that a number of Man U players and coaching staff were very highly paid professionals, and their reputations could be ruined if it emerged that the team had lost, say by four goals, to some 3rd tier team or other.
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Filed under Sport
There’s room for your legs out the window dear
Dunstable Council officer Andrew Chillace was overwhelmed by the reaction to his environmentally aware attempts to get his leg over.
“I’d been single for a few years – it isn’t easy when you are touching 50, have an appreciable paunch, and work in a dead-end job. Most of my female contemporaries were greenies so I tried sharing pictures of dolphins caught in plastic bags on Facebook. That got me a few likes, but for some reason it didn’t translate to any action.”
Mr Chillace explained that he then hit on the idea of buying a bright green electric Smart car.
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Filed under Around Harold, environment, Motoring
“I was hoping for someone taller”
Cruise said he was starting to wonder whether Facebook quizzes were entirely accurate.
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Filed under Entertainment
After a disappointing World Cup, lovers of football violence finally have something to cheer about as it emerged that a fan bit another fan’s ear off during the England – Uruguay match.
“It’s really pleasing we’ve shown the world England can still mix with the best when it comes to mindless thuggery” said Millwall fan Gavin Mitchell. “We invented football violence and this incident shows it is still part of our DNA.”
“I mean take that Suarez bite – it was more of a kiss if you ask me. And that Italian was annoying him by, um, being Italian so biting him really was nothing special – even a tennis fan would do it.”
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Filed under Sport
The English football team’s quest to return home from Brazil is in tatters after the team failed to clear Customs.
Pre-flight expectations were high with most fans expecting England to progress to the prestigious immigration queue stage, and some dared to dream the team would board the flight and make it all the way home.
But the Customs fiasco had the press and fans question whether England can actually compete with the best on the international travel stage.
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Filed under Sport
Dear God please keep those shorts on
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics, Sex
In what is already being hailed one of the greatest ever relationship feats, Harold postman Brian Green correctly interpreted his wife’s silence and provided the appropriate emotional response.
The extraordinary feat was achieved on a day when both spouses had busy days at work and Rachel Green cooked steak and chips for dinner. Mrs Green’s mind must have been elsewhere as the steak was overdone and the chips were a little soggy, a departure from her usually high standards that Mr Green wisely didn’t pass comment on.
Very unusually Mrs Green remained completely silent throughout dinner (she usually comments on the accelerating decline of television) and she gave off no ‘looks’ and uttered no ‘sighs’ – for all intents and purposes there were no ‘cues’ whatsoever.
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Filed under Around Harold, Sex
An excited Charles polishes his Crown
“It’s coming, it’s coming, I’m going to be King soon” spurted Charles as he retired to his room to watch some Coronation porn and polish his Crown. When Charles emerged 15 minutes later he declared he was ‘hereditary and ready’.
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